Oneliner Digest

Just another roundup of oneliners. Some of these came from my status in facebook.

Okay, by some, I mean all of them, but what the hell right?

Never hit a man with glasses, specially if it's your drink that he's holding for you.

(more after jump)

You don't treat love like a 7/11. Never enter one expecting convenience. Or free Slurpies.

Being the best in life is a lot like being the best in typing maniac. Either get good enough to best all of your friends or hang out only with friends you're sure you can beat.

Any programmer can say "Hello World". A really good programmer can make the world answer back.

Every time lightning strikes, I wonder if God also goes "*&#*(& static!" too?

And so the wolf huffed and puffed, but still couldn't blow the house of bricks down. Finally, he said, I give up, and called Super Mario...

There are three types of happy people in the world. The ignorant, the contented, and the drugged out. The ignorant are the happiest, the contented stay happiest longest, but those drugged out get the funkiest happy moments.

Whoever said TGIF was probably never into project-based work.

Kapag nadapa at sumubsob sa lupa, wag magdamdam. Isipin mo na lang, magandang pagkakataon yun para mamboso.

Dear IBM, Please do not design your Rational IDE in such a way that it does many things automatically without our explicit instructions. It complicates things, specially for the lot of us who still believe in demonic possession. Thanks and Regards, Java Developer

I bet workers at the ribbon factory complain about having to go through lots of red tape too.

It's not pride that oft kills a man, but the itch to act on it.

Some people are born to create. Others are born to consume. Painters create. Critics consume. Dancers create. Watchers consume. The lovers, how beautifully do they create. And the lot of us, left to consume what they leave in their wake.

Dapat kapag may nais kang sabihin na mabuti sa isang tao, hindi ka nagaalinlangan. Huwag kang umasa sa bukas, dahil ang bukas ay isang tusong kaibigan na maaaring mawala na lang ng biglaan, kasama ang pagkakataon na hindi na darating muli. Wag mo na hantayin pa ang habambuhay na pagsisisi. Umamin ka na. Gwapo talaga ako.

Pilipino United Kontra Ilegal Na Gagagwing Immediate National Assembly!

Having to chose between Eclipse and NetBeans is just like choosing which type of car you'd want to run over your foot.

Minsan sa umaga, gusto ko na lang matulog ng matulog, kaso, palagi na lang ako sinisigawan pag ginagawa ko yun. "HOY NAGMAMANEHO KA!"

FACEBOOK as a word isn't new to me. 20 years ago FACEBOOK is what our teachers would tell us when we were too distracted in class.

Sometimes I put on my earphones even when there's no music playing because I'm not trying to keep noise out, I'm trying to keep my thoughts from leaking.

A framework server walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why so down?"

Knock knock. Who's there? AEON. AEON who? "Somewhere AEON the road, our roads are gonna cross again, doesn't matter when~

Bakit sweet pag naguusap ang dalawang programming IDE? Kasi baka nagkakadevelopan na sila.

Geek joke moment ulit. Ano daw ang kinakain ng developer bago maglunch? Ano pa? Eh di SOFT LUNCH!
Restaurant city diet: Water, banana, apple, slave labor. What are you waiting for?! Start losing those pounds!

Dear Dark Lord

One of my more successful non-prose attempts at fiction in Ragnaboards is back for a limited time. It's about an enemy boss in Ragnarok Online giving advice to both fictional and user-submitted mail seeking his rather blunt advices. To those who still remember, I did a similar thread like this about four years ago. (yes, damn it, it's been that long)

Those not familiar in RO may read it too since I tried to make things as easy to understand as possible.

You can find the storythread here.

Tagalog Banana Na Na Na

Yes. Today, we celebrate Banana day.

If anybody's looking for me, I'm in my room, crying.

Super Book Opening Video

A nice insight on how people viewed computers back then - mystical portals that automatically scan your books, and suck your souls afterwards (and your little dog too).

UP AME no Jidai 2009 Date and Venue Confirmed

It's confirmed, folks. UP Anime and Manga Enthusiasts (AME)'s yearly fair is going to be held this year on November 28, 2009. Surprisingly, the venue has changed to the A-Venue Hall, admittedly a bit larger than the usual Bahay ng Alumni venue that's always been AME's turf when it comes to the yearly fair. Yay for not having to go too far to attend. Having always been a south boy, 25 years on and I still feel alien in Quezon City. It's like if people started talking in a strange dialect and made use of a different currency, I won't least be surprised.


