Spelilng Bee [sic]

Spelling bees suck. I was watching ESPN the other day, expecting to see people injuring themselves, and instead I saw the Annual Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee. I can understand that ESPN stopped airing WWF Pay-per-View specials back in 2002 because there wasn't anything unpredictable about wresting, being a form of scripted entertainment and all but why do they have to air Spelling Bees?

First of all, a spelling bee is not a sport. Sports by definition is an active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition. Ergo, Spelling Bees are no more closer to sports than chess is to extreme sports. Spelling bees are like those reality tv shows minus the rewards, the excitement, and the abnoxious backwater contestant who keeps on thinking she should have won (every show must have one of this). Watching a spelling bee is like watching a comatose person and waiting for him to spring back to life. Draining.

Why do they even call it a "bee"? Bees are stupid insects. They die after they sting. They can't even get their shit right after a few million years for evolution.

So maybe you're arguing "But Jet, there are other meanings for bee!" So I try to look it up for you people. Here's what I get from the Scripps website:

The word bee, as used in spelling bee, is a language puzzle that has never been satisfactorily accounted for. A fairly old and widely-used word, it refers to a community social gathering at which friends and neighbors join together in a single activity (sewing, quilting, barn raising, etc.), usually to help one person or family. The earliest known example in print is a spinning bee, in 1769. Other early occurrences are husking bee (1816), apple bee (1827), and logging bee (1836). Spelling bee is apparently an American term. It first appeared in print in 1875, but it seems certain that the word was used orally for several years before that.

Those who used the word, including most early students of language, assumed that it was the same word as referred to the insect. They thought that this particular meaning had probably been inspired by the obvious similarity between these human gatherings and the industrious, social nature of a beehive. But in recent years scholars have rejected this explanation, suggesting instead that this bee is a completely different word. One possibility is that it comes from the Middle English word bene, which means "a prayer" or "a favor" (and is related to the more familiar word boon). In England, a dialectal form of this word, been or bean, referred to "voluntary help given by neighbors toward the accomplishment of a particular task." (Webster's Third New International Dictionary). Bee may simply be a shortened form of been, but no one is entirely certain.

A contest that challenges mastery of the language can't even get their words right. What the hell. And if it's not really animal theyre refering to, WHY THE HELL DO THEY KEEP ON INCLUDING DRAWINGS OF BEES IN THEIR BANNERS?

And I don't get why people just love this contest. There's nothing in it for the contestants, like forced labor without pay in a sweatshop. And these are just kids we're talking about.

So what makes a spelling bee exciting? Here's the basic premise of the "sport":

The basic rule of spelling a word in the competition is that once the contestant has started to spell a word, he may start over, but the letter or sequence of letters already spoken may not be changed. Failure to spell a word correctly disqualifies a contestant, who is removed from the competition. The competition is conducted in rounds until only one contestant remains.

Nice. What does that teach the kids? THAT YOU CANT FIX PAST MISTAKES? In some competitions, every word is sudden death. One wrong letter and youre out of the contest. Add to that the hype being given by adults to stupid pageants like these and it's likely you will be forever haunted by the E that came before the I, forcing you to grow up as an emotional retardate.

Worst bit of spelling bees is that the kids aren't even encourage to memorize the meaning of the words. It's like being able to enumerate all the Presidents of your country but not really know what they did for you. Oh wait...

Then there are the proud parents of the kids whose dignity and self-worth they are unwittingly gambling away in the worst possible contest they can join.

Proud mom: My kid can spell!
Me: So can my dictionary.
Proud mom: I'll pretend that I didnt hear that. George has won various spelling competitions in the regional and national levels.
Me: Maybe that's because he's never gone up against a dictionary before.
Proud mom: I'd like to see you do something like that.
Me: If that's getting you excited, wait till you see the spellcheck on my computer.

Like that's going to help his kid be successful in life.

Since when has being able to spell something right dictated somebody's success in life? I mean do HR people look for it in your resume? I can't imagine an HR person asking you in your job interview "What's the correct spelling of lugubrious?". When you run for president of your country, will they ask you to spell out the constitution? Will it do you any good when you're bagging groceries because spelling is the only thing you ever got good at?

Being able to spell better than any other kid doesnt prove you're smart. It doesn't prove you're diligent. It proves nothing other than the fact that you're a spelling geek. A walking dictionary. Whoopteedoo.

What's next a counting competition on ESPN?

Judge: Okay, Billy, what's the number next to 32767?
Billy: 3..2...7...6...
Commentator: This is a tough one folks. I hope Billy doesn't get confused.
Billy: ... 9?
Judge: wrong. The correct answer is 32768
Billy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Commentator: WAIT! OH NO! IT'S THE MASKED COUNTER COMING FROM BEHIND AND HE'S GOT A STEEL CHAIR!
Billy: *gets hit by steel chair*
Masked Counter: LAYING THE SMACK DOWN!

How exciting. The tingling feeling makes me think I'm almost peeing in my pants. Either that or I'm starting to develop kidney stones for the heck of it, because anything is more exciting than a counting competition.