Piracy in Philippine Movies

No, we're not talking about Edu Manzano and his Don Quixote antics with the endless horde of VCD/DVD vendors. We're talking about the very people who are condoning piracy committing the very same crimes they're bitching about.

Case in point: Ang Titser Kong Pogi starring Ramon Revilla Jr. and Sunshine Cruz. Here's the summary: Joey Perez a policeman goes to Subic as a Kindergarten teacher to secretly investigate the case where he was framed up. He becomes attached to Cynthia, a co-teacher and Jimbo, his student--- both relatives of his suspects.

Argument: The movie is a blatant ripoff of Kindergarten Cop starring Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here's the summary: John Kimble a policeman goes to Astoria as a Kindergarten teacher to secretly find a drug dealer. He becomes attached to Joyce, a co-teacher and Dominic -- both relatives of his target.

As if copying the idea and the format of the movie wasn't enough, even the scenes were copied. If you have both movies in store (dont ask me why on earth you would have them) check the part where the drug lord's kid climbs a communications tower to escape thugs trying to catch him at the climax of the movie. Even the camera angles are the same.

The film gets so bad, I don't even have to mention how bad Revilla's acting gets when he tries comedy to make "Ang Titser Kong Pogi" tumor-inducing bad.

And you might think, well, you know, back then, we didn't have a lot of Filipinos who didn't watch lower budgeted American movies about governors from the future so it's excusable to do a parody/piracy. And besides, Americans do it to with hollywood films. Lake House, Vanilla Sky, The Ring were based on Mexican and Asian films. Right?

Right.

But there, they actually "bought" the rights, as seen in credits. I checked "Ang Titser Kong Pogi" and found none of that shit. Can you say "common crook"? I can. With bold letters.

You'd think, well this happened in the past. We got better writers now. Well, no. It's still happening. Next case in point? Say That You Love Me starring Jennelyn Mercado and that douche she always hangs out with whose name I cant remember.

Argument: Say That You Love Me is a blatant ripoff of what could arguable be one of the most famous Korean films in the international market: My Sassy Girl. Clues? Check for the part where the guy says "10 things you have to know about the girl I'm trying to bone". Those werent the exact words on either film but I believe it's all just lost in translation. Next bit is the pink shirt that serves as a McGuffin, but gets copied anyway. Then there's the very character of the "sassy girl" who tries to impose her will over the guy. It's like My Sassy Girl with everybody involved either high, on Ritalin, or just clinically depressed. Bad movie. BAD MOVIE!

Next case in point? Moments of Love. Watch "The Radio" in Arirang. Same pattern of ripping off. Again, there's no mention of the original movie in the credits. Maybe you'll start thinking twice about what screenplay writers in GMA actually do with their time (both Moments of Love and Say That You Love Me were made by the same set of crooks). I'm imagining these are the kids who tend to copy their seatmate's name during examinations due to sheer retardation.

Does it stop there? Hell no. Ever wondered where the scoring of the favorite movies you watch come from? Chances are it's from some track used on other films abroad. There's this forgettabl movie called "Beautiful Life" starring Gloria Romero and Iya Villania that basically freeloads John Williams's Forrest Gump Suite without ever citing it in the credits. Nevermind that the suite is about as famous as the Star Wars theme for those in the know of the work of Williams.

I'm not saying all Filipino movies are ripoffs. Some of them are original, while a good chunk of them happens to be so bad, they can't possible have come from a sane screenwriter from another country.

It's just sad that we have to outsource something so intrinsic in the film industry: creativity.

And by sad, I mean retarded.

You reap what you sow, videots.

Worst Movie of All Time

( subtitle: Because All Blogs Have to Have A Review)

I was presented with a challenge yesterday. Think of the worst movie ever and write a review about it. Well, I hardly thought it's a challenge. And nobody presented me with it either. It's like I just had to do a review of this film when I remembered it. This movie is like an Armenian kid with a funny smell who stutters and likes to eat glue - it'd be a crime against humanity if you didn't make fun of him/it when the situation is just begging for otherwise.

Without further ado, here's my review of Philippine Cinema's WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME: Yamashita: The Tiger's Treasure.

I tried to like this movie. I really did. When it came out on the cinema, I wanted to watch this over Cesar "pussy soldier" Montano's Bagong Buwan (Our soldiers fighting in Mindanao arent homosexually inclined pussies. Montano's depiction is just wrong.) because hey, World War 2 themes can't go wrong.

But then again, 5 minutes into the film, I found myself wanting to shoot the projector, shoot Chito Roño the director, and then finally shoot myself in the head for being stupid enough to expect something better.

I've enlisted the things that you may want to observe when watching this film (because story-progressive reviewing will make this article even longer than the scripts of the main characters combined)

- The story begins with a diary. It's a diary - a personal recollection. Lolo Melo's (the old douche in the story who claims to know the treasure's location) is so f'ing detailed, you could have reconstructed the whole pacific theater of war using the diary's specifications.

- Cue in the ex-lovebirds Camille Pratts and Danilo Barios. Ex lovers. Interesting premise. Unfortunately it doesnt get any further than 10 minutes into the film before the director decides theyve elaborated enough. The conflict of their relationship never gets resolved and nobody talks about it anymore than they talk about scandals about priests (begging for a sequel? more like begging for a salvage killing)

- The unifying bond between the grandfather and his grandchild is playing the harmonica. None of them could play the damn thing properly. I've seen Kitchie Nadal faking playing the guitar better than the two (and she sucks bad, so that's saying much already)

- The "pearl harbor" raid depicted on the film is just shit wrong. The reason why planes flew low in Pearl Harbor is because the water was too shallow for torpedos to be dropped from a high place. They bombed an airfield in Yamashita. Why did the Japanese have to use the same technique? Because it "looked good"? At this point I realized they created a film about a war without anybody knowing a trace about the war in the pacific. (And the douchebags behind the film had the audacity to dedicate this to the veterans they never consulted)

- The film features a car chase - a landmark in Filipino Action film. They do a chase in EDSA(flyover and shit) and if you take a look outside the car window, the chase looks like it's happening in Matrix-style bullet time (like 10kmph, slower than your average tricycle ride) Strangely enough, they end up somewhere in Tondo moments later, a good 10 km away from EDSA. I've seen action scenes in Sineskwela done better.

