Pedicabs = Road Cancer

Monday, December 29, 2008

If in case you're the type of person who never really bothers to look out your car's window while you and your manong driver whizzes past the various roads that you take to and from your favorite gimik place, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But since it's christmas, I would be nice enough to tell you that this is what we call a pedicab/sidecar/depadyak:

Exhibit A: If you don't know what this is and you're a Filipino, go kill yourself.

And next to overbearing asshole drivers, these are the next worst thing on the road right now (not considering Bayani Fernando's amazingly viral suck-my-cock posters that appear as far as Tagaytay).


Don't get me wrong, I do think pedicabs have uses. For those times that you need to carry very heavy things to and from places where there are no buses or jeeps passing by, and it's too impractical to get a taxi, pedicabs are quite useful.

Granted, these things have no carbon footprints, and are probably the only things capable of entering moderately flooded areas during the rainy seasons.

Yes, they have uses but damn if they're not causing just as much trouble.

1. Traveling inside a pedicab on a national road is about as safe as having freewheeling unprotected sex in Quezon Ave. Have you ever seen a road accident involving a car and a pedicab with everybody walking away unharmed? Me neither. These things have no reflectors for night travel, no safety braces, no nothing.

2. Pedicabs don't respect lanes, direction of traffic, stoplights, sidewalks and rules of the road in general. They're basically like unruly pedestrians with heavy rusty metal tacked onto them. I can't recall how many times I almost got run over by a pedicab on a one-way street because it was going against the traffic, and I can't begin to count how many times I almost crashed into one while driving because it tried to create lane # 2.5 on the road. Bad bit here is the rule of accidents in this country is that whoever has a smaller vehicle and bigger damage is always the victim - even if the goddamn pedicab dove in front of you with a signboard that basically says "KILL ME PLS"

3. Pedicab queues are strategically placed in narrow areas, blind street corners, and traffic-prone places, ensuring you'd have a dandy fine time looking at how they're so nicely positioned while you wait in the traffic jam that they're causing. Do we really need so many of them? It's like for every one person who needs a pedicab, there's 15 waiting for a ride. Which takes me to point #4.

4. People get lazy, nuff sed.

Once upon a time, these things weren't allowed on national roads. Like here in Manila, a few years back, Mayor Atienza forced them to stay where they're not as likely to end up as road fodder.

Oh what I'd do to go back to those good ol' days.

It's 4:30AM

I can't sleep, so I'll leave this doodoo on my blog.

So much for today.

Post Christmas Roundup

Sunday, December 28, 2008

In case you people have been wondering why I'm whoring this blog the way I used to, I went on a persocom/internet rehab program that my younger sister started. I spent the past few days in Cavite where the closest thing I have to a computer is a Wii that has about 5 games in it.

As for stories, I can't really give you much since I was too busy soaking up in nostalgia to bother myself in making mental notes. I did have one quote noted however, and it says:

"No next-gen computer console can top the adrenaline rush of being chased by a rabid dog while riding your bike."

Red Ring of Death? Try Rabies.


So anyway, we had our Aguinaldo-giving again this year, the same way last year except this year I sponsored half of the budget. This year, we used the same methodologies again as last year. My mom gives out stubs with numbers on one side of the house and I give out the corresponding 20 peso bills in exchange for stubs on the other side of the house. My mom is responsible for stamping people so they don't do repeats and I'm responsible for controlling the released tickets.

Since people have this tendency to swamp people who give out the money, the dual line process gives me the reason to say "I only give money to the people with stubs" and if my mom gets badgered about money, she can always say "I only give out stubs"

The stubs are numbered also, so people won't be able to cut lines when receiving the actual numbers. Of course, Filipinos being the ingenious fuckers that they are, still manage to find ways to try and violate/rape the system.

We gave out about 400 20-peso bills and during that time, the following methods of trying to cheat were noticed:

- Classic line cutting. Since the stubs were numbered, I always find myself amused to see the number jump from 16 to 97. That's like 81 people skipped.

