Fantasy Chat: Tree Afterlife

One of the most interesting "fantasy" conversations I'd like to hear is the type of chat trees would be having in the afterlife. I understand of course that trees cannot talk and there's very little chance that they have the same concept of afterlife as us but what the heck - I'm sure it's interesting enough, specially when they start talking about how they died and for what purpose they died.

Here's how I think it would go:

Tree #1: What's up man?
Tree #2: I got killed, that's what.
Tree #3: 'Sall part of they cycle man.
Tree #2: Easy for you to say, I didn't like the way I died.
Tree #1: And why's that? A lot of trees die without ever getting used for anything. You're in tree heaven which means you did something good upon dying.
Tree #2: I'm not sure about that.
Tree:#3: So where'd your stuff end up?
Tree #2: ...
Tree #1: Aww come on man, it can't be that bad. Me, I ended up being magazine paper.
Tree #2: Not bad. At least you made people more intelligent and entertained.
Tree #1: FHM Magazine.
Tree #2: Oh.
Tree #1: I don't think I can face my mother after learning parts of me recieved the wrong type of fluid coming out of a treecutter's wang. Piss yes. Sticky sap - NO.
Tree #2: Still, FHM is a pretty popular magazine. So much so they even mention us when reading it. "I got wood." see?
Tree #3: Yeah.
Tree #1: It was the Pops Fernandez issue.
Tree #3: God damn that sucks.
Tree #2: Wow, that's amazingly unlucky.
Tree #1: Still, it's a grace compared to my friend here.
Tree #3: Yeah.
Tree #2: Why, what happened to you man?
Tree #3: Chair. Not even intelligent shit.
Tree #2: Chairs are used for a very long time. Isn't that cool?
Tree #3: Not really. It actually depends on what chair you are.
Tree #2: What kind of chair were you?
Tree #3: Presidential chair.
Tree #2: And that's a bad thing because...
Tree #3: Right chair, wrong presidency.
Tree #2: Which was...
Tree #3: 13th. Erap sat on me.
Tree #2: XD
Tree #3: God damn that bitch was fat. Everytime he sat down I felt my wood creak even in the afterlife.
Tree #2: Still, you're pretty fucking famous, being the chair of a president who never finished sitting in Malacañang.
Tree #3: I forgot to mention he never washes his balls.
Tree #2: Okay, okay, sucks to be you too.
Tree #2: *Sigh*
Tree #1: I dont get it. Why are you still fucking down?
Tree #2: I'd still want to trade places with you guys.
Tree #3: And that's because...
Tree #2: I'm too embarassed to tell what happened.
Tree #1: What the fuck man. I had Pops' 40+ year-old cleavage printed on me.
Tree #3: And I had to put up with royally sweaty balls.
Tree #2: Yeah, that. But I -
Tree #1: Just spill it already.
Tree #2: Okay okay.
Tree #3: What happened to your wood then?
Tree #2: tissue paper.
Tree #1 & #3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
Tree #1: You fucked up.
Tree #3: Quite fucking true. Seriously.

So the next time you use any kind of wood-based products, think of the tree that died for that purpose. And think of his feelings in Tree heaven when he looks down on you (literally and figuratively) as you wipe that shit-crusted ass of yours with tissue paper. (Also, don't buy the Pops Fernandez FHM issue, if possible so it won't happen again)