Ants are Awesome

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

So I was walking around the 21st floor of our condo last night when I saw a bunch of ants feasting on a half-consumed cigarette butt. I just started thinking, how the hell does an ant reach 200 feet above the ground? That's like climbing Mount Everest in "ant meters"!

Meanwhile, I can't even take the stairs up to the 11th floor even if I really needed to (like, say, if there's free tits there and the ground floor is filled with lava) . Or even if I did, I'd be sweating harder than a varsity player in a BAR exam.

Maybe if I saw cockroaches instead I'd be less surprised. Those fuckers have wings and they can probably just fly to the 21st floor. And the ants? I can't even imagine them walking around without a predefined line. What are the odds of them becoming sentient and learning how to use the goddamn elevator?

I looked again. These ants were feasting on a cigarette butt. I don't think ants are the most intelligent creatures, but I'm sure it's pretty standard knowledge in their race that cigarette butts aren't really edible.

A thought entered my head. Maybe these ants are the dumb ones; the ones that are too dumb to know cigarettes can't be eaten; the same dumb ones that don't even know that nobody expects them to be able to reach 200 feet by their own mettle.

But they do so anyway, breaking normal perceptions of ants as they roll along. Sometimes, just being ignorant of the impossible is enough to open the door towards a previously unachievable dream.

And nicotine.

Game Concept

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Noli Me Tange-Wrestling: Battle Royale (Audiencia)


Freedom. Honor. Glory. Historical accuracy. Those are just some of the things that you won't find in this game. Let's face it. Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterimo were tiring novels that you wouldn't pick up at a bookstore if it were at the 20 peso bargain bin if they weren't required in school (specially if they're in Spanish).

This game discards all the boring aspects and just pits the characters against one another in a cut-throat competition that's indio-friendly. Who will be the most pimptastic character of them all? The choice is in your hands.

Playable Characters:

P. Damaso - Oversized friar with an exploding bible (see Rizal The Movie Trailer; The "ang impyerno ay narito naaaaah!" *boom* part. )

Kabesang "Killer" Tales - He took Simoun's gun and now he's the most wanted man in all of San Lucas. Also he likes to put soil on the mouths of his defeated foes (fatality!)

Elias - Ang Bangkero ng Katarungan. Parurusahan ka nya sa ngalan ng kanyang sagwan.

Taong Madilaw - He can summon large stones that can crush the enemy in one blow. There's a chance that the "panghugos" will kill him too. Actually it should kill him all the time. Also, he's yellow.

Kapitan Tiago - Think Sagat, but with slightly more hair. Also, he's tall. That's about it. He's incapable of impregnating his wife, and that should make him one angry captain. Right?

Simoun/Ibarra - Once the "rage" gauge charges, Ibarra transforms into Simoun who can use guns, bombs, and Basilio to destroy his foes.

Padre Salvi - Has a huge scepter that he likes to use on women.

Crazy Sisa - Her hair does half the fighting. Nobody wants to fight with a crazy woman. Nobody. Also, she can summon Crispin, the Bell Master's ghost.

Pilosopo Tacio - Kinda like Dalshim - enlightened, subtle, and breathes motherfucking fireballs to incinerate those that disagree with his ideas.

Final Boss: Governador General - Think Kapitan Tiago, twice as ripped, and with a prehensile penis. He's that dangerous.

Expiry Dates

Monday, April 28, 2008

I looked at a packet of chocolate I was eating one day (not pictured) and saw the expiry date. Then I realized, who was the brave soul who made sure that these dates were accurate? Is there a career description for somebody who does that job? Like, there'd probably be some sort of team inside the quality control department whose sole job is to check if the samples from last year's production batch are still edible.

Supervisor: Okay guys, the November 2007 batch is up for checking. Who's up?
Ralph: That would be Steve, sir. Supposedly.
Supervisor: Supposedly?
Ralph: He last showed up just before he tasted the June 2007 batch. We all think he's dead.
Supervisor: *scribbles notes* So we're off by a few months. Botulism's a bit early this year.
Ralph: So that means the November batch isn't good anymore right?
Supervisor: Weeeeell, we might as well check. Just for formality's sake. You're up.

Yeah. Let's face it. Not all jobs are made equal. Some people code programs, you eat stale food.
Some people get eyebags for overworking, you, on a really bad day, puke half your guts out and shit the rest.

