Thursday, December 13, 2012

Before the Europeans arrived in continental America, there was already a bustling civilization of Aztecs, Incas, and Indians there. What happened though is that when the Europeans arrived, they carried with them smallpox, a disease that is commonplace in Europe but unheard of in America. The Europeans were affected by it, but multigenerational exposure to it has minimized the fatality percentage on their population. The Americans, the real Americans, did not have such an advantage. It was new, their bodies quite literally didn't know what hit them. The population nearly got wiped out in what could be a worse percentage toll than the bubonic plague.

Why am I mentioning this? It's almost like the same thing with Windows and Mac users. Once upon a time Mac users were a niched minority and very few took interest in targeting them with viruses and malware. Fast forward to this year, there are now much much more Mac users than ever before and more and more virus writers and malware producers are targeting the Mac. Some of the types written for Mac are actually just ported versions of PC viruses and malware. While the PC counterparts still exist, people are very much wary of them now, and with the abundance of AV software and just a general distrust for pretty much most vectors of viruses, the damage is much more limited.

On the Mac however, it's quite the opposite. With the years of reinforcement of the idea that the Mac cannot get any virus, most of the userbase is the perfect new target for old viruses. Nobody's defending, nobody's wary and we just might be looking at the smallpox phenomenon all over again.

Too early to tell? Who knows?

How to Level Up in Ingress

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

So I've been playing this game called Ingress for a couple of days now. It's an augmented reality game by google that lets two factions fight over fictional portals that appear in local landmarks (Intramuros, Rizal park, etc) using energy called XM gathered from places where there are lots of people. It's currently in closed beta but soon it will be open for everybody.  Here are a few things that I've learned:

1. Portal requests take a while, 2-3 weeks, and even then, Google can reject submissions just because.

2. There are portals around already. The quickest way to find them is to use the dashboard at

3. The stronger the portal, the harder it is for lower level characters to occupy it. Leveling is key.

4. You level by doing actions, constituting action points.  Here are the levels available so far and what they mean as far as stats are concerned:

Level AP required Max XM Burster Damage Burster Range Resonator HP Best Build Portal Portal Range
1 0 3000 150 50 1000 1 160 m
2 10,000 4000 300 75 1500 1.5 810 m
3 30,000 5000 500 100 2000 2.5 6 km
4 70,000 6000 900 125 2500 3.5 24 km
5 150,000 7000 1200 150 3000 4.0 40 km
6 300,000 8000 1500 200 4000 4.75 81 km
7 600,000 9000 1800 300 5000 5.125 110 km
8 1,200,000 10000 2700 400 6000 5.625 160 km

And here are the ingress actions and their respective action points:


Placing a resonator 125 AP

Destroying a resonator 75 AP

Placing the first resonator on a portal 500 AP

Placing the eighth resonator on a portal 250 AP

Creating a link 313 AP

Destroying a link 187 AP

Creating a control field 1250 AP

Destroying a control field 750 AP

Applying a portal shield 150 AP


Placing the final link on a field 1563 AP

Destroying a [full] portal 600 AP

Destroying a portal + (1) link 787 AP

Destroying a portal + (2) links + control field 1724 AP

Destroying a portal + links + cf + capture + mods

 When you're new, linking and recharging resonators is the best way to level. If you're lucky enough to find undiscovered portals, go for it. Items can be found by hacking occupied portals.

That said, good luck and happy gaming!


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

If I were to go back to all those stuff I worried about in my youth, I'd be laughing instead of worrying.
Because I know that there are far more important things that actually matter in the long run.

If I were to go back to all those opportunities I found as unnecessary, I'd take them.
Because I realize that some things only happen but once and can't be relived over again.

If I were to go back to all those moments that I thought were unspecial, with people I always see, I'd treasure them more
Because I realize that those moments happen but once, afterwhich they can only be remembered

If I were to go back to all those fights that I thought I had nothing to lose, I'd patch them up as fast as Ican
Because I realize that the wounds get harder to heal as time goes on. 

If I were to go back to all those times I loved, I'd love even more
Because there's no such thing as enough when it comes to being passionate and sincere.

But I can no longer go back. Not you. Not anybody.

That's why it's important to look forward with the intention of looking back.

From this moment on I will live like I'm already from the future, gone back, and given the second chance to do things over.

That someday I will look behind and think about all those things that I've done, and  I can smile.

Because I've realized.

Where's mah money?

Monday, November 26, 2012

So last week I tried for the first time to issue a cheque to myself. Long story why. Anyway it turned out that my account had been marked as dormant. Apparently banks like to keep your money but not so much. If they find out the account is no longer being transacted on they start pinching money from it bit by bit like fish on a lake nibbling on a dumped corpse.

Yes I'm working on my analogies.

Anyway if you got a dormant account you can't deposit, you can't withdraw, and you can't issue cheques from it. You can't undormant a dormant account. It's still your money but you can only look at it. At least until you go to the main branch and tell the manager there that no, the mob did not rub you off for bad payments and yes,  you are alive enough to withdraw.

So that's what I did.

Lo and behold  the place where my branch stood was now a vacant lot. Many WTFs were had this morning.

So I went to another branch just to check what happened. It did not help that the branch name is BPI Sherwood.

Yes. The king of thieves forest.

Anyway turns out that I wasn't the only one who realized that analogy because the branch relocated to another place near the old place but far enough from corny robin hood jokes.

So I wasnt able to reactivate my account today. It will have to stay dormant fir a while longer. At least until I can figure out how to convince the sheriff of Nottingham that I'm alive and out of corny references.

Gregorian My Ass

Friday, November 23, 2012

Gregorian Chant albums have the most misleading covers. Whereas you'd be expecting a hard-rocking epic doom choir to herald the Ghost of Christmas Post-Apocalyptic Future from the illustration, you'll actually get 50 minutes of men singing in falsetto to the tune of songs like "Kiss from A Rose" and "My Heart Will Go On". That'd be like watching a DVD with an Expendables cover and an Eat Pray Love content.  
On a related note, I once entered a strip club that made women dance to Gregorian Chant songs.  It blew my mind. I wonder if Pope Gregory had this in mind when he first thought a bunch of guys singing together in unison would be pretty badass.

Rufo's Famous Tapa Vito Cruz Delivery Number

Saturday, November 17, 2012

5220936 You're welcome.

E-Abandonment Issues

Friday, November 16, 2012

Why are people so upset when their phones have new models released in the market "too soon"? Um, hello, sir. Your phone won't stop working suddenly when it realizes it's not the newest bitching product around. If that were the case, we'd probably be treating phone releases like the second coming. Phones will be flying left and right overnight, not because that last phrase makes sense, but because fuck  you that's why.

And if the manufacturer suddenly decides to stop upgrading your OS, your OS won't suddenly die from lack of attention. It's a phone, not a three year old child. By comparison, the S40 has been around since the advent of the 5110. If Magellan had a phone it'd probably have used the same OS. It's still perfectly find today and you can still find shady Armenian yahoo groups supporting cracked Bantumi games for S40 handsets .

Do you go "Hold on! Don't release the November issue of FHM yet! I still have the October issue and it's still perfectly readable!" every time a new magazine serial hits the stand? Because that's what it sounds like when your GS3 is suddenly made obsolete by the GS4.  Listen, the companies don't need your opinion on how long their flagship model phone should stay flagship. If they decide to switch flagship models faster than the CEO's switch trophy hooker-ish GFs, tough shit.

If any it's better for the lot of us. The faster the models get changed, the faster the older ones depreciate, and before long, even Joe Fishball has a quadcore five inch phone that can compute the tax for half of Metro Manila in two minutes.

Oh, there you go. Another update from your favorite phone maker:

Fuck you. The world's not going to wait for you to get sick of your phone. 

Back to normal programming.

Working and Commuting in McKinley Hill (Part 2)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It's been a year and a half since I last wrote about McKinley Hill. If you don't really have enough time to read back or even read this column, the bottomline is still it still sucks wide-open, gaping ass. Here are some of the new updates:

1. There are traffic lights now at the Lawton Entrance. The traffic lights, however serve little than to ensure that there is a traffic jam in the place 24/7. You could exit from McKinley Hill at 3pm or 12am and you'd still encounter the same level of traffic as you would at 7pm in the evening on a particularly crowded payday. The lights do have a countdown mechanism but the countdown clock is covered by trees when approaching from BGC.

2. Pay parking has increased from 50 pesos per 12 hours as of writing to 60 last year, and finally, to 10 pesos PER HOUR starting November 17. That's a hundred and forty percent increase in rates in the span of two years. In another two years, you will be required to surrender your kidney just to pay for the ridiculous parking rates (where are we, Makati CBD?!).

3. Speaking of parking, it is well worth noting as well that two more outdoor parking lots have been demolished, ensuring that everybody crams into the increasingly crowded sole parking lot building in the entire province . The place fills up to the sixth floor as early as 10:30am. Most of the lower levels are still reserved for the elite few (who, for some reason, never really use the slots)

4. The aforementioned demolished parking lots are now immense cavities in the ground that fill up with rainwater during storms, and turn into putrid cauldrons of untreated swamp water in the following weeks, ensuring a uniform smell of depressing decay from Enderun to One World Square.

5. In lighter news, there's now cheaper food alternatives squeezed in between Two and Three World Square. The squeezing part is quite literal, with the place congested and unventilated, as though the inclusion of a slipshod food court there was more of an afterthought than a real consideration of officeworker needs. As proof, just visit the place when it rains. The place is not even 5 months old and it's already leaking harder than Joey Marquez after a drinking bout in AirForceOne. Even by Megaworld standards, that very shitty work right there.

6. For the commuters, the ticketing system issued by the sole operating bus company was at one point extended to illegal uninsured colorum vans and FXs. It's actually an interesting development because reality is, there's just not enough buses to cover the influx and outflux of people during peak hours. Sure, it's illegal and sure, the conditions inside the vans is below par but at least its faster. But if there's anything you can count on McKinley Hill, it's to bust anything good for the commuter. Starting this month, the ticketing system is now exclusively for the elusive buses. If you're using the colorum transports, you're paying 25 pesos, which is 5 pesos more expensive than the buses. So if you hoarded up on the tickets, tough luck.

