My Dark Past

(subtitle: Jet does the Emo)

I was reading an article from another kickass site last night about Emos and Goths, or more collectively, contemporary garbage. The Dreth's article contained the following lines:

... I can't get over the fact the number just keeps increasing, since when did being miserable and with low self-esteem turn "cool" ? I can't lie, when I began using the internet I was kind of like that but never to the point of cutting and going to a chat room to brag about it (no, I never inflicted damage on myself). On MSN Chat (when it was open for everyone) all those with dark names would look mysterious and sometimes even seductive, granted it was only temporal stupidity I never enjoyed that small cyber-phase. Day after day it would be pretty much the same thing, you'd act depressed in the chat room and after the small chit-chat about nu-metal crap bands (still early 2002), and after that... you're pretty much a normal person. You'd laugh and talk about things from your everyday life.

So why put up a stupid-ass "dark" act at first? Because it's KEWL! Or is there any other reasonable explanation to it?

I was thinking, 8 years ago - when I first went online, wasn't I doing the same thing? I didn't want to admit it at first but at some point in time, I also wanted to be the "dark" one around. To doublecheck my case, I went to the first personal website I built years ago and began searching for clues. (and no, I don't have the best memory around to remember anything I wrote 8 years ago)

Here's a Section IX - My Character As I See It, taken from my autobiography created 1998.

If ever I was to be compared to an earthly object, I would frankly say, “I am a man likened to a Dandelion seed.” I drift high where no one notices. I observe, looking for good ground, seeing people passing by as they go along with their lives. The only people who notice are those who look. That is one of my principles in life. Punctual as I am, I always get to where am supposed to when time comes. Suppressing all winds of opposition. That’s what I am, the ever moving airborne seed.

Jesus. What principle, Jet? Being autistic and just "see" people? From how I see it now, my situation back then was so bad, I would have invented the term "intovertarded" just to describe myself. It continues:

I live by a series of truths, principles, and mottoes that I have proven true in time.
I keep these sayings for myself though I hope they will be useful to others someday.
Upon knowing these, perhaps it will supply my descriptions of myself. Let me show you
some examples.

- He who chooses to dwell in the shadows shall know the true value of light.
- Life is one crooked path of flowers and weeds.
- Happiness can never be found on the last letter of vindication.
- Beware the silent shadows of the night.
- Sometimes, the first letter of the alphabet can be found amongst the numerals.
- Truth will set you free but misuse shall bound you in shackles
- Up in the hill of knowledge, you can see the mountain of success
- Tread you way happily wanderer, for the worst lie ahead.
- Skulking in the dark will only leave you with more problems.

Here we see are early attempts of me to create autoquotations while trying to be dark at the same time. And failing at it badly. Very badly. "Beware the silent shadows of the night"? WTF. What kind of words of wisdom is that? I give up. And by "give up" I mean "hate what I'm reading right now with a passion."

The last part of the chapter finally reveals the "dark" side of me:

Such sayings guide me through my life. Some maybe just and some might be wrong but I believe that in due time, the right will be separated from the wrong. After all this how do I describe myself? I am solitary, enigmatic, creative, punctual, foolish, careless, kind (sort of..), childish and unique amongst others. One thing I can note from my character is the shifting balance of the sense of solitude. Sometimes I like being alone. When alone, I feel that I am at peace. However, when I am alone for certain periods of time, I long for the company of others. It seems as though that in this time of my life I am undergoing radical changes. Whatever comes out of these changes shall be the basis of my permanent character many years from now.

What a boatload of bullshit. Alone? I couldn't even cook back then. God I cant believe I was trying so damn hard back then. I want to knuckleslap my younger self right now and pull back at the last moment to make sure the hit stings.

*long sigh*

If ever there's a redeeming value to this, it's that even then I already acknowledge that there is something very wrong with that way of thinking and that I should undergo radical changes. I knew, though not clearly at that time that I WOULD GROW OUT OF IT.

I think this phase is like masturbation. It's was enjoyable for a while to act dark and shit until you realize you're fucking with nobody but yourself. Then you just try to forget about it and move on.

And for the record, I never thought that self-mutilation is cool. Suicide is out of the question - there are enough stupid people on earth, me killing myself would offset the balance between normal people and retards to the favor of the retards. I'd rather kill off some of the retards to vent.

But I guess we're all entitled to occassional stupidity, and hopefully learn something about it in the process. What did I learn? Trying to be dark when you're clearly not is not only retarded but also RIDICULOUS to anybody from the future who'll look back and say "maan, this guy needs to get laid".

Now it's your turn.

WAKE THE FUCK UP!