Manila Peninsula Mutiny Jokes

Thursday, November 29, 2007

So an armored personnel carrier walks into a bar. Bartender looks at it and says, "Manila Peninsula's across the street."

So how many mutineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 200. They all latch themselves to the bulb and then allow themselves to be spun around by Trillianes.

What did Oakwood say to Manila Peninsula? "Been there, done that."

Oakwood: "You're a little late."
Manila Peninsula: "I'm already torn."
Glorietta 2: "I'm cold and I'm ashamed, and broken on ground floor."

Sinong fairytale character daw ang nagpauso ng paguwi before 12?
Si Cinderella?
Eh sino?
Edi si Bernardo Curfew! laugh.gif


Bakit daw pumasok yung APC sa Manila Pen?
Para daw hindi kalawangin sa ulan.

Things I want to see in the next gen portable consoles.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

With the recent success of the Nintendo DS's sales all over the world because of its innovative ways of making the casual gamer look even more retarded on the go (and maybe because of the sales figures too), I'll predict that the next generation of portable consoles will be an interesting one. After adding a microphone and a touch based interface to the casual handheld, the skies the limit for console designers on what to add to their next cutting edge console.

Just to review first, here are a list of "failed" innovations that have haunted/plagued the portable console market:

Monochromatic Stereoscopic vision - Maybe in the future we're finally going to get that headset that lets us really immerse ourselves into virtual reality through an eyeglass-wearable gaming console that adjusts the PoV inside a game as we turn our heads. Population problems will be solved as countless people cluelessly walk into incoming traffic because they were "Trying to run away from that monster in Doom6". In that future, we'll be laughing at the vomit and headache-inducing piece of shit that his the Virtual Boy and how it tried to make things 3d and failed at it harder than Toni Gonzaga in making music albums. Being in 3D doesnt matter if all you're seeing is RED and the promise of epileptic seizures.

Adding too much shit not related to gaming (telephones, fax, shit like that) - Remember the N-Gage? That shit was just wrong. It looked like an oven toaster attached to the side of your head when making phonecalls and it looked like a chunk of Limburger cheese as a handheld. Whenever I saw somebody using an NGage I could automatically assume we can never be friends.

Exploding consoles - Wonderswan adds realism to the gaming experience by randomly exploding while charging its batteries. Actually it's not really a feature. More of a bug, the only reason I put it here is because you could brag "you like to play dangerously" with this feature and not be too far from the truth. But do I have to point out the issues here? Imagine the lost saved games.

That said, here are some features I want on my next generation portable console:

Breathalyzer - In case you dont know what this is, it's a tool that's used by law enforcement peeps to keep track of your alcohol level in your blood. Can you imagine a portable gaming console that lets you keep track of how far you're into a drinking game? Most drinking games never get finished, because you're usually too drunk to continue. Drinking games on a gaming console that are capable of saving things will let you progress, long after you've blacked out, puked, gotten into a barfight, and blacked out again.

Pedometer - No. It's not what you're thinking. A pedometer checks the number of steps its wearer makes. What? What were you thinking? Anyway, with this feature, the next gen console can even make the gamer more ridiculous by requiring steps in a game, say an RPG. Just imagine this. While trying to level up your pokemon by walking for as many miles as possible you walk into an alley where a sexual predator sees you. He begins chasing you and then you run away, and then run away some more. Your heart's pounding with thrill, and Pikachu's finally gonna get that next attack skill. Two for one entertainment, booya.

GPS - Actually this feature's already been implemented by a gaming console, the Gizmodo. Unfortunately for us, everything else about that console was just wrong. (one look at how it looks like and you'll know, it's shit. I can't believe how many companies still get the very basic requirement of not looking like a deterrent to a good sex life wrong) Anyway, with GPS the pedometer will be much easier to use, once you find yourself lost from all that walking. Other uses include locational based strategy games with your friends, for one helluva game of hide and seek. That and it'll be easier for your parents to find your body after the sexual predator from the pedometer episode finally catches up to you.