7. Still no church, drugstore, clinic, or grocery. But that's already a given at this point. Who needs those anyway?

8. The building are starting to show signs of wear and tear and terrible maintenance work. Our office building is no more than 5 years old, yet the pantry walls are practically crumbling from the leaks that are seeping into it from a combined effort from rainwater and drain water of the upper floors.

9. And the worst part of it all is that because companies are continually pouring into our little slice of paradise, the resources, be it food, transpo or pretty much anything else, are starting to get strained and there's very little effort (or even apparent effort) from the administration to address it. With the place looking like it's far from fully occupied, given the current trend, things can only get worse.

10. Speaking of worse, starting this year, the construction of McKinley Hill West has started, across Lawton Ave. Whatever congestion we're complaining about is set to double after another two years. If you're looking into staying here for a long time, you best watch out.

My point in preparing this list is that there are a lot of better places to work in, places where the workers aren't thought of as a problem to be solved or milked for chump change. McKinley Hill could've been so much more awesome than any of those places. But it's not. And the longer that it seems, the more apparent it is that there's no real effort for McKinley Hill to improve for workers and residents alike.

For shame, Megaworld.

When a developer refuses to acknowledge that things have to have development, that's just sad. 

You're No Better

Monday, November 12, 2012

Okay, let's get this out of the way. Senator Tito Sotto sucks bigtime. There's not much debate there. He lies to the public, meanders during tax-paid hours, and  steals in the form of plagiarism and God knows what else. His mustache doesn't help in the good-lord-he-looks-like-a-villain department. People want him out and never heard from again. But then again, wasn't that the same line we were wailing some 10 years ago on the eve of EDSA 2? What was that you said? You didn't vote for him? Well I didn't either. But he's still there. WE obviously didn't do enough to convince everybody else to NOT vote for him again. Democracy isn't just about having a say in something. It's also about freely exchanging your say in something. If you didn't do your part, you're partly to blame. So shut up already.

But that's that and this is this.

Bottomline is, Sotto is in the Senate and we want him out.

"He should act better than that! He's a senator!"

People are once again calling for him to resign for plagiarizing speeches and articles. On Facebook. Using posts/speeches that they probably just jacked from other people, who thanks to the wonders of technology, are automatically attributed to unless deliberately removed from the repost/share loop. We need to get the word out, even if they're not our words or words given to us first hand. Sotto's the criminal. We're the vanguards of integrity.

"He should act better than that! He's a senator!"

Just as a bit of introspection, can we say that to ourselves as well? We who tirelessly repost, retweet, reshare without ever a word of notice or gratitude to the original creator of content? Remember what Sotto said about the Kennedy speech? "I thought it was apt for the moment, so I used it." That's pretty much every reason ever for reposting cats in hats, quotes, and Jinri Park pictures all over the internet. And that's probably your reason as well.

When was the last time you wrote your own speech? Thought up your own quote? Shot your own picture for sharing to everybody that doesn't involve beer, group pics, and jump fucking shots? By comparison when was the last itme you shared something of similar content from somebody else? Do you even remember who actually originally authored the content? Instagram doesn't fucking count.

Face it. You're no better than Sotto. You suck just as much. It just so happens he's a senator and you're not. Which means, shitty as he is, he is still better at you at being shitty and actually thriving from the amount of crap tacked into his personality.

"But he's a senator! He should be better than us!"

Can you even begin to digest how pathetic that sounds? To actually admit that it's okay for somebody to be better than you for god knows what reason, not even in something like a skill, but in something as purely simple as virtuousness, as though having a smaller role in society entitles you to a lower moral baseline.


The only line I'll accept is that "I'm better than that tool of a senator. Which is why he should not be there. Because I can do a better job than that fucker." Something to that line. Because as far as morals and intentions are concerned, there's no reason you should not claim and actually be inferior to Senator Sotto.

Stealing to bring down a thief is just as ridiculous as the original offense.

You have your capabilities. Write your own content or ask for permission.

Be better than Sotto. Be above him.

Then maybe looking down on him might not sound so ridiculous.

Resident Evil 6 : No Main Menu?

Friday, November 02, 2012

Just an informative post. Normal posts will resume next week.

So I finally got around to play Resident Evil 6 last night. I was planning on playing it with my girlfriend but since she was still cooking dinner, I decided to just dick around with the main menu and whatever options are there.

Turns out that when you plug that disc in and the game starts rolling, there will be no main menu. You get thrown into the tutorial/prologue part, no questions asked. Okay maybe some questions regarding brightness etc, but no main menu.

Turns out it's not until you save that the menu appears, a good 15 minutes after the start of the game. What the hell Capcom.

As another tip, do NOT stop playing while going through the prologue. You will just start over again. Just keep playing until the start menu appears.

Next time you boot, you will be taken to the start menu automatically.

That said, happy gaming!

MRT Fare Hike Prevention

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Magtataas na daw ng pasahe sa MRT next year. Good news, mababawasan ang laman ng mga tren. Bad news, mababawasan din ang laman ng wallet. Dahil sa maraming maapektuhan, sinabi ni Rep. Teddy Casiño na baka may iba pang mga paraan para hindi na kailangan magtaas ng singil. Okay din yung mga mungkahi nya, pero parang kulang. Eto naman ang aking mga naisip.

Magbenta ng deodorant sa loob ng tren.

ra sa mga taong proactive, magbenta na rin ng lysol.

Ipasponsor ang bawat stasyon "Welcome to Buendia Putok-free Station. This station has been brought to you by CAA Nature's Touch Tawas. Kaisa-isang toothpaste. Tangal na ang tinga mo, tangal pa putok ng misis mo."

Lagyan ng multa ang pagpapatugtog gamit ang speakerphone ng telepono.

Patawan ng corkage yung mga taong mahilig kumain ng kung ano-ano sa loob ng tren. Doble kapag Boy Bawang ang nginunguya. Triple pag tumatalsik pa sa katabi yung corn "bits".

Gawing mas mura ang pasahe kapag off-peak operations. Gawing mahal pag rush hour.

Ipasponsor ang mga ticket card, preferrably ng mga alcoholic drinks tulad ng White Castle Whiskey para may design na seksing babae na nakasakay sa kabayo tulad ni Glydel Mercado (yung babae, hindi yung kabayo).

Imbes na laging nakaaircon, bigyan na lang ng tigigisang menthol candy ang mga pasahero, sponsored ng Maxx Honeylemon.

Lagyan ng laxative ang Maxx Honeylemon at lagyan ng 10 pesos na bayad ang CR sa loob ng istasyon. Hiwalay na bayad ang tissue paper.

Ipasagasa sa tren ang mga tao na mahilig umakap o sumandal sa mga handrails. (hindi ito revenue-generating, pero mas maeenganyo sumakay ang tao kung bawas ang k*pal na commuter)

Doblehin ang singil sa mga hindi bumababa sa Trinoma Station. Tawagin itong "manggugulang tax".

Magemploy ng mga batang namumunas ng sapatos sa loob ng mga tren. Pag pasko, caroling at tambol naman ang raket.

Kapag dumaan na ang last train, ipaarikla na ang riles sa mga push cart/trolley boys.

Kapag naman umaga, ikabit ang mga trolley sa likod ng mga tren gamit ang kadena at gawin itong open-air budget service/extreme sport, 5 piso ride-all-you-can, di kasama dito ang pamasahe papuntang Funeraria Jose.

Maglagay ng mga jailer, parang school fair lang. Every hour, may magaanounce "Jailers! Jail anybody wearing red!" Sampung piso ang piyansa.

Magbenta ng sure seats tickets na tig iisang daan isa. Dalawang ticket ang minimum pag masyadong malaki ang hita ng pasahero.

Gawing parentahan yung public announcement system. Bente pesos ang one-liner greetings. Singkwenta magrequest ng kanta. Isandaan sa gusto kumanta. Isanlibo at pitik sa kuyukot para sa gustong kumanta ng sintunado.

Sarcasm, Irony, Condescending

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Hi guys. Before the internet totally kills off what little literal value these words have, I'd like to put out a public service reminder to jackasses who think these three words are interchangeably usable on any funny situation, joke, or picture.

 It's called "sarcasm" when you say one thing and intend to mean the opposite. It's "irony" when something becomes opposite of its original intent. And finally, it's "condescending" when somebody who's in a better state makes note of a worse state.

Kinda like this post.

 "You're so beautiful today. I bet all the guys in school are already lining up just to catch a glimpse of your unbridled splendor."

"Apple repeatedly warned that it would "not stand for having our IP ripped off"

"You must be so good at discerning the difference of sarcasm, irony, and condescending. It's must've been such a long research. Please, educate us with your ideas."

 (The energy used to publish this post is powered 100% by the collective spinning of dead English grammar teachers in their graves)


Tuesday, October 02, 2012

What's the use in protesting online if the people who call the shots don't even know how to use the internet? Are we secretly hoping that the media will run out of stories to run and put a spotlight in our actions so people outside the wire will notice? If you want to protest, get a cabbage, then stab it with a rusty knife and leave it there. Put a label on the knife as "internet" and the cabbage as "you" then leave it on someone's doorstep. So there. 

I'm not making shit up

Monday, October 01, 2012

I'd be more understanding if we didn't have the internet. I'd be more understanding if we still live in an age when the answer to every question regarding unexplained mystery includes the word "keebler elves". But we're not. We have the fucking internet, where questions get answered faster than multiple choice exams when it's time to pass the paper.

