Worse Than Snakes

Oh boy. I guess if there's writing material that I'm not running out of anytime soon, it'd be airplanes, airports, and just about anything involved in sending stupid to soaring new heights.

So I was flying home from HK yesterday when I got in line in Immigration with a girl, presumably Chinese because of the 2cm lateral epicantic folds in her eyes (yeah, it gets hard to identify them without that piece of info). Not a problem, like, you know, I get clearance, she gets clearance, we wait for a couple of minutes and we don't have to share anything else.

Nothing big.

At least until she decided to kickoff her campaign of bioterrorism on the spot. She started coughing like crazy. Seven times in a row in under thirty seconds. I couldve sworn she was trying to do a human beatbox play of the percussion intro of Linkin Park's papercut.

I can almost feel the surge of bacteria in the air, but I actually let it slip, because hey, "going home" day is a happy day. I just tried to make the immigration clearance process as fast as possible.

But it seems I must have a knack for finding sick people to cough at me. Two hours later she was sitting on the same plane I was in. Behind my seat. I wonder why I never get this lucky when it comes to gorgeous supermodels riding the plane with me.

Anyway, in case you're not familiar, the airplane runs on a closed-circuit ventilation system - meaning anything that enters the air sticks in the air for the duration of the flight, be that bong smoke, fart, or - for this case - stuff that makes you sick.

A few minutes in, I was looking for Jews, because the place sure felt like a gas chamber.

And, oh hoo, was she at it or what? I could've sworn the stewardess had to check the engines twice to see if it was having any problems because there were intense cough-like sounds coming from the wing area. Why? She wasn't covering her mouth is why.

I'm not sure with my History, but I'm pretty sure the Handkerchief has been around for at least 600 years already, and I don't think it's use hasn't changed a lot since then. I figured that maybe during that span of existince the ancestor of this woman should've at least picked up the ability to learn how to use it.

Apparently not.

I was almost ready to scream: "HANDKERCHIEF, CAVEWOMAN! DO YOU HAVE IT?"

I felt like I was in a ridiculous but horrifying thriller movie - like Snakes On A Plane. Except Samuel L. Jackson is not around to yell "There are motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane!" because there are no snakes in this movie.

Only stupid people with bad cases of cough and ignorance.