Terrorism and Alcohol

I was sitting on the couch in front of the TV watching random chinese variety shows when I got to thinking about world peace, mainly because I'm heroic like that. Also, because I was getting tired of switching to BBC and CNN and always seeing any of three things:

- Dead People
- Bush/Rice/Blair in front of a mic looking like douchebags
- mud huts being blown up.

Why do they even bother using large ordinance bombs to destroy those things anyway? When I was a kid I just used a pail of water to destroy anything made of mud. Screw the Israeli Defense Force bombings, get Jack and Jill rolling. A pail of water will get shit stirring there like a priest in preschool.

Anyway so there I was thinking. Thinking. Why are these people fighting? I thought about the expats and how they can always think of all the things that could cause the problems of Filipinos. Maybe, just maybe, because I'm from another timezone, I can also do that to people I dont know, or care about for that matter and solve the damn problem like my self-righteous pricks-for-idols from America.

So I started building my road to peace.

First what's the problem? Arabs all mad and shit because they feel theyre being oppressed by both Israel and its western Allies. (I'm not saying theyre not). So they strap shit that blow up on themselves and go cornholio on the jews. That ain't right!

I get mad sometimes too but I dont think you can get me mad (read: stupid crazy) enough to blow myself up. Why?

Is it because I'm Christian? No. Remember the Ku Klux Klan White Supremacist bitches are supposed to be Christian too but they're just as crazy.

Is it because I'm Filipino? No. Remember the time somebody tried to take the NAIA Control Towers and threatened to blow it up without any real reason? Those crazy assholes were ready to blow themselves up too.

What do I have that the angry arabs dont? Pork? I'm sure they're better off not eating cholesterol-power-bombs. They're already that mad and they havent even got hypertension yet. I'm thinking pork + angry arabs + radical islam = END OF THE WORLD.

Ah! Then I finally have thought of it. The solution to all the problems in the middle east.

ALCOHOL.

Rememeber that it is a rule of Islam to not take any spirits because it's evil. On the other hand, I have a rule to not refuse any offered alcohol because it's rude. Think about it.

If I have problems, I drown it with a case of beer then I get wasted. I don't think I'll be able to blow any shit up when I'm Gin Bulag*. Hell, I'd be lucky if I don't blow my gastric load just trying to get off my seat. The following morning, I wake up with a really bad hangover, I'd be feeling too bad to think of anything bad.

Conversewise, think of the middle east where it's fucking hot and pederasty (anal sex between men) is legal. You live in a mudhut with 12 relatives who are named like each other and you bet your sandy ass not everybody will be able to wash more than twice a week.

Then you dont even have alcohol.

Thinking between being group roasted with my family like lechon manok**, stinking like hell, without a drop of alcohol in years, running around with explosives in my hand wouldn't be such a bad idea. In fact, running around wearing only explosives to cover your ass sounds mighty cool.

So now it all makes sense. These people just need beer. If they had their own saint (e.g. San Miguel, Ginebra) They'd probably not be as ornery too. The worst they can ever do is have a bar brawl, in which case, CNN doesnt need to be there. Unless it's Sharon and one of Arafat's children doing it because, fuck, Sharon is supposed to be comatose aleady. I can tell the odds will be bad for him.

I say instead of showering them with bombs or pails of water, throw in kegs of beer and beer-making equipment. The beer will introduce them to what it means to be fuck wasted and the beer-making will be for what George Bush refers to as "long term solutions".

If angry teenagers had those things, they'd be making Pales instead of Whachamakalita rockets that rarely hit anything they're not aiming for anyway. Make beer and it will always be a sure hit (In Filipino, lakas tama) Viva la alcoholismo!

Drunk people may not always be happy people, but they sure will be incapable of doing big shit while in a tipsy state. I mean, when was the last time there was news of a drunk ass person hijacking anything or blowing himself up? None.

No more coordinated violence = peace.

So there you have it. I should be part of UN Security Council.

Scratch that.

I should be the UN Security Council.

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(*blackout drunk from drinking)
(**road-roasted chicken)
(Inspired by Scott Adam's thoughts on Airconditioning and Radical Thinking)