10 Ways to Fix Manila's Bankruptcy

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

News came out this week that our venerably senile Mayor Fred Lim and his former-partner-turned-enemy-just-like-in-the-movies Vice Mayor Isko Moreno have driven Manila so deep in debt that we citizens would sooner drown in loanshark interest rates than floodwaters. If you ask me, that's just Manila's hire a ghost program coming back to haunt us. Now we have ghosts of ghosts employees on the payroll, and there are people who can't wait to die so they can get hired by the City Hall to start collecting bogus salaries.

I could rant all day, but that's not really what this article is about. We're always into the whole positive spin of things so instead, we'll propose ways to help the government of Manila earn back our debts.

10. Sell all those extra stop lights in front of La Salle. There's like five of them even though Taft has only two roads intersecting in that stretch. Piecemeal, the red lights can be sold to Pasay's patay-sindi districts.

9. Put Isko Moreno to work in the streets again.

8. Tax the bar damage of countless KTV-style whorehouses in Malate/Ermita. We'll call it "Dirty Harry's Dirty Tax"

7. Rename Rizal Park to Globe Jollibee Coca-cola Sarao Park. We've bastardized the place enough so selling out the name is just a drop of canola in the middle of an oilspill.

6. Do "Bourne Legacy" walking tours. Rachel Weisz once sat on one of the benches in Rizal Park. Like, a friend of a friend who used to date this guy who passed by the place told me. True story.

5. Start collecting parking fees for assholes who can afford a car but not a garage and park on the side of the road.

4. Return the Manila Bay Promenade. As a second incentive, I heard standup comedian dragqueen acts  can act as a barrier for storm surges.

3. Start collecting swimming tickets for when the Quiapo and Lagusnilad underpasses flood.

2. Invade the neighboring district of Pasay.

1. Include a "Dampa"-style restaurant in Manila Ocean Park. If a fish doesn't attract enough attention, cook it to set an example. Before you know it,we'll have fish that can do tight rope walking, breathe fire, and eat swords.

Seriously though, fuck Mayor Lim, Isko Moreno, and everybody involved in running what is easily one of the most financially rich districts in NCR deep into the ground. 

Massive Facebook Status Update Dump

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Okay, so I haven't updated this blog in a long time. The reason for it is that I'm still writing about my trip to Coron early last month. It's becoming Novel-ish. Minus the plot. Or the interesting characters. But I assure you it has lots of mentions of fish. And Koreans. Meanwhile, here's my quote dump from April until Today.

I think there'd be far less wastage of tissue paper if people know what went on in making them. Every restaurant should have a tree in the middle and whenever somebody asks for tissue, you hand them an axe and a mortar and pestle.

Dapat ata yung mga initiation ng frat, gawin na lang pagkain ng marshmallow. That way, if anybody dies from frat initiations, it'll be a festive headline. "Frat member, patay dahil kumain ng maraming maraming marshmallow."

what they dont tell you about vertigo is that if you time the spinning just right, it cancels out the earths revolution. and for a few fleeting moments the world stops spinning

Raffy Tulfo: "Sunugin nyo na lang yung mga effigy. Yung effigy ni PNoy, sunugin nyo. Yung effigy ni Binay, sunugin nyo." *long awkward silence* "Kung pwede lang naman."

If there's bekimon, should straight guys have their own lingo? Let's call it testimon.

Remember how they sold APEC to us back in '96? We'll get to enjoy imported stuff while our products get to be sold abroad. It'll be fun they said. It'll be good for us they said. Well thanks to APEC, Humpy Dumpy is gone forever - lost to competition by less repulsive chips like doritos and piknik. Was it worth it? Kids will grow up never knowing what its like to lose a friend by just opening a bag of chips. That's lost now.

Makakayanan mo ba kumain ng balot na gawa sa itlog ng ostrich?

Some dreams I call Zamboni dreams, because to have your own zamboni, you'd have to have your own rink, and to have your own rink you'd have to have a place large enough for a rink.

I bet every time Cebu Pacific hosts a seat sale the manananggals go "meh."

Why do we still call it dialing? I can't remember the last time I held a phone that had actual dials in it.

Pigs are not eaten in the Middle East while cows are not eaten in India. Makes me feel sad for the chicken, who has no safe zone.

I sometimes think we should be teaching history backwards so we don't have kids who know who Lapulapu is but don't know why the ARMM exists. At the start of the year, we should start with current events and work our way backwards, towards the more inaccurate accounts of history written by foreigners. That way, even if teachers run out of time at the end of the year and start rushing the curriculum, the kids will only end up missing the unproven theory about how the Philippines was unpopulated before the Negritos, Malays, and Proto-austronesians arrived in sequence and started making babies. /rant

It doesn't really matter what kind of religion do or don't believe in. If you're going to be an asshole about other people's beliefs, you ARE an asshole and that's the bottom line of it. People won't change beliefs just because of reposted stuff you found on the net, so the best you can do is respect and learn to coexist.

Misread Maria Orosa Street as Maria Ozawa Street. My brain went "Do we name streets after AV stars now? Is that why we have North Ave?" #berde

Pag ako nagkaanak gusto ko sya pangalanan ng "Simbang Gabi" para minsan sa buhay ko masabi ko na nakabuo naman ako kahit isa.

Taena. Saludo ako kay Noli. Nobody can report about elves, ghosts, and other folklore with a serious tone for many years and still retain enough credibility to run and win vice presidency AND go back to reporting evening news.

YOLO: You only langgas once.

Going by the literal sense, aren't all killings extrajudicial?

Getting what you want is never as important as who you became in trying to get it.