Anyway, yeah, granted I'm available, I'll most likely be attending this affair as well. Whether or not I'll be wearing something silly that I will regret showing to my kids one day is still up for much debate by subject matter experts.

As for the meaning of AME no Jidai, it's probably about a group of special individuals who are capable of harnessing the Force. (before some hardcore otaku hits this sites with typical smartass comments, yes I am full aware of the joke that I'm throwing and yes I am aware that it is corny as hell.)

If any of you guys will be coming too, drop a message. We can go exchange some really terribly bad puns there while drinking gulaman. (God mandates there be gulaman in all AME conventions, and that's something you can always look forward to)

Facebook Spam - Lazy Awards

Here's yet another disturbing sign that facebook spammers are no longer even trying. This spam application tries to masquerade as part of facebook and fails in doing so because of some stupid grammatical mistake that makes the bank-scam Nigerians proud of their own work.

Speaking of SPAM, if I'm not adding people to Facebook it's probably because of three things:

1. I don't know you personally.
2. I know you personally but your name does not match your facebook identity.
3. You tried to sell me insurance once upon a time.

To the guys who like to use handles, I know it sounds like I'm being picky, but I don't want to be unfair to the other people who are normal enough to use their real names for their profiles. Privacy levels should be equal for all. (I noticed I added some exceptions into my list. If you feel like you should be part of that list, holler me up.)

Finland Fashion is Weird

stylishly homeless

All racial slurs aside, this website is just plain weird.

http://www.hel-looks.com/

Now I won't claim I'm a genius when it comes to fashion but damn, is this just messed up or what?

It's like some child-god went in and played dolls with the Finnish, dressing them as she pleases.

You can claim it's art, but I dare you to say that some articles of clothing there were just not meant to be worn the way they are.

Alodia Nude Naked Pictures

Are you looking for naked pictures of Alodia Gosiengfiao? A lot of people are looking for something that will satisfy their want to know if such nudes exists, but there's probably no site out there that will give you what you're looking for. Good thing there's this page, because this page is dedicated to the discussion of this topic.

Actually no, this isn't about her as much as it is about how interested people are in finding naked pictures of her. I'd like to do a bit of social experiment. I remember before, I got to talk to a prominent blogger, Marghil and he said that one way to make a website earn hits in a somewhat underhanded, but perfectly legal manner would be to talk about porn, and not post anything that's about porn.

I thought, how the hell would that work? And then he proved it to me once, because other people were doing it, as with the case of Naruto Porn (yes, you can click that, it's worksafe.). The link is the #1 result when you google for naruto porn and it's not even related. So I guess it does work.

The whole topic got forgotten already, at least until I started to notice that a good 10% of my google hits were coming from people who were looking for April O Neil porn. Yes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reporter. (You'd be surprised how many people want to see their idols in a nudie scandal, fictional or not) And then today, a friend of mine suggested this project.

I wonder, however, if the same thing will apply if we were to take things into context of the current cosplay community. Alodia may have her flaws, but she doesn't look like the type that will indulge the wanton lustings of her mindless fans. I remember before she got an offer from FHM to appear in it, and she had already turned it down. And we're just talking about appearing for an interview, not posing naked.

So if you're still wondering if you're going to be seeing anything here, I'm sorry. You won't. I'm just adding you up to the legions of maniacs who will be visiting this page thinking they're going to get some. Shame on you.

Keep your dirty fantasies to yourself and just read up about Alodia the cosplayer on her wikipedia, like a normal, godfearing fanboy.

Her official website can be found here.

Harmless music you don't really want to hear while having sex

- Tetris Theme Song

- Voltes V Opening Song

- S2pid Love by Salbakuta

- Bridal Chorus aka "Here comes the bride"

- The Selecta/Cornetto melody

- Circus! Theme music

Kisses - Yung Mabango

Kisses siguro yung isa sa mga pinakamalaking misteryo ng kabataan ko. Kisses. Yung mabango, hindi yung tsokoleyt. Kung hindi mo na naabutan ito, ang "Kisses" ay parang mga maliliit na butil ng transparent na goma na nagsisilbing pabango ng di mabilang na pencilcases ng mga babaeng estudyante ng aking panahon. (pati na rin siguro yung pencilcase ng mga lalaking di pa lang alam na babae pala sila at heart) Kung hindi mo alam kung ano ang kisses at nakakita ka ng batang sumisinghot nito, iisipin mo nagddroga yung nasa harapan mo.

