A Nerd's Survival Guide: The Beach

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

So you've finally gotten the chance to go to the beach with a couple of friends. A real beach, not com_beach02 map of the "jorlax" server of your latest MMORPG. A real beach with real sand, real waves, and real people. No man-eating crabs in sight. Cool, but let me ask you. Are. You. Prepared? No? That's okay. Here are a few tips to get you prepped for the sandy paradise you're headed off to.

- Going to the beach will not guarantee that all women there want to have sex with you (or any at all, for that matter). That Axe commercial was a lie. San Miguel was just shitting your pants too. You're not sexy even with a body spray/beer. It's best to act accordingly.

- Your email/chat/blog can wait. You may not believe it but you can actually live WITHOUT internet. Yes, for days and weeks on end. That 3242304924th episode of Bleach/Naruto/StarTrek/Whatever can wait. Naruto won't die. Don't worry.

- Bringing laptops to the beachside is not cool. It doesn't show you're successful. It shows you have a weird concept of work/play. If it's just to play mp3s, there ARE smaller players around. They've been existing since the late 90s, I'm sure you can secure one with your large budget for gadgets.

- Acting out your favorite "godzilla coming out of the water" is not funny or cool. Yes, even if you're covered in algae. It's just gross (although it might do your skin wonders, it will definitely kill your social life). If you havent thought of that, I have. I'm telling you just in case you think of the same thing.

- Beaches and alcohol go together like anal sex and lube. It's hard to go with one and do away with the other. Possible, but not as pleasant. Make sure you know your limit. The beach is a big place and there are a lot of things to do to people who get fuckwasted. You don't want to wake up on a raft halfway to Sorsogon. Trust me. (there's nothing to see in Sorsogon)

- Sunburns are not cool. Skin cancer too. Always bring with you a bottle of intensive sunblock. Apply just enough to keep you from becoming the gingerbread man after going to the oven. Apply too much and you'd look like Powder. Not cool. Be prepared to offer the sunblock (and applying sunblock) to all girls. Do NOT offer to guys. That's gay. If you need to know how to apply sunblock on other people, practice with your leg. I don't know why it has to be your leg. Thinking about it makes me laugh. Just do it.

- If you can, learn how to swim. Nothing's sexier than a man saving a drowning woman, unless you're the reason she's intentionally drowning in the first place. In which case it's not sexy. It's criminal. If ever she dies, do NOT bury her and build a sandcastle on top. It's not a funny joke - even by nerd standards.

- Related to the previous tip, don't drown. Drowning guys are totally not cool. And no, you cannot summon sea creatures to do your bidding with your shrilled voice. Also, Aquaman sucks.

- Know your allergies and if you do have them, have meds ready anywhere you go. The last thing your friends want is some guy convulsing in the middle of a deserted island because he ate grilled squid. If I were one of those guys, I'd leave you there to become Tom Hanks.

- Learn how to eat without a spoon and fork, knives, chopsticks whatever. Learn to use your hands like the caveman your ancestors once were. Knowing how to eat fish is also a plus. Knowing how to eat fish raw would be awesome and gross in a way.

- It's cool to get henna tattoos. Just try to pick a less incriminating design (i.e. anything that will ward off quality poon from 100 meters away, see sample picture below)

Dignity, exit stage left.

- My last pointer is perhaps the most important one. Be yourself, but don't close up to new ideas that weren't included in the lastest issue of Popular Mechanics. You'd be surprised how much shit you still don't know, like what a rimjob is. Some things you can learn from books, others, you learn while half-tanked in alcohol crawling your way to the shoreline to vomit your guts out.

Happy Beach Trippin'

1 comment:

fatkat said...

I miss getting beachwasted with you guys!


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