German Moreno's Food For The Stars

There's a saying that goes "Any man can be stupid but it takes really really bad marketing to fuck things up." For all you young'ins reading this who are wondering right now what "marketing" is, allow me to explain. Marketing is basically "how you sell your products." This includes knowing who will buy your products, why they want to buy it, how much they want of it, and for how much they'll buy it.

It's a simple concept.

Know your product, know your customer - make shitloads of money.

Marketing.

Now what is bad marketing? Bad marketing is trying to find out who will buy your products by asking deaf people about your new mp3 player, asking why poor people would want to have a gold-plated yacht and asking how much people will pay for candy-coated dogshit.

I'm not saying I'm a genius in this field but GOD DAMN, can some people fuck this job up OR WHAT?

Let's take for example a certain restaurant that opened up sometime in 1998. Actually it's reportedly a chain of restaurants under the same flagshitp name but I never saw the other branches so I wouldn't really know.

GERMAN MORENO'S FOOD FOR THE STARS. It used to be located at the top floor of SM City Bacoor, where people don't usually go. Strategic postioning for something you want people to go to, dumbasses. You might as well have placed the branch at the bottom of the fucking sea.

A themed restaurant, the Master Showman himself explained that every customer shall be treated to a celebrity-filled experience each time they eat there. Don't ask me. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking either.

It must've been the retardation-driven craze of popularity recieved by Kenny Rogers when it first opened that started giving the people behind this project crazy ideas. By crazy I mean shoot-people-in-a-clown-suit crazy.

I mean look at the guy. Stare at him for 30 seconds. Does he make you any hungrier? Can you say "Boy that face just makes me want to eat mechado!"

NO.

How were these assholes able to associate good dining with a face that could very well be the next dieting sensation of the century? German Moreno diet - lose weight as you lose appettite. I swear, everytime I see that hair motherf*cker on TV my utensils stop being eating tools and become accessories for murder - frustrated murder, because I believe German Moreno's skin is too hairy for anything to go through - it'd just get stuck with all that pubic hair growing around him like medieval armor. And then you'd be too grossed out to take it out.

Let's just say if Cousin It from Adams Family were real, you'd be looking at one helluva copy of the genuine article. Cousin Can you say dandruff? Ewww shit.

And then he opens up a restaurant. It could've been anybody else. No, it had to me him. Fuck that. What does he make us expect to find inside? Good food? I thought of the things they might serve there.

House Specialties (Food that we've made to make sure you get those "walang tulugan" nights after)

Germburger: Germilicious sa sarap. Wrinkly meat and hairy buns. You don't get shit like that anywhere.

Master Showmenudo: What's red and hot and with pubic hair all over? Clue: You're reading it on the menu.

Moreno-odles: It's like angel hair noodles except it's not from any angel. And instead of white, it's black, think and curly hair. Check out the century-old soup. No words can begin to describe it (choking, barfing, and defecating sounds can though)

Other Star-Studded Meals (because That's Entertainment without the "tai"):

Paella Flores: Because some recipes just get better with time. (this isn't one of them)

Sinigang sa Sam-Milby: Swift All Meat Hotdogs in a sour unstomachable soup. A recipe that's part-filipino, part-american, all sellout.

Sandara Parkebab: Like the actress it was named after, meat on a stick but lightly with more meat (and talent).

Footlong Padilla: It's Binoy's Big "Brother" a hit among our happy (read: gay) customers.

Judy Ann Santokwa't Baboy: All the cholesterol, none of the controversies.

Chicharon Cuneta: Seasoned thick skin taken from only the biggest swines in the slaughterhouse.

Ethel Boobarroz Caldo : Also known as Soup Number Six.

Oh man, I can't wait to eat those. And by eat, I mean avoid like rape in a dark alley.

Anyway I don't have to tell much detail about it but needless to say the store remained open for a record two months, before somebody got pissed enough to actually burn the entire floor it was in (4th floor, where the cinemas and computer stores are, which pissed me off even more) and convince people from marketing who concieved that attrocity for a product that they've done something monumentally stupid.

That's one bad idea down, another 3,276,758,252 ideas to go.