The Ultimate Reality TV Show

Japanese people think of the weirdest shit. From birthing the first commercial mascot derived from bacteria many many years ago (Shirota Strain character of Yakult) to producing lap pillows that simulate sleeping using a woman's thighs as cushion (see picture) to introducing the amazing weirdness that is the talking toilet (so you dont have to have somebody on the next cubicle yammering about what he ate), no other country has provided constant weirdness in a volume enough to satisfy the world's annual requirement three times over.

And the rest of the world just have to follow suit to be able to compete. In this aspect, the Japanese have been constant revolutionaries, pioneers ahead of their time.

Take television shows for example. Back in the mid 80's the gameshows Americans had on TV concerned them themselves with spinning wheels, guessing letters, and oh yes the extreme sport of guessing how much a commodity costs with enough adrenaline to make a seasoned sailor wet his pants faster than a sexually-transmitted disease.

Not.

It was all indoor games and shit for the rest of the world during the eighties.

And Japan?

Fuck that. They were so far ahead with their televised weirdness, while we were watching people in suits, they were ruling over reality TV already. For all the weirdness of the Japanese, they have produced what could easily be the father of all reality TV shows (who probably didnt father the rest that came after it but could be called so for the sake of argument nonetheless).

What am I talking about?

Oh come one. Cut the shit. You know it.

TAKESHI'S CASTLE!

Oh yeah!! Now we're connecting eh pendejo? I remember it like it was yesterday. IBC-13 would show Takeshi's Castle and I wouldn't miss and episode of it for a funeral (we even watched it during grandmother's wake) interrupted only by Sakanami Fish Snacks and Snaku! Commercials. I still love Snacku for it's association with shows I loved as a kid - God I hate genius marketers.

Anyway, I think it was after watching my first episode that I learned what I wanted to do in life: Make people go through shit only to have them shot by my overpowered tank towards the end of their struggles. Then I make fireworks shoot out of my unconquered castle just to spite anybody who dreamed to win. Damn, my dreams ruled when I was kid.

See, that's whats cool about Takeshi's castle. Unlike sports or those TV game shows where somebody always wins no matter how stupid the contestants get, Takeshi, Ishikura and the rest of the badass TC crew are not interested in fairplay and shit like that. All they needed to do was make somebody win against odds and tell the rest "if he can do it, it should be fair enough for the rest of you."

So what you get every episode is 100 contestants who try to kick takeshi ass only to get whooped 96% of the time (I mean, when was the last time you saw somebody win?) I saw one person actually destroy the paper target of takeshi once. But he had to climb out of his tank just to be able to destroy it. He got disqualifed and still didnt win.

The odds of winning the contest is more or less equivalent to taking a shit and seeing feces that looks like Tom Jones - which is to my knowledge damn near impossible (since no shit is ever shitty enough for that musician).

So there's got a problem there right? I mean what good is a contest where nobody wins? Easy. It's a lot like Nascar with circular tracks (like the Taladega super highway track) the contest itself is so boring the only reason people watch it is to wait for cars to crash so they can yell "I'm glad I'm not in that twisted piece of metal shit!" and not actually care about who won. It's the Jerry Springer Talkshow equivalent of sports.

*ahem*

For Takeshi's castle hardly anybody ever wins. But that's the thing. To the Japanese, winning isnt everything. In fact, winning isnt even important. SEEING PEOPLE GET FUCKED (figuratively) ON CAMERA IS. It's the entertainment value. Winning begets envy. Envy is not fun. Seeing people get hosed down, shot, trampled, beaten up by 9 foot tall giants is fun.

You get 100 people getting screwed over for an hour every week. That's slightly more entertainment than a 7 president battle royale (and only if theyre doing it in sumo outfits across 5 colored rings).

That's why everytime I watch reality TV nowadays, I just look back to the glorious days of Takeshi's Castle and say, "this challenge would've been a lot more entertaining with plastic cannonballs being shot at the contestants while crossing a shit narrow suspension bridge with no balancers". When the bar of excellence has been raised so early in life, other shows living up to the challenge becomes a futile exercise.

Bring back television shows that rule so we dont end up raising pussies for children who turn emo like good bread growing stale.

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And I know you're feeling mighty nostalgic right now so I brought a surprise for you. It's a scene from the magical fairy pond where rocks magically attached themselves to groins and chins like magnet.







God I missed this. I think it's time I got back on track to my real dream. I want my own castle my own tank and lots and lots of people to screw over just because they cling on to a faint glimmer of hope.

Ikeee~!