A Humble Proposal

Monday, April 30, 2007

This is a most humble proposal to change our national hero. I move that we select Wengweng, "Agent 00" instead for the following reasons:

- Wengweng has a real job, unlike some national heroes we know. And he's a security guard too. I mean, how patriotic is that? Surely more than a guy who studys to be a doctor and only cures his mother.

- Wengweng does not loaf around abroad while thinking about politics in his homeland. Wengweng thinks about going abroad while killing politicians in his homeland.

- Wengweng is actually the most popular Filipino in the internet and he banks on positive greatness (the iLoveYou virus guy is a douche, don't even get me started)

- Wengweng doesn't drink.

- He likes coke but you don't see him doing commercials about it by singing. Wengweng is not a sellout.

- Wengweng knows how to ride a mini motorcycle. How many heroes have you seen riding one? Only Wengweng.

- Wengweng goes to church.

- In case of war, Wengweng can repopulate our nation very quickly.

- Wengweng fits in any standard-size overhead storage bin on any aircraft.

- There's documented evidence that Wengweng can kill samurais.

- Wengweng has his own rap.

Thank you, Weng Weng for reassuring the world's stereotype of Filipinos as sophisticated killers, darling lovers, and men with small penises.

p.s. No, you're not the only one thinking - dude that guy's a pedophile from the last pool scene of the clip.

Random Chat

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Talking to this girl is like playing tennis against a wall. You can't win unless you change the rules of a game. She's cool like that. (p.s. I am not emo)

redkinoko: can't sleep again.
Fat Kat: shabu?
redkinoko: psychological.
Fat Kat: [sighs] okay, spill it
redkinoko: next time, start charging per hour
Fat Kat: and he digs his own grave
redkinoko kk, here goes.
redkinoko: I know I'm supposed to be happy about everything right now with my life but for some reason I'm sad.
redkinoko: remember the time I was fucking down with [edited]?
Fat Kat: u kinda took everybody along with u for the ride so yes
redkinoko: feels like that now
Fat Kat: u dont even have a gf. go emo on me and ill cut u myself
redkinoko: pretend to be my gf so all will be well
Fat Kat: Pretend u're remotely bedworthy and we have a deal
redkinoko: I have a pillow where my abs should be. im all sheraton.
Fat Kat: cute. unfortunately only ur jokes
redkinoko: hence pretend.
Fat Kat: i have poor imagination
redkinoko: And taste, as I recall.
Fat Kat: if i hook up with u ill pretend i dont
Fat Kat: ill have to!
redkinoko: Fine.
Fat Kat: wow. this early too? u really are troubled
redkinoko: the giddyness is gone.
Fat Kat: and he runs out of medicine
redkinoko: thanks for the laugh though.
Fat Kat: thats me
Fat Kat: laughing stock
redkinoko: hey, earlier status:
redkinoko: "and then i realize, just because I want you to be happy doesn't mean I have to be sad. We'll get ours at the same time"
Fat Kat: is this about your impotence and masturbating?
redkinoko: t('-'t)
Fat Kat: hahahaha
Fat Kat: its good
redkinoko: thanks. i made it just this evening.
Fat Kat: u know, you really can be happy while being my slave
Fat Kat: phil does it
redkinoko: i wasnt talking about you and phil probably has other reasons to be happy about
redkinoko: like you-know-who from midas
Fat Kat: great. we can call it quits
redkinoko: You evil evil woman!
Fat Kat: so where's the quote for?
redkinoko: random
Fat Kat: right
Fat Kat: random
Fat Kat: 10 binary cents
Fat Kat: happiness is a state of mind
Fat Kat: not a product of any of ur action
Fat Kat: u can be happy anytime
Fat Kat: it can be controlled
Fat Kat: so forget about all ur troubles
Fat Kat: and sing
redkinoko: WTF
Fat Kat: its a jolly holly day with u bert
redkinoko: where did that come from?
Fat Kat: Mary Poppins - the movie to answer all problems
redkinoko: okay i think ive had enough.
redkinoko: two things. I got other options and I don't need this.
Fat Kat: nice goatie by the way
redkinoko: And because of that im blogging this.
Fat Kat: send the check via mail darling
redkinoko: over my dead body!
Fat Kat: kthx
Fat Kat: see ya

note: edited my name and some parts to increase readability ( and minimize dignity loss)
@phil: if you read this, peace man.

House Cleaning

Saturday, April 28, 2007

I was cleaning to day and I realize now why rich people are seldom happier than poor people. It's because the richer you are, the bigger your house is, and the bigger your house is, the longer it's going to take you to f'ing clean it. The only way to have something cleaned is to find somebody to do it. And whoever does it will feel bad cleaning it too. As long as you live with people who feel bad about anything like cleaning, you'll be very much unhappy as well. There's no escaping the negative vibes.