- After the car chase the gang of Danilo get captured anyway. They board a boat to the treasure island. Surprisingly enough, they had time to change clothes (WTF) before going to the ship.

- The Yamashita treasures are anything but realistic. Asian gold are labled with english writings. I think they used Gold Coin Chocolates here too. If I were Danilo and my grandpa would say this is the treasure he was talking about, I'd slap him and send him to the home for the aged to be put down like a sick animal ASAP.

- The treasure cave collapses at the end of the movie, during which the villain suddenly decides to have a change of heart and help the good guys out. Where that came from, or what his motivation was - I have no idea. He was 100% evil throughout the film.

- Scenes are skippy as hell, with no transitions or scenic cohesions whatesoever. One moment they're talking in the house and the next thing you know, they're being chased in a mountainside. I thought I was blacking out and skipping scenes while watching this movie.

- The dubbing and foley sucks, you'd think somebody filmed the actual film in the theater and sold it as a pirated CD, and then made it into a film again - which in turn became the final product. The voice doesnt match the mouth movements and the explosion sound effects are almost a second delayed. (and then they'd call it digitally mastered. More like masturbated on. Really.)

- Danilo Barios can't act, period. Adding Camille Pratts into the mix won't make things better. And even if they did know how to act, the one-line, one-worders they keep on uttering throughout the film wouldnt be enough to make any effort stand out. Tip: "Dad!" "Lolo!" "Wag!" arent Oscar winning lines.

This movie proves that you can give as much budgeting to a bunch of clueless toads all you want but you still cant get a good movie without common sense (note: When this was made, it has the most expensive production cost in Philippine Cinema History). It goes on to lead me to thinking Chito Roño is an overhyped cocksucker who's too full of himself to actually make a decent film.

And to prove once and for all that we have the worst commercial movie industry in the world, this film won the following awards in the Metro Manila Film Festival it participated in:

Best Picture, Best Story, Best Editing, Best Screenplay, and Best Cinematography Award

I rest my case.

Blessings from A Girl's Diary

I recently wrote a fairly short story about a girl's diary. I co-wrote it with my friend Riina with help from her friend Val, who to my understanding, is already a legend among internet writers. As I had written it in a girl's perspective and I am anything but a girl, I wasn't really expecting much from it.

Then one day, I got a message from a reader on a website where I posted a similar copy of the story (with the Ragnarok Online terms replaced with real-life stuff)

In the message, a guy was thanking me for convincing him through this story to open up to the girl he liked and then actually quoted this story (LOL I hope he didn't forget the typos) while confessing. Long story short, he got the girl and wanted to thank me for it.

I thanked him in return and told him that true inspiration comes from the heart and that my story could be just another story. I knew he already wanted to confess to that girl and was just looking for a more solid sign - something he found in my story.

It was heartwarming and flattering at the same time. It's this kind of message that makes writing drama/romance stories worth the risk of being mistaken for a female writer - a common woe of the anonymous romance writer online.

How people accepted this story reminds me of why we keep on writing online in the first place. Sure, one can argue that I want to better my skills. Or maybe you can even hear writers who publish their work online saying they're doing it for themselves and they dont care what other people think about it. But that's not all truth.

Truth is, we want to be heard. We may not care what other think of our work, but no writer would not want to see people thinking of thier work. Writing is a form of communication afterall, and nothing satisfies better than getting message across (whatever message it is)

All that, even at the cost of a gender/status bending scenario. Half of the readers in fanfiction.net actually think redkinoko is female. I've already clarified this before but the messages just wont stop coming. *sigh*

To end this post, I would like to quote a good e-friend Kai from fanfiction.net to demonstrate what power a rather convincing story can do to a reader's perception of the author:

omg! this story is the best i have read in a long time! the plot is really expectable [sic], the diary format and the way its written is really good! Rock on! you didnt die did you?

I rest my case.

Workout That Saves Lives

(alternate title: Workout That Saves Lives, literally.)

Remember my previous post where I said the Japanese people think of the craziest things? Well apparently apart from that, occassionally they come up with an idea so crazy, there's actually the remotest, darndest chance that it'll work. Case in point:

http://www.nervevideo.com/viralvideo/008/video.aspx?videoitemId=5

It's workout that saves lives. Literally. What better to do than work those excess fats off while learning some life saving English on the side?

The effectivity of the phrases taught by the video, however, remains debatable. "Take anything you want" isnt exactly what I would say to somebody who's trying to rob me, specially if he looks like the type who might have different interpretations for it, like say "rape me, I dont mind".

"I was robbed by two men," when the "two" isn't always fixed can be a problem as well, but after being robbed by somebody who looks like he could pass for Michael Moore's body double, that should be the least of her worries - specially if the cop she's talking to looks like a hired stripper for some shower party, complete with the sleezy scotland yard accent.

The video ends with Smeagol, or rather a man that looks like Smeagol explaining the purpose of the exercise. I didn't undrestand what he said, but by self reflection, I'd say he was saying "When mugged, it really helps if you're speaking in a language that can be understood by the criminals, because hey, we dont want to make a bad impression on them."

I also love the background music while the girl is being mugged. It's relaxing tunes give an elevatorish feel to the whole thing, stressing the danger of the situation. And by stressing, I mean completely downplaying.

I was half expecting the video to turn into the low quality porn skit I expected it to be, but alas the Japanese have pulled another one on me.

Please spare me my life.

Bad Start

What's your worst date ever? I remember having this setup date almost four years ago. After being convinced by my friend Riina to actually go out with me, this "friend of a friend" girl SMS'ed me on night askeding to meet up with her to hangout on a saturday morning in Megamall. Since I was not really doing anything at that time other than whoring up Ragnarok Online, I agreed.

The date time was around the opening time of Megamall. I know, I know it sounds stupid to date so early . I'll clear that up later. Anyway, 4am that same day, I was still playing Ragnarok Online - at least until I heard the first trip of the LRT outside my window. I decided to take a short nappie before readying up for the date - not that I had a choice,if I didn't I would have fallen asleep on my date.

I woke up later that day with a dozen missed calls and four SMS messages on my phone. By later, I mean three something in the afternoon. Considering that as a first date, I'd say it's a really bad start.