But hey, think of all those lives you save. (or at least the shitfests you prevent)

Completely Work-Safe

Friday, April 25, 2008

I take it back. Photography rules. Sometimes a picture can be deceptively simple, almost making people forget how hard it it to capture a perfect moment that only the photographer can see. If you're curious as to what I'm talking about, click here for the source of the image.

Awesome? I think so.

5 Cosplay Stereotypes You'd Rather Not Meet

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I won't deny it. I enjoy attending those geeky anime conventions and I like watching cosplays. I've been doing so for almost five years now and I'm only half ashamed to say I've taken part in such events myself a couple of times. It's really all fun and games, once you realize you can do with out some things like face and dignity (and proper ventilation for most cases).

But like all gatherings of people, however, there are still some unlikeable bad sides to these conventions. Did I say sides? I meant people. Here are the five stereotypical people that I'd really rather not have mingling around the convention for multiple reasons.

#5 Axe Gang Cosplayers:

So there's the scene: A floor area designed for five hundred people gets filled with more than a thousand con-goers because the organizers want as much money back for their investment as possible. Halfway during the day, the airconditioning breaks down and after that, it's a free for all struggle for oxygen. The first casualties? You can always bet on the cosplayers wearing the heavy "armors". Yeah, those thick costumes quickly turn into mobile saunas once the air outside closes in on room temperature.

Rational cosplayers know this is the time to back down, to remove their gear and to just wait till they really need to show their costumes off. Other people brave on and fight against all odds, tired, sweating and unarmed - with deodorant. And you can smell their courage from across the convention hall. Over 9000, motherfucker.

I really don't get these types. Cosplaying will obviously render you sweating even in the most ideal conditions. We're not in Europe where body odor is a statement. We're in the goddamn tropics, in case you haven't seen a world map. You wear deodorant always, and more when you know you'll need it.

I remember one time I got my photo taken with a chick in a knight outfit. She put her arms on my shoulder to strike a pose. She was drop-dead gorgeous and I felt I could drop dead just inhaling the noxious vapors coming from her exposed armpits.

Good cosplays shouldn't get fucked up by lack of deodorant. Geez.

#4 Female-Male-Female Cosplayers

I acknowledge the fact that in the cosplay world, women can be more flexible because they can cosplay both as male and female characters. Men tend to cosplay characters of the opposite sex just for the laughs, and very rarely because they bat for the other team. Unfortunately, that also just makes things twice as complicated.

So there I was, walking around the con when I saw from behind this awesome Ragnarok Online character cosplay. I walked up to her and looked at her from the front. To my dismay it was this horrible looking guy. I could've heard my fantasies scream out in horror shortly before dying out. Nontheless, it was my mistake and composed myself. I told him how much I found the crossplay funny. He didn't look too amused. And then somebody called him by a girl name, because, apparently, she was really a girl and that I was right the first time around. I remember just walking away from that scene and promptly applying antiseptic to my eyes.

Well now, that can't really be all my fault right? Listen. If you look androgynous (i.e. somebody who has two sex organs) and don't want people confused, don't tempt people into making mistakes about your genders by, uh well, using something that could make them thin otherwise. Maybe put a mask on or something. Fuck if I know.

#3 Recycled Cosplayers

Next on our list are recycled cosplayers. No, we're not talking about people reusing their costumes here. Costumes can be expensive things so reusing them every now and then is not really a bad thing. I don't mind, say, seeing that hot Tifa cosplayer from the Animax WCG Championships last year again and again. I'm not talking about cosplayers using recycled materials too. That's actually creative and done properly, it can even make the cosplay even more appealing. Remember that Jenova cosplay where they used painted electrical conduits for Big J's wiring? That was cool.

What I'm talking about are unintentional Earth Day advocates who went a bit too far by wearing what looks like something that's up for recycling and call it cosplay. It's all good, actually, if you're cosplaying the Taong Grasa look, or Oscar the Grouch (provided youre hairy enough and you have green hair). When you see these people, you just get moved by pity and reach into your pocket for spare change.

These stereotypes also often rival Axe Gang members in terms of having a strong aura of "courage". And by "courage" I mean the scent of rotting Payatas-grade garbage. Like, if you really need to use cardboard for your cosplay, you don't have to use a box that had already been used as a garbage bin for dog shit. Really. I'm sure the trees won't mind if you use something more hygienic.

#2 Circles Can't Be Squares Cosplayers

Remember that Batman movie where the actor portraying Batman isn't actually bodybuilt like somebody who can actually snap a thug in two? And then he had to resort to wearing plastic armor with fake nipples to look the part? Well actually that's almost all Batman movies save for Christian Bale's.

