McDonald's Needs Better Food Technicians

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Let's face it, McDonald's in the Philippines isn't exactly the most creative fastfood out there. The last time they thought they could pull off something radical, they came up with the abomination that is the LONGGANISA BURGER.

the only surviving image of it on the whole internet

It's the greasiest sausage on the planet squeezed into a patty and then put in between oil-absorbent bread. I honestly have no idea how the marketing guys were able to plow this product through all the levels of redtape without anybody mentioning the apparent lack of important attributes such as, maybe just maybe, EDIBILITY.

After that, the damage was so great and irreparable, most of us just flipped on the defensive mechanism of our brains that allows us to forget tragedies. (Exactly why you don't remember that this one was still selling as recently as 2006) The guys in HQ who were keeping tabs were so embarassed, for the last four years, they've done no other further "product enhancements". The only thing that they can do is the following:

1. Movie tieup
2. Change the color of sprite using dyes that taste like turpentine
3. Mix McFlurry with a new flavor

Speaking of McFlurry, they can't even get that right. I was in McDOnald's this morning and my officemate Julie pointed out their newest flavour: BERRY. No, no, not strawberry. You guys love that. They used RASPBERRIES. The same stuff they mix into cough syrup. Not that I am against the amazing hallucinogenic effects of cough syrup when you OD it (don't try this at home - at least not wihtout me), but what the hell
were they thinking in assuming that we'd love to have cough-syrup ice cream?

In Hong Kong, there's a Milo McFlurry. It tastes awesome. Milo is around us here in Manila, so I doubt it's hard to make. Hell, it's the breakfast drink choice of pretty much every other person who will read this article. Why do we not have it here?

Okay, enough ranting. To help anybody from McDonald's willing to lend an ear (or an eye), we at Public Static would like to give the following suggestions for their new product:

Chicken McFlurry - Chicken flavoured McFlurry. Your favorite dessert to go can now also be your favorite meal to go - and all in one nifty, pasty package.

Ketchup Flavoured Fries - Lazy people like fries. Fries are awesome with Ketchup. Ketchup packets are hard to use. We gotta bring the flavour to the lazy. Ketchup flavour that shit and watch it sell.

McIsaw - Sometimes when I eat dessert in McDo, I get to thinking. You know what would taste good with this? Fishballs and Kikiam. There's your market.

Now get to work!

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