I apologized and setup another date two weeks later. She was civil enough to agree. At least until the day itself when she was the one this time who stood me up because she had a "really important thing going on" . She told me that the standup was completely coincidental but later on admitted that it was partly for getting back at me.

Too bad for her I was really planning to make it up for her by treating her to a really fancy resto that I knew was her favorite (I coerced Riina in telling me) - with reservations. Well not really formal reservations, just advanced notice to the seating manager.

You can tell at this point there was no real progress regarding things. So finally, I thought, what the hell, the girl who set us up must have had high hopes for this thing and it'd be a waste to disappoint her. So I called up the elusive date and said "Bad start huh? Why dont we try this again. Tomorrow morning, Megamall."

She again said "okay" but I wasn't expecting much from it.

Venue? Skating rink. Perfect, I thought. I could go teach her how to ice skate and it'll probably keep us occupied.

Well that plan failed too.

She was already inside when I met her. Well at least we finally met up, with only the safety fence between us. I got in, hopped into a pair of tight-as-hell skates that are duller than flatirons and went (translation: wobbled like a lame duck) to where she was.

Good grief. She was the best skater I've seen in my life. I haven't had a plan more thrashed out than the teach-her-how-to-skate plan up to now. I somehow made it up by feigning it was me who didn't know anything about ice skating (and if I really did know something, it was far less than her mastery). Turn's out she teaches almost as good as she makes comments of how much of a lame duck I look like when skating.

The date turned out to be fun for both of us though and that day was followed by a lot more sessions and cancelled sessions ( I swear, if we had something trully in common, it'd be standing up dates) And though things didn't work out for both of us, I still consider her as a very close friend (I wont go into details) and she knows damn well that our first days out were really exceptionally crappy.

Moral lesson? If you have a plan, stick to the plan. If the plan doesnt work out, have a backup available. If you cant satisfy both at the same time, don't even bother planning.

Also, fuck, don't wear really really small ice skates, specially if you have size 11 feet.

And then there were tears

I live near a well-known university. I live so near it, I sometimes wake up to the morning bell (sometimes, the Angelus - the 6pm Angelus) . That also means that despite me being out of school already for quite some time now, I can still observe student behavioral patterns the way I observe mold growing out of stale bread.

I was on my way home today when I encountered a girl crying, surrounded by friends who look like cannibals going to a tearjerking dinner. Now, a college girl crying can be caused by a million possible things, half of them can be found in the student registry under the gender 'M'.

This post is going to be about what I overheard as I walked past the girl. I heard three words:

"I failed PSYCH"

I found myself remembering the good old college days. Back then, there's no other day more entertaining than Course Card distribution day. It's like the whole school turns into a CHINOVELA/MEXICANOVELA bonanza, with Maria del Bobo and Dao Ming Zeropointzero crying left and right at every corner. Justice gets handed out in a number even the dumbest can understand.

0.0, you fail at life - intellectual justice has been served. I guess that's the worst thing you can become: stupid enough to fail a subject but just smart enough to realize you've bombed it.

If I was given liberty to do so, I'd declary every CCard day a holiday. It'd call it "All Stupid's Day" for it is the only day of the year where everybody come to mourn the stupid side of mankind.

Seriously. There's so much crying inside the campus every distribution day, you'd think the black death of ignorance passed through and killed off every first abnormal kid in class.

Well more like 10-20% of every class.

The bottom ones.

I mean why are they crying? I've failed a subject before. I dont know everything about failing but I do know one thing about it:

IT DOESNT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.

Don't act like somebody snatched your passing grade out of your pocket on your way to school. It doesn't work that way. You skipped those classes. You bombed that last formal paper. You failed to answer the questions. Why the fuck are you surprised and teary eyed when your teacher hands your eggs to you? (read: 0.0) You copulated with the chicken, expect the eggs.

It's like a teenage mom, 9 months pregnant, in the delivery room screaming "HOW CAN I BE PREGNANT?" I've heard of delayed reaction, but this is like having a new timezone for stupidity that goes months behind actual time.

As for the girl who I saw earlier, she failed Psychology - a generic subject that has 60% passing. I cant even narrate to you how hard it is for a normal student to fail that subject. Unless you have excess chromosomes, a predisposition to take teachers hostages for no reason at all, or 6 children waiting for you to bring home the bacon, I can't think of other reasons to fail. Even varsity basketball players pass that subject - and they dont even know how to read!

Thinking positively though, least she's not as delayed in her reaction as the rest of the celebrants of All Stupid's Day. Course cards arent due till next week.

Talk about anticipatory anxiety.

Fast Food, Fastards

I was a victim of a crime just now. I'd say it's a hate crime because I don't see any reason why that person could've done it to me other than hating me with absolute sadism in mind.

A friend and I went to a nearby Wendy's to have my lunch today and not surprisingly enough, there was a line queue of 5 people for each cashier. I fell in line and somebody took the orders in advance for faster serving. All is well, I thought. Four people in front of me. Then three. Then two.

And then there was one.

The lady went to the counter and gave her advanced order form. Cashier punched in her order and then when she was already about to pay, she saw the order of some guy from another counter and pointed at it saying "I changed my mind, I think I want that."

This lady spent a good 5-10 minutes staring at nothing but the main menu while in line and she decides to choose just now? But we can change our minds, I said to myself. The cashier had to reset the transaction by calling in a manager and prepare the new order set. So I waited. And waited. And waited, I could have sworn I heard God saying "If this lady makes people wait any longer, we're going to have to reschedule Armageddon."

Then she started picking out the contents of the her order like she's disecting a frog from a highschool experiment. I swear if killing people didnt make me lose my appetite, I'd be drenched in blood right now. And here was what she said:

lady: "Oh what are those things?"
cashier: "Macaroni Salad, ma'am"
lady: "What are the ingredients?"

What are the ingredients? Who the hell goes to a fastfood outlet and asks what's inside their food? This isn't Iron Chef, bitch. If I'm not mistaken, the ingredients aren't different from other food items in the menu. Take your food and MOVE.

Meanwhile, I'm behind her, slowly withering away because of hunger. I feel like I'm being slowly murdered by this lady. As a matter of fact, she took enough time away from my life to call it partial murder. There should be punishment for things like this. There are motorist laws that prohibit and punish offenders for obstructing traffic. And nobody even dies of hunger if you obstruct traffic. Sn this case, I move that the punishment should be more grave.