Our next stereotypes are the people who are like the actors, minus the plastic armor. The result? A very emaciated Batman who looks like more in need of calories than crime fighting opportunities. Let's face it. Anime male characters are either skinny thin or ripped as hell. Take Archer for example. He's ripped as fuck. Cosplayers on the otherhand are either overweight or malnourished. Sadly, workout and proper diet seems to very rarely fall in with the costume preparations phase of cosplaying nowadays, so we end up with awkwardly placed cosplays of macho characters by very skinny people.

It's like seeing the food shortage take effect long before it really became an issue.

Actually workout and diet shouldn't be too necessary if you follow one cardinal rule: DON'T COSPLAY SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE YOUR BODYFRAME. Simple. Easy. Of course, you can always go bodybuild if you need some muscles, but that's something easier said than done (this coming from somebody whose hobby is to type long articles about bad cosplays in front of a pc)

[Okay this article is becoming too long. I'll stop now first and just post the #1 later. Feel free to convince me what #1 should be until then]

Lid Goes Boom

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I consider myself as a reasonable man when I'm serious. Like if there's something I don't know, I tell people I'm half-sure. And when I say something with conviction, it's because I'm betting my credibility on it, not just because I just want to look intelligent. What's the use of acting smart today and have everybody realize you were just bluffing the next anyway? Results are remembered more, so I'll focus on that.

When I argue, I'm all for people proving me wrong, because then, I'd have learned of something better than what I already know. It's not in me to oneup every person who contests my opinion. I just want a fair exchange of pros and cons. I'm at a point where I don't need to prove anything - HS and college were more than enough. If it looks contrary to that, sorry, I'm a geek. Geeks don't have room for honorifics. Whatever works, works. Whatever doesn't, shit happens.

As for work, people should try to recognize everybody's effort in contributing to the result. If something goes wrong, solve the problem first, then think of what went wrong. Opinions about things should be saved for post mortems. By then the only things considered should be the what's and why's, as much as possible, not the who's.

Unless you know more than half what another person is doing, kindly shut the fuck up and read a book or two before you give out your take on things. Working in the field of IT requires a high tolerance for ignorance. That much I've learned to live with, but tolerance doesn't make it any less annoying - it just prevents you from getting charged with homicide.

Keep an open mind. You'd be amazed how easily things will enter open empty spaces. (light for blackholes, squatters for reclamation areas, ideas for your brain)

And no, I did not intend this to be a funny one. I just had to get this out of my system before I sleep and pretend today never happened. Or yesterday. And maybe last week too.

picture somewhat related.

I know, it's gross. That red long sleeves with gold dragon embroidery is just wrong.

Tits and Roses

Monday, April 21, 2008

I bet one reason men never have debuts is that if they would have one, there'd be a segment called 18 tits. But 18 tits would only be, like, 9 women, so the debutant will be sad because girls get 18 roses and he gets only half the count.

I don't even get why us men are always crazy in getting tits - and why very few of us ever get any. Those things outnumber us two to one.

Meanwhile, homosexual molesters in public trains are about one in every thousand but it seems like there's one every time I ride the fucking MRT.

Speaking of molesters, why is it that everytime there's a TV report on an apprehended rapist/attempting rapist, he gets beaten up by everybody else inside the jail cell? It's like everybody inside never did something as horrible - like murdering his own family or something.

Here's an idea for our jails. Why not teach those guys english and let them become callcenter agents? I bet if there are people who'd handle anger better, it's those guys. They'd just hit the pause button, stand up, get something really hard - and then kill whoever's nearby. That's like two birds with one stone right there. Prisoner population control AND additional income.

Speaking of population control, instead of promoting safe sex, why don't the government just promote masturbation? It's like the safer, more efficient, faster alternative to sex. The government can stop handing out pamphlets on condoms and just give out kleenex boxes with the picture of a Viva Hotbabe on the side. I bet that'd satisfy a lot of people.

Now that we're on the subject of tissue, ever thought of that hell is like? I'm not really sure bit I think it may involve having a bad case of the shits in a public place and finding out that the tissue roll is empty. That'd be a bitch.

But you know what'd be more of a bitch? Like if a friend of yours takes an unexpected duke, go to the cubicle beside his and everytime his chocolate log hits the water, go play the Final Fantasy victory song (or the 20th Century Fox logo theme, whichever he can relate to) I bet that'd suck.

