PNP experts tell how to catch a hacker

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

alternative title: wasting tax on figuring out the obvious

i bet if i rearrange wires like this, the hackers will never find their way out

Last night, news of how China has hacked most of government's systems came out. Suddenly, we found ourselves under siege by covert espionage experts overnight, hackers, mysterious denizens of the dark netherworlds known as the internet, are onto us.

Okay, I've had my daily quota of daily stupidity now.

Let me just laugh this off for a sec. It won't take long.

Okay, first, our government is not exactly the Fort Knox. Most websites and exposed servers of our various public institutions simply take forever to vaccinate, if ever at all. Understandable, since it's not like we have the sharpest minds working for the industry.

It's not farfetched to think that you can accidentally "hack" government information out of their servers. Remember this shit from two years back? We didn't even have to do a thing.

And if it's hacking we're talking about, it's not just China. Our government servers are frequent hosts to international conventions of cybergangrape (See DTI;Israelis raping the servers of)

It's not the first time this has happened and god knows how many times it has happened without anybody noticing. (not everybody is into putting boobies on government webpages)

Honestly, I think that as a cyber-entity, our nation has the defensive capability of a 70yo man. I don't really expect much. And yet, it gets more interesting.

The past few hours lots of "authorities" started popping out from government groups we didn't even know about. Suddenly our police force has a computer forensics division, headed by a certain Efren Fernandez II who happily tells us how to catch a hacker.

His amazing plan is as follows:

1. Boot up hacked computer.
2. Check logs.
3. Get IP address.
4. Ask Mr. Internet Service Provider to point to us the house of the bad hacker.

The expert then goes on to tell the world that we can use "EnCase" to check if the hacker's computer has logs that matches the hacking method used for the crime.

wrap up the case, boys. we have this in the bag.


If I knew cybercrime investigation was this simple, I'd have changed careers long ago.

I assume also, that in this altered state of reality, proxy networks don't exist and hackers are dumber than your average computer user, not even knowing how to wipe logs. Nevermind that if we're accusing China, we're accusing an entity that even causes the big bad United States of America to remain sleepless at night worrying they might get hacked by Agent Kong.

Haha good thing we have an expert on the case.

I can sleep well tonight knowing that.

Also, the internet is fueled by third-world country's bananas.

(Honestly, I think the guy's view of internet security is no different from a toddler's view of sexual reproduction)


kramfs said...

We'll, they have to say something right otherwise they will look like d*mb*ss m*r*

I enjoyed reading your article and your satirical (did I get that right?) POV....

kramfs said...

I have added your site to my blogroll...


Thanks man. I've added your site as well. Awesome blog.


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