Hospi Tales

I'm sick, so instead of a real coherent update, I shall save myself the effort of organizing my thoughts and just place them all here for you to sift through. Here are the scenes and thoughts that occured to me while I was in the Emergency Room last night.

- Confucius say "Man who want pretty nurse must learn to be patient."

- From an ER attendant "Welcome to the ER, is there anything we can get you? Hot drink? Cold drink? Oral or suppository?

- And what if anime characters suddenly find themselves in hospitals?

Napa: Hey Vegeta, what's our differential diagnosis on that newcomer?
Dr. Vegeta: It's OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Vegeta: Yellow hair, yellow eyebrows, yellow aura, yellow eyes - I'm convinced.
Goku: Super Saiyan?
Dr. Vegeta: Hepatitis. The sexually transmitted kind.
Goku: Whoah, your hair's yellow too.
Dr. Vegeta: Too much unprotected dragonballs.

- By the end of the night, I've been pestering every single nurse coming by my bed, I swear I overheard one of the doctors "I don't care if that could kill him. If he makes so much as one wrong move, tranq that sonnuvabitch before he starts talking our student nurses to death."

- I got so bored, when the doctor passed by my place, I just yelled "Doc, did I pass the test?"

The doc smiled and replied "Yes, son, you're three months pregnant."

To which my mother said, or rather yelled "OH GOD WHO'S THE FATHER!?"

I followed with "It could've been anybody from the office!"

"Umamin ka na!" my mom exclaimed.

I shook my head and started sobbing, "Si Marco Fernando Miguel Calle San Juan!"

By that time, about three or four nurses were listening already, depriving other patients who were probably more dying than me of the care they needed.

I think that was when the tranquilizers started landing on different parts of my body because I can't remember what happened after that.

- But before that, my mom and I were talking about the 78 year old patient who was in a bed opposite of mine. He pissed and shit on himself, even with the assitance of three people. Our conversation went something like this:

Mom: When somebody's 78 already, they should just learn to let him go.
Jet: WTF
Mom: I guess I'm just being practical. When I get that old, maybe you'll treat me practically too and just let me die.
Jet: LOL Well, I guess I wouldn't like it too when I can't do anything fun.
Mom: And what fun can a 78 year-old do?
Jet: For starters, you can urinate anywhere you want.

At this point the old man from the other bed starts glaring at me. But what can he do? I'd sucker punch him back to second childhood if he budges so far as an inch away from his self-made puddle of shit-ala-piss cocktail (which stinks enough to remind me why I hate having to go to Emergency Rooms) Anyway back to the conversation.

Mom: *laughs out loud*
Jet: Think about it. If you're 22 and you take a leak on top of your table in a fancy restaurant, you'd probably have to do jailtime for it.
Mom: Or mental hospital time.
Jet: But if you do that some 56 years later, and you do it, what you get is a bunch of apologists saying it's okay because you're old enough for a stunt like that, to which the manager of the restaurant will profusely offer any means to prevent it from happening again. So, free steak meal for everybody - if you can bear the pungent odour.
Mom: Maybe we should be in the mental ward instead...

- A bit of seriousness now. It's most interesting to note that while I was playing around in my bed, the three other patients who were obviously in worse conditions did not have the perk of medical insurance i was enjoying and had to refuse certain tests because of their costs. Pity I can't share my medicard.

- Later that night, several victims of a car accident walked in. Sleeping in the ER is a lot like trying to doze off in the middle of a screamo band vocalist audition. Hearing stuff about "laceration in the jugular with traces of gangrene" and "prepare the OR for amputation" isn't exactly the best of bedtimes either.

- Some portions of this post may have been altered for their humor content. This is probably the part where I'm supposed thank and greet people who don't read my blog anyway. To the crew of San Juan De Dios ER, hats off to you guys and girls.