But then again you'd smell like his turdbabies too, so it's double suck.

Ever thought about what happens to the shit of people inside a submarine? Like it'd get release where there's really high pressure so the turd will shrink to a very small size - maybe enough to pass through a filter. And then you think about drinking from the faucet - you could be drinking an Ensign's compacted dinocrap.

Okay I think i can stop now, unless of course I can make a joke in less than 30 seconds about the Tyrannosaur's stubby arms.

Shit I can't.

Crisis Core

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I've finally finished the game tonight. This post will obviously contain spoilers about Final Fantasy 7 and Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core. If you can't relate or don't want to be spoiled, come back next week for my new posts.

[start spoilers. start running if you're against spoilers]

I played Crisis Core because of two things. One, I wanted to see the FF7 world remodeled as a playable environment minus the popeye- looking figures and the blurry shit fixed backgrounds. Two, let's be honest here, that whole "Sephiroth goes crazy, Cloud goes gay enough for Zack and steals his life" fiasco was just too vague to be worth the twist value. That part just had to be cleared up.

For the first objective, I think I got what I wanted. Several times I was going "HOLY SHIT THIS THING DIDN'T LOOK THIS GOOD 10 YEARS AGO!" I was referring Aerith's hotter (i.e. not a polygonal sack of shit) body most of the time when I use that phrase, but also among other things - like the Shinra building. As an added bonus, seeing Square add some "lol here's what it was before" elements like a young Yuffie and a man planning to open the Seventh Heaven bar makes the atmosphere of CCore very nostalgic. Also, Aerith. Did I say Aerith? Yeah, I thought I said sexy Turk. (fuck you square:enix for exploiting the fanboy in me)

As for the second objective, as Cloud was only pretending to be Zack in FF7, like many pretenders on the internet, details get lost or convoluted. Crisis Core was a very good way of telling the story from Zack's perspective (i.e. sans Cloud's bullshit haxxor story to impress Tifa and make her go to bed with him). Speaking of Cloud, this game proves he was a douche, even before FF7 started. I won't be spoiling much, not that there's much to spoil since we all know what happened to Zack (became a footnote in history) and what happened to Cloud (became the videogame cosplay character equivalent of Naruto).

The add-on characters were, I don't know, obviously geared to the newer set of fans that FF7 never had 10 years ago - fangirls and fanfags. The result? Genesis. The emo-poet counterpart of goth Sephiroth. So yeah, there were lots of scenes where goth and emo were pitted against one another. I felt I was the only one who lost by watching those two. Why is Genesis so retarded anyway? LOVELESS was like half a page of poetry long and he kept on quoting it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. He barely gets long exposures and I still get tired of his dialog. No wonder everybody secretly wanted him dead.

In keeping with fanservice, lots of gay innuendos were provided for the yaoi lovers. I was half expecting the director to force Cloud to drown just so Zack can mouth-to-mouth him or something. I'm not saying it should have happened. I'm just saying if it did, I wouldn't be half surprised. For the straight guys, to see Aeris actually hot and not like an old hag is already a good service. Cisnnei and her inevitable swimsuit scene was a good plus too. Tifa looked like shit, which is kinda nice. She's had her turn in Advent Children - and she's probably the only good thing to ever come out of that eyecandy bullshit.

Gameplay was kept really light. It's like a poor-man's RPG with very minimal customization and quest running requirements - perfect for a game you'd most likely be playing on the go (or while sneaking away from office work, like me) Crisis Core is relatively easy and short but with enough frustrating challenges becoming of its original game. On a more minor note, what the fuck is up with those Wutai Troops and their death missiles? They're not missiles and I still don't get why, in the world of RPG, a single bullet would ever kill a hero. Ludicrous.

So okay, the additional elements to the story gave further flesh to the main plot. Nostalgia got me playing this game until I finished it a couple of days later. I'll even forgive the fact that they included emo poetry in the game. Many years in the future our kids will say "Oh that's so 2000's!" I wont lie when I say I enjoyed the game. I say it's canon-worthy. That much I'll admit, but fuck it. Advent Children is still a cock shoved down any fanboy's mouth - and I won't accept it as something that really happened after FF7 main.

And I still won't play Dirge of Cerberus. Fuck Vincent Valentine.

