Foreword (skip this if you like skipping stuff that begins with "fore")
I grew up in the late 80s and early 90s, a time when cableTV is still nonexistent in our hood, internet porn was yet to become available to the common man, and we only had about 7 channels to choose from (two of them were owned by the government and were therefore filled with nothing but shit). On these few channels, they were able to air some cartoons and those programs were practically the only things I watched on TV.
It is only natural kids growing up in the same setup as me, find certain characters from these shows more appealing than others. Because of this, there will be a series of Public Static articles featuring characters from Saturday Morning-type shows (type, because most of these cartoons were aired in our country at times other than saturday mornings but Americans call them that anyway so we'll use the more general term). In this first article, I'd like to focus on April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
A lot of things we learned as kids we learned from the TV. This includes distinguishing good vs evil (good people emit blue lasers when firing guns, bad people emit red), basic life facts (living in trashcans make you grouchy and covered with green crap) etc. Of course, it is also through the TV we start finding out what we guys wanted in life (read: chicks).
Case in point: April O'Neil. That's right, the yellow-jumpsuit wearing reporter from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'll tell you now what I thought of her with my prepubescent mind from more than 15 years ago: HOT.
Okay, so maybe the jumpsuit's a bit out of place for a reporter's outfit. I mean, when was the last time you saw a reporter in a jumpsuit, and a yellow one at that? Probably never. But that's just cool anyway because as a kid, that just made her extra "rad" (since we're talking about the early 90s here, I might as well use words that only existed at aroudn that time period).
Here's my short analysis why April O'Neil is awesome than most girls we know even today:
- She likes pizza. Okay, so maybe it's the turtles that like the pizza, but she hangs around them a lot and she never asks for anything else. You don't hear her yammering about calories and toxins and other minor stuff like carcinogens. She just eats. End of story.
- April doesn't mind hanging out in a sewer. Let's face it, cleaning is a bitch - megabitch if you're a guy. And if April can stomach hanging out in an underground lair by a river literally flowing with garbage and shit, she'll find a typical guy's room more than comfortable.
- April doesn't mind you walking around naked (or wearing a pink Kimono, whichever you think is worse). I don't know if that's a good benchmark of being a liberal girlfriend but I assure you it's one feature I'd appreciate for those particularly hot summer days...
- April O'Neil finds green-skinned bald guys with no jobs, schooling, or even a nose attractive. If that's not a standard you can pass with flying colors, you seriously need some reevaluation as to what you've become (exception is if you're a large talking brain sitting in the stomach of a white guy)
- April O'Neil can make walking around in a yellow Jumpsuit hot. Ask any of your girlfriends to wear that bananasuit and they'd probably fail at it. To sum it up: April is hot and anything she wears, she makes it hot (like, nothing)
She's hot because there's nobody out there like her. Or maybe there is, but like good parking space, she's probably taken (by a mutant turtle, assumingly) and you'd be forced to take one leagues away from her or one for the disabled.
If ever you see a hot reporter hanging out in the sewers with a bunch of deformed morons, you're probably be in heaven.
To borrow Robotman's words, Cowabunga. Cowabunga that girl in my secret lair all night long.