Some NES Game Covers (part 1)

If you're around my age, or if you just have a craving for blocky, eyesight-ruining graphics with near nonesense gameplay, you probably have played games in the NES like me at some point in your life. The following are some of the more obscure game covers that have come to represent (or misrepresent) the first console gaming generation.

BAD DUDES VS. DRAGON NINJA

It's very easy to get lost while exploring the intricacies of this video game cover art. I can guess at least three artists collaborated to do this cover (or one, with three distinct personalities) due to the rapid shifts of drawing techniques reminiscent of hobo grafitti you see under bridges.

Mainly, the cover is about two giant Bollywood action stars beating up goons climbing up a ladder while Human Torch and Richard Simmons try their luck in aerobics.

Also, mandatory headless ninja.

It's easy to guess why we all remember Double Dragon and not this shitty imitation.



ALL PRO BASKETBALL

Long before licensing became mainstream what he had to settle for were teams like "LA Breakers", "New York Slicks", and other asinine renamings of trademarked NBA teams.

The picture, like everything that is the latter quarter of last century, lacks proper perspective. The guy attempting to block is nowhere near a good spot to do the block.

Oh boy, I can't wait to get to play as Michael Yorden of the Chicago Mules! SNORE.









ATHLETIC WORLD

Before Bandai figured out how to turn Gundam into its main cash whore, they churned shitty games like this - a poor immitation of the classic game Track and Field.

In the picture, we see a kid in a pose I cannot imagine doable without a significant amount of pain involved. Seriously, who the hell runs like that? Joker from Batman?

He doesn't appear to be wearing any shoes. The guy who appears to be levitating using fart propulsion in the lower left doesnt have shoes either, probably from watching Die Hard too much.

To the left, an athlete smartly avoids hurdles by running to the side, instead of over them.

Powerpad is an early version of the dance dance revolution pad with the same mechanics, except this version causes cancer.

A BOY AND HIS BLOB

I guess with every kid going through a certain phase in life called puberty, the makers thought they can capitalize on a potentially infinitely large market by making a game about magical semen and masturbation.

Well it didn't work out as well as they had thought and this dark episode in game publsihing history taught the Americans a very simple lesson: Leave hentai games to the Japanese.

It just works better that way.










A NIGHTMARE ON ELMSTREET

So how about a four-player game based on a story where everybody dies without so much as a good fight? Sounds like good odds.

If you happen to be Freddy Kreuger.

But you're not.

Game caption: Freddy is out to kill you and your friends! See if you can be the last person to stay alive before you get killed anyway by the 8-bit version of Mr. Kreuger!









AMERICAN GLADIATORS

What better way to spend your free time than watching, oh hell, even controlling two black slaves fighting for their nonexistent freedom? American Gladiators let you do this in many exciting stages, including Slave Ship Showdown, Plantation Punchout, and Ghetto Gangwar.

I enjoyed the show, really. But I don't remember seeing only black people on the show. It was, afterall American Gladiators. Not African-American Gladiators, all Soul-Train'ed and shit.













AL UNSER JR. TURBO RACING

Listen, if your F1 assumes this position during the race, you can pretty much say you're fucked - two wheels are above the ground, your chassis is twisted as fuck and there are 4 cars waiting to run over your ass after crawling out of the smoldering wreck that is your vehicle.

Again, we see the problem of painting perspective. The blur must be caused by acid the artist was loading while doing this picture.

Al would've been proud. Or not.