Last Page

Thursday, April 17, 2008

One day, people will finally stop using books. They will all turn to something else to get their knowledge, be it computers, the internet, and those fancy spinal taps from the matrix. The books will be discarded, disowned, they shall lie on the ground to rot, and people will soon forget what they were supposed to be for. Children will walk around them and never think they were once a vital pillar of the civilization. And perhaps, long after the books have decayed, a citizen will wonder and finally figure things out.

"Oh, so that's how all those people who lived by making fancy laced bookmarks starved to death!"

A Nerd's Survival Guide: The Beach

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

So you've finally gotten the chance to go to the beach with a couple of friends. A real beach, not com_beach02 map of the "jorlax" server of your latest MMORPG. A real beach with real sand, real waves, and real people. No man-eating crabs in sight. Cool, but let me ask you. Are. You. Prepared? No? That's okay. Here are a few tips to get you prepped for the sandy paradise you're headed off to.

- Going to the beach will not guarantee that all women there want to have sex with you (or any at all, for that matter). That Axe commercial was a lie. San Miguel was just shitting your pants too. You're not sexy even with a body spray/beer. It's best to act accordingly.

- Your email/chat/blog can wait. You may not believe it but you can actually live WITHOUT internet. Yes, for days and weeks on end. That 3242304924th episode of Bleach/Naruto/StarTrek/Whatever can wait. Naruto won't die. Don't worry.

- Bringing laptops to the beachside is not cool. It doesn't show you're successful. It shows you have a weird concept of work/play. If it's just to play mp3s, there ARE smaller players around. They've been existing since the late 90s, I'm sure you can secure one with your large budget for gadgets.

- Acting out your favorite "godzilla coming out of the water" is not funny or cool. Yes, even if you're covered in algae. It's just gross (although it might do your skin wonders, it will definitely kill your social life). If you havent thought of that, I have. I'm telling you just in case you think of the same thing.

- Beaches and alcohol go together like anal sex and lube. It's hard to go with one and do away with the other. Possible, but not as pleasant. Make sure you know your limit. The beach is a big place and there are a lot of things to do to people who get fuckwasted. You don't want to wake up on a raft halfway to Sorsogon. Trust me. (there's nothing to see in Sorsogon)

- Sunburns are not cool. Skin cancer too. Always bring with you a bottle of intensive sunblock. Apply just enough to keep you from becoming the gingerbread man after going to the oven. Apply too much and you'd look like Powder. Not cool. Be prepared to offer the sunblock (and applying sunblock) to all girls. Do NOT offer to guys. That's gay. If you need to know how to apply sunblock on other people, practice with your leg. I don't know why it has to be your leg. Thinking about it makes me laugh. Just do it.

- If you can, learn how to swim. Nothing's sexier than a man saving a drowning woman, unless you're the reason she's intentionally drowning in the first place. In which case it's not sexy. It's criminal. If ever she dies, do NOT bury her and build a sandcastle on top. It's not a funny joke - even by nerd standards.

- Related to the previous tip, don't drown. Drowning guys are totally not cool. And no, you cannot summon sea creatures to do your bidding with your shrilled voice. Also, Aquaman sucks.

- Know your allergies and if you do have them, have meds ready anywhere you go. The last thing your friends want is some guy convulsing in the middle of a deserted island because he ate grilled squid. If I were one of those guys, I'd leave you there to become Tom Hanks.

- Learn how to eat without a spoon and fork, knives, chopsticks whatever. Learn to use your hands like the caveman your ancestors once were. Knowing how to eat fish is also a plus. Knowing how to eat fish raw would be awesome and gross in a way.

- It's cool to get henna tattoos. Just try to pick a less incriminating design (i.e. anything that will ward off quality poon from 100 meters away, see sample picture below)

Dignity, exit stage left.

- My last pointer is perhaps the most important one. Be yourself, but don't close up to new ideas that weren't included in the lastest issue of Popular Mechanics. You'd be surprised how much shit you still don't know, like what a rimjob is. Some things you can learn from books, others, you learn while half-tanked in alcohol crawling your way to the shoreline to vomit your guts out.

Happy Beach Trippin'

Eye To Eye

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Does anybody still remember Eye To Eye and Inday Badiday? God rest her soul but that show was just horrible - to me as a kid anyway. If I recall correctly it was some sort of a showbiz talkshow, but it had this huge eye symbol sitting behind the big newsdesk where sunk-eyed Ate Ludz sat - less becoming of a talkshow and more like the command post of an evil doomsday cult.


No, it had nothing to do with the fact I also watched shows like Shaider as a kid.