Why do people still feel that the government needs to support every other "pinoy" invention that pops up online? Take the water car for example. It's like every other year, somebody rediscovers that once upon a time somebody tried to convince people that cars could run on water, fucking sir Newton and his laws of thermodynamics ass-end. The only reason, these people assert, that cars aren't being fueled by Wilkins refilling stations is that the government won't support the invention. And now foreign companies are buying the invention and they'll be running cars on water abroad while we're stuck with old diesel and Vina Morales demo tapes here in the Philippines.

Firstly, that somebody's name is Daniel Dingel.

Secondly, he's in jail.

Thirdly, the "foreign" company that bought his invention sent him there.

For Fraud.

Listen. The whole "the government wont support me" thing? It's just an excuse for failed inventions. It's not like the invention is a space ship, or a new dam design, or even a presidential hair growth formula. Those are the things that need government funding to bloom (see what I did there?) but we're talking about a water car here.

Do you think the guy who invented bread actually had to have government funding? Did the fleshlight receive grants from the Japanese Government? No. But they're popular already anyway. We're talking about a car that runs on fucking water. WATER. If you show people it works, people will throw money at you. Everybody would pay top dollar for a chance to get out of the oil corporation's orgy of price increases. A lot of people will want to invest on stuff that they think will be profitable to them. That's why we call it capitalism. Because when you get that much money being thrown at you, everything you say WILL BE IN CAPITAL.

If I had a wicked awesome invention, say a water powered fleshlight (patent pending), the last thing I'd ever want is to have the government involved in it, although admittedly, the government would make good quality testers.

They're the experts in screwing, afterall. 

Partido Derecho, Urong sulong

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

(5:25:04 PM) Jet: walang magagawa ang gobyerno sa ganunng klasng porblema
(5:25:23 PM) Leonard : meron pre, putangina magtatatag ako ng party list
(5:25:34 PM) Leonard : you'll be calling me rep. Leonard in a few months
(5:25:37 PM) Leonard : just you wait
(5:31:05 PM) Jet: make sure it starts with a numeral.
(5:34:31 PM) Leonard : gagu dapat dating aktivist, so red watawat namin
(5:34:46 PM) Leonard : tapos dapat tunog masa
(5:34:52 PM) Jet: 1RED
(5:34:53 PM) Leonard : dirdir tite
(5:35:00 PM) Leonard : 1red?
(5:35:11 PM) Jet: para ikaw una dun sa partylist
(5:35:14 PM) Leonard :
(5:35:18 PM) Leonard : oo nga ano
(5:35:34 PM) Leonard : 01AABANTE
(5:35:39 PM) Leonard : yan sigurado unang una yan
(5:35:50 PM) Leonard : double A sa umpisa 01 pa
(5:35:57 PM) Jet: sa future yung pangalan ng mga partylist ####1111FIRST
(5:36:00 PM) Leonard : tapos B yung pangatlo
(5:36:07 PM) Leonard : HAHAHAHA
(5:36:51 PM) Jet: pwedeng ang partyname mo DERECHO PARTIDO OCHO
(5:37:04 PM) Jet: tapos yung acronym ganito 8==D
(5:37:10 PM) Jet: 8=== D
(5:37:24 PM) Jet: una ka na sa partylist, panalo ka pa sa kababaihang botante
(5:38:49 PM) Leonard : at bading

Culion Island/Burog Shoal - Coron Island Tour Review Part 4

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 4 is supposed to be our free day. We had three options: Stay at the lodge, go back to the Coron Island Tour, or get a boat and go somewhere else. Firstly, I had no intention of climbing the steep cliff to Kayangan lakeagain. And since the town of Coron's not exactly the type of place that you can hang about sober without getting bored after five minutes, we decided to go for a custom day tour to an island called Culion. The island got mentioned the day before by our tour guide. She said that there were WW2 articles to be found there, which I am a total sucker for, and leper colony memorabilia, which I am not. Anyway she did mention that it was no longer an active colony and that there were even old WW2 era aircraft in the island. I. just. had. to. go.

Sadly, there weren't any trips going to that island that day and our only option was to hire a special trip just for me and Anna, and anybody who might want to join us. The fee was a bit steep at 5k for the entire day - but since I figure that I might have only once chance to do this so I agreed anyway. The travel agency found a boat who'd take us there, but there'd be no tourguide. The travel agency did say that the boat captain grew up in Culion so he'd be happy to take us around.

As it turns out, the boat that would take us to Culion was the same boat that we rode before, together with Captain Edi (made memorable by his the-boat-wont-sink-too-much) and his mate whose name escapes me at the moment. Edi looked excited to go back to his hometome, and confessed he didn't get to do that very often.

Before we left, I was happily looking forward to eating lugaw, which was a staple in the breakfast buffet of Coron Eco Lodge but as it turns out, they didn't have it that day, and instead offered a single premium -silog meal from their menu in lieu of the rice porridge, eggs, and bread we've been used to. The tapa was awesome, which I imagined came from the ranches we passed by on the way from the airport a few days back. It was only a slight disappointment to not eat lugaw. The disappointment, however, didn't stop there.

The weather
 was only slight better than the day before. Rain pelted us during the hour-long trip, but not as much as the day before. Having the boat to ourselves also meant we could stay at the far back instead of getting jizzed at nature up front. Since it's a long trip, I asked about our itinerary. As it turns out, there were no WW2 weapons, or airplanes, or anything in Culion. I don't know even today if that was just me hearing shit, or if the tourguide just wanted to screw with my head - either way, I'd only be looking at the leprosarium part of Culion, which to be honest, I didn't really look forward to all that much.

When we finally neared the island, my opinion of the place completely changed. Culion is that one town, close to a tourist spot but not really famous enough to be one, that it actually preserves the feel that it's a fully sustained, pollution-minimal island community. Like, I've seen a lot of docks in my life and it's pretty safe to say that there's no dock as clean and as ALIVE as that of Culion. There were corals, large fish, and even starfishes practically living underneath the boats. The water was crystal even to a depth of 8 feet. It was crazy. Were it not for the fact that I didn't want to be walking around in a hospital sopping wet, I'd have dove in.

After a brief coffee break, we rode a trike up the side of Culion's mountain towards the town center where the hospital and museum is located. On our way, Edi either greeted or was greeted by pretty much every other person we came across and he looked really happy for it. That proved his tall claim that everybody knew everybody in Culion.

Just above the town, a large caduceus (staff and snakes) symbol is carved into the mountain's face reflecting the strong medical history of the island, as well as the current state-of-the-art facilities that are actually better than both Coron's and Busuanga's. Edi told us that whenever there are emergencies in either Busuanga or Coron, they'd either move the patient by boat, by chopper or by plane to Culion for treatment. That's pretty much Culion for you. A real provincial town with a creepy past and a kickass hospital system. Add an internet connection to the package and I'd say it's a really nice town to retire in.

The museum was closed when we got there. Apparently the guy in charge went home to cook lunch, owing to the fact that the museum wasn't exactly a tourist magnet, so we had to wait a while. I walked around and realized that the architecture of the hospital little changed from the early American style construction that I saw in the older buildings of our school, and in Philippine General Hospital. The museum itself had a large pillared Southern-style frontage.

Inside, we were treated to a ten minute video in a dark viewing room on the first floor. It gave us a short summary of Culion's history, mostly as a leper colony. I was just glad the film didn't last long. The room was a bit damp and tad too creepy for my taste.

The exhibits on the first floor were mostly photographs and relics of Leprosy research. One of the rooms contained microscope slides they used for checking diseased tissue. Which I touched. And didn't realize what an idiot I was until a bit later. Upstairs were more antiquated equipment, which were oddly 'round the same model type as the science lab stuff we had back in our school. At this point, I'd like to confirm that my school had half of its equipment stuck in the American Occupation era. There was a money exhibit, including money that was exclusive in Culion, because really, when half of your citizens have an infectious disease that cause your flesh to slowly die and rot off while you're still alive, you'd want money that goes around to stay around.

There were also preserved animals and the like, which Anna took really fondness of. Me, I still prefer my preserved animals in the form of dried squid and bagoong.

After the museum visit, we walked around town. Most of the American-era buildings were still around, although their functions were very much different now. We didn't fully cover the town, and I declined as nicely as I could in taking Edi's offer to walk us around the only part of Culion were there were still actual lepers. I suddenly thought about the sores in my feet from the frequent rubbing of the straps on my sandals which I never took off even when I swam.

We visited the church next, which was made of cement blocks strengthened with coral. The final result was beautiful, but I thought had it been any other type of animal skeleton, the result would've been ten times more horrifying (or cool, depending on how you like your places of worship)
we weren't able to get inside because the place was closed for the day, but we went to the side where the ruins of the oldest fort was. There was barely any trace of the fort left, save for the last rampart and a bronze cannon barrel that was still pointing out at sea.

It was amazing to think that once upon a time, they had to build this fort, at the expense and labor of hundreds of workers, to ensure that nobody (most especially the moro pirates) would invade the island, whence nowadays, it's hard enough to convince people to even go within the vicinity of the place. 

It was about 12 noon when we headed back for the boats. We headed for a lone dock sitting in the middle of the waters a couple of kilometers from Culion. When we got near we realized that it didnt even have boarding ladders yet so we were forced to anchor somewhere nearby. Edi called the place "Burog" and we had to eat our lunch on the boat.

As for lunch, to put things into context, we paid about 800 pesos for the food that we at at Kawayanan the night before, which consisted of a piece of small fish, a solitary crab, a couple of shellfish and some rice. This time, we paid 600 pesos for the same food that was served to our group in Banana Island the day before, minus the five other people on the boat to share it with. There was one large fish, five crabs, mango salad, rice and too many bottles of soft drinks. I wanted to go back to Kawayanan and show them the pictures and tell them how much they screwed us over the food.

We convinced Edi and Estong to eat some of the food as we could not magically consume food intended for a house warming party while not dying midway. We rested for about fifteen minutes, which was about as long as our urge to dive into the water could be restrained without any handcuffs involved.