Portable Crankshaft - I don't know if this still happens but ever experienced having your console die out on you while on a long-haul trip? If the new nextgen console has a crank of sorts that will let you manually power it with your legs (for pedals) or left hand (if hand-driven) would be pretty lolly. As an added bonus, it fits in with the goal of all portable gameconsoles: To let the players experience the awkwardness of having to hold a plastic thingie with buttons on it while on the go.

I got other ideas but my hands are too tired to type. Got any more ideas?

Manila Earthquake

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

God's playing with His Wii.

So I guess this is the end of the console wars.

Goodbye XBox360. Goodbye PS3.

Fuck you Nintendo, fuck you.

Working on the Go

The other day, while I was quietly waiting for my flight to Manila at the HK airport, a couple of Filipino men sat in front of me at the boarding gate lounge. From their looks, they were probably no different from me, sent by their company to work overseas. It was more of a passing observation, I was tired and I just wanted to concentrate in trying to watch porn in my portable player without getting caught.

It was all good, but then they just had to whore more attention. One guy brought out a laptop and started talking (read: yelling out loud) about how he's setup the servers already in linux (Redhat 9) and how he wants to go to Chicago (Illinois, yes, he mentioned this too) at this time of the year. I tried to keep it in and let it slip. The man needs to work, and maybe he's just living near the airport, that's why his hearing is messed up.

And then he whips out his phone. His companion walked away. He then starts talking about how much he's earning, and how he's travelling and shit. Meanwhile my boner has vanished to thin air, replaced by blood-curdling whispers from the back of my head requesting manslaughter.

The other passengers noticed of course. He was loud as fuck. Proof? The mainland Chinese who are notorious for having the DSL lines of blabbermouthery (i.e. lots and loud) had to take notice too.

And then something interesting happened, and I wish I was making this up. The phone he was holding rang. A moment of silence was held for the poor guy. If I listened harder I swear I would've heard somebody's dignity dying. Good thing he took it as a cue to shut the fuck up too.

I just couldn't understand what he was doing. Was he trying to impress strangers waiting for the plane? What would that get him anyway? That's like giving foreigners handjobs hoping that'll get you a Barangay Captain position in the elections.

It's retarded.

Listen, working on the go does not make you look successful. If ever, it just makes you look like any of the following:

- A douchebag who can't finish his work at the office and has to work extra to make up for it.
- A corporate slave who has no life whatsoever outside work.
- A corporate slave douchebag who can't finish his work at the office.

I'm not saying telecommuting is bad. It's just not something to be flaunted, that's all. You want to see what really successful people do to show they're succesful? They don't. They just are. I doubt Michael Jordan dribbles his ball and shoots hoops while waiting for the plane (or maybe he just jumps from state to state). Even Michael Jackson holds off his child molestation practices until he gets to his ranch.

Also, on a minor sidenote, uttering the phrase RedHat Linux 9 in public will gain you nothing but a good reason for being ostracised.

Next, when you're travelling because your company sent you to whichever country you're in, that also doesn't make you big time. It's company money and the reason you're being sent to that country is that they don't want to pay more to get somebody already working in that country to do your job. Yes, you're a human 50% off coupon and no, it's not something to be proud of.

Long story short, if you still need to show people how successful you are, you still ain't. If you think you already are, at that stage, you're obviously missing several important points.

IQ points. A hundred or so.

Performing Groups

Monday, November 26, 2007

So anyway, a friend from china told me about their Chinese trapeze circus group coming to town for a couple of performances. She asked me how come we here in the Philippines don't have anything like that. I told her, "Actually we do. We have domestic acrobatics performing groups, and they're quite famous." So she asked "What's that? how come I've never heard of them before?" "Easy," I told her, "because around here, we call them akyat-bahay gangs instead."

Beyond the Closet

Sunday, November 25, 2007

So come out already. Geez.