Okay, maybe. But just a bit.

Anyway, at some portion of the show there's this segment called "mata ng bayan" which is basically the lost and found for children and old people, who I could not understand back then why they would get lost. Adults aren't supposed to get lost, I thought. Getting lost is a kid thing.

And then I saw some homeless people who I thought just couldn't find their house.

Oh so that's where they get those people for Mata ng Bayan!

If a kid is reported missing, a description is given and read out by Inday Badiday. The descriptions are insane of course and is about as generic as it gets. "Si totoy po ay huling nakita sa may Metro Manila. Nakashorts na pula at may sandong puti. Sya ay sampung taong gulang." God forbid you'd be wearing the same clothes that day or you just might end up getting returned to people you don't even know.

Speaking of which.

If a kid's the one that gets found, the kid is usually taken to the studio and is placed beside Ate Ludz. She will then begin interrogating the kid.

Give me a sec.

My heart is pounding fast. Sorry, I get really scared easily when recalling horrible memories.

*inhale/exhale* Okay.

Inday Badiday will ask the kid "Hijo, kilala mo ba ako?" (as if to check if the kid still has his memory intact). The kid will try to muster up courage to answer to somebody would easily qualify as one of the weekly monsters from Shaider (hey, I was a kid back then. Back off).

But them sometimes the kid couldn't answer.

And Inday Badiday will turn from mildmannered anchor to "interrogator" mode. I think the legal term for it as I later learned was "badgering".

"Sino ako?" The kid wouldn't answer. "Sino ako!?" she asks again in a hoarse voice.

(not actual guest kid. costume not included)

Before you know it the kid is just broken, and Eye to Eye has gone into commercial. Afterwhich I can only imagine the worst for the kid. And no, for the last time, damn it. It had nothing to do with Shaider. I could've sworn one time after the kid disappeared and the commercial was through there were traces of the kid's flesh on Inday Badiday's mouth.

It was like watching Jeopardy, except the contestant is a kid and he'd get eaten if he can't answer properly.

When I was younger I didn't venture outside of our house much because I was scared of being lost.

I was scared of being lost AND being found by Inday Badiday.

When your imagination is twice as active, childhood's almost always twice as horrifying.

Friends Don't Let Friends Share Apps

Monday, April 14, 2008

alternative title: if in case you were one of the people who've invited me to use a friendster app, fuck you sir.

First things first. Normally, I try to avoid discussing the same thing that's already been discussed on the blogs of my friends. This topic has already been discussed by Conejo, but like detracting retarded advocacies of Creationism, some things just can't be discussed enough.

The short version of this post is this:

Friendster Apps are stupid. Stop using them. If you cannot do that, stop encouraging others to follow suit.

You know, I really liked the concept of Friendster. I really do. It's like the whitepages of the modern day Filipino, and I can't begin to count the number of friends I've managed to get reconnected with through that site. But then again, internet happened. And like everything good on the net it just has to get whored out at some point. By whored out, for this case, I mean, filled with massive chunks of retardation-inducing material (profiles, apps, others)

I'm really not sure why a profile has to be filled with chunks of miniprograms (widgets, but let's not discuss that again) that shove music, video, flash, and just about anything that can be considered as the electronic equivalent of a surprise warm jizz splashing on the viewer's face.

Whatever happened to the common courtesy of giving links to the guy who you'd think might be interested in what you found interesting? Say if for example, singing cartoon monkeys is your thing, it's not mine. I DONT NEED TO SEE IT so if I want to, I'll just click a link that you give me. Simple, right?

And maybe if they're really useful, I'd appreciate it. Like cats in nature though, apps prove that a large chunk of internet data don't really have a purpose. Here's a sample of these so called "apps":

Bored, Happy, Glum? We've got an ever growing list of emoticons to show off how you feel. We keep adding them, so check back all the time =).Show off how you feel with a billion icons. It's your status message on steroids!

Last time I checked, we had the English language to convey emotions over media like webpages. Enjoy your billion icons, assholes. I'd rather have a fastloading page.

Then as if it can't get worse, now apps have become contagious. You can now share apps in pretty much the same way friends used to share venereal disease during the 70s - freespirited exchanges. Now thanks to this feature, I'm tad bit busier by adding "Delete friend app email" from my inbox as a semi-daily task. You guys are wasting my life away.

That's partial murder already.

Are you a murderer? No?

Then stop sending me App invitations.

Thank you.