I went in first by sitting at the boat's deployed ladder and then slidding off. I'm forever thankful that I did not jump, because as it turns out, I was just above what probably was a sea urchin rave party, with the three inch long spikes barely three feet below the surface waiting to fuck somebody's week up. I swam a bit more, and I think it was a minute into the swim that I realized that Culion's greatest asset is the one that they actually never really mention in the ads. Burog is a majestic coral reef sitting a few feet below the surface of the water containing fish and other marine life you normally have to dive for in other places. It made Banana and Malcapuya islands look desolate by comparison. And you could nary see a dead coral because there was simply nobody there to spoil it. It was then that I understood why Edi was so careful in tossing the anchor overboard when we first came.

In a way, I felt a bit sad, because there'd be so many other beaches, snorkeling sites that I'll be going to in my life, but few will ever be able to match what we just saw in Burog.

After swimming for an hour or so, Edi told us that we should start heading back to beat the strong waves. It was a bit sad to leave the coral reefs already but given the rains that we experienced in the morning, the last thing we'd want is accompanying sea waves to make it more festive.

On our way back, we passed by a lot of floating balls arranged in gridlike formation. Edi told us that they were pearl farms whose produce were sent to Japan for processing. He used to work for those farms before he joined the tour group, and told us his daily salary and how much it grew when he transferred, which was still smaller than my taxi fare to work. Edi did mention that it was manageable, not considering the long list of utang he had in their neighbor's sarisari store, though I felt that I was somewhat shortchanging him for what he was doing for us that day.

We encountered one of the floating balls while one our way, and Estong grabbed it for Edi. He looked too happy to get a floating ball so I asked what they were going to use it for. Turns out the same people who lost the float bought it back when they went astray.

For our last trip, Edi made us chose on whether we want to go to a beach or a shipwreck. I wanted to go to the shipwreck, while I felt Anna wanted to go for the beach. We went for the shipwreck. I guess she understood how badly I wanted to have something WW2-related for this trip given the fact that I had already my expectations dashed by the museum earlier.

The shipwreck was just as deep as the one in Coron Island. There were SCUBA divers about, but this time around the water was not as stinging as before. Also, it kind of felt comforting knowing there were other people around while diving towards something that killed people many years ago. Braving my usual limits, I hit 15 feet for the first time and got to grab on to the front crane in the hull of the boat where the sun was still able to pierce the water. It felt glorious.

We didnt stay around for long, as my lungs quickly tired out from the forced, unassisted dives. Edi bade the divers off and headed back for Coron. The weather was not as bad as the morning, though it was still raining. Since we were a lot lighter and this time a bit earlier, we got off from the same Pier that we left. The bad part is that the pier had a fixed height so this time, we had to walk towards the sea wall and then mantle over it. I barely cleared the wall. Anna understandably had a much harder time and had to clear it by being pulled by two other people.

Before we parted, I gave Edi 600, and his boatman 200. I explained that they're not tips, they're fees that I'd have paid had there been a tourguide included in the package. Edi was teary eyed and told me it was a very big deal for both of them. I told him they were for the long lists of "utang" they had in the store.

After resting for a while, Anna and I went to this weirdly-named resto called Mannikin Pis, which we later learned was Dansk for The Pissing Statue, a famous Danish Landmark. After our experience in Kawayanan, we decided to do research this time for highly recommended restos in town. For some reason Mannikin Pis was the only place that didn't have detractors and only hand songs of praises online.

And for good reason, apparently.

I ordered tomato-sauced spaghetti while Anna ordered a burger patty/fries combo. Both were so awesome that we instantly regretted not having eaten there earlier. The price was both below 200 pesos each, which considering the serving size (and taste!), would've still justified an above 200 peso price. The place was cozy and the service was extremely nice. If ever I'd be going back to Coron I'd probably dine there exclusively. For a restaurant that had piss in its name, I loved it.

Anna insisted on dessert afterwards. We had chocolate pudding and it was just as nice as I imagined. Anna told me how much she enjoyed everything that's happened so far and I felt the same way. It was at that moment I felt that our trip to Coron was finally complete.

What was supposed to be a sidetrip on the way to El Nido (which was a stupid plan from the get go) ended up as an experience that was much better, unpredictable, exciting, and overwhelming that despite its shortcomings, I could easily rank up with the best trips that I've ever had in my life.

So if one day, while looking at a CebuPac Seat Sale you're wondering, is it possible to get to El Nido by booking a flight to Busuanga - the answer is NO, it is not possible. But book it anyway.

It will be one decision you will never regret. 

Malcapuya/Banana Island Hop - Coron Island Tour Review Part 3

Monday, September 10, 2012

Day 3

Since the day before we almost missed the frigging boat, I triple confirmed my name on the tour manifest. We rode a boat manned by a guy named EDI (eeh-dee). There's a Mass Effect joke there somewhere. The group we joined was a lot smaller this time consisting of a chummy older caucasian guy, his filipina wife, a Bisaya-speaking Croatian woman (totall caught me offguard. good thing I didn't speak too loudly when I said she was cute) and her timid pinoy husband. Also joining us was a solo backpacker named Kai, who for all intents and purposes, looked and spoke like a poor man's Ruffa Guttierrez.

Our first stop was Malcapuya Beach. I was surprised at the distance we had to cover to get there, since the Coron Island tour destinations the day before were mere minutes apart. This time, the first trip took an hour. Thankfully, the American guy was being typically American and was entertaining everybody by asking the living daylights out of the tourguide.

Malcapuya isn't exactly big. It's probably less than a kilometer wide in a crescent arc. The beach is made of fine white sand, and since we didn't really get a lot of chance to beach bum the day before, this was a welcome sight. Our tourguide, Isay, told us that some dude bought the island back in the 70s for a measly 3,000 pesos, who then built a house in the middle of the island and then lived off the entrance fees of the island and incessant gloating for the last 40 years. I didn't really get to catch the owners name, but I assume it's Lucky Asshole McBastard III. About 200 meters away from the beach, there was a buoy that marked the coral reefs. Isay told us that we should swim there to get a good view. Everybody except the Bisaya guy and the Ruffa clone went. I wandered around the crags of the island a bit more at the opposite end. The rocks made the fish look like they're in an aquarium and I personally just wanted to stay there, seeing as I'm now even further away from the buoy. But since I'll probably never hear the end of it if I didn't go, I told myself the 300 meter swim is probably worth it. It damn well should. It took me a while to get there, since I was dragging a vest tethered to me by a rope. The corals were not as colorful as I imagined, but there were lots of Giant Clams with shells that'll probably be used by the Little Mermaid if she happened to start having obesity problems. After I got there, the Croat approached me and asked me in Tagalog if she could borrow my goggles. I lent it to her, because as it turns out she lost her diving mask AND snorkel fastener. I honestly don't know how you can do that in the middle of the sea. By the time she found it, I only had a few minutes left to enjoy the reef before we had to swim back, which was kind of a bitch. But what the heck? it was worth it.

Our next stop was Banana Island which was right across Malcapuya. Isay told us that Banana Island was purchased at a more expensive 50k pesos (compared to Malcapuya anyway). On disembarking, she gave us bread to feed the fish. I was hungrier, so I ate one of mine instead. Banana Island sat very closely to a coral ridge, filled with, yes you guessed it - corals. Feeding the fish with bread was fun, at least until we saw dart-like fishes and longer swordfishes lingering about. I had no intention of being skewered by the very fish I'm trying to feed so we disposed of the bread as soon and as far from my genitals as possible. Our guide later pointed out a viewing deck which required you to climb a pretty steep semi-cliff. Naturally, I declined and opted to just pick shells and various mineral rocks with Anna instead. No laborious climbing. Yay.

Lunch was a treat. There were fewer people on the boat this time, but the amount of food was still aplenty. And since half of the people on the boat were women, us men had to step up to the role of turning the feast into a barren wasteland of leftovers and chewed up bones. Much later that day, I was really glad that I ate a lot.

On a minor sidenote, Banana Island did not have Bananas. The owner probably realized that everybody who goes to the island starts looking for Bananas so he planted some, probably weeks earlier, by the entrance of his lodge. But that's just making excuses if you ask me.

The weather during our stay in Banana Island started to turn a bit sour but it was still mostly manageable. It was already partially raining when we left so it wasn't too big a surprise.

Our next stop was a sandbar close to one of the classier resorts. We were told that the place had lots of jellyfish about so swimming isn't exactly the best idea. I kind of felt bad since apart from the forced swim that I did in Malcapuya earlier, I haven't really gotten my fill yet of seawater fun. We did photoops, and Anna happily collected sand dollars, which I said belonged to mermaids, and they'd come looking for it if she didn't return it. The sandbar disappeared shortly before we left, which was a bit disappointing.

I didn't even get to order drinks.

On the way home, that was when the weather started getting really foul. And by foul, I don't mean ten foot waves. Coron's too gentle for that. The wind did pick up, and the rain dropped the visibility to about five meters around the boat. Captain Edi told us to put our stuff inside the boat's locker. We put our stuff in but kept our towel, figuring it might be useful in keeping warm. Kai, who at the time was just wearing her bikini top and bottom, was in for the washing down of her life. Now there really wasn't any danger of getting destroyed by waves, but the wind was so strong, the canopy above us offered no protection from the rain that went in sideways. I changed places with Kai since she was up front and since I have no appetite for having somebody die of hypothermia in my vacation. My towel instantly became a makeshift windbreaker so Anna and Kai at the back didn't have to absorb too much rain. On the other side of the boat, the Croatian's wife didnt have a towel and resorted to using the lid of the trashbin. Anna shared her towel with Kai, who was visibly shaking and whose lips was turning not-so-sexy purple. I told Anna it's probably got something to do with the Sand Dollars not being returned to the mermaids. It was funny for a while, until I started thinking if my own bullshit had some nugget of truth in it. Rain slapping your face repeatedly makes you think of such things.