At syempre, kung alam mo ito, malamang alam mo rin na "nanganganak" sila.

Bawat babae ata na tanunging ko, iba paliwanag kung paano manganganak ang isang unggo ng goma. Karamihan sa kanila, naniniwala na nanganganak ang kisses pag nilalagay sa bulak. Yung iba naman, kailangan daw kasi may combination ng kulay ng kisses na magkasama sa bulak, kasi may babaeng kisses daw at lalaking kisses. Tandaan natin na gradeschool ang mga taong nagiisip nito. Daig pa beterinaryo. Yung iba, ang payo pa magbabad sa alchohol, yung iba naman sa mertiolet daw. Parang may sariling branch na ng science eh. Kisses Biogenetics.

Hindi ko masukat matarok ang kabobohang ito, kahit noon pa. Taena, pano nga ba naman manganganak ang goma? Hindi ba goma nga yung ginagamit para hindi magkaanak?

Pero pag iniisip ko, naniniwala din ako dati na pag inilagay ko sa kahon ng posporo na may bulak ang isang gagamba, titibay din ang sapot nito. Hindi naman pala totoo. Sasarap lang ang tulog nya dahil malambot.

Minsan, iniisip ko, may kisses pa ba? Sa dinami dami ata ng mga urban legend ng kabataan ko, etong kisses lang ang alamat na lumalaganap dahil lang sa kakulangan ng mga bata ng abilidad na magbilang.

Yun lang ata ang kailangan mo para makabenta sa mga bata eh. Sabihin mo lang na nanganganak yung bibilihin nila, para isipin nila baka pag magaling sila magalaga, pwede na rin sila gumawa ng sarili nilang pabrika.

Ewan ko ba. Basta tanda ko, mabango yun. Pero hindi masarap ang lasa.

Yun lang.

Claymore DS Review

Claymore for the Nintendo DS is the game adaptation of a sleeper hit anime/manga series of the same name about half human-half monster women created by a shadowy organization to fight demons in a medieval setting.

Personally, when I found out that a game was coming out for the DS more than a year ago, I was simply ecstatic. Claymore belongs to the Shounen genre, but does not delve on the usual cheesiness prevalent in typical hack-and-slash stories like Naruto and Bleach. Manga scenes are always beautifully drawn and even in the anime produced by Madhouse a few years back, the series boasted artistic battles and realistic strength progressions.

If there was any anime-to-game translation that I would watch out for, I knew it in my heart that it would be Claymore.

I won't dillydally and get to the point. Claymore DS as a game is simply disappointing.

Graphics-wise, the backgrounds are very bland and feel detached. Across six stages, I saw four backgrounds basically being alternated: town-forest-plains-cave. It reminds me of Shadow of the Beast for the Sega Master System, which is kind of cool, if we're still in the 1980s. The claymore sprites are disappointing as well, given that we're talking about an anime that boasts a uniquely detailed artstyle, we're treated to a bargain bin SNES sprite that hardly passes for a claymore were it not for the trademark cape. Monster design is likewise borderline retarded, with the first four levels alternating between wolves of various colours and demihumans of various colours. I specifically do not remember Clare ever fighting power ranger puppies.

Gameplay wise, the concept of being able to adjust the claymore's power levels is pretty sweet, with the risk of "going over" being higher as your power level goes up. The representation of power is somewhat lacking however, as your moves are still limited to the same things, and the only indicator you have is the electrical aura around the claymore's body. The usage of a radar to find your target is nice, which kind of reminds me of the dragonball radar.

Controls are simply too clunky. Response is somewhat delayed and the physics is seriously messed up. A few minutes of fighting with the monsters in stage one will tell you how much problem you'll get because of it in the future. Fight scenes are downright crass, lacking the finesse you'd half expect with Claymores involved. There are times you'd think you're playing a clunky NES castlevania beta.