More Stuff I Want To Do Before I Die

Friday, April 11, 2008

I'd like to take the time to add something to the stuff I want to do before I die. I want to own a horse. I want to be able to ride it around Manila and after I want to get hungry, I want to be able to do this:

If a car behind me tries to push the line by honking I'd have the horse take a crap on the hood of his civic (I assume the typical asshole's car is a civic) and give him a takeout happy meal he'd never forget. By happy meal, I mean a heap of steaming horse shit. Now if only they can make those horse saddles with cup holders...

On another note, I bet it'd be really charming to do anything on horseback. Running the red light. Parking in a mall. Hell, I can probably even pickup hookers in QAve and still look goddamn gentry about it. "Pray I ask for fornication services, madame?"

Maybe that's the solution to our problems. We need more horses on the street. Less carbon footprints and less streetpeople, because who would want to wander aimlessly on the streets if they're filled with horse crap? (answer: not me)

Yeah, you're probably thinking, that'll be the day. You know what? Fuck you. I'll do this. After I do, I'll post pictures here. Or you'll probably just hear about it on primetime news. And then I'll go to your house to talk things over - but only so my horse can take a shit on your doorstep.

Because that's how gentlemen roll.

Nothing to Static About

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Last night, my home PC crashed, trapping along with it the ideas for the next articles for this blog along with vast amounts of quality pornography Human Interest Films. So now that I have nothing else to talk about, I might as well post an update on my personals. (powertip: you can actually skip this post and not miss anything much)

The stock market is still gloomy as hell. This pic, I took just before writing this sentence. If you're not much into graphs or just numbers illiterate, red is bad. Since I'm no short-term trader (I can't devote too much time anymore since I have work) it's really hard to profit from this kind of environment. Fuck you America and fuck your unpaid homes. God bless America's subprime problem. I'm thinking of pulling out and finding some other place where I can profit until the market stabilizes first quarter next year, like floodwater levels - those never seem to go down. I just have to find a market that will buy turbid water. Stock market crash-wishers, you just might be finally getting your wetdream realized (yes I'm talking to you, Anna).

As for the standup comedy bit, after skipping out on the last comedy workshop last January, I haven't heard of anything from the scene. I wasn't able to visit Jami's TOC last time I was in HK due to lack of budget after overspending a bit on anime figurines. I'm still working on my routines ever now and then (i.e. during monday morning showers). I haven't given up.

For writing projects, I'm four chapters in on a long-term novel that's also being written as a screenplay for Fish! As for it's release, I'm still thinking if I should do a staggered release on some messageboard again or just wait for the entire thing to finish at around 40,000 words. I've completed another plot too, reserved for some future need for plots that dont involve killing the president of this country. I also have one short story in the works, I'll probably finish it next week, when I'm not feeling so turdy. Still accepting GCA works for criticisms, but not at the moment (see first sentence of post)

As for work? I'd rather not talk about it. Let's talk about something else. Like potato wedges. Potato wedges are cool, aren't they?

That's about it. Any questions?

Awesome Names

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I stumbled yet another awesome surname the other day. There was this guy who has "Man" for a surname. Man. That's already a pool infinite possibilities for first names right there. If I were a guy who has that surname, I wouldn't even spend five minutes naming names for 300 children (I wouldn't mind having that many children if I had such an awesome surname)

Think about it. You can create an entire justice league's worth of hero names without even breaking a sweat. Sure, one of your kids would have to hate you for naming him "Aqua" and having him become the kid who always gets left behind because he's utterly useless (as his name suggests anyway) but still!

And if you want your kid to be somewhat more pimptastic, name him "My Main". People will go "What's up, my main man?" treating him like a hood hero of sorts.

Hell I don't even have to change my name. If I change my surname into "Man" I'd be JetMan. That's sentai already and I'm not even trying yet.

Surnames aren't created equally, and surnames like "Man" are the 8-inch penis equivalent in the world of surnames.

Man. Hell yeah.

The Wrong Kind of Lazy

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Here's one common phenomenon I'll never really get. Why do people who go to malls on cars insist on waiting for parking slots near the entrance, even when there are other parking slots available a few meters farther than what they want?

They'd say they don't want to walk too far - okay, that's a good, lazy reason. I actually accept it, since I probably would use that same reason for something else and consider it sensible, me being the advocate of non-practicing artisanship.

