Redkinoko, HR Manager (comments in red)
--------------------------------------------
RICHARD ANDERSON,
1234, West 67 Street,
Carlisle, MA 01741,
(123)-456 7890.
To work for Internet based firm in web developer capacity.
At this point, your bullshit meter should be warming up already. His missing articles and ambiguous usage of words indicate that he's not concentrating while making this, because he was probably surfing for porn at the moment. All web developers tend to pickup that habit.
Ideal position would provide exposure to various design projects in different market segments, (i.e. corporate, e-commerce, etc.).
Translation: A work with internet access is the best.
Will trade creative mind and valuable technical skill set for position with advancement possibilities and career guidance.
By creative mind he probably means "stealing office supplies in a way you won't notice" and DoTA is probably a technical skill set nowadays.
- Developed personal web page (http://www.mysite.com) for regional design contest. Awarded most creative use of audio integration by New Jersey Web Developer Society. (Translation: My website has Eminem playing in the background. Hire me if you like eminem.)
- Worked through college by contracting web design projects for Central New Jersey area clients. Created pages for area legal firms and medical practices. ( By area legal firms and medical practices, he probably means mafia syndicates and abortion clinics.)
- Donated abilities and time to area not for profit entities that required technical abilities in creation of web pages. (area not for profit entities, if that means nonprofit orgs, is probably some messageboard that contains anime porn) Focus was primarily to distribute data. (one word: piracy) However, I did implement on line contribution ability and follow up email programs for prospective contributors. (two words: piracy promotion)
- Proficient in various web design programs including HTML, Adobe PhotoShop, Shockwave, Dreamweaver, Perl, FrontPage and others. Extensive use and knowledge of end user programs and browser integration problems for web page design. (Translation: I have the following skills: I can press F1 for help, I can read English, and I can Google)
- Experienced graphic illustrator and designer. (Translation: I like vandalizing walls during my spare time. I also do designer drugs.)
- Hardware and software abilities. Knowledge of LAN technology with experience on various platforms including Windows 95/98, NT, Novel and Unix. (Translation: I like playing network games.)
- Excellent planning and communication skills. Natural presentation and sales skills, particularly in areas of technical data and e-commerce issues. (Translation: CTC? ASL? WANNA CYBER? I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT.)
Theresa College, Brookdale, NJ
Computer Room Assistant, 1999 - 1999
Managed computer room for college students. Required to perform various help desk and management duties as well as assist in myriad project assignments for computer animation courses. ("I are teh press teh power buttons". Myriad isn't a word used by real nerds. Well maybe homosexual nerds, but don't be too optimistic.)
Betasearch.com, Inc., Bound Brook, NJIntern / Web Developer, 1998 - 1999 (See employment date? He caused the catastrophic collapse of the WWW bubble economy.)
Assigned various duties including web page maintenance and design of Betasearch home page. Assisted programmers in implementation of video and imagery onto site as well as text editing on line and on line sales inventory. Helped implement Betasearch referral programs and establish product order form page.(I copy paste content onto our page. I can also use the computer keyboard. Neat huh?)
EDUCATIONTyler University, New Hope, PA
BA, Computer Animation, Minor: Graphic Design, 1999
GPA: 3.5, Major GPA: 3.2. Various web page design and graphic design projects. Winner of multiple design awards in chose field among peers. (Translation: See, here's the thing, this may look like a sucky resume, and I'm probably lying more than Bush on Iraq, but I still got awards during college, so chances are if you're going to hire somebody else, you still won't be better off. What you can do instead, is just hire me and save time and money by being able to realize how much of a useless tard I am earlier - so you can fire me sooner than other candidates.)
See? That wasn't so hard now, was it? I should've been an HR manager.
2 comments:
The title caught my attention. I thought I could learn from this. But to my dismay, all I read was rain of pun, "witticism", and prejudiced remarks.
No offense but ff all HR manager would be like that, it'd be time to scrap that HR management system.
No offense too, but when there's the word "stupidity" in the title of a post, I don't think anything from the article should be taken seriously.
It may sound a bit exaggerated, but arent all HR Hiring procedures like that? Get all qualified applicants and then figure out who's going to be least damaging to the existing system?
Post a Comment