As for storyline, you get to follow three claymores, including my personal favorite Miria. The storyline faithfully follows the actual storyline of the series and yes, you do get more moves later on. If ever there's anything a fanboy might delight in, it's this aspect.

That mentioned, I think for a conclusion I believe this game is what it is. A boilerplate anime-to-game translation reserved for only but the diehard fans of the series who can look beyond the game's rather obvious flaws.

If you ask me if I'm playing, screw it.

I still <3 Miria.

Software Engineering Term Meanings

subtitle: what they really mean.

Anybody who's sat through a class or seminar on software engineering may encounter a lot of unfamiliar terms and concepts previously unheard of, such as measuring effort in terms of "manday" units and realizing that software engineering is about as boring as watching water plants grow in the Sahara.

In an effort to address the problem of unfamiliarity, I've taken the liberty of defining SE terms and what they REALLY mean when applied to you and your project.


Mandays - basic unit of measuring effort and time, often used at the start of the project to overestimate the size of the endeavor and then used at the latter parts of the project to denote how many days you still have to do overtime to catch up.

SDLC - Software Development Life Cycle. Describes the procedures that you will not be following throughout the project. Standard format is as follows: Requirements gathering - System design - Development - Quality Check - Sudden Inexplicable death of the project.

Cost Estimation - The process of calculating all possible effort needed in the project, factoring in the assumed risks and the profitable amount of slack that can be used to compensate any problems, then printing the estimate document, placing it in front of the table in the meeting of the clients office, and watching the clients squat over the document and take a solid dump on it, while staring at the project manager squarely in the eyes.

Project Management - The art of making sure developers look like theyre doing something even when they're not and making sure the clients look like they're getting what they want even though they're not.

Best Practices - A myth told to kids so they'd grow up wanting to become IT people.

System Requirements - A jumbled up definition of what the user likes to daydream of when not using company internet to surf for porn. This serves as a guide for when investigators are checking for the cause of a system analyst's suicide.

System Design - A system analyst's way of trying to make sense of the system requirements, which is basically like trying to find a pattern in television static. The System Design document boasts many uses for the developers, but are mainly recognized for their ability to keep bodies warm when burned during wintertime.

Project Phase - An organizational unit for dividing projects into several segments to make sure that even though the project will be a total failure, partial money will be earned off of it.

Quality Assurance - The fine fine art of developers washing their hands of their work so if in the future their programs dont work, they always have somebody to blame for not being able to spot their own bastardous mistakes for them.

Production Launch - Kind of like true love. Everybody dreams of it. Few ever find it. Even fewer people survive it long enough to enjoy its benefits.

System Developers - You poor bastards.

Benefits of Wearing A Flu Mask (N95)

So I finally wore a flu mask today going home from work. In case somebody here is a smartass, I'll go on ahead and say yes, the mask does very limited help in protecting you from contracting flu. I know that already, and thank you for informing us you have google too.

If, however, you think that you may want to stop the chain of infections by removing the "lol not me" kind of mentality, go buy an N95 mask (the one that looks like what carpenters use when painting). It's a lot more useful than the standard surgical masks. Those things are available at Watsons for 65 pesos apiece.

Anyway, that said, here are some of the other indirect benefits of wearing a flu mask (aside from preventing flu)

1. Everything coming out of your mouth gets filtered, so you might as well have bad breath and the people around you will hardly notice, except you of course, since your mouth and nose share the same space, it's basically like fart bombing yourself on a continous basis. If you have a high tolerance for rancid things, wearing a mask allows you to skip brushing your teeth, because hey, who knows where that might lead? (answer: being an acceptable member of society)

2. Wearing a mask instantly creates an invisible wall made up of smuggery and fear around you, rendering you free to move about while people consciously avoid you like the plague. Which is funny, because shouldn't you be more scared at people who have their filthy mouths uncovered and aimed at your face? Ever thought of what it feels like to be Moses? Wear a mask and walk in the middle of an MRT train. Start coughing if you think you need more elbow room.