And as long as there are big houses, slavery will be inevitable.

Anyway, I live in a very small area with my sister. 48 square feet. In case you cant imagine the size that's 5 mall parking lots split into two rooms and one bathroom. I've been cleaning for two hours every night for the past four nights and another four hours today and I still haven't even covered half the damn place.

I know, it might sound exaggerated, but you don't know the situation here. Cleaning up is almost criminal. Moving shit is harder than moving homeless people. Like for example you see a litter of bags on the couch and start moving them to a higher place where they don't occupy what rent payers should be occupying, you'd be blamed for the owner's inability to quickly retrieve what she needs.

Don't even get me started when somebody loses something. You were the last one to rearrange the house, even in the most slightest way - you instantly become responsible for every single piece of trinket in the house.

The only solution is to keep track of everything you move - either that or you'd have to be Yoda and sense the rightful place of everything. (I bet Yoda used his powers to look for the remote control a bit too much, that's why he looks like that.)

But since we cant all be yodas (George Lucas wont allow that), you'd have a list of items you moved - a log of sorts. For example:

Nail cutter - Found under the couch - placed inside the personals drawer.
Dirty looking paper with bloodstains - found beside TV - placed inside documents folder.
Mr. Smiley stationary - found inside refrigerator - (requesting persmission to discard)

Discard. Yeah, throwing away shit is harder than expelling illegal aliens. Everything has value, if not practical, it's sentimental. You'd think for all the wastefulness of people, they would'nt mind throwing a roach infested tumbler or two. "But JEeet, that was used for our 13thmonthsary!"

Cleaning around here requires less diligence than diplomatic skills. As with everything that requires diplomacy, the best way to get about things is to not go about it at all. As a result, nobody ever really cleans. It's been a while since I've last seen the floor. (And the KFC delivery dude who got lost under all that rubbish)

So you might be asking why I'm cleaning today.

Well, nobody's around to watch me clean. Nobody can complain. And if I throw away things now, there's a good chance nobody will remember they even lost what I threw out. Best of all, nobody gets to clutter up the place again - at least not for another week.

So there.

Also, here's something I learned the hard way today:

If you are going to stomp a cockroach to its death, make sure you're wearing slippers.

And no, damn it. I don't know where to find the nail cutter.

Mactan Prologue Draft

Friday, April 27, 2007

I've written about three chapters of the story as of this post and I just want to show you the prologue of Project Mactan (temporary title). I just want to hear what you think about it (actually I'm just too lazy for posting something funny/random).

According to the current outline, the story is structured into six chapters plus this prologue and an epilogue. I've been talking to friends lately and they think it can actually be made into some graphic novel of sorts. But that's one helluva longshot.

Also, it was actually only a few days ago that I've decided to use Anton Pigafetta as a narrator instead of Enrique de Malacca. I figured slaves back then didn't have the basic writing skills that would enable them to make an account of events. Sorry, fatkat.

Oh and if this piece does get publishing or sponsorship, I'm taking this post down. Kthx.

Prologue: Dimenticato - The Forgotten

And for what, pray I ask of you, does a man perform incredible feats that are neither expected of him nor necessary for his preservation? Glory? Reassurance of his competence? Deluded grandeur of predestination? One can only wonder, for it is often that history remembers outcome - but rarely intentions.

May 18, 1524. Malta.

This morning I woke up to the beating of my own weakening heart, clashing with the steady dripping of the tiled roof above my head. Rain comes and takes its toll on the human spirit. And though I am but in my thirties, my body groans and creaks just from rising from my cotton-mat bed as though I have been on this earth twice as many seasons. This enervation - it's almost nostalgic longing for my youth-filled days.

My name is Antonio Pigafetta, born of the affluent Pigafettas of Vincenza. I am a catographer, an astronomer, a geographer, and a linguist. Today is the second month that I have spent in this well-fabricated prison of invisible steel bars and political restraint.

I live in this room a guest to the noble duke of Florence, but the time I spend here is time spent as a captive of my own country. Outside the large oak doors are guards - to guard me or to prevent me from running away, I am not sure anymore - along with many other things that I've lost faith in.

Now I've come to writing this personal account of the greatest story I've come to witness, this day, with the crudest of writing implement in hand and only the most diluted of ink. Beside me is a window overlooking an old world gradually being changed by shifting powers, and beyond that, a blue sky encompassing a new discovered world unfolding before our very eyes. To my side, a golden cross full of scratches and an sizeable earring - testaments to the idea that though the world may change there are standards that will forever remain -

Virtue, and men who will go to lengths unimaginable to uphold them.