But then again, after they do get their their parking slot near the mall entrance, what do these lazy people do? They spend an entire day inside the mall WALKING no, WANDERING aimlessly, without even buying enough items to justify the insane amounts of walking. They'd probably get a 2km pedometer (distance measurement, you perv) reading easy by just walking around a mall like Mall of Asia. Suddenly the 10 meters extension walking from the goddamn back lot of the mall is hardly even noticeable.

Meanwhile, while waiting for a parking slot, these assholes are burning up fuel and turn the mall entrance into a fume-based fantasyland. One car I saw this evening even had a "save the environment" sticker on, for a reason I assume, that is related to spiting any environmentalist who sees it (good thing I'm not). I sometimes wonder why carbon monoxide won't just kill these wait-tards inside their cars.

I don't mind being lazy, as long as it's in place. (and as long as it's just me being lazy) But being lazy while defeating your own purpose of saving up on something by being lazy is just ignant. If you're lazy, you're already a failure. The least you can do is not fail in being lazy.


Much Ado About Nothing

.ʇɐɥʇ ǝʞı1 snoı11ǝqǝɹ ɯ,ı ǝsnɐɔǝq 'ʎʇıʌɐɹb ʇsuıɐbɐ buıob sʇsod ʎɯ ɟo ǝuo ǝǝs oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇsnظ ı .ʇsod oʇ buıʇsǝɹǝʇuı buıɥʇʎuɐ ǝʌɐɥ ʎ11ɐǝɹ ʇ,uop ı ʎ11ɐnʇɔɐ

A Piece Of The Sky

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Earlier I saw a kid standing with a bottle smeared with rugby in hand. What's in your hand I asked. It's a piece of the sky he replied. I do not think that's a piece of the sky, said I. The sky's up there and it cannot be taken out. The boy tried to reach for the sky, but in vain. Do you have happiness in your heart then, he asked me. I smiled and said I did. Nobody ever says they are happy the moment they are happy, the boy said while shaking the bottle. People will say they were happy but not during the time they were supposed to be happy. And why is that, I asked. Because happiness is a memory of the past and it cannot be taken out. What you have inside your heart is no more than what I have in my hand. If yours is happiness, then mine is the sky. I cried after hearing that, and spent the rest of the day sniffing rugby with the kid. And the kid turned out to be a leprechaun. His name is Pip, and he has with him a piece of the sky.

Some days.

Living The Rock Life Early

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

So I was just surfing YouTube to pass some time earlier when I stumbled upon a hardcore 7 year old guitarist kid. I thought it was awesome, and then I saw a six year old guitarist rocking it out. Several links and vids later, I arrived at this vid, which is probably the youngest I've seen yet (that actually sounds like an adult playing):

Two years old. Two. The kid on the vid cant even goddamn count his age using his fingers, but he does know how to do a peace sign (DOH!). Does the rock life start out this early now? It seems every year prodigy players appearing on youTube are getting younger and younger. I won't be surprised anymore if one day I see news about bands breaking up because of preschool, three year old vocalists sucumbing to cocaine, and five-year old fathers losing out on child custody to their two-year old ex-groupies.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of the world, a 24-year old not-so-prodigy piano player is still waiting for epiphany to hit him in the face and maybe smear him with just a hint of musical talent. :(

Long Bond Paper Sucks

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

What the hell is a long bond paper and why do we have to use it? Did some asshole secretary decide one day that the short bond paper was just not cutting it quite enough in terms of storage space? What's an additional paragraph anyway? It's not like an additional 2 inches gave the goddamn paper exponentially more space. This ain't computer hardware. We're talking about grounded up tree corpses here.

Back during my elementary days, a teacher who asked her students to use long bond paper was definitely a teacher who I could not possibly get along with. I can only assume she's an environment hater, or at least, by using a longer piece of paper, she can show to the world she hates trees slightly more than everyone else.

All my envelopes and folders are letter sized (short), and as much as possible I only use letter sized bond paper, on the account that the shorter the paper you are using, the easier it will be to NOT CRUMPLE THE PAPER LIKE ITS GARBAGE.

In this day and age, usage of long bond paper should be all but eradicated. Think about it. When was the last time you _absoultely_ had to use something longer than a short bond paper for something other than obnoxious teachers trying to preserve the lazy tradition of not having to switch typewriting paper slightly a bit longer by using extended paper on their typewriters? That's what it's all about anyway right? RIGHT ASSHOLES?


Okay, I was supposed to write about Pepsi, but I saw a long bond paper beside my computer, so there.

Maaan, I still hate Pepsi.

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