3. You can make faces all you want, and nobody will ever know, you're puckering up already at that sexy girl beside you in the bus. (Provided your eyes aren't as betraying as mine)

4. People focus on your mask, carefully distracting them from noticing your raging penis erection.

Voltes Five Opening Song

Here's a video for the apologists who claim that the 80s is the best time to have spent your childhood. If this video tells us anything, it's this: YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

(more nostalgia after the jump)

Maaan cartoon opening songs used to be so damn epic. If you read the lyrics there, the Voltes V opening song is an anthem to awesomeness, which is understandable, because this was written and sang before people developed buzzkill ideas like "political correctness", "doctrines of nonviolence", and "Mar Roxas".

Anybody singing this song out loud is like singing a war hymn while on the way to battle. (What's that Ben 10? You need to get circumcised? Sure, man.)

If I die, I want this to be my funeral march song. It'd be so awesome. The only way I can think it can become more awesome is for my coffin to start merging with four other coffins to form a coffin robot or something. Think we're dead? THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT DOCTOR ARMSTRONG TOO! And we'd probably save the world while we're at it.

About the vid, it's still sending me mixed emotions. I never thought the singing voice in the opening song was natural and seeing a 50 year old woman sing it perfect to the pitch while wearing what looks like a tattered fireman and boots kinda make me cringe a bit.

But then again, that's what manly things do to you.

You cringe (and grow chest hair at the same time).

Good stuff.

Restaurant City Diaries

Welcome to Restaurant City,
one million inhabitants, one million homeless people.

Everybody thinks Restaurant City is the most awesome city in the planet, boasting all of the most exotic restaurants ever conceived by disgruntled office workers who clearly have too much time in their hands. There's always food for everybody, everything costs 2$, and best of all, there's always at least one restaurant run by a dedicated owner 24/7 (against all rational reasons)

But is it really the most awesome city? In this startling revelation of an account written by an anonymous restaurant city worker, we slowly learn that like most things in life, there's always two sides of a plate.

For the approval of the midnight society, I present to you the tale of the Restaurant City Diaries.



Day 1
I've finally arrived at Restaurant City. I came here upon hearing that this place is in constant need for workers. True enough, I suddenly find that every street is filled with nothing but restaurants filled with customers who appear to be also working in other restaurants. People here sure love to eat. There are a lot of peculiar things about this city, and the fact that all buildings seem to be always only on one side of the street that seems to go on forever is the least of my observations.

Day 2
Finally started working for a place called [Need Rice and Lemon]. Don't ask. I have no idea why they called it that either, although for some reason the signage changes depending on our needed ingredients for today. The place looks decent enough, and I happen to be working with another employee who, for the lack of a better description, has green skin and a mustache. I have given up trying to figure out his/her gender.

Day 3
Apparently, restaurants here thrive on the principle of barter. Veggies and food are traded through notices via our mailbox, along with furniture, and quite possibly illegal immigrants. Speaking of mailboxes, some anonymous person keeps on dropping strange quiz letters on our mail that bursts into flames if we don't reply within ten seconds. I thought we already had this sort of thing sorted out in the 80s the moment we canceled the TV series Mission Impossible. If I do reply correctly, I get raw beef in the mailbox. What kind of sick prank is that?

Day 4
I'm starting to think that our restaurant is alive. It seems to be growing in size overnight without anybody ever doing anything. There are times when I can almost hear it breathing down my neck while I'm cooking food. Speaking of cooking, we do things very differently here. Everything has to be cooked in a stove, even salads and ice cream. Who makes up the recipes in this place? And I thought fried ice cream was ridiculous.

Day 5
Sanitation seems to be a big issue here in restaurant city. Sometimes I'm cooking food one moment and then scrubbing the crusty dried out feces in the toilet bowl the next, after which I find myself once again tossing salad in a hot frying pan. The customers don't seem to mind, which leads me to think there's probably cocaine in these food items. Our food items are supposed to improve in quality overtime, but I realize nothing is changing both in ingredients and in the look. Possibly more laced cocaine? I'm scared I'd have to find out one way or another.

Day 6
It's been six days here and our staff has grown from two to four people. I have yet to receive any payment for my efforts and I haven't had an inch of rest since Day 1. The working conditions here is appalling. While we keep on cooking delicious food, our owner insists on giving us nothing but water. When we end up overworking, we get treated to apples and bananas. This is insane. I also realized there's no real way for me to quit unless I get fired, which never really happens, ever. I'm starting to rethink that this career move wasn't exactly the best one I've made.