The trip lasted for about an hour. It felt like being in an open-top convertible on a five kilometer drive-in carwash. The old man from Minessota looked like he was enjoying it. I suppose given the frigid, forbidding temperatures of their lakes back home, this rain might as well be a warm shower at the gym. Edi told us that in the event that the boat sinks, it wont completely sink, and we can still climb on top of the canvas roof. Needless to say, Edi would have made a bad psychiatrist.

After getting lost once (and intentionally, as Edi quipped), we finally reached Coron's bay. It was actually interesting because despite the fact that it was raining hardcore outside the mountainous enclosure of the bay, inside, the weather was somewhat sunny. The blast of warm air as we entered the bay felt like the best kind of non-sexual bukakke anybody would ever ask for.

Disembarking this time was not as hard, although we had to cross two boats chainlinked together just to be able to reach the dock. I nearly fell again, but I figured even if I did, at least the water this time was somewhat cleaner. We rode the van straight home where we proceeded to squeeze about six liters of water from our towels and swimwear.

Later in the evening we tried the seafood resto named Kawayanan. We ordered the seafood platter. I won't go to lengths. The food was disappointing. Portions were small. Even the platter was undersized. I had a feeling the mosquitos in that place got more from us than us from our food. 

Coron Island Tour Review Part 2 - Coron Island Tour

Friday, September 07, 2012

Just so there's no confusion, the Coron Island Tour is a tour package that involves attractions around Coron Bay. It's different from the Island Hop Tour, which involves islands that are further away. We will cover the Island Hop tour in the next part. Both tours are covered by the Calamian Group Tours or Tour Group. I can't remember. That said, on with the article!

The tour group pickup van arrived on time, picked us up, and sent us off to the docks where a boat with other tourists was waiting for us. The sucky part is that we weren't supposed to be the ones picked up on the hotel that day because some guy in the tours agency forgot to put our names in the manifest. Two other people, people who were sitting beside us in the lobby were the ones supposed to be picked up. So the van had to go back. Let's just say many an awkward stare was thrown that morning. In any case, we were already on the boat and there was no way in hell they are going to pull us out without me threatening to sink the boat with our gigantic hotel room key keychain. Nobody asked us to leave so I let the boatmen use it as an anchor instead.

The sun was definitely much better than the previous day. We traveled together with a large family with three kids and two other couples, including, you know, the ones we left behind. I told myself that those two were drug smugglers and they're just getting a bit of karma. It made dealing with them a lot easier for the rest of the day.

Our first stop was the Kayangan Lake. The boat entered a cove and docked near a set of really steep steps along a mountain path. Whatever stress we avoided with Mt. Tapyas the day before came back to haunt us here instead. We signed a log book before climbing up, probably so that they'd know whose body it is that gets recovered in case one of us gets eaten by mountain bears (hint: I cannot confirm or deny the existence of mountain bears in the island). The path up was steep and slippery, and I got to wonder a bit how in the world the people in Coron manage to hide the accidents that probably happen there on a weekly basis. (disclosure: I'm a pussy and I may exaggerate facts like this) Mosquitos were around, and for some reason the sunblock that I applied was like marijuana for these bloodsuckers, giving them a bad case of munchies they gladly satisfied by sucking on my cholesterol-laden blood. I hope they get a heart attack. After a hundred steps up, you get to take pictures on an iconic cliff overlooking the cove from where we entered. It was breathtaking, and judging from the height, if I fell from the vantage, that'd be the last breath I'd be taking as well. We went down another hundred steps and finally got to the lake. The steps were slippery, but one of the guys in our group told us that a few years back, the steps didn't even exist yet. Well what exactly did they do back then? Slide down in an avalanche of death and broken hope?

The lake looked like it was generated using 90s era PlayStation engine - but in a beautiful way. The water was ridiculously clear and the sharp triangular rocks underwater made it look like a death trap in tomb raider 2. I got excited, jumped in and realized too late that the water was actually at least 25 feet deep. Luckily, water dampens the sound when you scream like a bitch so nobody knew how scared I was when I realized that after two seconds I was still sinking with the surface slowly drifting away from me. I recovered, rose for air and pretended it was all good. Anna got to test her underwater camera with mostly shots of me diving, or to be more specific, of what my butt and legs look like while diving. The water was brackish, but it was mostly freshwater so it kind of tasted like soup. I didn't want to incur any illness that will cause involuntary shitting so I happily spit the rest out.

Anna's waterproof camera's batteries conked out at this point, much to our disappointment, and probably to yours too if you're expecting pictures of the next few paragraphs.

The next stop of our tour was the Twin Lagoons. To enter the twin lagoon, we went into a similar cove as with Kayangan Lake. We were told that the entrance of that lagoon got really shallow during low tide so it would be best if we kept our visit short. Worst case scenario, we'd have to get off the boat and push it over a wall of corals. That'd be the boat equivalent of having to push start a car with a dead battery. Realizing that getting marooned in a lagoon is bad and getting marooned in that lagoon with a pair of drug smugglers was worse, I was more than glad to agree.  We docked in a wooden port that was four kawayans wide, proped on the side of a cliff wall by four more rickety bamboos. Then we dove into the water through a slippery ladder at the end of it. Anna had a hard time crossing this area due to her knee. When I found out later on that our boat had its own ladder that we couldve used to hop off and then just swim to the entrance of the other lagoon, I secretly wanted to punch somebody in the nuts. I didn't know who. I just wanted to.

The crossing between the two lagoons was nice. It reminded me of that time we'd play on the beach as a kid, dig two parallel trenches and try to dig a connecting tunnel between them. The water was brackish as well, but this time it was saltier. I told myself I should really stop trying to taste the water everywhere I went because dysentery is not funny. Other than that there wasn't really anything else to the twin lagoons.

After Twin Lagoons, we headed for Beach 19. They named the beach that, I assume, because they just ran out of names in the Shitty Names Department that day. Honestly though, it's because Coron has so many white sand beaches that after a while they just stopped bothering putting in tourist-catchy names on them, slapped a number on each of them, and went for the "Come to Coron, we got more beaches than all the bars of Ermita combined!" Lunch was served consisting of Grilled squid, fish, chopped pork loins, rice and assorted fruits. After eating a carpenter's fill, I proceeded to give that appendicitis myth a punch in the guts by swimming right after. It's been half a day already and I had yet found a decent place to go watch fish. Of course I was pissed. Thankfully you did not have to go far to see fish. They were five steps away from the shore. The best part about this beach? We didn't have to climb a mountain, or mount a rickety old kawayan bridge. It's just the beach, the water, the fish, and the occasional sea urchin that seems to taunt you saying "I have spikes. Your move, fucker."

After everybody's had their fill, we headed for a nearby shoal five minutes away from the beach. We were told that there was a sunken ship underneath. The ship being Japanese, of WW2 era, and deep enough for snorkeling, I got excited. I threw my vest in the water and jumped after it. I landed right above the wreck, and it was a very eerie, somber sight. The sunlight piercing the water formed beams that highlighted the ghostly bow of the ship rising from the darkened deep water. Sometime seventy years ago, some American pulled a trigger on his plane that dropped a bomb that sunk this ship, killing some of its crew, and dooming the ship to its permanent shallow grave. Knowing the weight of the scenario before me, we did the only thing that we could at the time.

We started feeding fish with pieces of bread.

Well, what exactly do you do? The place teemed of sealife and large fish. It was kind of a circle of life thing. After feeding on fish for lunch, we proceeded feeding fish. That'd be like a TRex eating a human being and then giving his companion burgers in return.

The water was itchy because SCUBA divers in the area were causing some of the plankton from the bottom to rise up and irritate my skin, and the sunken boat was at least 18 feet deep so I could only do so much to try and reach it without drowning and accidentally joining its lost crew in the afterlife. Still, it was a pretty awesome experience.

The last stop of the boat was the twin peaks, which rose in the middle of Coron bay. The current in the water was a bit strong and for some reason the boat we were riding on just had to stop far from the shallow parts. The waters were a bit murky since it was raining the night before. Other than that, I have no complaints. The only real reason I couldn't enjoy most of the experience was that I needed to pee because of the copious  amounts of soft drinks that I drank during lunchtime - and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to pee on the water. Call it years of breeding and not getting piss drunk. After a while I convinced myself it's okay. I traced the currents and did it where I was sure no people would accidentally swallow it. Moving oooooooooooon.

Our boat was huge and low tide has set in, so when we returned to Coron town, we couldn't really dock at the same place where we got on the boat during the morning. Instead, we were taken to the industrial dock. Unfortunately, the docks were also full, so the boatmen lashed our boat into another boat, which was attached to the dock (and barely) with a wooden plank that wobbled with the waves. IT. WAS. CRAZY. Thankfully the boatmen supported us along the way so nobody had to make an accidental dive in the shallow but semi-polluted water.

It was still a bit early when we got back at the lodge so after rinsing ourselves of saltwater and partial piss, we took a stroll in town to buy batteries for Anna's camera and find food. After a few rounds, we decided to eat at the tourist trap place again. I ordered sisig while Anna got Sultana De Coron, which is basically assorted seafoods with Squid Ink sauce on a sizzling plate. It was actually very delicious and I wanted to go back and eat it again if I could.

We returned to the promenade and took some more pictures. The weather was definitely clearer so we got better shots. The zipline attraction was kind enough to actually show to us what we missed yesterday by having another pair of zipliners stuck in the middle of the two zipline towers.

Coron can be so accommodating sometimes. 

Another Facebook One-Liner Roundup

Thursday, September 06, 2012

"There's a sense of irony in seeing a witty quip about Sotto's stolen speech being reposted anonymously all over Facebook. Let's not kid ourselves. Sotto isn't the root of the problem. He's just the most blatant, most expensive manifestation of it."

"When you get kids, enroll them in college first, then highschool, then gradeschool, then kindergarten. Inflation-wise, its' cheaper that way."

"The Avengers: A movie about a special group of intellectual property rights out to defend the world from special effects with the amazing use of one-liner witticisms."

