A Review Of Weird Comic Book Crossovers.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Comic books are cool. And by theory, if we mix two cool things together, we get something cooler. Therefore, if you combine two good comic book icons in a story you'll get twice the amount of kickassery. Case in point? Extreme Sacrifice by Image comics, Infinitiy Gauntlet of Marvel, and Aliens Vs. Predator of Dark Horse. It's fool proof. Or is it? To answer that, I'd say "FUCK NO."

Here are some of the lesser popular (and rational) team-ups that have graced (read: defiled) the glorious stands of comicbookdom.

Robocop Vs. Terminator

Okay, Robocop is cool. At least, he was cool while I was growing up. On his own, he trully is a fighting machine fit to become a comic book hero. But when you try to pit him or even remotely mention his metallic ass against an obviously better robot, Robocop suddenly turns into "that oventoaster who could". As a general rule of crossovers, you do not place characters of different "cool" standards beside each other - pretty much like we don't mix Vina Morales with anybody who can even remotely sing better than the engine sound of a hard-starting volkswagen. Ditch this shit.

Archie and Ninja Turtles

I just don't know what happened. Is it because Jughead and Michaelangelo both love pizza? Is it because April O'Neal needed more female reinforncement? What in the Krang happened here? I couldn't fit Shredder in Riverdale if it was populated with tasteless foot soldiers for characters who do the same comedy-failing antics every other episode. Oh wait....

She-Hulk and Santa Claus

She-Hulk, summarized in one word, is forgettable. The only reason she's alive is the same sole reason Super Girl exists - a very small female comic reader demographic who just can't appreciate the male counterparts of these unpopular characters just because they have penises. Feminism blah blah blah. I got nothing against this crossover actually because as a general rule of successful crossovers, famous iconic characters have to be in them. She-Hulk fails in that aspect - among many others, like actually living up to The Incredible Hulk's kickassery. Also, the colour meshing of green and red reminds me of Bangladesh. Nothing good ever comes out of that country so you shouldn't expect much from this crossover either.

Godzilla Vs. Avengers

This is one of those failed "east meets west" kind of mix parties - like Jackie Chan's Rush Hour, except with more men in tights. And who better represent Asians than somebody with big eyes, big height, rough complexion, bad at math (proof: he's always against odds) and with a bad temperament? Godzilla sure fits the Asian stereotype. Not. Still, I'd pick Godzilla over Silver Samurai to come crash a western party for asians because damn, because that samurai guy is badly designed.

Superman with Nesquik Bunny

And then sometimes, you just see your favorite childhood superhero being carted off by some corporate brand icon for a "partner" after the creators of the comic book decide to just sellout for some quick money at the expense of the superheroes credibility. If ever this comicbook teaches you anything as a kid, it should be that money can buy anything - even superheroes. And that you should have a lot of this so-called money to go do whatever you want in life. Who says we never really learn anything from comics?

Popeye with Superman

Popeye is popeye and he's cool like that. Until you change the way he's drawn. Then he becomes just plain creepy - which is more like drunk-uncle-in-underwear-sleeping-on-the-couch kind of creepy. Allurism of performance enhancing drugs for sport and better living aside, Popeye does have better fitting into the superhero universe than Archie and friends, but I still can't get over the fact that he's actually made into something proportional - and realistically aged. If I wanted to read about grandpas, I'd flip the morning paper into the obituary section. Really.


kiel said...

you should see the Archie/Punisher crossover.

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