Playing The Good Guy

So here's the picture. It's 11 in the evening and you're out drinking with your friends from the office. After a start with a couple of bottles of beer, your boss opens up several bottles of Jack and Jose and starts a shot-fest that ends up with two guys sleeping and five girls tardwasted (read: wasted enough to act their shoesize instead of their age)

You then see a drunk girl friend cussing all over the place using a microphone while being cheered on by her just as drunk bestfriend who swears up and down (and literally too, use your imagination) that they're both okay. Then your boss starts making funny fondlings at the girl and says he knows how to handle "it". Quite frankly, a pedophile saying he's a good babysitter sounds more convincing.

What do you do?

Of course you and your otherwise semi-sober friends (or semi-tipsy, if youre pessimistic) would gather up what strength you have and make sure she gets home awake even if you had to lift her kicking, fighting, drunk self into street after street of quiet neighborhood in a procession of cussing and heave-hos.

You lay her to bed, watch over her ramblings, pretend anything she says is profound and dodge any punches she might throw thinking you're the bad guy. Then, you wait for her to vomit and six punches and two bodyslams for you later, she does so. You nurse her wounds and try best to keep the big guy you work for at non-sexualharrassment bay without ticking him off enough to get fired on the spot. You try to lull her to sleep by singing the most embarassing songs you can think of (I tell you, it's yet to fail at calming people down) . Cold compress for the wounds, hot compress for the headache.

At this point I think Condeleeza Rice gets a better job description. (and she gets more TV time)

Three hours later, she finally sobers up and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, the party has come and gone, you get a hangover yourself for abruptly ending drinking, and your body aches more than it did after your first frat initiation. Adding insult to injury, people make post mortem talk of you being the one to take advantage of the situation. Trying to explain won't be of any help - you've been branded.

A day in the life of a good guy, or several hours of trying to be one.

Altruism, or doing without anything directly beneficial in exchange, has never been explained by the psychology. It's the ultimate puzzle of manscience. And you are the specimen. She wakes up hours later and whatever you do is forgotten. Congratulations, you win nothing.

Happened to me several times already.

I keep on asking the same old questions why we guys even bother. If the drunk person was a guy, we would have just beaten him up black and blue until he passed out and just let him sort his shit out the following morning, attributing his bruises to the story that he fell off the stairs seven times consecutively.

Not the case for girls. It's just harder, period.

But we do it anyway, sans any real explanation, against the man's instinct, and on the values. On a purely objective observation, the line between the good guy and the retard is very thin. Perhaps, I just might even be imagining its existence.

But then, against all the problems that it entails, there's that first breath you take after everything has been said, thought, and done. And I tell you, it feels good. A sense of satisfaction and a light feeling of a good deed done. It might not be worth it, but it's a worthwhile consolation.

To the good guys, read this message. I'll say once and for all that good guys do finish last, which is all the more reason for you to maintain your goodness for as long as possible. Because being good is seldom short in pains and easy to bear.

But it's a role somebody has to play.

For as long as there are parties, the temptation will be there.

For as long as there is alcohol girls will get drunk.

For as long as there are men there will be those who will try to take advantage.

And for as long as there are these things, there will be the calling for you to be the gentleman.