Testimonials are Cool

Testimonials are Cool

It's 15 minutes before 12 and I'm still at the office. Worst bit of it is that I feel like nothing more than a programmatical equivalent ofa warm body by doing standbys. To save myself from the boredom (and the hunger since I havent had dinner yet) I've decided to take a look at your typical friendster testimonials.

Testimonial A - The Testi-In-A-Can

Include sexy,beautiful, cute, intelligent, fun in a few sentences. Add the name of the person you think you know and then add "I miss you so much" for estranged contacts. Woot. You have yourself a canned testimonial. I mean seriously, if every person who got the "cute, beautiful, intelligent, and fun" testimonal lived up to what people wrote about him/her, thice place would be so much better a place to live in. That and we dont have to watch shitty actors on TV just because they "have good hair". But noooooooo... You know what? False advertising should be grounds for captital punishment.

Hey I can even make a testi song about it

Come on everybody!
I say now let's play a testi game
I betcha I can make a testi out of anybody's name
The word of the testi, I'll say like it is true
But a Cute or an Pretty or an Sexy will appear
And then I say Handsome add a "Pogi si" then I say the name even if he's a friggin schmo
And then I say the name again with "I miss U" very plain
add an ass kissing song
And then I say the name again with an "smart" this time
and there isn't any name that I can't testi!

(to the tune of the name game)
Nardo!
Nardo, Nardo, si Nardo siya ay napaka gwapo
smart pa at maanagas
si... Nardo!

SNORE.

Testimonial B - Spot the Retard

This testimonial is very much entertaining in the very same sense that you're entertained looking for Wally in a Where's Wally book, except that instead of Wally in a sea of people youre looking for grammatical errors in a sea of words and instead of just one Wally, you're looking at more errors than with George Bush reading the Constitution.

e.g.
Darla is the cute and very prity in the houz. She's have good time with as we stayed. Friendships treasure in sharing with you. Missing you gurl!

Can you say Dee Dee Dee? Retarded.

Testimonial C - The Unoriginal Song Plagiarizer

So what's worse than a bad testimonial? I know! WASTING WEBSPACE AND PEOPLES TIME BY PUTTING LYRICS OF A SONG EVERYBODY KNOWS. As if that song was really written for the person being testified for! What's worse is that there are people who dont even put the songs in the right context.

e.g.
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

This song is for you, baby, because like the title of the song, you're perfect.

Idiot. If you thought she was perfect why didnt you just go out and say it? That's 10 seconds of my life youve stolen from me. Taking lives is murder, you murderer. Can you say elektra complex in a twisted light? Dad?

Testimonial D - TestiArt
Yes this people are those who just cant express themselves through words. Because some things are just easier to show through other means. Like take for example a monkey who is incapable of writing. I have a strong hunch that these people who use characters to draw things on testimonials are those same people who have the undying urge to draw penises inside comfort rooms and bus seats. Vandals should be shot with ink-tip bullets just so people would know what they did when they were still alive.

Testimonial D - The Nonesense Testimonial

This testimonial shouldnt even be called a testimonial. It usually consists of anything of the following:

- A birthday greeting.
- A personal message that they want everybody else to know of so their place in society can be affirmed by the crap theyre talking about. Like ("PAHIRAM NG BENZ, HA" or "THANKS FOR THE SNOREFEST PARTY")
- Anything else that can be put anywhere but on a testimonial because it's not testifying about anything other than the stupidity/ignorance of whoever wrote it.

Testimonial E - Plagiarized testimonials

So you think piracy is limited to movies, software and pornography eh? Think again. Hey, piracy is always more convenient for people who cant afford. And for this case, people who cant afford to think. Next time we'll be having raids against these kinds of testimonials led by Edu Manzano. I'd create a skit about it involving Edu and a pirate and in the end the pirate will add Edu to her friendster and give her a pirated testimonial for a girl because she doesnt even know it's only meant for guys.
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People say I am a bitter man, that maybe I posted this because I dont have any testimonials and if I do get them I either reject them or take them down faster than you can say "ispentsixhoursonthattestimonialyouasshole". Well they're right, and if they had been nice enough to include that fact, I would have reconsidered my actions.

DAMN IM HUNGRY. PUBLISHING AND GOING HOME.

June 09, 2006