- People who reason out lost stubs. Now, while it's possible to lose your stub, the line where my mom distributes the stubs is about 10 meteres away from me. If you lose your stub the 30 something steps you did on your way to my side of the house then maybe you shouldnt really be holding a 20 peso bill.

- People who say they're too old to get stubs. I don't know about you, but the last time I checked, aguinaldos ARE for kids. While we dont really discriminate the old from the young during these sessions, push comes to shove, maybe the old people really shouldnt fall in any of the two lines.

- Pickpockets. Since I distribute while standing, I can't recall how many times I felt a small hand reach into the pockets of my shorts. Lucky for me, I was holding all the money and stubs in my hands. I swear, if it weren't Christmas, I'd have smashed whoever owned those hands with my elbow.

- The last case, I found really amazing. We opened our gates to distribute for a very short time and until that time, nobody really knew how we were going to go about it. The stub is made up of a cutout piece of an old Mercury Drug calendar, with a number written on it and a scribble, which is actually my mother's signature.
During the latter parts of the aguinaldo-giving I saw COUNTERFEIT stubs, manufactured in almost less than an hour. I wish I was shitting you but I'm not. Calendar cutouts from other calendars, ones that have scribbles but arent my mother's signature on it. I had to drive these people away as fast as I could before I decide to go anti-piracy on those assholes.

Talk about Christmas surprises.

All and all, it was tiring but fun. We learned many things this year so next year we'll probably be working with the NBI and will be employing biometrics and online preregistrations instead.

Even if it's late,

A very merry Christmas to each and every one of you.

10 Reasons Why Twilight ABS-CBN Is Cool

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

So it seems that ABS-CBN is planning to launch a TV Series officially based on the Twilight books by Stephanie Meyer. While seemingly a hoax most retards in this country fell for, I'll indulge and throw my centavos in and give everybody 10 reasons why Twilight can be done by ABS-CBN properly.


10. From the looks of it, massive amounts of drugs were involved in making the Twilight movie, something that should be right up the alley of actors of our country who kept on protesting against mandatory drug testing a few years back.

9. The Twilight Movie had shitty 70s era special effects. The people who made Kabayo Kids and Kapitan Barbel (the original movie) a spectacular hit would be able to replicate those things down to the last draw-shit-on-the-film lightning effect.

8. The leading actor has unexplainable bouts of catatonia. Sounds like a job for Jorros Gamboa
whose most glorious and moving moments on screen are those where he didn't have to move at all (or show up for that matter).

7. A vampire movie where vampires don't like to suck blood and instead love playing baseball? That's at about the same level of stupidity as a sentient, killer Christmas Tree. Oh yeah, you remember that shit now, don't you? If we can make that work in Shake Rattle and Roll, this should be a walk in the park for our amazingly creative writers.

6. The lead actress gets kidnapped by the bad dude and is brought to an abandoned place where the lead man needs to follow the bad dude and thrash the place without any policemen arriving until the last part of the movie? I'm starting to think THEY'RE the ones ripping us off.

5. Speaking of lead actresses, we have a girl who's pasty as hell and is still attractive on the standards of most people on the film. It'd be so much more understandable here in the Philippines where Colonial mentality says "the whiter the better".

4. Instead of having to reason out that it's always cloudy here, we can always just say that Vampires like to stay in Manila because people who wear glitters on their skin around here aren't looked at with surprise. We just assume they're being proud of their homosexuality and get on with our lives.

3. We have lots of indians who sell cars and other sorts of things too. A different kind of indian, but indian nonetheless.

2. Harry Potter wasn't available.

1. The book wasn't good anyway and you fucking know it. You can't ruin garbage by turning it into shit.


Monday, December 22, 2008

I was thinking last night why guys never get debuts. And then I thought, at the age of 18, it was simply impossible to get 18 of guys to hold candles for you. You can't make them go teary eyed saying "You're my best buddy ever. I love you Stevie. I even have a song prepared for you..."

That ain't right.

The only scenario where I think guys will be willing to hold candles is if they're standing around a casket and I'm inside. And only if there are no cameras around.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. If you're a guy and not exactly the freshest vegetable in the cart, can you think of how you're going to ask 18 women to give you 18 roses and dance with you on your party? And no, there can't be any money involved.