Day 7
The situation has gone desperate. We're not getting paid, or allowed to leave our posts, or rest, and the owner seems to have abandoned us leave us with nothing to eat but the strange pizza slices that appear on the floor for no apparent reason. Our waiters have already collapsed out of exhaustion and I feel like I'm about to run out of energy soon as well. For some reason the customers think this is all normal and just go complain that they're not getting service anyway. This is inhuman. I'm sending this journal through our mailbox that people may read about the injustices happening here in Restaurant City. Does this city even have a mayor? Where is batman when you need him?

Day 8
Screw this, I'm off to live as a 24/7 mascot in Pet Society.

Sefl-Quarantine, Day 2

Today's the second day that I stopped going anywhere outside my flat. Last Wednesday night I began feeling slightly feverish, fatigued, and drowsy, which is according to my constitution, either I have been drinking too much scotch beer or I'm going to get a flu. Usually, sleeping solves the problem, but in some cases, the fever lasts longer.

Considering I live near La Salle and I have a lot of Lasallian neighbors, I've decided to put myself in a self-imposed quarantine.

Yes, I can still go to work. And yes, the symptoms I'm having a relatively mild. But that doesn't mean I should act stupid and think the swine flu can't happen to me, which is probably what infected people are thinking, and why the virus keeps on spreading.

And then you ask me, "Red, the flu kills only 2% of the infected, you scared pussy! Why are you so nervous?" Well, that's true, and granted, I won't really panic about me dying soon. The thing is, while you and me might not be endangered by some variant of having chills and a runny nose, other people might, like you know, people with pulmonary conditions.

So preventing catching and spreading the H1N1 isnt totally about avoiding death. It's more about trying to save other people from dying because you're being dangerously ignorant.

In a way, I might just be doing the most heroic thing I've done this month.

While inside my house, doing practically nothing.

Can you do that, superman?

Yes, it's inconvenient and yes, it sounds overkill, but nobody ever said curbing the spread was going to be easy. I bet half of the asshats who kept on commenting about how I was too harsh on the firsdt infected La Sallian student for being aloof, are out in malls right now thinking they probably not "it", and are probably filthying up this country as we speak.

Stupidity kills, and that's fine by me.

What worries me is that sometimes stupidity of one person kills other, smarter, people too.

Hay-Kho and Haiku : An objective comparison

On the right corner, we have Haiku, an ancient Japanese form of poetry and currently the most bastardized icon of culture by the Western World. On the left corner, we have Hayden Kho's videos, which isn't really art, but is just as famous at the moment.

That said, let's get it on!

Haiku - Lines vary in length, but generally short and straight to the point
Hay-Kho - Videos vary in length, but generally short and pointless

Haiku - Very easy to make, anybody with a pulse and a writing hand can make them
Hay-Kho - Slightly harder to make, specially if you have to hid the camera - needs more than just a hand to make, you also need a partner (preferrably decent looking)

Haiku - Usually used to depict nature such as the moon and the stars
Hay-Kho - often found with Hayden mooning random celebrity stars

Haiku - Japanese in origin, but later associated with lazy western poets
Hay-Kho - Korean in origin, but later associated with lots of pwet from all over the world.

Haiku - usually badly written, but people claim to find profoundness in it anyway
Hay-Kho - badly shot, poorly lit, but people can't seem to get enough of them

Haiku - thousands of them are being churned out from the keyboards of misdirected teenagers on a daily basis
Hay-Kho - it's said only 40 of them have ever been made (so far)

Haiku - Reading them makes you feel good, as in "I feel good because I know I can do better than this 17-syllable piece of dogturd"
Hay-Kho - Makes you feel good in more ways than one, for reasons I won't go into details here.

Haiku - Make one now and you'd probably be ashamed to show them to your children one day
Hay-Kho - They're like heirloom, man, in the same way we all inherited vintage porn from our ancestors.

Ang Pinaka Malaking Problema

According to this screen cap of AkoMismo.org, si Arnel Pineda daw.

(To replicate, visit AkoMismo.org and then screencap after the first 5 seconds. If you happen to like Arnel Pineda, refresh the page to produce the same banner with a different personality)

Pluto Is Now A Discoball

Just because Pluto is no longer a planet doesn't mean it's any less funky.

(see picture to the right)