How to build a hollowed-out pew and conceal yourself in St. Paul's Cathedral

This often overlooked but indisputably valuable clandestine maneuver is a must learn for every individual who wishes to infiltrate social gatherings that normally exclude the bourgeois and social outcasts such as that one guy who insists that the Atari Jaguar could have been the best console of its time.

That said, here are the steps to successfully create and utilize a hollowed-out pew to conceal yourself in St. Paul's Cathedral:


1. Get soap. Lots of it. You don't know how many asses use those things. Also, soap is awesome.

2. Carefully obtain images of the standard pew at the cathedral of your choosing. If possible, try to obtain an actual sample to make modeling easier. Ideally, you have to do this when nobody is using the pew. And not during any service. If this is not possible, make sure you excuse yourself properly and return any churchgoer you may accidentally spirit off with the pew.

3. If you were unable to obtain a sample pew, pick a matured tree in your neighbor's yard and steal it in the middle of the night in a David Copperfieldy manner involving spotlights, a chainsaw, and a magic assistant named Debbie. Use it to build yourself a pew based on the images you obtained.

4. At this point, it will help if you are as thin as possible. Lay off the burgers, fries, and all-meat super burrito. Those things will kill you eventually, you know? Laxatives also does wonders.

5. Draw an outline of your body on a particularly thick section of the pew. If this does not exist, attach a you-sized wooden block to the pew as inconspiciously as possible. (Hint: label it "Donation box" if you cant figure out any other way to hide the block of wood and leave out a slit. This way you get your stealth AND more money for paying for a decent lawyer later on)

6. Start hollowing out like a shawshank motherfucker. A chisel works, but if you know your prison break movies, a spoon will do just fine, depending on how soon you need your ultimate disguise ready.

7. ???

8. Profit.

Spent 5 minutes banging at the keyboard to get this. Actually I'm just curious how many people will actually google this phrase based on Robotman/Bucholz's article.