The problem with writing contemporary comedy is that 30 years from now nobody will know what the hell we're talking about, and even worse, why it's hilarious. In the same way I raise an eyebrow when I read about jokes on the Iran-Contra war and Henry Kissinger, people will one day read stuff online, look at the accompanying picture and go "Who is Miriam Defensor Santiago and why does she .. OMG HAHAHAHA" Nevermind. You get my point but I'm sure there are better examples out there.

If we're to believe people's vanity license plates, our country is now #1 in the worldwide rankings of population to prosecutor/policeman ratio . I for one am happy that we have so many people dedicated to catching criminals.

Woke up with a headache, been feeling dizzy the entire day, almost threw up my lunch. Now trying to recall whether it's something I ate or whether it's a case of accidental Justin Bieber music video exposure.

It maybe possible that the best thing you can give your future kid now is a private childhood.

Love exists above any status message, above any trend. Love knows now social network. That's why you can press a button to like something, but can't love in one click.

Old age is a function of how many people you know who are still in college for the first time. Unless you happen to be a doctor, or something.

As manly as you can, use "tarush" (tah-roosh) in a sentence.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, usually before the elections.

Kasama sa life skills na sa school mo lang matututunan ang pagconvert ng Intermediate paper to crosswise, lengthwise, at 1/4th na hindi gumagamit ng gunting o laway (ew) in under 10 seconds.

Close friends? What's next Facebook? BFFs? Super friend friends? Superdupersecretclub friends?

The only good presidency is the one that's happened so long ago that nobody remembers how horrible it actually was.

With half the effort of convincing robbers to lay down their arms out of guilt, you can convince them to just start shooting each other until you only have one or none to deal with. If the entire government is corrupt, you don't solve it by sitting down and waiting for everybody to just turn good. You shoot one, make an example, and tell the rest that the others are out to get them.

If a person conducts herself in a highly unprofessional manner, shouting at people, and spewing bad words to drive a point. At the office: "What an unrefined [insert derogatory word here]. I hope she chokes on a staple wire." At the Senate: "OMG <3 br="br" hihihi="hihihi" i="i" love="love" miriam="miriam" much="much" so="so" teh="teh">
Remember a decade ago when 11 senators blocked the opening of the second envelope and then half of the country went insane and took to the streets and swore up and down that these 11 senators including Santiago, Enrile, Sotto, and Honasan, will never ever ever cross us again? That was pretty hilarious.

Glee technically counts as a songfic, right?

I don't get what the fuss is all about. Every other year there's a Filipino in American Idol's final few and we're still frustrated. Put it into perspective and ask yourself, when was the last time there was an American in Talentadong Pinoy and/or Pinoy Wrestling?

Hey I just met you // and this is crazy // so here's my wallet // don't stab me maybe?

When somebody uses "charming" to describe they usually mean "obviously horrible, but I can't really say it out loud".

Dear media people, can we stop using the term "IT expert"? Nobody in the IT industry uses that term because there is no one expert of everything in IT. If that term were to be applied in medical practice, it's like a pedianeuropsychocardioncorenalpodiagynecologist title. Anybody who uses that in their resumes aren't assumed to be experts. They're assumed to be mentally ill.

Jethro I'll don't get how Filipinos can defend Scarborough Shoal by saying it's ours because it's near and then go on to claim Jessica Sanchez on the other side of the world.

There is no "big fish swimming in a small pond" anymore. You have talent but if you look around the internet for 5 minutes you will realize, you are not the best. You will never be the best. Somebody's always the bigger fish. But knowing that you know what's the best thing to do? Just let go and learn how to enjoy swimming.

Corona does not own China as previously alleged. Corona's daughter owns it as well, bought by her salary as a physical therapist in the US.

At the rate things are going, before the year ends, the Scarborough shoal will have a new owner: Corona's daughter.

Sa sobrang dami na nyang pinaaral, pwede na syang maging tax exempt.

Getting there will only be half the fun if you do get there eventually.

Beats by Dr. D..Raymart. (on Tulfo's airport beatdown)

False impressions last.

My annual physical examination results came out. The nurse told me I had pre-hypertension. I told her, "It better be because I certainly ain't paying for it."

On the other hand, if reincarnation is indeed true, you'd probably have to go through circumcision more than once.

The Avengers exposes the greatest threat that mankind is facing today: Special Effects.

Filipinos just can't get nuff of politics porn.

It's hard to be nostalgic with Johnny Walker. Half of the time I drank the damn thing, I couldn't remember anything.

I think it's safe to say that the most poorly thought out signage I've seen this year is the St. Luke's Hospital Global City signboard with a big H on it along Lacson Ave, 30km away from the actual hospital and pointing away from UST's hospital a few hundred meters away. It screams "Attention! World class health service half a city away. You'd be dead on arrival - with style."

Ano kayang maiisip ni Manuel Quezon pag nalaman nya na isa sa kanyang legacy eh yung tanong na "Ano ang English ng 'Pangilang Presidente si Manuel Quezon?'"

Every time somebody says "dafuq", a faerie grabs a .45 and shoots herself in the pancreas. Think of the faeries. Think of the pancreas.

Kapag may binili ka na pambatang laruan na na ayaw mong aminin na sayo talaga, sinasabi mo "para lang sa pamangkin ko yan". Pero hindi pwede yung parehong palusot na yun pag meron kang girlalu na underaged. :D

If we put the funds used for "bullshit pre-election road renovations" into building better roads in the barrios, we'd probably have asphalted every road in the country twice over by the next administration.

The internet is quite possibly the greatest proof that democracy might not be a very good idea.
Everybody's just going bananas over the NoKor rocket launch. Let's send them something they'd go insane about too. Like Kuh Ledesma. 

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