Alien vs. Predator 2: Survival of The Fittest Review

The spoiler-free review of the movie Alien vs. Predator 2: Survival of The Fittest can be expressed using the following pseudo-mathematical formula:

Screenplay + massive amounts of shit = final movie.

Anyway, I might as well continue with the spoiler-filled non-mathematical derivation of this formula - the actual walkthrough.

AVP2 picks up from the last AVP movie from a couple of years ago and tries to redeem the wrongs created by the first movie (both plotwise and quality wise) If you haven't seen the first movie, you have absolutely no good reason to watch this film. If you have, unfortunately, seen the first movie, I'd say the same thing.

Storywise, AVP2 starts right after the predator who got infected with those stomach thingie worms as seen in AVP1 is taken to a Predator ship. The predators who picked up the body seemingly suffer from an identity disorder, as they seem to act less like bloodthirsty motherfucking hunters from outerspace and more like the dumb astrovictims from JasonX, causing alien to make a comeback. After the spawn emerges from the predator it becomes a creature that's half predator, half alien and all bullshit (science has proven aliens dont change form depending on its parasitic host, e.g. sigourny weaver's broodlings didn't look as ugly as her).

The hybrid takes down the ship and crashes it to earth. Along with the space ship, whatever potential for coherent progression of the film gets incinerated. Change scene to the predator world that strangely enough looks a lot like Bangkok, a single predator sees the crashing ship and soon picks up the task of cleaning up everything.

Much like the Transformers movie, both the Aliens and the Predator get sidetracked to develop 5 human characters (Ex-convict, pizzaboy, sheriff, GIJane, girl-who-exists-solely-to-strip-in-an-unnecessary-pool-scene) . Using the word develop might somewhat be an understatement as each of these characters are given a total amount of dialog that would probably fill no more than two pages of bond paper. Since Aliens and Predators don't talk either, you can tell that whoever subtitled the movie for the DVD version didn't have too much of a task.

The predator starts chasing the aliens one by one. People start dying. GI Jane's husband gets killed in front of her eyes but she runs away and completely forgets about everything moments later. Some stupid jokes about the government are thrown in for safe (read: retarded) measure like "The government will never lie to us" and "I told you terrorists will come in ville. It's only a matter of time." People who uttered those lines died seconds later.

Predator forgets his mission and starts fucking everybody up including humans and aliens. He is later asskicked by the halfpredhalfalien creature which he chases with a vengeance in a series of scenes reminiscent of the original Donkey Kong game (lots of iron bar levels, fireballs and barrels)

Meanwhile, the girl-who-must-strip finally strips. Random jocks ruin the party. Alien (who apparently likes watching girls stripping) ruin the jocks.

Later on in the film, more people who are not related to the main plot are given death scenes again (including the entire battalion of national guards,less than 10 in number, who also think they're cast as the astrovictims from JasonX.) The townspeople are reduced to 20 or so people without much fanfare (read: no blood, no bodies, just plain plothole)

The heroes finally meet up together and then "split" into two groups. One group goes to the hospital where they are again reduced in number. The other group goes to the town center. Girl-who-has-shown-her-ass finally gets voted off, along with teammates who I dont even recall ever entering the movie. Hybrid fights the predator again in a barehanded UFC style brawl that ends up in a draw. The hospital group ride a helicopter and escape the city.

The towncenter group (including the sheriff main character), I SHIT YOU NOT, gets blown to bits by a nuclear explosion from a bomb dropped by an F22 that came out of nowhere for no given reason at all (other than to cover all those plotholes and save film time). The bomb destroys everything including the Aliens, the hybrid alienpredator, the predator, and every body else in the film except the hospital group. The helicopter crashes in a mountain where they are retrieved by a new set of soldiers, and then they cheer up and celebrate - completely forgetting that nuclear explosions cause cancer and that everybody they loved had died nagasaki-style.

Because of this, nobody wins in the Alien vs. Predator match - pretty much like having two boxers duke it out and have both of them shot by a .45 in the head at round 10. In the question of survival of the fittest, apparently F22s with nuclear payloads win.

End of story.

The plot dies a gruesome, pointless death and we're still mourning.

Whenever I write long stories, I always imagine being able to end a story anytime by inventing a fictional meteor that crashes into earth and kills everybody in the plot if I get too lazy to continue. I never thought anybody would really pull that shit off and still make it all the way to Hollywood post-production.

Aliens vs. Predator is a very easy concept to explore and given the right budget it's fair to think that failing at it would be hard. Aliens invade, predators help humans. Humans kick ass. Is that so hard?

QED, see formula above.