If You're Not A Pirate, Stop Saying Y'arr.

(alternate title: If you're not a subject expert of a particular movie STFU)

I finally got to see Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest today. It's the first time I've watched any movie in a normal theater in quite a while. Expectedly enough, I was reminded of the things I hate when watching movies in theaters as soon as the film started rolling.

By things I hate, I mean all assholes who can't keep their coffeeholes shut during the film, making dimwitted remarks and tragically obvious predictions. By the end of the movie, I said to my friend who I was watching with "Is it that hard to understand a movie intended for kids so badly that you have to make stupid comments everytime something that requires mental thinking more advanced than being able to breathe?" She was surprised at my comment. My pointdexter seatmate who had been lecturing movie semantics to people as far as three seats away from her knew what I was trying to say. She promptly kept quiet fearing for her life. Unfortunately her cooperation was two timezones short. Oh how I wanted to kick her teeth in. The very thought is giving me a hardon.

If I want to watch a movie with commentaries, I'd buy the original DVD and do it at the comfort of my couch. The last thing I want is somebody questioning the plot just because she can't get "why the *spoiler item* is missing from the jar".

Enough of that, let's talk about what got her riled up in the first place.

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The following section contains spoilers. I dont want to spoil it for you not beause I care for your enjoyment but because I hate whining assholes posting mindlessly about it after they willingly read content in my blog.
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I think the whole addition of Bootstrap Bill in Dead Man's Chest is an answer to a problem in the original Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse of The Black Pearl movie.

If you remember your movies, Bootstrap Bill resisted the Black Pearl Mutiny after the cursed gold was already distributed, and got promptly sent to the bottom of the ocean as dead. But since he's a a part of the damned crew that played with the gold, he's supposed to be a the bottom of the ocean but still living because of the curse - it's AWKWARD because it plays with the fact of being able to resist crushing pressure of the depths of the sea, and if he was indeed immortal, he could have just walked to land and live. Either that or he's a puddle of shit on the ocean floor when Davey Jones found him, which is equally awkward for a plot device.

Note that this wasn't intended to come out the way it appeared since there was no mention of the Bootstrap Bill scenario in the first film, meaning the only reason Bootstrap's fate carried on the way it did because Bootstrap being Will Turner's father played too important a role to be fixed. It would have cost too much in production modification.

Besides, if it's indeed an intended plot connector for the first movie, Bruckheimer would have made it more obvious. But then again the problem is still there. So what do they do? Pure genius. They turned the whole thought into part of the plot of the second film to shut the critical whiners up.

Unfortunately, that left a lot of the people getting all confused and shit why Bootstrap is alive in Dead Man's Chest. So they put in a scene where Bill explains to his son how things happened (aka the crushing depths talk with Legolas).

If the brains of certain audience members skipped that part, the man's very existence will be confusing, as it turned out for my dipshit seatmate who thought the movie had a plothole when the only hole I can see from my seat is the gaping one where her brain is supposed to be.

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As for the movie, the ending ruined it for me. The ending is a hanging ending, not in the good "let the audience decide" ending done by most good movies that have open ending - it's the " we like to sellout by making sure you'll be watching the second half of the film we'll make by making this ending nonesensically incomplete".

At the credits it said "Based on Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean Ride".

No.

The movie is based on Disney's corporate tendency to sellout entertainment for kids to make more money by whoring out their "beloved" characters in stupid sequels and subpar, overpriced merchandise.

Fuck Bruckheimer. Fuck my seatmate. Fuck this movie.

They've ruined a potentially wonderful experience.