Which part of "fastfood" does she not understand? She's no different from those carrot-brains in the mall that like to stand in front of the escalator and start deciding where they want to go to right then and there.

I won't make this long because I know you hate to wait too. She finally finished picking off her food's contents one by one, she finally prepared to pay. With the indignation of a monkey set free in the wild she said in one breath:

"Got change for 1000?"

The cashier suffered a stroke right then and there.

Just kidding.

Maybe she just fainted.

Eitherway I had to transfer to another cashier. There is no justice in this world.

Real Men Swallow

How many times have you, in your childhood, been scolded for trying to swallow gum? A handful, I suppose. There are more terror stories about people who swallow gum than stories about people having a successful job after graduating as "game designers". And for this reason, we all grow up with an engraved fear of accidentally swallowing gum.

Well tell you what, I'm more badass than you. I swallow gum. And not "by accident" like you pussies. I swallow it just to show you how kick ass I am. I remember one time, I was faced with a bunch of rabid ninjas. I took out a stick of gum, chewed it and swallowed the gum. Those pussies couldn't contain their terror as they fled and turned into a bunch of sissies.

Last time I heard, they're called The Pussy Cat Dolls now.

That's right. Real men hold it in - piss, beer, and gum (doesnt matter).

Scared that the gum will go to your lungs or it will block your intestines or it will stick to your stomach or it will form into a huge bubble and lift you to heaven? I'm not. I'm hardcore.

HAAAARDCOOORE!

Is it just me or am I the only one finding something seriously wrong with a society that thinks it's okay to stick a two inch rod through your navel and drink lots of antibiotics just to get it pierced but swallowing a piece of gum that gets moved with your daily crap is overtheedge danger?

That's right, cavemen and cavewomen of modern society. Gum does NOT stick to any part of your body if you dont stick it to your hair. There is no known case of anybody ever getting gastrointestinal damage from having swallowed gum in the history of Philippine medicine.

I bet Cynthia Luster swallows gum too. We kick ass. Because playing it dangerous doesnt necessarily mean you have to play it ignorant as well.

And quite frankly, I'd rather be kickass than ignorant. Because here in Public Static, I don't just whine sweeped shit under the rug. I empower you to actually do something about it - so I dont have to.

NOW WHERE'S MY GUM??

Terror Camps

Ever since Sept. 11, 2001 lots of terms have popped out of the boobtube - buzzwords like terrorist networks, terror cells, extremist manifestos and more terror merchandise than the Olsen Twins' combined.

One particular term that got me thinking though is the term "Terror Camp".

What the hell is a "Terror Camp"? Is being fearsome so hard to do now in a society that pays the cinemas to get scared, where it's normal to look ugly straight in the eye and say "wow man, nice emo glasses" without flinching? Is the situation that bad for people to actually have to earn a bachelors degree just to be able to inflict fear on others?

If ever there is indeed one, and I'm for the say of argument, part of it, I'd feel being certified for stupidity. And that's NOT going to look good in my curriculum vitae.

And why are Terror Camps in the middle of the fucking desert with nothing but mudhuts and where it's always daylight? The scariest thing you can find there is a camel in heat with no mate in sight. What's so terrorizing about that? I think a better terror camp would be inside an old cobwebby castle somewhere in Transylvania. Because, shit, if somebody told me he's from Transylvania, freaking me out would be so much easier.

And have you seen these camps whenever theyre being televised? It's always one of two things. People standing out in the sun screaming incoherent shit (cant blame them, I'd scream like a jungle man too if you force me out in the heat) or people climbing jungle gyms like it's always recess. Where are the classrooms? You'd think they'd have at least decent facilities. No, theyre just out in the sun. I'm no expert in education but I think being baked dry under the sun while trying to learn shit isn't going to be effective.

I can imagine a terror camp like any other school, except with a more fear-centered learning system. Like, for example, there'd be metal detectors in the entrance gates of the schools - the same ones they have in the ghetto skoolz of the US of A, except that if they see you dont have any gum and guns, school admin will actually give you some (or ask your parents to buy them for you) for safety. Because remember kids, you're no safer in a school that outlaws and confiscates guns if one schmuck security guy let pass a crazy white kid with a rifle. Better be prepared - pack your own heat.

Then you go to class. Oh shit. The class. I can almost imagine how it'll go if some guy with common sense enters the place.

Teacher: Okay, children. Today we will be reviewing the topic "Blowing yourself up in with semtex to die a martyr and have sex with seventy virgins in heaven."

Billy: What's a virgin?

Teacher: *looks around* We'll be saving that for another day. Anyway, where do we strap the explosives again?

Billy: To our abdomen!

Mark: What the fuck. Why the fuck do you have to do that?

Teacher: Oh yeah, class, I'd like to introduce you to Mark, he's from the Philippines and he's new. Also he doesn't have a moustache so treat him like a special kid.

Mark: I'm just seven.

*long silence*

Teacher: *cough*freak*cough* Now back to the topic. Right, you are Billy! We use our abdomen.

Mark: I don't get it. Why don't we just leave the bomb someplace so we can live to see another day?

Billy: By Osama, he IS special.

Teacher: Sigh. Mark, that kind of thinking is dangerous. It's going to get people killed.

Mark: (isn't that what we're trying to do?) Now I don't know what's richer around here. Oil deposits or stupidity.

Teacher: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. If you don't put the bomb in your chest or abdomen, how do you think will the bomb get to the destination? Maybe we can make bombs that can walk! Hahahahahaha!

Mark: Or you can just carry it to wherever you want it to explode and leave it there.
*long silence*

Teacher: You're an infidel.

Mark: And you're retarded.

How the hard the fuck is it to be criminal? We have people ending up going to jail without them even realizing what theyre doing. Why the hell do we have to train for something as simply accidental as having babies?

What's worse is that they can't even get their shit right. There's a reason why bombs have timers idiots! It's so that you dont die with the explosion! I think we're all being bin laddened by stupid here.

The reason why terrorism is not effective is that we're employing the dumbest teaching techniques. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but one thing is for certain - even bad guys aren't excempted from dealing with dimwits.

Random Quotes:
Anna, if you keep on trying to become like others, how is your prince charming supposed to distinguish you from the crowd?

