Lost Person Scam

A man approached me yesterday as I was making my way to the lrt station and asked for help. He was softspoken in a very effeminate way (translation: he's gay), and his voice was surprisingly hushed for his large bodyframe (translation: he's a big gay). Being the honest, kind, benevolent, saintly man that I am, I stopped chasing the collegialas in front of me and listened to what he has to say.

The man explained his situation. He's from the province, he got lost on his way to parañaque and he now needs forty pesos so he can return to Antipolo. Cool. I've always wanted to help lost strangers asking for money so they can return to whatever hole they came from.

And by help, I mean torment till he starts meditating on the feasibilty of murder.

See, there's more to this situation than meets the eye. Fact of the matter is, this guy is no longer a stranger. Irony of ironies, I've seen him three times before. Once in front of my office, once along Rizal Stadium and yesterday, near Robinson's place. And he's not lost either, in fact, he claimed that he was lost all three times we've met.

Yes, all THREE times, he found himself broke, lost and needing a ride home. My bullshit detector fell of its rocker and committed suicide on the spot after hearing his story a third time.

So I decided to "help along". Conversation went something like this (in Tagalog, give or take a few lines)

Me: So you said you needed how much again?
Big Gay Al: Forty pesos.
Me: To go back to antipolo?
Big Gay Al: Yes
Me: And you said you're lost?
Big Gay Al: Yes
Me: And that you were originally going to Parañaque?
Big Gay Al: *hesitant* Yes
Me: To Parañaque?
Big Gay Al: Like I said.
Me: Parañaque.
Big Gay Al: Are you slow? I said I needed to go to Parañaque.
Me: No, you said you need to go to Antipolo.
Big Gay Al: But I need to go back already since I'm lost.
Me: If you're lost how will you know your way back?
Big Gay Al: I'll ask people.
Me: So where did the forty pesos figure come from? Estimate?
Big Gay Al: Uh.. yeah.

At this point I've decided to lay down my cards. Mainly because I'm getting bored and he looks like he's starting to see what I'm getting at.

Me: That wasn't what you said last time we talked.
Big Gay Al: Huh?
Me: Rizal stadium. You also got "lost" then.
Big Gay Al: That wasn't me.
Me: There aren't too many big gay people getting lost around here so I reckon it's you.
Big Gay Al: Excuse me??
Me: See? That was how you reacted last time around too.
Big Gay Al: GAGO! KUNG AYAW MONG TUMULONG WAG KANG MAMBASTOS! (If you don't want to help, don't uhh embarass me!) *walks away*
Me: Try not to get lost again!

See, if you're going for the oh-shit-im-lost con act, I think it's only right that you make yourself lost in as many places as possible. Because if the same people keep on seeing the same you on the same place, we can no longer say you're lost. And by we, I mean the rest of the populace who seek to earn money without conning people into giving you alms and who just might be crazy enough to do something drastic about your problem - i.e. kill you.

There's a reason why we call scams "outsmarting" people. That means you should at least be smarter, or at least better prepared than the person you're going to be tricking. Big gay Al couldn't even understand this concept.

To this guy, or if ever you're in the same biz, please, do us a favor and go play in traffic.