Otherwise it'll be a stag party instead.

Or a college overnight group study.

But I digress.

Eighteen. Eighteen is a good age though. Everything becomes legal after turning eighteen. Driving, alcohol, voting - mostly dangerous things that will either endanger your your dad's car, your liver, or Democracy, depending on how you go about it.

China and Piracy

Sunday, December 21, 2008

So China is now fighting piracy in Somalia. If I were one of the Somalian pirates, I'd be pretty fucking pissed, because everybody knows, if there's one country that's a bigger pirate than anybody else in this world, it's China. Talk about shit telling vomit it stinks.

Chemical Manila 7

Friday, December 19, 2008

"We really didn't know what was happening, not until it was too late," one soldier said to me as I stood at the overlook, staring at the hypnotic dancing of the distant flames. I nodded. I did not want to take my eyes of the flames. I felt if I stopped, I'd eventually have to face the reality what I was hearing.

I heard him walk towards my side, his boots thudding on the wooden platform I was standing on. "You lost many friends today kid," he said in a consoling manner, "but everybody here's lost somebody dear to them today too."

I didn't quite understand what he said but I looked around and saw everybody's faces at different a light. It was true, they all had rigid facial expressions, but the eyes of everybody around me had a certain tinge of sadness accentuated by the glow of the road lighting. There was well-hidden grief in their faces, even that of the foreigner lady.

After a few minutes, one of the soldiers motioned that we should press on. The group started walking on the road again in pairs. The soldier who talked to me stayed by my side, and I found some comfort in that. He introduced himself as Mario, a private from a regiment of the national army stationed in Mt. Makiling whose main role is protecting the forest from poachers, loggers, and the occassional escaped criminal.

At least, that how things were before this day.

There was still a long ways to go to the top, and I felt the need to start figuring out what was happening. The sooner I knew what was going on, the better. Half-hesitant, I asked him to tell me what had happened, and promised myself I'd try my best to let it all sink in, no matter how unbelievable it would sound.

Unbelievable would appear to be quite an understatement.

Mario told me how the situation had unfolded while we were in the forest.

It started that morning, when everybody woke up to see even the most polluted of waters of Laguna became sparkling clean. People rejoiced and called it a miracle.

Several hours later, people living near the waterways who tried to drink the water began to die one by one. People started running away from the water sources while panic and hysteria spread all over the towns. The local police force tried to contain the population but they were too many, too late. Various military units were deployed along the towns, along those from Mario's regiment.

Soon, the households far from the waterways started reporting people dying after drinking normal water from the faucets. The sick people were sent to the hospitals that soon overflowed with the dying, the grieving, and the dead.

The dead, however, did not stay dead long, as Mario grimly narrated.

A person who died from drinking the supposedly "miracle" water died a clinical death, but would later wake up, ravenous. People who self-resurrected appeared with animal-like behaviour, similar to patients suffering from late-stage Rabies.

Victims of "the miracle" had bloodlust, and wanted to eat any living creature it would set its eyes on, even fellow human beings. Those who were wounded by the victim had the infection spread to them as well, with the infection taking effect much faster than when affected by just the water. Soon enough, everybody was infected, and the refusal of people to accept what was happening led to one kin infecting another until very little could be done to prevent the spread of the infection.

The army eventually had to pull out of the towns. Those who could not were infected themselves. Mario's regiment was one of the lucky few who were able to move out in time.

I felt my knees become weaker and weaker as I listened to Mario's tale. His eyes were distracted, twitching left and right as though he were reliving what he saw. The other soldiers remained silent, listening just as intently as me.

The whole idea of finding oneself in the middle of a holocaust of such proportions is simply unimaginable that anybody would find it easy to accept that it was all a dream. That wasn't my case, however. I remembered how my classmates had chased me, and how Mr. Santos had killed off the soldiers from earlier. I felt nausesated once again, but only for a while.

After a few more bends, we arrived at a clearing on the road closed off with steel mesh fences as tall as two men, reinforced with sandbags at the bottom and barbed wiring on top. We went towards one area where there was a small heavy-looking paddock door. Several towers behind the fence illuminated the entrance with floodlights and there were at least ten men armed with guns watching our every move. A doctor stood close to the entrance, jotting down notes while glancing at us every now and then.