Blast From The Past Entry

While Google Cache hunting* earlier, I actually found an old entry I posted in a public journal some two years before I started blogging. I found myself smiling in a weird way after reading it. I said to myself "So that's how it feels reading my shit!" Read the whole thing and find out why.

---------------------------------------
April 4, 2004 04:05 PM (GMT)

Life never turns out the way you expect it.

At the start of everything, you lay out things and expectations that you want to see and do. But in the end, after one an endless plethora of compromisation, you end up with something that you didnt want in the first place. And then you just suck it all up, give your pat in the back and say: "Nice work, Jet. It might not be what you had intended it to be, but it's all good."

I think that just sucks. That's nothing more than rationalizing, sourgraping. But I do it anyway; You do it anyway; We all do it even if we know it bites more than life itself. Coz making yourself content with what you got sure beats doing the whole thing over again.

And so now I eat pasta with charcoal-flavoured sauce.

Days since umalis si Riina : 8
Days since bulok ang Ragnaboards : 7
Days since sumabog ung main pipe line sa CR : 0.5 (ay, kanina lang pala un)

Quote for the day:
"If you dont go to other people's funerals, they wont go to yours."
What has that got to do with anything? Thats the best part. NOTHING!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few days after that I think, I started writing what would be labeled as my defining story - Four Seasons. You can pretty much guess why I felt like writing it. (and no, it wasn't the burnt up spaghetti)

More historical posts tomorrow.

10 Ways To Ditch A Date (for women)

(alternative title: How to end a date while looking like the perfect bitch from hell)

Because here in Public Static, I want to be as equally discriminating as possible, I've decided to write something ladies can use for a change. Here is the top ten ways I can think of to blast your date back to the primeval ooze he crawled out of:

10 - I'd like to take you out, but the way I'm thinking it, I'm not carrying enough bullets.

9 - My dog called. He says he doesnt want any more pussies inside the house.

8 - If I turn you down will I be liable to the Cruelty To Animals act?

7 - Does your face hurt? It's killing me...

6 - Thanks for the date. The image of your face will help me control my appetite for my diet.

5 - I swear, when they said all your good qualities I didn't catch the hint of sarcasm.

4 -Have you considered Priesthood as a vocation?

3 -I expect more from a carrot so quite frankly, I'm not disappointed.

2 - I'll call you when I'm free - free to commit homicide and get away with it.

And the top 1 is:

1- You made me turn into a lesbian. Thanks.

Playing The Good Guy

So here's the picture. It's 11 in the evening and you're out drinking with your friends from the office. After a start with a couple of bottles of beer, your boss opens up several bottles of Jack and Jose and starts a shot-fest that ends up with two guys sleeping and five girls tardwasted (read: wasted enough to act their shoesize instead of their age)

You then see a drunk girl friend cussing all over the place using a microphone while being cheered on by her just as drunk bestfriend who swears up and down (and literally too, use your imagination) that they're both okay. Then your boss starts making funny fondlings at the girl and says he knows how to handle "it". Quite frankly, a pedophile saying he's a good babysitter sounds more convincing.

What do you do?

Of course you and your otherwise semi-sober friends (or semi-tipsy, if youre pessimistic) would gather up what strength you have and make sure she gets home awake even if you had to lift her kicking, fighting, drunk self into street after street of quiet neighborhood in a procession of cussing and heave-hos.

You lay her to bed, watch over her ramblings, pretend anything she says is profound and dodge any punches she might throw thinking you're the bad guy. Then, you wait for her to vomit and six punches and two bodyslams for you later, she does so. You nurse her wounds and try best to keep the big guy you work for at non-sexualharrassment bay without ticking him off enough to get fired on the spot. You try to lull her to sleep by singing the most embarassing songs you can think of (I tell you, it's yet to fail at calming people down) . Cold compress for the wounds, hot compress for the headache.

At this point I think Condeleeza Rice gets a better job description. (and she gets more TV time)

Three hours later, she finally sobers up and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, the party has come and gone, you get a hangover yourself for abruptly ending drinking, and your body aches more than it did after your first frat initiation. Adding insult to injury, people make post mortem talk of you being the one to take advantage of the situation. Trying to explain won't be of any help - you've been branded.

A day in the life of a good guy, or several hours of trying to be one.

Altruism, or doing without anything directly beneficial in exchange, has never been explained by the psychology. It's the ultimate puzzle of manscience. And you are the specimen. She wakes up hours later and whatever you do is forgotten. Congratulations, you win nothing.

Happened to me several times already.

I keep on asking the same old questions why we guys even bother. If the drunk person was a guy, we would have just beaten him up black and blue until he passed out and just let him sort his shit out the following morning, attributing his bruises to the story that he fell off the stairs seven times consecutively.

Not the case for girls. It's just harder, period.

But we do it anyway, sans any real explanation, against the man's instinct, and on the values. On a purely objective observation, the line between the good guy and the retard is very thin. Perhaps, I just might even be imagining its existence.

But then, against all the problems that it entails, there's that first breath you take after everything has been said, thought, and done. And I tell you, it feels good. A sense of satisfaction and a light feeling of a good deed done. It might not be worth it, but it's a worthwhile consolation.

To the good guys, read this message. I'll say once and for all that good guys do finish last, which is all the more reason for you to maintain your goodness for as long as possible. Because being good is seldom short in pains and easy to bear.

But it's a role somebody has to play.

For as long as there are parties, the temptation will be there.

For as long as there is alcohol girls will get drunk.

For as long as there are men there will be those who will try to take advantage.

And for as long as there are these things, there will be the calling for you to be the gentleman.

Whoring Out The Delivery

We got a special mail from McDonalds today. With it came coupons for free Big Macs, full combo meals and a personalized card saying:

"We wish to thank you for patronizing 8MCDO service 24/7. Let this Be Our Guest Cards be our humble way of thanking you for your loyalty. Please be assured that 8MCDO will be of service to you anytime, anywhere."

At the bottom, it's supposedly signed by Kenneth Yang, president of Mcdonald's Philippines.

You might be thinking, we get coupons all the time. What's so special about that? Free 70-peso burgers out of nowhere. Not discounts. Freebies. Now you ask why?

