Worst Movie of All Time

( subtitle: Because All Blogs Have to Have A Review)

I was presented with a challenge yesterday. Think of the worst movie ever and write a review about it. Well, I hardly thought it's a challenge. And nobody presented me with it either. It's like I just had to do a review of this film when I remembered it. This movie is like an Armenian kid with a funny smell who stutters and likes to eat glue - it'd be a crime against humanity if you didn't make fun of him/it when the situation is just begging for otherwise.

Without further ado, here's my review of Philippine Cinema's WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME: Yamashita: The Tiger's Treasure.

I tried to like this movie. I really did. When it came out on the cinema, I wanted to watch this over Cesar "pussy soldier" Montano's Bagong Buwan (Our soldiers fighting in Mindanao arent homosexually inclined pussies. Montano's depiction is just wrong.) because hey, World War 2 themes can't go wrong.

But then again, 5 minutes into the film, I found myself wanting to shoot the projector, shoot Chito Roño the director, and then finally shoot myself in the head for being stupid enough to expect something better.

I've enlisted the things that you may want to observe when watching this film (because story-progressive reviewing will make this article even longer than the scripts of the main characters combined)

- The story begins with a diary. It's a diary - a personal recollection. Lolo Melo's (the old douche in the story who claims to know the treasure's location) is so f'ing detailed, you could have reconstructed the whole pacific theater of war using the diary's specifications.

- Cue in the ex-lovebirds Camille Pratts and Danilo Barios. Ex lovers. Interesting premise. Unfortunately it doesnt get any further than 10 minutes into the film before the director decides theyve elaborated enough. The conflict of their relationship never gets resolved and nobody talks about it anymore than they talk about scandals about priests (begging for a sequel? more like begging for a salvage killing)

- The unifying bond between the grandfather and his grandchild is playing the harmonica. None of them could play the damn thing properly. I've seen Kitchie Nadal faking playing the guitar better than the two (and she sucks bad, so that's saying much already)

- The "pearl harbor" raid depicted on the film is just shit wrong. The reason why planes flew low in Pearl Harbor is because the water was too shallow for torpedos to be dropped from a high place. They bombed an airfield in Yamashita. Why did the Japanese have to use the same technique? Because it "looked good"? At this point I realized they created a film about a war without anybody knowing a trace about the war in the pacific. (And the douchebags behind the film had the audacity to dedicate this to the veterans they never consulted)

- The film features a car chase - a landmark in Filipino Action film. They do a chase in EDSA(flyover and shit) and if you take a look outside the car window, the chase looks like it's happening in Matrix-style bullet time (like 10kmph, slower than your average tricycle ride) Strangely enough, they end up somewhere in Tondo moments later, a good 10 km away from EDSA. I've seen action scenes in Sineskwela done better.

- After the car chase the gang of Danilo get captured anyway. They board a boat to the treasure island. Surprisingly enough, they had time to change clothes (WTF) before going to the ship.

- The Yamashita treasures are anything but realistic. Asian gold are labled with english writings. I think they used Gold Coin Chocolates here too. If I were Danilo and my grandpa would say this is the treasure he was talking about, I'd slap him and send him to the home for the aged to be put down like a sick animal ASAP.

- The treasure cave collapses at the end of the movie, during which the villain suddenly decides to have a change of heart and help the good guys out. Where that came from, or what his motivation was - I have no idea. He was 100% evil throughout the film.

- Scenes are skippy as hell, with no transitions or scenic cohesions whatesoever. One moment they're talking in the house and the next thing you know, they're being chased in a mountainside. I thought I was blacking out and skipping scenes while watching this movie.

- The dubbing and foley sucks, you'd think somebody filmed the actual film in the theater and sold it as a pirated CD, and then made it into a film again - which in turn became the final product. The voice doesnt match the mouth movements and the explosion sound effects are almost a second delayed. (and then they'd call it digitally mastered. More like masturbated on. Really.)

- Danilo Barios can't act, period. Adding Camille Pratts into the mix won't make things better. And even if they did know how to act, the one-line, one-worders they keep on uttering throughout the film wouldnt be enough to make any effort stand out. Tip: "Dad!" "Lolo!" "Wag!" arent Oscar winning lines.

This movie proves that you can give as much budgeting to a bunch of clueless toads all you want but you still cant get a good movie without common sense (note: When this was made, it has the most expensive production cost in Philippine Cinema History). It goes on to lead me to thinking Chito Roño is an overhyped cocksucker who's too full of himself to actually make a decent film.

And to prove once and for all that we have the worst commercial movie industry in the world, this film won the following awards in the Metro Manila Film Festival it participated in:

Best Picture, Best Story, Best Editing, Best Screenplay, and Best Cinematography Award

I rest my case.