As I entered the gate, I saw a domed structure looming a few hundred meters behind a row of trees. "Welcome to our temporary base," Mario said while patting me in the back.

There were rows of army lorries parked just beyond the gate. I got to wonder why they had not used those to pick us up instead, but kept the thought for some other time. We headed for an army tent just a few meters across the gate where doctors examined me and Toffee, who looked like she was much better now than a few moments ago.

We were ordered to sit down on a table where they gave us bread, cheese, and bottled water. People looked happy everytime they watched us, and though I did not understand why, it soon became apparent that there were no other children in the base but us. At the moment, I didn't care.

I was just happy to be able to finally eat again.

Forum Arson 101

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Works like magic, everytime.

10 Signs Your Company Might Be Tanking

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The financial crisis is right at our doorsteps people, doing whatever it is that bad people do on office doorsteps (take a shit, etc). For all we know, it's bringing in the dreaded "kabuhayang pangkalye" package in exchange for our jobs. Here's a little checklist to know if your company is in danger of being flushed down the financial toilet.

1. A new memo arrived requiring you to reuse staplewires from old documents.

2. The old documents where the staplewires are coming from now serve as substitute for the previously rationed tissue paper rolls.

3. You have a "Pasaload available here" sign in front of your office, and it's managed by the finance department.

4. Overseas deployments now involve you having to ride out of the country on a boat filled with fishermen who routinely "accidentally get lost".

5. You request for a workstation upgrade and all you get for it are flame stickers that are supposed to make your PC look extra fast.

6. Company talks now involve lengthy prayers dedicated to Our Mother of Perpetual Help.

7. And the guy leading the prayer isn't even Catholic.

8. Your company outing takes you to an unmarked plantation where you'll be doing "team spirit reinforcing activities" like cutting sugar cane stalks and planting rice under the blazing sun.

9. Your new mission/vision statement has the word "surviving".

10. Your water cooler suspiciously no longer runs out of water, and has a newly installed funny looking steel pipe that leads to the plumbing of your pantry's faucet.

Quickie Notice

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Toyz Cafe, Open Mic ulit mamaya! I'll do 5 minutes of standup again for those who didn't get to throw rotten vegetables at me last time. If you're going to attend packing heat, please avoid using any of the following: any eggplants over a kilo in weight, any variant of chili, tomatoes (they're not vegetables). Please remove the veggies from the crate before throwing, someone could get hurt.

Aeolia Schenberg's Plan - A Gundam 00 Primer

Okay, so Gundam 00 S2 EP12 subbed is just around the corner, and we might as well take the time to do a bit of review here regarding the central focus of the series: Aeolia Schenberg's Plan.

this guy is fucking with you.

Everybody keeping up to date with the series knows that Aeolia's plan has something to do with eradicating conflict to promote long last peace. That's the part of the plan WE know.

I think it goes deeper than just that.

Starting form the first episode this season, we were introduced one by one to a group of individuals called "innovators", a bunch of genetically engineered humans who both look feminine and masculine at the same time due to their androgynous nature.

Last season, we had Tieria, a gundam pilot who looked really fagged up enough by normal standards. Fans of the series who are used to seeing sexually distinctive women in Gundam suddenly had mixed emotions about Tieria, bringing up the dilemma "If you imagine that character as a girl, but is by canon a guy, and you start having fantasies about him/her, does that make you gay?"

If you find this picture sexy, you might be a potential cocksucker.

And then came Regene, who looks like a Tieria, but is legally female. At first look, it seemed that the Sunrise, the series maker finally indulged on the now-turning-bicurious fans of Tieria and gave them a Tieria who is actually a woman. A Tieria with a distinctly feminine voice. No more ambiguity. No more questioning your own sexuality. Nice.

Or is it?

Episode 8 comes along and just shuffles the cards again. We see Tieria with a feminine voice, a dress, and breasts. Meanwhile, Regene is wearing a tuxedo in a sudden reversal of roles. I felt the surge of mixed emotions filling the messageboards and blogs that weekend. People simply didn't know how to react at what they're seeing.