"I am starting to think the is some hidden market where you can sell likes, shares, and comments given the number of people who beg, coerce, and guilt trip just to get more of these. At the very least, do you get to convert them to Glico's tickets?"

"People keep dreaming up that martial rule is coming again. It's not. No sane Filipino would allow it to happen again. But because a lot of people's defining moments came during that era, they conjure up its ghost so that they can continue reliving that part of their life, even without the hard tack of reality. Get of the streets. Get a job. Go back to your classroom. We need a different kind of hero nowadays."

"The thing that makes it hard to quit while you're winning is that you're winning."

"I think there'd be far less wastage of tissue paper if people know what went on in making them. Every restaurant should have a tree in the middle and whenever somebody asks for tissue, you hand them an axe and a mortar and pestle."

"Dapat ata yung mga initiation ng frat, gawin na lang pagkain ng marshmallow. That way, if anybody dies from frat initiations, it'll be a festive headline. "Frat member, patay dahil kumain ng maraming maraming marshmallow.""

"Typical IBM mentality. Produce a 16mb installer for a DB2 "lite" driver. Localize into about 30 different countries/languages by making 30 variations of that same installer. Bundle all that up in one convenient package totaling 500MB in size, even though you, the developer, will NEVER EVER EVER EVER have to use a SLOVAK or a SWAHILI version. :|"

"Power isn't about having a lot of something. It's about knowing where to use it. It's in the same way a dam produces electricity not by storing a lot of water but by having generators that make use of the water it expels. #sickdaymunimunis"

"Once upon a time we all thought knowing what complete strangers were thinking would be such an awesome superpower.Thanks to Twitter trends,we now know better. I can only feel bad for Professor X."

"Time travel can change only your circumstance, never your character."

"When I was young, I told myself I'd study hard to so I can earn enough money to buy all the things that I wanted one day. Now that I can afford to buy those things, I'm already to old to enjoy them... just kidding. F*** you I'll buy all the computer games that want and send time-travelling gloats to my younger self. :P"

"Who can say better that the world is round than somebody standing on the moon? Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the big picture for those who can't see better from within."

"There is probably no better example of democracy bastardized than a contest decided by the number of facebook likes.

"The funny thing about memory is that the easier you can recall something without thinking, the less likely your brain will store it in your brain. So the more pictures you take of your life, the more you convince your brain to not take down any details, and pretty soon, without those thousands of pictures you've archived over the years, you'd have nothing to reminisce about at all."

"Practically speaking, the only time you'll ever get whiter skin coming back from the beach is when you drown. Put that way, the darker skin thing ain't as bad as you think."

"Diligo victum totus praeter retineo ordo. Love conquers all, except restraining orders."

"If tuna makes you sexy, how come whales are... well... whales?"

"Say what you will, but until you can differentiate and perform at least four types of honking, you're not a real Filipino driver."
"Watching Paquiao fight is like watching a butcher kill with a hammer. Donaire's that same butcher killing with a clown suit and a spritzer."

"Stocks has got to be the ultimate spectator sport. The more you play, the more you suck. The more you just sit back and watch, the more you get good."

"Max's Chicken All You Can Season must be equivalent to a manok's Halloween."

"‎"So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a criminal lawyer."
"Oh, I figured half as much"
"Really now, what gave you the idea that I'm a lawyer?"
"Not that half."
- Random skits that occur in my brain while commuting."

"You don't have to understand to appreciate, but you have to appreciate to understand."

"Kaya ba merong custom plate kasi may mga driver na hindi kayang tandaan ang tatlong letra at tatlong numero ng sasakyan nila?"

"If ever, the whole UST vs UP debacle has only proven that every school has its share of jerks who only exist to serve as a reason to not talk about educational backgrounds unnecessarily."

"Aminin mo na. Makikiinom ka na lang sa coleman ng kaklase mo, namimili ka pa ng tubig na hindi lasang galing sa poso."

"When a person talks about the government as though the only person running the show is Aquino, I automatically mark that person as a numbskull, and proceed to talk about less mentally demanding topics."

Filipinos in general have no concept of systemic problems. It's either one single person's fault or nobody's at all. See you at the 37th EDSA revolution


Coron Island Tour Review 1 - Coron Town

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

If anybody's been wondering why I have not updated here for so long, it's because I had been writing this piece - a 6000 word monstrosity about our 4 day trip to Coron last July. That and procrastination, mostly. I'll be splitting this into four parts and I'll post the articles before adding pictures because the pictures are at home and unprocessed. So if you're not seeing any pictures when you're expecting one, come back after a few days. That said, on with the show!

Coron is a cozy little town. Far from what you'd imagine as a tourist destination. After settling down in our inn, the Coron Eco Lodge, and watching an HBO movie about Richard Gere firing a lot of people, we went outside and tried to find food. Apparently traveling from Manila doesn't make you very hungry, but seeing Richard Gere flirt like a 17 year old does.

Naturally, we ended up eating at the biggest, most tourist trap-looking  restaurant that sold 250 peso fish and rice meals. The blue marlin steak tasted fresh from the sea, though that wasn't so much of a surprise. The coke that I drunk tasted the same way, and THAT was the surprise.

Not content with just wandering around for a few minutes, we went around town some more. (Coron being a small town, wandering around is a lot easier than it sounds.) Surprisingly, in my fifteen minutes of strolling I found three barber shops and four salons, which led me to think that apart from beef seafoods and pearls, Coron's next biggest exports are stylish 90s-era haircuts.

At around four in the afternoon, we proceeded with the town tour. The tour van was reserved just for me and Anna because the guys we arrived with on the plane earlier opted to gun for the island tour on the same day as their flight. It didn't sound like a great idea, since we later learned the Island Tour normally takes an entire day.

To be honest, most of the town was unimpressive in that it's a normal town which might as well have been your childhood neighborhood. We visited a souvenir shop and a casuy factory for pasalubongs. It's kinda hard to get motivated in buying souvenirs when the only thing you've seen so far is the town plaza, so I didn't buy anything (also I have an inborn genetic precondition known as "kuripot"). We also visited a new promenade facing the Coron Bay, and I thought it was only so-so. There was also a new zipline attraction that operated for the first time, attached to two metal strut towers rising from the bay's waters. It's a cool idea as long as nothing goes wrong. I later heard that somebody did get stuck in the middle.

Owing to Anna's busted knee and because I suffered a sudden attack of "katamaran", we opted out of climbing Mt. Tapyas to view the sunset, which was being blocked by ominous rainclouds just waiting to pounce.  And since it was only the two of us, we just instructed the tour guides to head for the hotsprings instead. The driver insisted on maybe just passing through the entrance of Mt Tapyas so we can at least know what it looks like, and then offered to take our picture at the entrance so we could pretend that we climbed it. I just said in the most polite and friendly way possible that we really didn't give a shit. The driver took it as cue and went on to the hot springs part.

This was actually my first time to enter a hot spring. I've gone to pansol multiple times but I always end up entering a resort with a do-it-yourself heated pool where the water is primarily warmed up by the sariling sikap method of drinking lots of alcohol-based refreshments. The spring's water was a bit salty, and a bit sulfuric. Apart from the issues of moss, the water was very clean - not to mention hot (durr). And since most people who take the town tour climb Mt. Tapyas before heading for the springs, we got there before the place got crowded. It was very relaxing. I now know what makes the Japanese go apeshit about dipping their bodies in hot water. I thought that maybe Lobsters didn't really suffer when they get cooked. Maybe their last minutes are spent contemplating how awesome it would be if there'd be Piña Colada offered to go with
the hot bath.

But that's just me. 

10 Ways to Fix Manila's Bankruptcy

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

News came out this week that our venerably senile Mayor Fred Lim and his former-partner-turned-enemy-just-like-in-the-movies Vice Mayor Isko Moreno have driven Manila so deep in debt that we citizens would sooner drown in loanshark interest rates than floodwaters. If you ask me, that's just Manila's hire a ghost program coming back to haunt us. Now we have ghosts of ghosts employees on the payroll, and there are people who can't wait to die so they can get hired by the City Hall to start collecting bogus salaries.

I could rant all day, but that's not really what this article is about. We're always into the whole positive spin of things so instead, we'll propose ways to help the government of Manila earn back our debts.

10. Sell all those extra stop lights in front of La Salle. There's like five of them even though Taft has only two roads intersecting in that stretch. Piecemeal, the red lights can be sold to Pasay's patay-sindi districts.

9. Put Isko Moreno to work in the streets again.

8. Tax the bar damage of countless KTV-style whorehouses in Malate/Ermita. We'll call it "Dirty Harry's Dirty Tax"

7. Rename Rizal Park to Globe Jollibee Coca-cola Sarao Park. We've bastardized the place enough so selling out the name is just a drop of canola in the middle of an oilspill.

6. Do "Bourne Legacy" walking tours. Rachel Weisz once sat on one of the benches in Rizal Park. Like, a friend of a friend who used to date this guy who passed by the place told me. True story.

5. Start collecting parking fees for assholes who can afford a car but not a garage and park on the side of the road.

4. Return the Manila Bay Promenade. As a second incentive, I heard standup comedian dragqueen acts  can act as a barrier for storm surges.

3. Start collecting swimming tickets for when the Quiapo and Lagusnilad underpasses flood.

2. Invade the neighboring district of Pasay.

1. Include a "Dampa"-style restaurant in Manila Ocean Park. If a fish doesn't attract enough attention, cook it to set an example. Before you know it,we'll have fish that can do tight rope walking, breathe fire, and eat swords.

Seriously though, fuck Mayor Lim, Isko Moreno, and everybody involved in running what is easily one of the most financially rich districts in NCR deep into the ground. 

Massive Facebook Status Update Dump

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Okay, so I haven't updated this blog in a long time. The reason for it is that I'm still writing about my trip to Coron early last month. It's becoming Novel-ish. Minus the plot. Or the interesting characters. But I assure you it has lots of mentions of fish. And Koreans. Meanwhile, here's my quote dump from April until Today.