This is my tale to tell, as a legacy of those who lived through Mactan.

Wrong Appreciation

Thursday, April 26, 2007

So my mom, sisters, and I were watching this show called "The Tarzan Experience" in Disneyland Paris. It featured Cirque d' Soleil style circus acrobatics made much more difficult by the present onstage props of trees and cumbersome costumes the performers had to wear. While the floor had springs under them, it's convincingly dangerous to fall from the height at which some of these performers balancing from. Of all the attractions in the park, performers in the show would probably have the largest chance of incurring injury or death on the job. Each tumble and twirl is coordinated by a minimum of two other performers and everything has to be in synch with both the stage direction - and more importantly - music. One has to wonder how many hours of tiring practice these people had to put up with just to be able to deliver a 25 minute show about a cartoon predominantly watched by children under 12. At the very end of the show, a very enervated Tarzan keeps his composure befitting of a jungle man and yells his signature jungle call.

The crowd applauses.

And then my sister finally makes her remark about the show.

"Wow," she says, "Tarzan shaves."

(Video of the show finale taken from my camera)

Real Jokes

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I sometimes hear people say it's hard to be funny. I say nay, nay. It's easy to be funny. All you need is a slippery surface and some really flat-soled shoes. What's hard is giving people a sense of happiness that's lasting. The type that doesn't easily go away like after a joke's died down. It's hard to supply that to people, you know? Specially when the cops know you're peddling drugs.

Those party poopers.

Seriously though, as a comedian, you only know you've really suceeded when somebody tells you "You know, I was walking down the street the other day when I remembered something you said. It made me laugh. Thanks. " It's not in the initial laughter, or in the money they pay to make you crack jokes. I think it's the lasting effect of giving people a bit of craziness in their lives that they take with them the moment they leave the bar.

Because in this dull dry world where real fun is a scarcity, jokes and laughter are own little snorkels that allow as to breath a bit of heaven while we're still on earth. And those who make people laugh?

They're in charge of the dive equipment rentals.

Some quotes from my interviews

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

HR: Do you believe the customer is always right?
Me: The customer is always right but the customer doesnt always know what's right.
HR: So they're always right?
Me: They have the right to ask for what's right but we as the providers have the task of telling them what's right.
HR: *long silence*
HR: How philosophical. (in other words, pilosopo ka gago)

HR: Do you have any questions about our company?
Me: Actually, yes. I'd like to ask you personally if you find yourself staying in this company after five more years.
HR: I'm not too sure.
Me: *smiles*
HR: Wait, this is supposed to be YOUR interview.

HR: Heh, tagalugin na kita ha. Nuubusan na ako ng ingles eh.
Me: *chuckle* Ako rin.

HR: *raised eyebrow* Are you sure you want to work with us?
Me: I passed your written test. I solved your practical test. I want the job and I think I'm qualified for it.
HR: That's the problem. I checked your resume, you even got good grades.
Me: Nothing wrong with that, Sir. Right?
HR: This is not your field. You'll get bored with what you're going to do. And then you'll quit.
Me: So you're not hiring me because I might quit?
HR: We like to use the term overqualified.
Me: I'm a fresh graduate, sir. With all due respect, I can't possibly be overqualified for this.
HR: Fine.

Me: So you have internet access?
HR: Yes.
Me: What happens if I infect the PC even if it's running antisoftware made by your company?
HR: You get fired. Seriously.

HR: You mentioned you've had background in virus writing.
Me: I "studied" it for a while with somebody in the know.
HR: But you haven't written any viruses?
Me: Only ones that I use for studies.
HR: Then we can't hire you.

HR: So why do you want to join us?
Me: You mean apart from "free unlimited juice at the pantry"?

(this one is from my current company, a small new IT group so the one who interviewed me was actually our head manager at that time)
HR: So is there anything you'd like to know about the company?
Me: Will we be given internet access?
HR: Yes.
Me; Sweet. Broandband?
HR: Yes. But if you're thinking of downloading movies, download my requests first.
Me: Is there Saturday work?
HR: We discourage that.
Me: What's the ratio between men and women?
HR: I personally want more women in my group because I'd hate working like a sailor.
Me: Where do I sign?

Airline Schmairline

Sunday, April 22, 2007

I was thinking at the airport earlier, if in case my plane had crash landed into solid ground at terminal velocity just a few minutes before landing, people on site would have talked like this:

Air Crash Investigator 1: It seems that the plane went down during the final few minutes of their 18 hour travel. The impact of the crash made sure that the survivability is very low, and the ensuing fireball would incinerate any soul to survive the initial fall. We can't even see body parts.