Yes, sir. I have a penis under this dress.

Every week, Gundam00 shuffles repeatedly across the fine line between "cute" and "gay", gradually erasing it in the process, and people who happen to be watching the show for anything else are slowly, discretely, but forcefully indocrinated to the idea that it's cool to fall for feminine men afterall.

What do I think about it? I think this is the true Aeolia plan. Turn the fans gay, and unify the fanboy base with the yaoi-loving (i.e. people who like men making out with men) fanbase and cater to their whims easier.

Sunrise is using Gundam00 to you gay. And the 00 stands for the testicles that you will eventually lose after watching this shit long enough.

Lost Trust

Monday, December 15, 2008

You don't really realize how much trust you've lost in yourself until you start wearing condoms when masturbating.

If I Hear That Word One More time

Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas Randomness

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Begging is a pretty unique profession. When it's not Christmas, begging is just begging and people are cool with it, but when December hits, you can't just beg old-school style. You have to do it musically, or they'll start calling you a lazy bastard. Does your work require you to sing with a tambourine made of bottle caps during Christmas Season? I don't think so, fucker.

Christmas is like a big celebration of Christ's birthday. Here in the Philippines, Christmas season starts in the -ber months. From September to January, that's more than a whopping 4 months. 1 day out of every three days we spend our lifetimes in is Christmas. So if you're a clown and you're invited to perform for Christ's party...

Pag ako nagkaanak, papangalanan ko syang Simbang Gabi. Para sa wakas, masasabi ko na "Nakabuo na ako ng Simbang Gabi!"

The day I realized Santa sold me out was the first time I got spam mail through my chimney.

I think congressmen are a lot like Santa Claus. They're fat, believable only up to a certain age, and work only once a year - and we're supposed to thank them for it.

Pyramid Scheme Watch: USANA

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Here's an informative post.

Usana is another Multi-level marketing venture scheduled to start operating first quarter next year here in the Philippines. Its parent company is currently listed as a NASDAQ company, and claims it's far from being a ponzi pyramid scam because it doesn't charge fees.

When a rapist says he's not really a rapist because he doesn't laugh maniacally while doing the act, that changes a few things. In the end, he's screwing you anyway.

Here's an article written against the company, written by TerminatedRamp of the NASDAQ msgboards, reposted with permission, which you should take into consideration before jumping into the USANA PHILIPPINES thing.

Or if you're too lazy, just take my word for it and stay away from this USANA company. Feel free to repost this on other places so we don't have to have a lot of crying people after a few months.

As a rule of thumb, never join any multilevel marketing group that sells products you yourself won't buy. A sales company that has nothing to sell is just out to scam people.

Understanding USANA’s Pyramid Scheme is Key To Financial Freedom

If you want financial freedom, then understanding how USANA is a pyramid scheme can help you avoid losing thousands of dollars.

All MLM companies admit that in a pyramid scheme, distributors are paid commission for signing new distributors up. The commission would come from the $20-$40 fee that new distributor pays to become a distributor. USANA avoids this and claims they are a legitimate business opportunity and not a pyramid scheme. Ok, so that must mean USANA is not a pyramid, right? Wrong.
What USANA and many MLM companies do to get around this is pay commission to distributors on SALES VOLUME POINTS. Great! So distributors sell product and everyone benefits. Sounds legitimate, except for the following fact. USANA FORCES its distributors who want to be eligible to collect those commissions to purchase $107-$242 worth of product every 28 days! This forced purchase to participate “IS A FEE” to participate in the venture.

When you have 150,000 Commission Qualified distributors purchasing product because they have to, then those at or near the bottom make nothing while those distributors near the top (those who have hundreds of distributors underneath them) make over 70% of all the commissions paid out. This is how and why 99% of distributors lose money. It is a mathematical fact and a very disappointing outcome for those 99% of distributors.