Here's why - because of the entire client list of 8MCDO (that's the whole of metro manila), apparently our two-room condo unit ranked as one of the top ten households with the most number of deliveries. In case you're not from around the Philippines , Metro Manila or just plain special, 8-MCDO is a special delivery line for all McDonald's branches in the National Capital Region of the Philippines.

Top ten. And there's just two of us here.

Now I'm not sure how you can measure how much of a couch potato a person living in a certain household is but I think it's a good idea to put in "ranking as top 10 delivery whores" as a very reliable metric.

If that's not enough, consider that deliveries made for when we're in Cavite arent even included. And that McDonald's isn't the only store we call for deliveries. (we have a very extensive list at home that gets updated more often than this blog) . I bet if we tallied those up, we'd be getting more than just a few free burgers.

I'm thinking a free 8MCDO motocycle, complete with personal delivery guy to run my errands. (like: DELIVER ME TO MALL OF ASIA! 28 minutes or less, bitch!)

But why Jet? Why not just cook? Simple. If I cook, I'll have to do grocery. I have to do the food prep. I have to do the dishes afterwards. And if I screw up the way I usually do, either I starve or get sent to the hospital for poisoning. Meanwhile, McDO offers food fit for 2 meals in every delivery.

Since the doctors of the hospital get tired of seeing you relieve yourself, perform gastric lavage, and examine your stool every other day, I'd just have to make do with fast food. Either that or I'm just too lazy. Why waste time cooking when your fingers could be pushing the remote control to channelsurf for another 30 minutes?

In the future, cooking will be pushbutton. But delivery will be telepathic. I consider myself as a very practical person always seeking the optimal way to do things. I need to get my stomach stuffed and I don't want to move.

So fuck pushing buttons. I'm still not cooking.

note: I'm back from HK but I'll be going to Caylabne this weekend so no updates again.

Announcement Marker

I'll be going to Hong Kong again tomorrow and I'm still not sure whether or not I can update as regularly, given my hectic schedule there. I'll be gone for a week since my return flight is Friday. Saturday and Sunday will be spent on a resort somewhere in Cavite so chances are I wont be getting to update then either.

For the mean time, I've gathered some of the more popular reads on this site:

http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/07/ultimate-reality-tv-show.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/07/true-merit-of-woman.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/07/ultimate-president.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/07/dr-man-consipracy.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/06/toilet-talk.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/06/airplanes-and-cellphones.html
http://redkinoko.blogspot.com/2006/06/bottled-water.html

This is based on the combined tallies of both the friendster blog and blogspot.

Read, repeat, reflect.

Hasta Luego.

Car Accessories Are For Cars

I was looking for a new pair of loafers the other day when something interesting caught my eyes. By interesting I mean completely retarded. Ferrari is now making shoes under Fila. That's right. From the engineers that brought you the most powerful street cars in the world, they now present to the world the most impractical, ugly shoes around.

What has car racing got to do with shoes anyway? I looked at the shoe. It's bright red with enough yellow trimmings to make it look like a pizza-textured footwear. There were lots of other designs with a common obvious theme - to look as distractingly malignant as possible. What's bright red, deformed, and not Michael Jackson's nose? Answer: Ferarri shoes.

Even worse is the fact that the people who will be buying these abominations for shoes are the same people who cant afford real Ferarris even if they sold their parents to the devil. Your car aint a Ferrari so chances are it wont match with whatever shit your driving (or riding) on your way to school/work. Why buy it?

Who would really buy this shit? I mean, the next dumbest thing I can think of aside from wearing those is tacking car accessories to your body to make it more "street worthy". Like maybe attaching wipers to your chest in case you get "wet".

Then you say "Jet, Ferrari is no longer just a car. It's a fashion statement! "

Wearing carparts is not a fashion statement. If it does state anything, it just states you are an idiot with lots of money to blow and no fashion sense to back it up with. Do you see how much anything with Ferrarri patches cost? Too much for a tasteless red piece of trash.

Or maybe you'll suggest "Jet, wearing race car brand stuff makes us support our favorite teams in racing, like basketball."

I say, it's just as stupid as wearing those basketball jerseys when not playing any game. Do you think by wearing that, the team in your shirt will acctually play better? Or by some twist of fate you will be called down by the pit boss to drive the car because "you support them?"

Dream on.

Wearing car accessories will not make you go faster. Wearing those shoes wont change your idiotic driving habits. If ever. the only good thing it'll be doing for anybody is that it'll tell everybody else that you are an idiot that should be avoided.

Perfumes, cellphone casings, jeans, jackets - theyre all the same. Stop wasting your money on pointless shit. Do yourself a favor.

Buy something cheaper and more practical - like a straight jacket and a pack of rat poison.

The Keys To Happiness

I don't see why the internet has to be the converging pool of so many people's sorrows. Happiness is easy to attain for those who know how to find it. I'm not saying I'm the happiest man alive but I know I'm happy enough overlook my problems. Here's a little credo I've kept to remind me of what it takes to be happy. I call these,

My Keys To Happiness

Be contented with what you have.
Learn how to laugh at the corniest of jokes.
Learn to lower your expectations and highten appreciation.
A standard that's not high is a standard that's easily fulfilled.

Talk to God like a Father beside you.
Call the cashier by the name in her name plate.
Give a beggar more than what he expects.
Life is food that tastes better when shared.

Greet the first guard you come across.
Treat a barista to a cup of coffee.
Smile at the ticket lady working at the cinemas.
Happiness is a sickness that you can only get by infecting others.

Thank your mother for birthing you to this world.
Give compliments to the chef.
Count the money in your wallet and imagine how many they'd be in coins.
True joy is often remembered more than experienced.

In this life we are never certain how long we will last.
And the future is more of a wish than a promise.
Each day the sun rises we should be able to celebrate.
And each sunset, learn to appreciate.

Because life can only be enjoyed with a smile.
And it can only be appreciated with somebody smiling back.
These keys of my life I present to you.
Use them to open your own doors to fulfillment.

--------------------------
Surprisingly easy, eh? Try to do these things and you might be surprised how happier you'll be.

Dogs Bite

I was peacefully browsing in the News Section of Pinoyexchange when I came across a thread that featured an article about China killing off 50,000 dogs. The threadstarter was obviously disturbed, not because the article was disturbing but because he is a disturbed person in general. I mean why would he otherwise be ranting about something so sensible? Why the fuss? It's not like we dont kill off thousands of other species everytime we go spray the house with insecticide. What's the diff?