GForce/Gatchaman Movie Moment

Thursday, November 22, 2007

My officemates and I were talking about GForce being turned into a movie earlier. Apparently the guys who will be doing the special effects for the film will be from Imagi, a company based across the street, most notable for their last project Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

G-Force? What the fuck. Does anybody even remember what that was all about? All I remember was that there was a hot girl in pink there and a stupid fat guy wearing an owlsuit. And yoyos . I dont know who was using them, but there were definitely yoyo's.

I hate cartoons with yoyo's.

And people with names like "Condor Joe".

Specially if Joe actually try to look like a Condor.

So what's it going to be about? If it were up to me I'd put the series up to speed and give it a sign of the modern times:

Gatchaman/G-Force/Battle of The Planets vs. their most deadly enemy yet.


Something Serious For A Change

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Sorry I haven't been able to write anything in days. When this blog started, I promised myself I'll keep my throughput of articles as constant as possible, but right now it's something that's very hard for me to do. A lot has happened this week. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm exhausted.

Today's the sixth straight day that I'll be going home late from work where I'm currently juggling two projects about to launch that I'm handling alone as a developer. Both projects are running behind schedule and since they're critical to the company's image, they're loaded with twice as much pressure as the internal projects that arent seen by the public. This load does not include various requests from completed projects that I support.

I seriously have not reached so near my breaking point (i.e. since the final days of my previous work when I clocked 70-80 hour workweeks on a regular basis.) I sometimes feel my hands tremble and heartbeat double, a sure sign that I'm near the point of collapsing. My logic and responsiveness are also showing signs of wearing out. It's no longer a coincidence I'm referring to people by somebody else's name. Three times in two days says so.

My work environment is bound to have great changes in the next few weeks as well. Two very important figures in my workplace are leaving and there's definitely some reshuffling that will be anything but relaxing. The anxiety of uncertainty is getting to me, leading to sleepless nights and undue stress.

Stocks have plunged while I was gone, rendering me unable to save earnings. Goodbye, XBox360. The bleak outlook in the near future says I won't be getting that XBox money anytime soon. I bought myself a drummania controller for the PC/PS2 as a consolation. Bleh.

My NaNoWriMo entry is stuck at 7,000 words. That's seven chapters out of the required fifty at the end of the month. My sets planned post-workshop lay unpolished. My other side project that's supposed to bring in money lay in hiatus as well. Nothing's getting done anymore.

Angel Locsin still hasn't answered my emails yet. I hate it when that happens. (i.e. always) If she keeps at it, I swear I'll go back to Toni without thinking twice.

I love where I am right now, doing what I do, having what I have. But sometimes it just doesn't feel good anymore. Is this what you wanted to tell me, Alex? I guess even back then you already knew more than I do now.

I know myself. I can make the best jokes when I'm under the most pressure. It actually relaxes me to write humor and other bullshit you find here. But you know the feeling during nights that your body is so tired that you can't even make yourself go to sleep? My brain feels like that right now.

But to what limit must a man push himself against, before he breaks or decides to call it quits? To what extent must he test his own, before he calls it a day with no regrets? And if ever there was a measure to what can be achieved in a lifetime, will sheer mettle hold up to its standards? A man is defined not by what he entirely does with his lifetime, but what he does to the lives of others that he touches. A man learns not by what he only remembers but by what he is able to apply with success. To die a man or to live as something less, is but a question we all must eventually answer.

Post Workshop Babble

Monday, November 19, 2007

Okay, I just got back from the standup comedy workshop. Here's stuff that I learned that I shouldn't really be forgetting soon.

- Standup comedy is not similar to written comedy.

- In written comedy, the reader dictates the pace so even if the reader is a bit slow, the joke adjusts to his rate of comprehension. Standup comedy puts the pace burden on the comic so timing is everything.

- Jokes are look short on paper are often still too long for the stage. Example:

Written: "I was able to convince my girlfriend to go to a threesome. During the action though, I realized I should at least be participating too."

Too long.

I revised it to this: "My girfriend told me how wonderful the threesome last night was. Heh, wait till I join in!"


