A Counter-Offer to CJ Renato Corona's Proposal

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Last Tuesday, Chief Justice Corona has finally appeared in the senate to testify, if testify meant deliverying an opening statement which is almost as long, predictable, and butt-cringingly artificial as that godawful movie Eat Pray Love, and then walking away before the actual testifying part. That'd be like Lady Gaga having a concert, make a speech about how she's all for gay things, and then leave the stage after three hours, completely forgetting that she's famous not for being the rallying point of the fabulously liberal, but for singing songs.

Three hours of Julia Robert doing nothing important and wasting your time

Before the end of his speech however, Renato Corona said he will sign waivers to open his hidden magical stash if 189 other people would sign it. Imagine if this sort of bullshit applied to a rape case, in which case the accused rapist will only provide a semen sample on the condition that he will do it in public, in front of the judge, and if everybody inside the courtroom will join him in jacking off. And we're going to let the Chief Justice get away with this?

That's just wrong. Like, courthouse-full-of-ejaculation wrong.

I have a counter proposal. Let's propose that we'll end the impeachment trial. CJ Corona will get to retain his position as Chief Justice for until he can retain the position. That's what he wants afterall right? In exchange, we'll just ask him to waive his basic right to defend and avenge his nuts from being punched by any taxpayer that comes across him anywhere.

Bust a nut with this deal. Literally.

It's a pretty fair deal. That way, he can go screw this country as much as he wants, but he won't be screwing pretty much anything else lest his manpiece falls off during intercourse.

Imagine if that agreement would take place. Corona can, for example, rule that expresident Arroyo can travel abroad, say the seventh circle of hell to consult with Satan, even though she's not supposed to since she's on trial. We can, in return, go visit the supreme court and give his family jewels a good fistbump or two. The next time Corona does that, he will start reconsidering how important Arroyo is compared to being able to walk without holding his nutsacks in a  styrofoam cup filled with ice.

And I assume that will also kill the protests. How exactly can you remain angry a man who just got punched in the nuts 637,244 times in a single morning? You just don't. Any guy who sees another guy get punched in the nuts will definitely laugh the first few hundred times, but after a thousand? You'll just start feeling for the guy. No more prostests. Prostate, maybe. But no more protests.

At least until he starts doing stupid shit again.

Then the nut punching cycle begins again.

Will it be worth it? Totally.

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