This 28 day REQUIRED FEE goes toward paying all the distributors above you. So instead of getting paid a commission for signing someone up (which is admittedly illegal), USANA Substitutes this by paying out commissions every 28 days BASED ON THE FEES TO PARTICIPATE paid by the downline distributors. THIS is illegal and the FTC already wrote a letter stating so to the Direct Selling Association in 2004. Here is the letter and you can read it for yourself:….

If you are a USANA distributor, you should really consider what is written here and discuss it with your lawyer or accountant if you do not wish to take my word for it. Only then can you achieve true financial freedom by avoiding this pyramid scheme.

Doing It Right

Monday, December 08, 2008

Yung isa kong kabarkada, sosyalin pero hilaw. Nung isang beses, tinanong ko sa kanya kung bakit ayaw pumasok sa bahay yung isa naming kaibigan.

Sabi nya "Dude, no can do. He's got step on chase."

Ano ibig sabihin nun?

Translation nung isa ko pang kaibigan: "Step on chase, nakatapak ng echas."

Things That Should Not Go Together

Here are a few things which should not go together:

1. Holding your girlfriend's purse for her.

2. Going to a drugstore to buy lubricant for a prank Xmas gift.

3. Having your girlfriend buy the lubricant for you, leaving her name to the pharmacist.

4. Claiming the said lubricant yourself after the pharmacist calls your gf's name.

So there I was, holding a purse, getting lube after the guy calls out for 'Anna'. I can almost hear the guy's thought processes gluing the unexpected pieces of the puzzle together like he's goddamn Sherlock. Me? All I could say was "Pwede kaya pagift wrap to?"

Let's just say it wasn't a particularly high point in my life.

An Open Letter To Inquirer.Net

Sunday, December 07, 2008

pictured: fucking stupid


This is not news. Stop acting like a stupid faggot trying to get your ass SEO'ed start focusing on doing real articles - full articles that make sense. Like, you know, if I take a dump, it's expected shit will come out of my ass. If a boxer goes into a match, his face is bound to swell. STOP STATING THE GODDAMN OBVIOUS just to get noticed by Google. I know we need to earn money, but damn, if your journalistic integrity were a woman, she'd be all over town already.

It also won't hurt if you write sentences properly.

Best Regards,
People against dangerously retarded news.

Laugh at the video, not at me.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

(this video will only be available today.)

As promised, my first born.

(9:49:02 AM)
Jet-YM: it's a lot like the first time you orgasm inside a woman.
(9:49:20 AM) Jet-YM: at the time you're going I DON'T FUCKING CARE. IMMA DO IT NOW
(9:49:40 AM) Jet-YM: afterwards youre just thinking HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT IF I SUDDENLY BECOME A DAD

Final 15. For now.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

It's been a long four weeks, and I guess tonight's a good time to keep the it's-still-a-personal-blog part of this blog up to date. One good reason I have for not updating as regularly as possible is that I entered Laffapalooza 2 by JackTV roughly 4 weeks ago. I made it to the Final 15, well above my expectations. But then again, when you're expecting nothing, anything that doesn't result in injury is pretty much above expectations.

I know for a fact that I could have done better, but I'm not really much into that "regret" thing emos keep on raving about. Mark my words, however, that the Final 15 result is by no means anything final.

Tonight I did my first real Open Mic. The shit I did in HK doesn't count (no offense Jami), and the workshops aren't really done with real audiences. The crowds weren't as big as I expected but then again, it's a Tuesday night. I got real laughs that don't involve a tickling feather, a loaded .45, and a kind word like before.

So far my GF hasn't officially disowned me for my corny jokes so it's still good. (Thanks for being there, Anna! Next time tell them your real age please. I don't like getting he's-a-pedophile looks from people who aren't from the precinct)

That said, the Open Mic felt awesome, and I'm going to keep at it.

Laffapalooza 3, better watch out!

Now, I have done standup comedy and with the help of my cousin, I've finished a real short film. That's two checks in my List Of Things To Do Before I Die. And I'm feeling that doing things in that list is suicide in the most challenging way possible.I'm not alarmed though. I still haven't met any twins worthy/willing to help me mark off the other items in my list.

