Killing Yourself, And Then Some

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

When you've jumped off a building to kill yourself and you're speeding downward towards earth, you should avoid hitting any flying bugs on your way down because, good luck getting that OFF your shirt.

If you're going to opt for the roadkill treatment, try to pick a bus that's not so full of passengers. I'm thinking if I were the passenger, I'd hate to be delayed by some suicidal guy because nobody EVER believes that sort of excuse three times in a row.

No matter how hard you try, it's virtually impossible for you to kill yourself through overmasturbation.

If you have AIDs and you're slashing your wrists, make sure you dispose of the blade afterwards because somebody might use it to commit suicide and get AIDs instead.

Chinese garter can't break your neck. Maybe if you attach a car on the other end and you ask somebody to drive it towards you very very fast...

Overdosage of Flintstones vitamins is a pleasant way to die, but good luck bragging about it in the afterlife.

If you're drowning yourself in a pool, somebody might catch you so it's always a good idea to make sure you're not drowning and skinny dipping at the same time.

Here's a cool idea if in case you're into killing yourself: Get a tape recorder and go tape yourself trying to be all ghostly and shit at the very end of the tape. Rewind the tape, press play, then go kill yourself. When somebody discovers you're dead they'll scream in horror, and then they'll hear you making ghostly sounds (and poorly) so they'll probably think you're faking it. Later on, they'll get a good laugh when they realize it's just a trick using a tape recorder.

When hanging yourself with rope, I don't think it's so funny if you yell like Tarzan.

p.s. This blog is now 1 year old. Hurrah.

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