So 50,000 dogs die. Big deal. It was for a reason anyway. Do you know how rabies kills? It's one of the most painful ways to die known to common man next to having to listen to Enya till your brain turns into a puddle of mud.

If people can kill livestock that provides food for millions of people because of a virus that could kill you in ten years exist in the meat they produce then I dont see why we cant kill animals who are generally useless unless supertrained to be otherwise.

Then you tell me "But Jet, dogs are man's best friend!"

Really now, you must be kidding me. When was the last time a dog carried you home drunk? When was the last time a dog lent you money for whiskey? Some friend your dog is. He cant even take a dump without doing it in your own yard.

And if dogs are so damn friendly, why do we have to invent dog leashes? Why do we make them houseguards? So they can be friendly to unwanted trespassers? Hypocritical losers. The dog is a man's best friend so long as it's not the master's ass he's biting with those rabid teeth of his.

Being bitten by a dog sucks. There is nothing cute about teeth sinking into your skin. Try feeding your arm your best friend dog sometime, you'll be wanting to shoot him between the eyes afterwards.

You want a best friend? How about a goldfish? It's quiet, it doesnt shit all over, and the only way it can harm you if you swallow it live and choke on it and die. In which case, you're stupid enough to deserve it. What better a friend than that?

When was the last time dogs saved a boy from the well anyway? Never. Lassie is extinct. Other than domesticated stress relievers and occassional burglar alarms, they're practically of no use, unless you consider them as meat subsitute.

And yet these animal activists still insist that dogs deserve the same rights humans do. These people. Is free time that much of a luxury nowadays that they find the time and effort to bother with animals who cant even acknowledge existence of effort from the side of humans?

Listen, if dogs are worth caring for, then so are other animals like cows and chickens. They are worse off since they get raised for the sole purpose of being killed. How do you answer to that you stereotypical cocks?

Maybe you're going to argue you're vegetarian. Do you think slaughterhouses will give a fuck whether or not a single person eats meat and really lessen the cows they kill per year?

NO.

The cow dies wether or not you want to justify the sole meaning of its existence by eating it. If cows werent meant to be eaten why are they made of beef?

Vegetarianism is like saying war wont happen if you dont watch the news about war on TV. Two words: NOBODY CARES. Hotdog wont disappear if you're the only one ignoring it, pretentious caveman.

Argument debunked, back to the topic. Animal activists say we should protect these animals because they cant protect themselves. Well now, isn't that just enough reason why we shouldn't care what happens to them? They can't even evolve proper intelligence. They're useless, period. Wiping them out won't even upset the ecosystem because dogs have long since been taken out from the circle of life, thanks to man, his "best friend".

Then, the thread starter proposes for a boycott of China. How do you do that again? By reading this you are already using at least 5 products from china. From the plastic that is used on your keyboards to the cathode ray tubes on your monitor to the cables that connect your house to the net. Wanna boycott? BURN THOSE THINGS and stay offline where your naivety is contained.

Why not boycott America England and Brazil as well? They killed all those cows. Dogs are a few genes away from cows. Dont be tools, stop being a choosy with your rules.

Humans win.

All your pets are belong to us.

Poems For The Win

Two poems made 5-10 minutes each. If Hallmark had more cards like these, I bet they'd be getting more sales. Because you get only one true love, and countless other oh-fuck-what-the-hell-was-that-about relationships.
----

Memories of You

The time is a clock one cannot unwind
each tick it makes, a second that's lost
Each moment reminisced, a failure to find
an exercise of chasing ghosts

Smiling, I look at the hourglass
I know I could dream past iron and trees
Time travel, oh the sweet caress
A song of lost memories

These stripes in my body golden
And the iron in my feet, the trance
In muntinlupa ,I think now enlightened,
How I should've killed that bitch with a hammer
when I had the chance.

How I Love Thee

I love you like the morning wind
With certainty of dawn
The oceans feeling that's yet to be seen
and the unopened seeds sown

I love you like the evening glow
The sun setting in regal grace
And how the breeze wherever it goes
to be with you the rest of my days

I love you like the solstice of spring
and as i write this down i begin to see
that much of this im terribly missing
how the subject isnt you, but my porn DVD

Urban Legends Die Hard

It's been almost a week already since I made my Urban Legend post in ragnaboards to prove my Urban Legends 101 article. For some reason, people are still being drawn to it like flies on shit. Anyway, I got to talk about it with a friend of mine who likewise finds the phenomenon odd.

So here's the log. This should be interesting since you get a glimpse at what I'm like when I chat. To no Filipino readers, please forgive my failure to comply to internationalization rules.

Dont be an ass, just this once.

