Wanted: The Movie Review

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Spoiler free part:
In my life, I've done many stupid things, some of those I really enjoyed doing with the full knowledge that what I was doing was stupid, but hella fun nonetheless. This includes repeatedly crossing a very deadly highway after school so I can shorten my trip home enough to be able to watch afternoon cartoons as a kid, and, decade later, making it hard for the next generation of highway crossers on that same stretch of asphalt with my car.

If those sort of experiences can be turned into a movie, the result would become Wanted - a movie riddled with many things that will make you say "THIS IS FUCKING STUPID." while sporting a raging hardon for the nonstop awesomeness the movie delivers. Directed by Russian Timur Bekmambetov, this movie is all about awesome scenes that go hand in hand with jackassery that's simply mindblowing.

The story is about joe schmoe named Wesley whose father is a member of a fraternity of assassins wittily nicknamed "The Fraternity" (oh u). After his father dies, he is then recruited and sent of by the fraternity to avenge his father.

In terms of actors, the movie is not lacking. There's Morgan Freeman in his eternal "mentor/quiet leader" stereotype and there's Angelina Jolie. Did I mention there's Angelina Jolie? because I thought I said "Angelina Jolie went naked again".

Action sequences are top notch, with gunfight sequences that say "This is how Equilibrium's Gun Kata should have been done", awesome enough to look cool and realistic enough to say "Fuck Equilibrium!" One liners aren't lacking either, and the presence of Russian humor adds a distinct flavor to the obviously overdone premise.

Spoilers start here:

If you've noticed, I used "stupid" once too many in this review. It's for good reason - because many times during the movie, common sense gets sacrificed in the name of looking cool (or just having fun)

- The multistage sniper rifle used by Wesley and Cross mark their targets with an X. A huge fucking X mark. You think if you were somebody from The Fraternity you'd notice something like a huge plaster marking X placed on top of perfectly good carpeting. Well, turns out these guys may be great assassins, but they just have no taste when it comes to interior design.

- Rats. Peanutbutter. Wrist watches. I don't think I've ever seen anything as ridiculous as that scene. The fact that he was able to fill a dumptruck filled with rats that had wristwatches attached to them meant Wesley spent countless hours taking them out of the truck (he lead the rats into the truck with peanutbutter first), slap them with wrist watches and placed them inside again. If you try to do this in real life, it's a suicide mission. Interestingly, you just might be the first ever victim of the Black Death in a hundred years.

- Still on the topic of rats, how hard is it to close a goddamn door anyway? The entire factory exploded because of the rats. That means every room in the place had to have been open (and there must've been peanut butter like fucking everywhere) Why a textile factory would have peanut butter is beyond me. (last time I checked we don't need peanut butter to make popped-collar shirts)

- The Fraternity is a 1000 year organization. The automated loom presented in the movie on the other hand, was nonexistent until the 16th century. Meaning for the first 700 years or so, these guys weren't doing anything (planting corn, maybe?)

- Wait. Loom. Talking. It's a loom that talks. You'd think they couldn't have done so badly in finding an excuse for killing people. Think about it. 1000 years of obeying thread runs in the produced textile by accident. You'd think some guy would find the idea stupid and the whole thing would die out after a year or so, but no. It actually lasted for 1000 years.


The movie has lots of stupid moments, but you have to admit, curving those bullets are just too cool. While saying "this is stupid", my face had a grin that just wouldn't go away. As a corporate slave like Wesley, seeing him indulge in his fit of rage was pretty awesome too, because that's something I'd never do and walk out of in one piece.

Wanted in a sentence is "The most stupid awesome thing you will watch this summer." or "The most awesome stupid thing you will watch this summer." Either way, fuck it. Imma watch it again.

1 comment:

Jherskie said...

fuck logic and common sense. naked Angelina >>> logic


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