As a message to myself, here are the few things that I still need to improve on:

- Cutting unnecessary movement, from swaying on stage, to swinging my head, to sudden unnecessary uncontrolled urinations. Just kidding. That last part was partially controlled.

- Facial expressions. I need to learn how to fucking smile at my own jokes at least. Seriously. Or not.

- Better diction. Maybe I should apply at a callcenter just to improve on my accents? Bonus if I work with Indians so I can improve on some jokes too.

If you guys want to see me do some of the things I write down on this blog, you can go see me next week at Toyz Cafe, Palanca St. Makati (near Enterprise Bldg). Drop a message if you're going. Drop a message if you're going and are planning to take me out with a baseball bat.

That's all for now. FOR NOW.

Sa mga naghahanap ng vids, I do have them. I just haven't uploaded them yet on yewtube. Too tired. Tomorrow maybe.

Twilight Review (And Why It Sucks)

Monday, December 01, 2008

Twilight is one of those movies I don't think I'd ever find the motivation to watch in the big screen, but given the circumstances tonight, I thought I'd give it the shot with the consolation that even if I didn't like it, at least I'd be able to blog about something that doesn't involve me talking about my bowel movements.

And given the outcome, well, here's the review.

Twilight is a movie about a girl who hooks up with a vampire and eventually, gets led into a mysterious, dark world where a war is raging between good and evil for over a thousand years.

Just kidding.

It kinda ends after she hooks up, so if you're planning on watching and thinking that summary is accurate, you're setting your standards way too high (so just wait for the new Underworld movie instead - same shit minus the overtly gay undertones)

Getting formal with this review, I'd say the casting is apt. Vampires who are supposed to suck literally are being played by actors who are natural at sucking. The chicks are hot where they are supposed to, and the bad dudes are able to look somewhat bad without going overboard (i.e. not like Sauron)

Cinematography is dodgy, with the weather elements being more erratic than the actors. There was one scene my sister pointed out where the leading guy and girl were soaking wet because they were inexplicably talking in the rain, and after the conversation ends, it's all fucking sunny again, and they're both dry. Another scene shows the leading girl taking an entire day to look for a shop to buy a book she didn't read anyway.

Dialog sounds like the movie was tailored for only two types of audiences: pubescent teenage women and people who like enduring the pain of having to sit through painfully obvious, and baseless conversations. If a girl is able to think the introverted blurts of the vampire dude is charming, then maybe she really is stupid enough to not figure out the obvious like everybody else in the movie.

The plot itself is riddled with holes as well, and quite frankly, you just know the whole story is made up as a poor excuse for fanservice when the "horrible transformation" that the vampires take on when they get exposed to sunlight turns them into FABULOUS glittering gay objects of homolust.

Speaking of homolust, when did all the trend of "vampires = gay people" start anyway? I'm pretty sure Vlad the Impaler wasn't thinking of creating an entire goth subculture filled with braindead guys making out with each other when he was impaling those 50,000 soldiers for kicks. This movie solidifies the reason why nobody takes vampires seriously anymore.

The movie makes Harry Potter seem like an Oscar-worthy picture. At least the guys there were trying to make a decent movie out of a book. Twilight on the other hand had me wanting to read the book just because the various puzzling references and fleeting, purposeless minor character appearances had me going "What was that for?" most of the time. In this sense, this movie is more like a visual accompaniment for a book that probably contains the rest of the plot.

For what it's worth, there were two hot vampire chicks playing minor roles in the film, which made 5% of the entire movie somewhat enjoyable, and it's quite refreshing to see a movie where Indians are the ones persecuting the "white people" for once. I don't know why it's refreshing. Maybe because the last time I saw something like that, I was 11 and I was watching POCAHONTAS.

As a conclusion, I'd tone it down a bit and say maybe this movie is good for its intended audience (14yo girls and masochists). For a guy like me though, it's borderline painful to watch. And no, don't comment about how I need to read the book to appreciate the movie. The reason I like watching movies is because I don't have to read the goddamn book. (see Passion of The Christ) Left on its own, the movie is a trainwreck and is comparable to other high-budget-but-still-shit-quality movies like "You Got Served" and "Equilibrium".

Vampires suck.


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