I think there'd be far less wastage of tissue paper if people know what went on in making them. Every restaurant should have a tree in the middle and whenever somebody asks for tissue, you hand them an axe and a mortar and pestle.

Dapat ata yung mga initiation ng frat, gawin na lang pagkain ng marshmallow. That way, if anybody dies from frat initiations, it'll be a festive headline. "Frat member, patay dahil kumain ng maraming maraming marshmallow."

what they dont tell you about vertigo is that if you time the spinning just right, it cancels out the earths revolution. and for a few fleeting moments the world stops spinning

Raffy Tulfo: "Sunugin nyo na lang yung mga effigy. Yung effigy ni PNoy, sunugin nyo. Yung effigy ni Binay, sunugin nyo." *long awkward silence* "Kung pwede lang naman."

If there's bekimon, should straight guys have their own lingo? Let's call it testimon.

Remember how they sold APEC to us back in '96? We'll get to enjoy imported stuff while our products get to be sold abroad. It'll be fun they said. It'll be good for us they said. Well thanks to APEC, Humpy Dumpy is gone forever - lost to competition by less repulsive chips like doritos and piknik. Was it worth it? Kids will grow up never knowing what its like to lose a friend by just opening a bag of chips. That's lost now.

Makakayanan mo ba kumain ng balot na gawa sa itlog ng ostrich?

Some dreams I call Zamboni dreams, because to have your own zamboni, you'd have to have your own rink, and to have your own rink you'd have to have a place large enough for a rink.

I bet every time Cebu Pacific hosts a seat sale the manananggals go "meh."

Why do we still call it dialing? I can't remember the last time I held a phone that had actual dials in it.

Pigs are not eaten in the Middle East while cows are not eaten in India. Makes me feel sad for the chicken, who has no safe zone.

I sometimes think we should be teaching history backwards so we don't have kids who know who Lapulapu is but don't know why the ARMM exists. At the start of the year, we should start with current events and work our way backwards, towards the more inaccurate accounts of history written by foreigners. That way, even if teachers run out of time at the end of the year and start rushing the curriculum, the kids will only end up missing the unproven theory about how the Philippines was unpopulated before the Negritos, Malays, and Proto-austronesians arrived in sequence and started making babies. /rant

It doesn't really matter what kind of religion do or don't believe in. If you're going to be an asshole about other people's beliefs, you ARE an asshole and that's the bottom line of it. People won't change beliefs just because of reposted stuff you found on the net, so the best you can do is respect and learn to coexist.

Misread Maria Orosa Street as Maria Ozawa Street. My brain went "Do we name streets after AV stars now? Is that why we have North Ave?" #berde

Pag ako nagkaanak gusto ko sya pangalanan ng "Simbang Gabi" para minsan sa buhay ko masabi ko na nakabuo naman ako kahit isa.

Taena. Saludo ako kay Noli. Nobody can report about elves, ghosts, and other folklore with a serious tone for many years and still retain enough credibility to run and win vice presidency AND go back to reporting evening news.

YOLO: You only langgas once.

Going by the literal sense, aren't all killings extrajudicial?

Getting what you want is never as important as who you became in trying to get it.

The problem with writing contemporary comedy is that 30 years from now nobody will know what the hell we're talking about, and even worse, why it's hilarious. In the same way I raise an eyebrow when I read about jokes on the Iran-Contra war and Henry Kissinger, people will one day read stuff online, look at the accompanying picture and go "Who is Miriam Defensor Santiago and why does she .. OMG HAHAHAHA" Nevermind. You get my point but I'm sure there are better examples out there.

If we're to believe people's vanity license plates, our country is now #1 in the worldwide rankings of population to prosecutor/policeman ratio . I for one am happy that we have so many people dedicated to catching criminals.

Woke up with a headache, been feeling dizzy the entire day, almost threw up my lunch. Now trying to recall whether it's something I ate or whether it's a case of accidental Justin Bieber music video exposure.

It maybe possible that the best thing you can give your future kid now is a private childhood.

Love exists above any status message, above any trend. Love knows now social network. That's why you can press a button to like something, but can't love in one click.

Old age is a function of how many people you know who are still in college for the first time. Unless you happen to be a doctor, or something.

As manly as you can, use "tarush" (tah-roosh) in a sentence.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, usually before the elections.

Kasama sa life skills na sa school mo lang matututunan ang pagconvert ng Intermediate paper to crosswise, lengthwise, at 1/4th na hindi gumagamit ng gunting o laway (ew) in under 10 seconds.

Close friends? What's next Facebook? BFFs? Super friend friends? Superdupersecretclub friends?

The only good presidency is the one that's happened so long ago that nobody remembers how horrible it actually was.

With half the effort of convincing robbers to lay down their arms out of guilt, you can convince them to just start shooting each other until you only have one or none to deal with. If the entire government is corrupt, you don't solve it by sitting down and waiting for everybody to just turn good. You shoot one, make an example, and tell the rest that the others are out to get them.

If a person conducts herself in a highly unprofessional manner, shouting at people, and spewing bad words to drive a point. At the office: "What an unrefined [insert derogatory word here]. I hope she chokes on a staple wire." At the Senate: "OMG <3 br="br" hihihi="hihihi" i="i" love="love" miriam="miriam" much="much" so="so" teh="teh">
Remember a decade ago when 11 senators blocked the opening of the second envelope and then half of the country went insane and took to the streets and swore up and down that these 11 senators including Santiago, Enrile, Sotto, and Honasan, will never ever ever cross us again? That was pretty hilarious.

Glee technically counts as a songfic, right?

I don't get what the fuss is all about. Every other year there's a Filipino in American Idol's final few and we're still frustrated. Put it into perspective and ask yourself, when was the last time there was an American in Talentadong Pinoy and/or Pinoy Wrestling?

Hey I just met you // and this is crazy // so here's my wallet // don't stab me maybe?

When somebody uses "charming" to describe they usually mean "obviously horrible, but I can't really say it out loud".

Dear media people, can we stop using the term "IT expert"? Nobody in the IT industry uses that term because there is no one expert of everything in IT. If that term were to be applied in medical practice, it's like a pedianeuropsychocardioncorenalpodiagynecologist title. Anybody who uses that in their resumes aren't assumed to be experts. They're assumed to be mentally ill.

Jethro I'll don't get how Filipinos can defend Scarborough Shoal by saying it's ours because it's near and then go on to claim Jessica Sanchez on the other side of the world.

There is no "big fish swimming in a small pond" anymore. You have talent but if you look around the internet for 5 minutes you will realize, you are not the best. You will never be the best. Somebody's always the bigger fish. But knowing that you know what's the best thing to do? Just let go and learn how to enjoy swimming.

Corona does not own China as previously alleged. Corona's daughter owns it as well, bought by her salary as a physical therapist in the US.

At the rate things are going, before the year ends, the Scarborough shoal will have a new owner: Corona's daughter.

Sa sobrang dami na nyang pinaaral, pwede na syang maging tax exempt.

Getting there will only be half the fun if you do get there eventually.

Beats by Dr. D..Raymart. (on Tulfo's airport beatdown)

False impressions last.

My annual physical examination results came out. The nurse told me I had pre-hypertension. I told her, "It better be because I certainly ain't paying for it."

On the other hand, if reincarnation is indeed true, you'd probably have to go through circumcision more than once.

The Avengers exposes the greatest threat that mankind is facing today: Special Effects.

Filipinos just can't get nuff of politics porn.

It's hard to be nostalgic with Johnny Walker. Half of the time I drank the damn thing, I couldn't remember anything.

I think it's safe to say that the most poorly thought out signage I've seen this year is the St. Luke's Hospital Global City signboard with a big H on it along Lacson Ave, 30km away from the actual hospital and pointing away from UST's hospital a few hundred meters away. It screams "Attention! World class health service half a city away. You'd be dead on arrival - with style."

Ano kayang maiisip ni Manuel Quezon pag nalaman nya na isa sa kanyang legacy eh yung tanong na "Ano ang English ng 'Pangilang Presidente si Manuel Quezon?'"

Every time somebody says "dafuq", a faerie grabs a .45 and shoots herself in the pancreas. Think of the faeries. Think of the pancreas.

Kapag may binili ka na pambatang laruan na na ayaw mong aminin na sayo talaga, sinasabi mo "para lang sa pamangkin ko yan". Pero hindi pwede yung parehong palusot na yun pag meron kang girlalu na underaged. :D

If we put the funds used for "bullshit pre-election road renovations" into building better roads in the barrios, we'd probably have asphalted every road in the country twice over by the next administration.

The internet is quite possibly the greatest proof that democracy might not be a very good idea.
Everybody's just going bananas over the NoKor rocket launch. Let's send them something they'd go insane about too. Like Kuh Ledesma. 

Six Years Ago, This Happened

Monday, June 18, 2012

If That's Not The Case, Take Me For Me

Funny how life has a way of going full circle.

Purely Objective

Thursday, June 14, 2012

On a purely objective matter, if you really wanted society to stop doing something bad for their health, you'd encourage as many people to do it as possible and then stop trying to convince these people to change ways. This is to ensure that when the complications kick in, more people from the next generation will realize how horrible it is first hand. Because really, who do you listen to, somebody in their deathbed or somebody who's alive and kicking and says "don't do it, it'll be hard to quit"?

10 Klase ng Pinoy sa Videoke

Monday, June 11, 2012

Mahilig ang mga Pinoy sa Videoke. Understatement pa siguro yun kasi pag nagkayayaan na ng videoke, parang mga asong unti unting nauulol ang mga Pinoy. Ang listahang ito ay naglalaman ng  mga pinoy na madalas na makakasama mo sa videoke sa ayaw mo man o gusto. 
Kapitan Basa - Eto yung tao na laging hawak yung song book pero hindi naman pumipili. Di makapagdecide,  daig pa ang hukom na manghahatol sa rapist. Hindi mo alam kung pihikan lang talaga sya, o nagpapanggap lang syang marunong bumasa. Iniisaisa nya yung mga kanta at artist, pati na yung mga Chinese at Korean listings habang sobrang seryoso ang mukha, aakalain mo na may exam pagkatapos at kailangan saulado nya ang buong libro.

