Kris Aquino for President : The Ultimate

What do you look for in a president? Here's a personal list of attributes a prefect president should have that I've developed over the years. Some of them have been possessed by presidents before. Some, but not all - I took note of that. So as of the current presidency, here's my list:

- Political Lineage
- Good educational background in politics
- Strong personality
- Charismatic Following
- Strong interpersonal skills
- Sense of Humor
- Tits

Political lineage makes having public structures and streets named after a president easier. Since an offspring will most likely have the same surname as his political ancestors, they'll always have a highway or stadium or airport named after them. (Saves paint and confusion of renaming Buendia again.)

Good education is indespensible. You learn in school what things that you can do as a president to really screw things up (read: starts wars and kills normal people). Also you learn there that you have to be actually voted by a majority of voters to win - pretty handy for candidates who keep whining like menstrual bitches on why they didn't win. YOU DIDNT GET ENOUGH VOTES - SUCK IT UP.

A strong personality is necessary. Every great leader in history has this, from Grok the great from caveman times to Fidel Castro to Vladimir Putin (as a Russian, I strongly suspect that personality isn't the only "strong" thing in him *sniff*) It helps in getting things going your way.

Charismatic following helps, since people are generally like stupid sheep. If enough people believe in a person, the rest will follow the flow and not think anymore. Quiet morons are better than rambling morons.

Strong interpersonal skills is necessary since being president is all about relating the the people. The last thing we want for president is one that has stagefright and is antisocial - we all know where that lead America. A good president is like Miss Congeniality beauty pageant contestant. Looks good, has lots of friends and knows how to strut properly.

Sense of humor would be nice so we dont have to put up with el presidente getting "offended" everytime somebody makes a remark about how sucky administration can get. Worse than a whiner is a counter-whiner who has lots of legal backing (like an entire army of lawyers)

You might be wondering about the last factor. Well as you all know, we've had all previous items on presidents before already (though not in the same man or woman) and, admittingly, the streak is not too good. So I thought, maybe it's the tits. Maybe the sole reason that we dont have a strong leader right now is the missing significance of tits.

Think about it.

Given a nation where half of the people cannot appreciate written words and have a vocabulary list that cant fill a bond paper back to back, what will get more appreciation: A State of The Nation address speech with 2000 words, a rewritten constitution or FHM Centerfold? Yeah, I thought so too.

Given these factors, who do you think can become the ultimate president?

That's right bitches. Say hello to the perfect president.

Let's check if she conforms to our standards:

Political Lineage - She's got an airport, a sports complex, and a monetary bill named after her father. When she passes on, it'll only take a few strokes of Boysen paint to replace all the Ninoy's with "Kris"

Good Educational Background in Politics - Kris Aquino has been studying Law since forever. I dont know why she hasn't graduated yet. Maybe she's doing doctorate for every subject she's taken. She's that hardcore. Hardcore? HAAARDCORE!

Strong Personality - If squeezing the balls of a man, and a mayor at that, and going public with the whole mess, admitting to the whole world you have STD, and still getting the highest exclusivity contracts in public television history aren't signs of strong personality, I dont know what is.

Charismatic Following - Just look at the number of hits in this site: Kris Aquino Fan Site. If that many fans of hers can go online, think how many more are waiting outside the internet cafe, selling buko juice or whatever.

Strong Interpersonal Skills - Having a talkshow should be enough for this. That and having to deal with idiots on a daily basis on gameshows.

Sense of Humor - *insert signature Kris Aquino laughter here* 'Nuff Sed.

Tits - Uhhh... tits dont get bigger than 50-foot Bench Body adds outside EDSA. How's that for government propaganda?

Imagine it. When she runs, Kris doesn't have to spend money on posters. She endorses every other existing product in this country from lingerie to cars to ribbed condoms - her presence is almost uncanny. She doesnt have to introduce herself like other politicians because hell, even the people living in Sabah Indonesia know her (and I bet if they could vote for her they would). If Erap who no longer makes movies can win via landslide, think of somebody who has movies, tv shows, commericals and vaginal wash ads. Kris Aquino will win without a doubt.

So she'll win, what then? We wont need SONA anymore. Today With Kris show will be a daily report on how the nation is faring. No nation will ever grow aggressive on us because of four letters: TITS. If Saddam Hussein was female and looked like a Russian Hooker, do you think people will be as aggressive in deposing him/her? Uhuh.

Got rebels? Have them attend a session with Kris on The Buzz and let Kris talk them down to sobbing pussies complete with phone calls from the mother of the jihad leaders. Boy Abunda can help things along as Defense Minister and his probably good skill in blowing things up in case shit happens.

Problems with budget? We can always call the new central banker from Deal or No Deal. Woot. Cabinet selection will be done using GAME K N B so we dont get too many incompetent morons save for the necessary court jetsers like Robert Jaworksi and Tito Soto.

I even have a slogan for it already:

Krisendom. It'll be awesome.

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*blog advertisement paid for by Friends of Unique Candidate Kris Youth (FUCK-Youth)


Oh and yeah, as requested. Here's the vid I mentioned in the YM conference the other day. I'll take it down after a while.



Schnappi, in case you didnt know is a German Crocodile from a children's show. He's basically like Pong Pagong, but not a turtle, not a Filipino and not a mascot. So there. In the vid: Celeste and Nicole (ang kulit!)