Air Crash Investigator 2: OH THE HUMANITY!

Air Crash Investigator 1: They deserved better.

Air Crash Investigator 2: The passengers, really suffered didn't they? Staying for 18 hours inside a cramped plane is just too much.

Air Crash Investigator 1: It would've been faster if they just crashed the plane after takeoff.

Ok, that was a bit of a cruel thing for me to say, but believe me, there are very few things in this world that can be likened to staying inside the economy class of an airplane during long haul flights flying over the most turbulent air routes on the planet. One thing that can simulate the experience is being a sardine inside a can. But the sardine he dead so it doesnt feel much, so not really. Also, he's guaranteed to have a fellow adult seated beside him and not a sniveling, vomiting swiss baby.


Speaking of crashes, during my domestic flight from Rome to Amsterdam, just as we were flying above the Matterhorn of the Alps, I saw a passenger plane pass by just below ours with one of its engines emitting smoke. I would've taken pictures but the asshole at the check in counter placed me by the emergency door exit so I had to place my back on the overhead, along with my camera.

The Italian guy I was sitting with had the brilliant suggestion that they were crop dusting. At 30,000 feet. At the Swiss Alps where not even grass grows. With the black "dust" coming out of the engine.

The cabin pressure must've gotten to him.


Anyway the jet lag's getting to me. I'll start telling more stories about my tour when I get the time. It's good to be home. Helloooo dried McChickens.

One Very Important Thing I Learned...

Monday, April 16, 2007

(From Saturday Morning Cartoons)

- Hanging out with gay friends makes you gay.
- Having gay enemies makes you gay.
- Singing the Bohemian Rhapsody with Elton-John-In-Any-Grammies grade gay characters make you He-Man.

- Never let yourself be touched. Even by Orco. Especially by Orco.

Red's New Book

Monday, April 09, 2007

After spending a couple of days in England, I've decided to write a book. Actually I've already finished it. And you can actually read the draft exclusively here in Public/Static. The Title is:

The Fine and Delicious Cuisine of England

Here's the first draft:

It doesn't exist.

The end.

Seriously. The last reason you'll have when going to England is food. Ladies, if you suck at cooking, marry a Briton. You'll be a cooking god to him.

Briton: What did you put in this? It's bloody good.
You: Salt and pepper.
Briton: Genius.

Fuck fish and chips. Buy my book when it comes out.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Red's on vacation. Will be back after two weeks.

Leave a message after the beep.

Son of a *beeeeep*

Best movie-based pickup line ever.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Warning: Post not suitable for children below 18 (I was told to put up this warning)

Modern movies often bank on wit and subtle humor to develop characters. Sadly, the trend can be so repetitive we find ourselves looking for something new. Something fresh. But it's often a vain search. That was the case for me.

At least until I saw Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.

The movie itself is arguably one of the worst films ever to come out of Hollywood in the recent years, almost at par with Equilibrium and Catwoman. But that's not exactly whyI'm mentioning the movie. Despite its winning streak in the race to suckfest, this movie contains arguably the best pickup line ever.

Hitch ain't got nothing on this guy from Shark Attack 3. Not a dime.

Straightforward. And in case you're asking how it went, the line actually worked.

Kids, dont try this at home. (Try it outside)

Really Bad Performance Evaluations

Monday, April 02, 2007

You know you're pretty much screwed when you see these phrases on your performance evaluations. Without further ado, here are the some of really bad evaluation entries that I thought of this morning. If you have some more, post 'em as well :)

- "... has the teamplaying ability of a deer with a group of hyenas"

- "The majority of the technical papers he submits are best used as fly swatters."

- "I wouldn't let my kids play with his kids."

- "... might do better working for our sanitation department."

- "Programming is spelled with two M's. And yes, even with British spelling."

- His flowchart diagrams make Rembrandt look like the most understandable painter in the world.

- Forrest Gump is a good movie, really. But working with a "Forrest" is totally ridiculous.

- His workarea is an ecological wasteland.

- He is to incompetence what Fort Knox is to gold.

- 23 might not be that bad an age to force retirment.

- More out of place than Martin Lawrence when he played the black football player in King Arthur's court.

- He has the technical learning curve of a common goldfish.

- Coming to work barefoot has been out of practice since the Spanish era.

- There are just some contributors our GNP can do well without.

- There are no impossibly hopeless people in this world, only this guy - whatever he is.

- I'd shoot him with a rifle if just to make sure he's open to new things.

- Justifying his salary is like trying to prove Estrada innocent. It's possible, but it ain't gonna happen anytime soon...

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