10 Ways to Fix Manila's Bankruptcy

News came out this week that our venerably senile Mayor Fred Lim and his former-partner-turned-enemy-just-like-in-the-movies Vice Mayor Isko Moreno have driven Manila so deep in debt that we citizens would sooner drown in loanshark interest rates than floodwaters. If you ask me, that's just Manila's hire a ghost program coming back to haunt us. Now we have ghosts of ghosts employees on the payroll, and there are people who can't wait to die so they can get hired by the City Hall to start collecting bogus salaries.

I could rant all day, but that's not really what this article is about. We're always into the whole positive spin of things so instead, we'll propose ways to help the government of Manila earn back our debts.

10. Sell all those extra stop lights in front of La Salle. There's like five of them even though Taft has only two roads intersecting in that stretch. Piecemeal, the red lights can be sold to Pasay's patay-sindi districts.

9. Put Isko Moreno to work in the streets again.

8. Tax the bar damage of countless KTV-style whorehouses in Malate/Ermita. We'll call it "Dirty Harry's Dirty Tax"

7. Rename Rizal Park to Globe Jollibee Coca-cola Sarao Park. We've bastardized the place enough so selling out the name is just a drop of canola in the middle of an oilspill.

6. Do "Bourne Legacy" walking tours. Rachel Weisz once sat on one of the benches in Rizal Park. Like, a friend of a friend who used to date this guy who passed by the place told me. True story.

5. Start collecting parking fees for assholes who can afford a car but not a garage and park on the side of the road.

4. Return the Manila Bay Promenade. As a second incentive, I heard standup comedian dragqueen acts  can act as a barrier for storm surges.

3. Start collecting swimming tickets for when the Quiapo and Lagusnilad underpasses flood.

2. Invade the neighboring district of Pasay.

1. Include a "Dampa"-style restaurant in Manila Ocean Park. If a fish doesn't attract enough attention, cook it to set an example. Before you know it,we'll have fish that can do tight rope walking, breathe fire, and eat swords.

Seriously though, fuck Mayor Lim, Isko Moreno, and everybody involved in running what is easily one of the most financially rich districts in NCR deep into the ground.