"Sige lang. Mamaya ako" - May phobia yata sa pagkanta, pero ayaw umamin kaya daig pa ang mga anti-RH bill senators sa dami ng delaying tactics. Hindi mo alam kung anong hinahantay nya, ang pagkakataon na makakanta sya nang hindi nahihiya, o ang ikalawang pagdating ni Jesus.

Dodong/Bebang Sawi - Sya yung tipo na puro pang sawimpalad, heartbroken, inapi, at bitter na mga kanta lang ang pinipili. Para syang ipinaglihi sa mga soap opera ni Judy Ann Santos.

Multitasker - Kumakanta habang pumipili ng susunod na kanta habang pumoposing para sa kodak moment at may nguyanguya na pagkain. Sa dami ng sabay sabay na ginagawa ni multitasker iisipin mo na mamamatay na sya bukas at kailangan nyang sulitin ang kanyang nalalabing oras.

Funeraria Jose - Kung may iisang kasalanan man si Funeraria Jose, yun ay ang ipanganak na may boses na naturally depressing. Wapakels kung ano man ang kinakanta nya, sigurado ang kalalabasan nun ay malungkot. Kahit Happy Birthday To You kaya nyang kantahin na parang tugtog sa karo. Pag kumanta sya ng My Way, hindi sya ang mamamatay, yung mga nakapaligid s kanya ang magpapakamatay dahil sa depression.

Nacho King - Ang normal na tao, pag pumunta sa videoke, kumakanta, nakikinig at pag napagod, kumakain at umiinom. Si Nacho King, puntirya lang nya kung ano man ang pagkain na nakahanda. Habang todo birit ang kanyang mga kasama, todo lamon naman ang main event nya. Siguro galing sya sa refugee camp at ngayon lang sya ulit nakatikim ng makunat na nacho.

Chuwariwap - Dalawa ang mic sa mga videoke kadalasan dahil may mga kanta na mas masaya iduet. Pero dahil ang gusto ni Chuwariwap dapat laging masaya, lahat din ng kanta dinuduetan nya. Kahit di nya alam. Kahit katunog ng aksidente sa highway ang kanyang boses. Pag nakasabay mo sya, iisipin mo basag yung mic, may sira ang sound system, at may sumuntok sa iyong tenga.

Boy Pitik - Eto ata ung taong allergic sa song book. Habang masipag na namimili yung mga kasama nya ng mga gusto nilang kantahin, si Boy Pitik naman, abala sa pagpili ng kakantahin sa mga pinagpilian na ng mga kasama nya. Pag may nagustuhan sya na kanta, aagawin na nya ang mic, ang kanta, at ang pagkakataon mo na ipahiya ang sarili mo.

Technician - Taong di makuntento na maupo lang at kumanta. Kailangan lahat ng settings ng videoke machine eh kinakatikot. Akala mo tuloy anlaki ng igaganda ng boses nya pag "optimal" na yung setting ng reverb at volume. Makulit man sa simula, tumatahimik din sya pagkatapos nyang makuryente ka gagalaw ng mga buttons at wiring.

For Export - Yung mga kasamang ganito siguro ang dahilan kung bakit maliit lang ang mga bintana ng mga rooms ng karamihan sa videoke bars sa bansa. Lahat ng performance level niya ay agaw buhay, at parang sinasapian ng kaluluwa ni Mystika. Sa sobrang dami ng kembot, hataw, at split, pwede mo na syang iexport as Japan para magJapayuki.

Runners up:

"Pare Ko" Guy - Sya yung parang ang trip lang sa buhay eh piliin yung "Pare Ko" na kanta, at kantahin yung parte na "Di ba, tang-*#@$*&$! Nagmukha akong tanga!"  ng sobrang lutong, feeling mo eh yun lang ang legal na venue  kung saan sya pwedeng magmura. 

A Counter-Offer to CJ Renato Corona's Proposal

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Last Tuesday, Chief Justice Corona has finally appeared in the senate to testify, if testify meant deliverying an opening statement which is almost as long, predictable, and butt-cringingly artificial as that godawful movie Eat Pray Love, and then walking away before the actual testifying part. That'd be like Lady Gaga having a concert, make a speech about how she's all for gay things, and then leave the stage after three hours, completely forgetting that she's famous not for being the rallying point of the fabulously liberal, but for singing songs.

Three hours of Julia Robert doing nothing important and wasting your time

Before the end of his speech however, Renato Corona said he will sign waivers to open his hidden magical stash if 189 other people would sign it. Imagine if this sort of bullshit applied to a rape case, in which case the accused rapist will only provide a semen sample on the condition that he will do it in public, in front of the judge, and if everybody inside the courtroom will join him in jacking off. And we're going to let the Chief Justice get away with this?

That's just wrong. Like, courthouse-full-of-ejaculation wrong.

I have a counter proposal. Let's propose that we'll end the impeachment trial. CJ Corona will get to retain his position as Chief Justice for until he can retain the position. That's what he wants afterall right? In exchange, we'll just ask him to waive his basic right to defend and avenge his nuts from being punched by any taxpayer that comes across him anywhere.

Bust a nut with this deal. Literally.

It's a pretty fair deal. That way, he can go screw this country as much as he wants, but he won't be screwing pretty much anything else lest his manpiece falls off during intercourse.

Imagine if that agreement would take place. Corona can, for example, rule that expresident Arroyo can travel abroad, say the seventh circle of hell to consult with Satan, even though she's not supposed to since she's on trial. We can, in return, go visit the supreme court and give his family jewels a good fistbump or two. The next time Corona does that, he will start reconsidering how important Arroyo is compared to being able to walk without holding his nutsacks in a  styrofoam cup filled with ice.

And I assume that will also kill the protests. How exactly can you remain angry a man who just got punched in the nuts 637,244 times in a single morning? You just don't. Any guy who sees another guy get punched in the nuts will definitely laugh the first few hundred times, but after a thousand? You'll just start feeling for the guy. No more prostests. Prostate, maybe. But no more protests.

At least until he starts doing stupid shit again.

Then the nut punching cycle begins again.

Will it be worth it? Totally.

China Vs. Corona

Friday, May 11, 2012

Last Sunday we were treated to a celebrity showdown that's normally reserved for what-if debates that occur six-bottles deep into a Friday-night drinking session. I imagine the starting question would be like: If Raymart Santiago fought Mon Tulfo, how long would it take before Gloria Diaz walks in on the set and becomes bedridden so they'd be forced to make up and become friends again in the name of Filipino movie values to the tune of a knocked-off dramatic Hollywood soundtrack? 

pictured: (left) Raymart,about to haul ass. 
(right) Ass in question to be hauled

Well apparently there's Red Horse where Fate hangs out because that's just what Fate made happen at NAIA 3, minus the Gloria Diaz part (well it hasn't happened so far, but it still could so I am not completely wrong - yet)

A few hundred miles away, another showdown was happening, with our brave fishermen and coastguard playing patigasan ng itlog with our counterparts along the Scarborough Shoal. Admittedly, it's like we're the Mon Tulfo of this showdown, with our boats outnumbered fifteen to one. And I assume, on one of their boats, there's also a class-A pirated version of the pink dude that smacked Tulfo like a red-headed stepchild in his now immortalized NAIA scandal video. Bottomline? We just can't win that one with our current resources.

NAIA scandal: better than the Mahal/Mura Shower Scanadal,
infinitely worse than Hayden Kho's Absolute Mineral Water scandal.  

But then again, on a completely different field, we have another battle yet going on, which is indirectly between Chief Justice Renato Corona who could probably sink the entire Chinese fleet by the sheer weight of his dollar accounts, and President Aquino, who has enough clearing space on his forehead to have it converted into a makeshift runway for our antiquated airforce jets. There's no clear winner just yet, as Corona's proving to be the dodgiest sunnovabitch we've seen being impeached. So much so that everybody looks at the previously for-impeachment exPresident Estrada and says "We're sorry. You're not the biggest asshole around anymore. As an apology, we will let you run against Mayor Lim for Manila. If you can beat jailtime then sure as hell you can beat a walking corpse."

Pic not related: Erap's FuckyouArroyoMobile. It runs on Jueteng Money.

Going back to our Chief Justice, I say let's use his powers. We'll have Andrew Tan of Megaworld sell the entire fucking Scarborough Shoal to him at a discount like his Penthouse, for like maybe 500 bucks because of "storm damage". If he doesn't agree at once, we'll embroil him first in a scandal and then bribe him with it, because he'll only accept it if it's dirty. By next year, it'll be in his SALN, and the prosecution will report it 10x via

I don't expect China to take this sitting down of course. Realizing they have been beaten to the race for squandering by an even more nefarious squanderer, they'll take it to court, wherein Serafin Cuevas will gladly declare that the islands aren't actually Corona's but in fact it's his daughters, who happens to be a physical therapist in the US who bought the islands and apparently half of China,and paid for it with her money. And for some reason everybody will lap it up like it's true, because hey, testimony.

Caption: Cross me and I will expand your asshole to this size
so I can insult you from inside your rectum.

And the rest will be history, like literally, the proceedings will be embroiled in so much bullshit and nonsensical rantings of International Judge Miriam Santiago that it will take ten years just to get past initial pleading. A hundred years later, archeologists will dig through the fossilized bullshit and see the case never finished, the islands never turned over to China, and Judge-Senator Enrile preserved, looking not a single day older. By then China would've given up and start claiming some other island nation instead, like the Bahamas. We. Can. Win. This. 

 Tonight's closing statement: 
The fate of the world is now a race between who gets to claim ownership on everything first: China or Corona's daughter.

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