- Being onstage is fucking scary, specially when you're facing a russo-korean, a mainland chinese girl, a chino-indian guy, a chino-american guy, and a bunch of white people from town.

- Shitting on your pants because of nervousness never helps.

- Domestic Helper jokes will always get the big "OOOOO", and yes, even if you're Filipino.

- When you go onstage, you better have a set you know by heart. Nobody enters races and assembles their cars on the spot. Doing something like that in standup comedy is tragedy.

- Spacing out because of silence is never a good thing. Doing ummms to maintain pace is shit stupid.

- Imagining a naked audience never helps, specially when you get hardons from such ideas.

- The mic stand does not conceal hardons very well.

- Or the mic for that matter. It's a sort of thing that's frowned upon in many civilized countries (except Japan, where anything weird is acceptable)

- I need to do more of standup comedy. Much more.

The more you learn, the more you realize how much more you need to learn.

I gotta work on my act.

Dead Humorists

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I bet it would be really tough when comedians die. You don't really know if they're there to send condolences or if they're just making sure that the death wasnt a prank. If it's a real death, more people will be disappointed than grevious, saying "Maaan, what a chip. And I thought I was going to see a good joke." And we all know disappointing people through death is never a good thing.

As for me, I was thinking back to all the funerals I've attended and I realized one thing. I saw the people coming and going in the funerals and now I think "Shit, I can't die yet. I don't have enough friends to visit me!"I mean, who'd eat the sandwiches? It'd be worse if people would feel that they're wasting the sandwiches and then secretly pack them into my casket so nobody will ever notice that they were unconsumed. Because then I wouldn't know if I'm going to hell, heaven, or a picnic.

What would be awesome though is if we can get customized caskets. Like, for me, it would be cool if people used caskets that look like coke vending machines. If a passerby looked at a burial that uses a casket like that, they'd go "Why are they burying a perfectly good vending machine?" They'd feel real righteous about it too but later on they'd feel bad when they realize that it can really be buried because there's nothing to vend inside. There's advertisment opportunities somewhere there too, if you think really hard.

A good epitaph would be something tough-sounding like "So, you finally got dirt on me. You happy?", but I'd rather write my own epitaph when I already need it.

Slow Brain Mornings

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

There will come a time when saying "it must be my adenosine triphosphate levels acting up again" gets by as an acceptable excuse for forgetting to put on pants before coming to the office. It looks like today's still not part of that "time". Stupid cavemen.

Imperial Order #26

Monday, November 12, 2007

Register and then vote for KRIS(#4). As a man of arts I'd encourage you to check the competition out, but then again, you'd just be wasting time. Register and then vote, and you'll get free PS Gift Packs consisting of Personalized Seedless Butong Pakwan and Dr. Wong's soap courtesy of Dr. Wong. (To claim prizes, click "Next Blog" on the link bar above and contact the blog owner. If he says he doesnt know anything about the promo, he's lying and you have to fight for what you've won. Because life's like that. )

Boarding Borderline Retards

I'm a geek. I admit it. Stuff that I brood over are usually stuff that most people won't really care about even if it were a matter of life and death. One good example occurs during boarding time of any international flight. Boarding of airplane passengers is usually carried out in this order:

1. First-class Passengers
2. Travelers with children, elderly, disabled.
3. People from the back economy-class rows.
2. People from the middle economy-class rows.
1. People from the front economy-class row.

But now here's the real puzzle: Whenever I get assigned at the back row and I finally enter the plane, I notice that there are already people (sometimes lots of them) sitting in the front row economy class. Mind you that row numbers are checked while in line and doublechecked upon entrance.

Judging from how most of these people look, I can make the following statements:

- They do not have kids.
- They are not sitting in first class.
- They are not part of the air/ground crew.
- They are not elderly and are not accompanying any elderly people.
- The fact that they got there fast means they're far from cripple.

Because of that I can only think of a couple of theories as to how they got there:

- They've always been there. I.e., people from the previous flight who refused to leave (the same way we watch movies when we arrive with the film halfway done already)
- They entered by the cargo hold.
- They're mentally retarded.

