Fun With Chopsticks

Chopsticks are probably one of the most messed up tools on the planet, next to eyeball massagers. At least for the eyeball massager, they haven't been in use for around 200 years already. Chopsticks on the other hand are here to stay, causing more muscle spasm for generations to come. Am I the only one seeing the problem here?

First of all, why? It's a stick. Well, two sticks. What's so f'ing practical about that? After researching the origin of the chopsticks, I found out that according to archeological finds, they've been in use as early as 3200 years ago, first as primitive wooden implements to "prod" food being cooked in the fire. 3200, years later, the chopstick has developed into the primitive wooden implement we use to "prod" food being cooked in the fire today. *palm to face*

I have a theory of how this all started. Two chinese cavemen by the fire got bored (because let's face it, getting broadband and downloading bootlegged movies with funky chinese subtitles at that time was just f'ing impossible, you know what I mean?). Okay so they got bored and the conversation went something like this:

Pinpin: So when's our PS3 coming?
Lingling: In about 3202 years.
Pinpin: Damn. I'm bored.
Lingling: Is the food ready?
Pinpin: *Pokes roasting meat with stick* No.
Lingling: Hey I have a good idea for kicks.
Pinpin: What?
Lingling: What if we poke the meat with two sticks instead of one?
Pinpin: What's the difference?
Lingling: It's more challenging.
Pinpin: *holds two sticks together and pokes* No, it's not.
Lingling: Okay, try originally using a single stick and break it into two sticks and then hold the two sticks in the most fucked up way possible and try picking up shit using the two sticks. Betcha can't do that.
Pinpin: Oh yeah? Let's see you try. First person to get tired of this arrangement is gay.
Lingling: Prepare to be the world's first homo, caveboy.

Those two cavemen eventually died of starvation because no matter how hard you try, it's just impossible to eat a giant slab of dinosaur meat with just two sticks. Hence the archeological find. The rest of the cavemen found the test of manliness rather sporty, so the legacy of the chopsticks lived on.

So maybe we all make mistakes. We have to start somewhere. But what I don't get is why people still think it's still fucking "mod" to be using chopsticks when we already have invented the spoon and fork. It's like having cars already and then some people just go, "I think I'mma ride this stegasaurus for a while.."

And it's not like the spoon and fork is such a radical new idea. A chinese farmer away from f'ing civilization will have at least a shovel and a pitchfork in his farm. Choo choo. Clue train coming, it's your stop! If chopsticks are so damn effective, why aren't you using giant versions of them to haul soil out of the ground?

And for the record, I do know how to use chopsticks. And if by some chance you want to learn how to use them too, the easiest way is to throw yourself in the middle of China where asking for a spoon and fork without knowing their native tongue is harder than asking for democracy. Use the sticks or die of starvation - there are just some things that are easier to learn when your life's depending on it.

Maaan I hate chopsticks. Even the name's wrong. Those things can't even chop.