Coffee Shop Assholes 101

Saturday, July 12, 2008

As a quick foreword, I am not an avid coffee drinker. The stuff fucks my system up faster than unchased gin. I go to coffee shops because more often than not, they're the only places inside malls where you can talk to another person without having to shout in flea-market volume. Of course, other people want to go the the shop too, and for other reasons - mostly not directly involving coffee, which is sort of like going inside a cinema to get airconditioning. And as with most of what I write in this site, where there are people - there are assholes. That said, this article is a quick list of assholes you might, and probably will eventually come across during one of your visits in these shops selling hot water tainted with boiled innards of overcooked beans. (not so classy now is it?)

5. Overclassy callcenter agent
Okay, so maybe I'm stereotyping here, but stereotypes are there for a reason. It's like every time I go to Starbucks, there's always this one noisy asshole who disrupts the tranquility of the cafe by ranting mindlessly about his new cellphone or last "call" in perfect American (i.e. pretentious asshole) accent. Whether it's a force of habit or just his way of asserting superiority over other patrons is not known. In fact it doesn't even matter. Fact is, nobody really gives a shit about anything that comes out of his mouth, unless it's his broken teeth after somebody finally decides that his coffee is best served with a nice add-on socking in the face with a fist.

4. Internet Leech cum Laptop asshole
Technology is a great thing. Laptops are a great example. What's not great is that technology comes with technofags who consider their new "gadgets" are a status symbol. Always appearing to be the diligent corporate powerhouse on the go, these guys are often staring at the screen, barely touching the coffee that they are supposed to be drinking inside a COFFEE shop. Truth isn't as awesome though, as most of these guys are either in the shop to mooch on the free wireless internet, streaming the latest funny off youtube, and updating their sad overcustomized friendster accounts that hardly anybody visits. Actually that' s only for the subtypse that have learned to figure out how to connect to the wireless. If you're observant enough, you'll notice that most of these laptards are just doing any of three things:

- Watching a movie. That's why they look concentrated, most laptop speakers sound like shit and people have to concentrate to understand anything - specially when it's just a pirated movie you torrented off the net.

- Looking at ugly pictures of them and their friends.

- Randomly clicking at folders. I swear to god, there are so many people who do this, like they've never seen a windows folder in their entire lives and eyes filled with wondering if the next folder will hold something special. (read: specially retarded)

3. Bulk buyer
This person is somewhat special because most likely, she will not be staying inside the cafe - for long. Instead, she'll be choking the line by ordering what will range between 4-11 cups of coffee for her officemates who happen to be too fucking lazy to get off their useless asses and get their own. Much pity is to be given to this person, directly proportional to the number of cups she has to buy, because each cup represents at least one person in her office who happens to be smarter than her in the sense that they were able to pretend to be more important, and therefore need to be in the office more than Bulk Buyer. Meanwhile, you're stuck in the waiting area, wondering whether you can get coffee faster if you started planting a coffee tree outside and wait for the beans to grow out.

2. Out-of-school student
Out-of-school student isn't really out-of-school. He just happens to choose to become a student outside his school. These guys are easy to spot, with books and notes scattered all over the table/s and spare chairs that would otherwise be perfectly good for, oh I don't know, DRINKING COFFEE and SITTING DOWN. These guys apparently haven't heard of the term "Library" where there's pretty much everything they would need to study - minus the coffee that you don't see them drinking anyway. Every now and then you'd hear him trying to chant a list or formula he's trying to memorize, which theoretically would give him a scholastic charm that might get girls interested in brainy guys hooked - but fails in doing so anyway. Listen, if you think studying in a place where lot's of people are talking is good for your grades then maybe you're not taking the right kind of education. *cough* SPED *cough*

1. Generally every person who takes 2 hours to drink a regular joe.
Now this is a no-brainer. We all had this coming. And you fucking know you're guilty of it too. Shut up. You are. Yes, you and your friends. Remember that time you guys had already finished your small cups of lattes and you were still hanging out in Starbucks with your friends, mooching off the free water, airconditioning and ambiance while people outside waited for you guys to finish and finally realize you're just being a bunch of cheapskate assholes? The guy standing outside could've been me. And I was thinking of making a list of assholes you find in Starbucks with you in my #1 position. It's a coffee shop. Drink the goddamn coffee, talk while you're at it, then order something else or LEAVE.

Some people.

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