Apple's Comeback: The iCar.

Monday, July 30, 2007

At some point in time, people will probably wonder how the heck they'd get around bragging about their new Microsoft Surface. As with anything designed to enlarge the e-penis, a device's ability to be exhibited for the sole purpose of e-penis envy is very important. Given the sheer fucking size of Microsoft Surface though, lugging it around in your pocket for parties can be a problem, unless of of course you have no qualms about getting hernia.

So in the interest of promoting a product I can safely say I wont be buying anytime soon, I can only think of one quick, engineered solution:


That's right. Can you picture it now? You, the handsome motherfucker pushing around that huge table-like computer reminiscent of the arcade games of old. People who see you will wonder with awe: Is that the garbageman moving around the dump bin? Or is that a homeless guy with a wicked looking pushcart? No, it's you, you handsome devil - and your Microsoft

And then you'd probably get tired. So here's a tip for Microsoft's wonderful design team: Release a newer version, 2.0. And instead of making things smaller, lighter (that shit is Apple territory so, we're staying away from that), add an engine. That'll make the Microsoft Surface the first truly mobile electronic appliance of the future.

So what's better than a device that tells you how to get to places? A device that does that and actually takes you there* (*battery life to be improved in 3.0 with optional nuclear reactor)

Of course we cant expect good ol' Steve Jobs to take this shit lightly. Soon enough they'll release a counterpart, the iCar. Following the minimalist design, it'll probably balance on one wheel, with gyroscopes constantly recalibrating internal balance to make sure the car doesnt tip over. (expect really complicated technology to solve common sense problems) Controls will be reduced to "play, back, fast forward, and pause" with a clickwheel serving both as an accelerator and a steering wheel. Because less is more, right Jobs?

After that, Apple will screw its own userbase over again by releasing iCar Nano. 1/8 the size of the iCar, barely able to sit 1 man. You'd probably say "it's too small for its own fucking good." Expect fanboys to lash back and say "then all the better for the environment!" Because Apple products is awesome, like that.

Going further on into the forecasted future, the iCar Shuffle will be released - a sign Steve Jobs is no longer holding back. Destinations will be programmed using the iTunes in your PC (which at this time probably takes up 80% of hard disk space already, and is an OS of its own) and then controls will be reduced to just 1 button - which randomly takes you places, like the house of your mother, your exgf's pad, or maybe over a cliff.

Because life is random.

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