Double-D: man, you rule in making urbanz legendz
redkinoko: people are just desperate enough to believe anything
redkinoko: http://cc.domaindlx.com/redkinoko/end.html <- I even remember idiots asking why this episode hasnt happened yet, 6 months after I made it.
redkinoko : I was thinking "shit, the animation there is too poor, surely they didnt thought I was serious..."
redkinoko : and that's my downfall i guess. I put too much faith in my fellow man
Double-D : HAHAHAHAHAhA!
redkinoko : i think i got them in the .kr website
redkinoko : ITS JUST FREAKING TEXT
redkinoko : then i realized it's these people who make religions out of Star Trek, Jose Rizal and Da Vinci Code
Double-D : *quotes* whoa...!! can't believe this... totoo ba talaga? i'm still kinda doubtful... pero infairness natakot ako...LOL
Double-D : *reply* tangina mo bobo!
Double-D : di ikaw ha
redkinoko : sabihin mo: ANG TANGA MO. KAWAWA KA NAMAN. PAKAMATAY KA NA LANG KAYA?
Double-D : wag
Double-D : isipin mo
Double-D : lumiliit na ang maynila
Double-D : konti na lang libingan
Double-D : dadagdagan pa netong gagong to, edi wala na
redkinoko : lol alangan naman ipakain mo sa ibang tao yan
redkinoko : e di tangina lahat tayo nagka mad cow pa? panira ng utak
Double-D : malamang
redkinoko: btw, check the other thread out. i posted an RO thailand picture in the "chastity picture thread?
Double-D : chastity?
Double-D : which one?
redkinoko : lol the URL is .th
redkinoko : im just adding fuel to the fire
Double-D : my god youre right!
redkinoko : these guys are desperate at this point
redkinoko : theyll accept any picture
Double-D : tutulong ako
redkinoko : I <3 Ragnaboards
Double-D : a "whoa" will do the trick
Double-D : bakit ba nagkaganito yung RB?!
redkinoko : OH GOD.
redkinoko : check the names thrad
Double-D : di naman ganito nung "old rb" days ah
redkinoko : YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD VIRUS
redkinoko : (a sad smiley would be appropriate at this point)
Double-D : OMG!
Double-D : ok
Double-D : ang galing mo N**** (omitted name)!
redkinoko : Tell him to "ask for special assistance for the answer"
Double-D : what are the odds of this guy dying from forgetting how to breathe?
redkinoko : significant
redkinoko : astounding when compared to negligible for normal humans
redkinoko : i must say though im quite enjoying myself
Double-D : redkinoko: im quite enjoying myself
redkinoko : NO
Double-D : that didnt sound right red
redkinoko : dammit
redkinoko : i r teh fapwnd
Double-D: respect bar dropped
Double-D : all time low really
Double-D: jet
Double-D : matanda ka na
Double-D : go out
Double-D : meet people
Double-D : mingle damn it
redkinoko : why mingle when i got a really good right hand that doesnt need flowers?
redkinoko: add my left hand and it's a threesome
redkinoko : fuck what the heck, add bantay and it's an orgy
Double-D : +vaseline and youre good to go
redkinoko: w*** post Today, 05:19 PM
redkinoko: psycho thread. It's still alive at 200++ posts.
redkinoko : it's like i unleashed an idiot bomb
redkinoko: and had a 100% casualty rate
redkinoko : i cant take this anymore
Double-D : makubex even made a sig
Double-D : CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR HELP US!
redkinoko : it's the Cisco Idiot Certification
redkinoko : Im a certified idiot, sir. Does your village require the presence of one?
redkinoko : "Sorry, RB has 10,000 of 'em already. The municipal requirement is ironically just one."
Double-D : hahahaha

The thread is still going strong and should be one of the longest non-game related thread around that messageboard.

German Moreno's Food For The Stars

There's a saying that goes "Any man can be stupid but it takes really really bad marketing to fuck things up." For all you young'ins reading this who are wondering right now what "marketing" is, allow me to explain. Marketing is basically "how you sell your products." This includes knowing who will buy your products, why they want to buy it, how much they want of it, and for how much they'll buy it.

It's a simple concept.

Know your product, know your customer - make shitloads of money.

Marketing.

Now what is bad marketing? Bad marketing is trying to find out who will buy your products by asking deaf people about your new mp3 player, asking why poor people would want to have a gold-plated yacht and asking how much people will pay for candy-coated dogshit.

I'm not saying I'm a genius in this field but GOD DAMN, can some people fuck this job up OR WHAT?

Let's take for example a certain restaurant that opened up sometime in 1998. Actually it's reportedly a chain of restaurants under the same flagshitp name but I never saw the other branches so I wouldn't really know.

GERMAN MORENO'S FOOD FOR THE STARS. It used to be located at the top floor of SM City Bacoor, where people don't usually go. Strategic postioning for something you want people to go to, dumbasses. You might as well have placed the branch at the bottom of the fucking sea.

A themed restaurant, the Master Showman himself explained that every customer shall be treated to a celebrity-filled experience each time they eat there. Don't ask me. I don't know what the fuck they were thinking either.

It must've been the retardation-driven craze of popularity recieved by Kenny Rogers when it first opened that started giving the people behind this project crazy ideas. By crazy I mean shoot-people-in-a-clown-suit crazy.

I mean look at the guy. Stare at him for 30 seconds. Does he make you any hungrier? Can you say "Boy that face just makes me want to eat mechado!"

NO.

How were these assholes able to associate good dining with a face that could very well be the next dieting sensation of the century? German Moreno diet - lose weight as you lose appettite. I swear, everytime I see that hair motherf*cker on TV my utensils stop being eating tools and become accessories for murder - frustrated murder, because I believe German Moreno's skin is too hairy for anything to go through - it'd just get stuck with all that pubic hair growing around him like medieval armor. And then you'd be too grossed out to take it out.

Let's just say if Cousin It from Adams Family were real, you'd be looking at one helluva copy of the genuine article. Cousin Can you say dandruff? Ewww shit.

And then he opens up a restaurant. It could've been anybody else. No, it had to me him. Fuck that. What does he make us expect to find inside? Good food? I thought of the things they might serve there.

House Specialties (Food that we've made to make sure you get those "walang tulugan" nights after)

Germburger: Germilicious sa sarap. Wrinkly meat and hairy buns. You don't get shit like that anywhere.

Master Showmenudo: What's red and hot and with pubic hair all over? Clue: You're reading it on the menu.

Moreno-odles: It's like angel hair noodles except it's not from any angel. And instead of white, it's black, think and curly hair. Check out the century-old soup. No words can begin to describe it (choking, barfing, and defecating sounds can though)

Other Star-Studded Meals (because That's Entertainment without the "tai"):

Paella Flores: Because some recipes just get better with time. (this isn't one of them)

Sinigang sa Sam-Milby: Swift All Meat Hotdogs in a sour unstomachable soup. A recipe that's part-filipino, part-american, all sellout.

Sandara Parkebab: Like the actress it was named after, meat on a stick but lightly with more meat (and talent).

Footlong Padilla: It's Binoy's Big "Brother" a hit among our happy (read: gay) customers.

Judy Ann Santokwa't Baboy: All the cholesterol, none of the controversies.

Chicharon Cuneta: Seasoned thick skin taken from only the biggest swines in the slaughterhouse.

Ethel Boobarroz Caldo : Also known as Soup Number Six.

Oh man, I can't wait to eat those. And by eat, I mean avoid like rape in a dark alley.

Anyway I don't have to tell much detail about it but needless to say the store remained open for a record two months, before somebody got pissed enough to actually burn the entire floor it was in (4th floor, where the cinemas and computer stores are, which pissed me off even more) and convince people from marketing who concieved that attrocity for a product that they've done something monumentally stupid.

That's one bad idea down, another 3,276,758,252 ideas to go.