Some F'ed Up SNES Game Concepts

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

There was a time when finding a topic for humor took painstaking hours of dedicated research and devotion to the art of subtly finding points of interest in daily life. Now, thanks to Google and Wikipedia, we only need a couple of seconds worth of searching and a sustained pulse to be able to find something to make fun of. Today we review the awesome gaming era of randomness that is the SuperNES and the grand hall of forgettables in the gaming world.

Captain Novolin - An action adventure game about diabetes

Let me ask you an honest question. Was there ever a day in your life that you woke up from your bed, as a kid, and thought, "Hmmm, I'm feeling adventurous today. I think I want to go play an adventure game about DIABETES!", was there? Me neither.

Seriously. I don't think I'm alone in saying there's nothing adventurous about Diabetes. If ever I'm going to buy this game, it's probably for a gift to mock somebody who has diabetes. But since even I don't go to levels that low for a good laugh (much), I'll probably never buy anything like this.

Phalanx - The Enforce Fighter A-144

Two words. Flying dildo. In this game, you make your way through the dark intricacies of the female genital universe, avoiding contamination, and ensuring every bit of your energy is spent in achieving the goal of any starship of your class - orgasm.

So maybe that wasn't really their idea when they made the game, but the game cover sure makes up for the lack of information. Maybe the artist had something else in mind, but then again why the fuck would a space ship that's meant for going through ranks and ranks of vile enemies be encased in transparent plastic? Yeah, I thought so too. For better lubrication.

Phalanx 2 - The Hyper-Speed Shoutout in space.

*Movie trailer voice* For forty years, Bubba Rogers was a redneck quietly living in a swamp. Then one day, aliens from outerspace and started "a'disruptin mah terreeehtoreeeh". Little did the aliens know, this was one backwater bog they should have never stepped into. Now, an all out war is looming and it's up to the unlikely hero to save the world. One man. One Banjo. 10 Gajillion aliens. A universe in crisis.

Phalanx 2.

AEROBIZ- As CEO, You Call The Shots.

Okay, I just have to let this one out first. Is it just me or does this look like a 9/11 movie scene? Nevermind. Anyway, this game puts you in the seat of this man, whoever he is. Premise of the game is "Why slave away your life as an office worker for money when you can do it for fun on the SNES?" To add to the challenge, we're going to place you in one of the worst industries to be in - the airline industry.

Make me play this game for one day straight and I'll be calling just one shot, preferably with a magnum, just to blow whatever's left of my brain out.

Three words: Crash and Burn.

Sonic Blast Man - The Arcade Hit

I remember the arcade game. You hit a punching bag and then depending on how strong you hit the bag, the story line shows either a good end or bad end. It's a fun game to play, or even watch, as overego'ed guys try to impress their dates and fail miserably by injuring themselves trying to hit higher than 121 points. (Don't ask how much I was able to produce when I rose up to the occasion)

Then there's the SNES game. From a game of punching bag kickassery, you get a sidescrolling game with the same character, Sonic Blastman. Aside from the name and the look of the hero, there's not much in common.

Scratch that. There's nothing else in common. If you're going to make a game about a game with the premise of saving the world by simulating punching things and you take away the "punching things" part, then youre missing the fucking point. Nobody wants to play the arcade game because the character is cool. It's the other way around the character is cool because the game is cool to play with.

Ditch this shit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lol Diabeetus


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