The first two sound a bit farfetched, so long story short, my quick answer to this problem is that I'm riding with a lot of mentally-defective people. Somehow that doesn't make me comfortable in any way. Remember Goonies?

Sometimes I think I'm putting waay too much thought on these things, but then again, maybe someday all this information might come in handy. Like when a plane is dangerously overweight and running out of fuel, and we need to determine which people can be thrown off the plane first.

Maybe, anyway.

HK Leave

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I'll be leaving for HK for two weeks starting today. Stop leaving hookers at my doorstep while I'm gone. As much as I appreciate gifts, I don't think my family will be able to appreciate them as much. I'll be attending one of Jami Gong's standup comedy workshops while I'm there. The sooner I can try my luck in doing real standup comedy, the faster I can remove the "aspiring" word in my profile description. (and replace it with some other word like vapid or lecherous)

Anyway, toodles.

An 80% Done Joke

Thursday, November 08, 2007

A Filipino met up with an old friend who happens to be Korean. They go to Malate and eat at a Korean restaurant. "You know," the Korean said, "We Koreans are very patriotic. Watch and learn." The Korean ordered food in the crowded restaurant and said to the waiter "serve us first before the Filipinos." Lo and behold, they were served before everybody else. "Because Koreans work in this place," the Korean said, "I can do any damn thing I please."

Next they went to a Korean grocery and the korean wanted to prove his point again. The korean got two cans of beer and cut the line to the cashier"Because Koreans work in this place," the korean said, " i can do any damn thing I please. See how we're patriotic?"

The Filipino nodded his head and after a few more hours, they finally separated.The Korean then went home to his house and then surprised, he saw the gate open. He went inside and saw his bedroom open as well.

Inside he peered and saw the Filipino guy making sweet love to the Korean's wife. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" screamed the Korean A filipina maid and a filipino security guard walked into the room and said at the same time, "Boss, pitriyotik din kami!"

CamPhones + Concerts = Douchebaggery

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Here's one thing I really hate about watching live band performances: ASSHOLES WHO STAND IN FRONT OF YOU AND RAISE THEIR CAMERAPHONES UP TO VIDEO THE ENTIRE THING, effectively blocking your good view of the stage.

I guess it's okay if it's something that's very rarely seen like performances of good startup bands that don't appear on music tv channels or if there's a good chance the vocalist will get shot before the performance ends. Shot with a with a gun, if you're asking, and not drugs, the latter is more than expected.

That I can understand.

But to watch the performance on a 2inchx1inch screen just so you can cover a performance that you went all the way to the venue for (and pay tickets, if you're not the cheapskate I think you are)?


And what do you get for it? A shitty copy of something that you can download off the net in crisp quality 1028i HDTV quality minus the loud coughing of the moron beside you who has apparently never seen a handkerchief before.

Good f'ing luck bragging to your friends that you saw that blurred pieces of shit in the center of screen you'd like to call "the vocalist" live onstage.

I wouldn't surprised if one day I'll read in the news that one of the casualties of a recent big concert will be some asshole who ruined the experience of other concertgoers by raising their hands so their camphones can get a better view than their owners.

Those camphones probably don't even like what theyre recording. If they did, they probably would've done a better job than the shitty videos you see on youtube.

Bring back the concerts where people raised lighters and potentially killed themselves in the dumbest way possible: by setting their hair on fire.


Some Random Travel Pictures

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Okay, Sherlock. Which of the two check-in counters is more likely to mix up your baggage with someone else's and send it all the way to Cancun, Mexico?

There aren't many things I don't want to see just before taking off. One of them is malfunctioning scheduling software.

On a slab of ruined ancient Roman walling: FORNICUS ITALUS PLUMERIA (Fuck Super Mario)

Is it just me or does this Peter Pan look less like a child and more like a child molester? And why does he oddly look like Chris Hansen?

Not shown in the pics:
Vacation photos that actually tell you how nice it is to be traveling in other countries.

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