Finer Points: Eating Out For Nerds (part 2)

Monday, March 09, 2009

Here's the second part of the article I published a few days ago. I promised I'd publish this the day after, but you know me.

So you've already chosen the restaurant, and you're about to sit. On a two-chair table, you'd sit opposite of each other. On a four-chair table configuration, you will still sit opposite of your date, specially if it's your first time to go out. On succeeding dates, it's possible to sit beside your date. More on this later. On a six table configuration, make sure you have a chair. You're playing trip to Jerusalem.


As I have said, there are few instances were ordering a smaller amount than expected is better than ordering more than expected. If it's possible, have a rough estimate of how much food you can stuff down your date's throat without having to call paramedics. Take into consideration factors like allergies or the girl's religion: If she worships indian-style, she doesn't eat cow. If she worship's muslim-style, she doesn't eat pork. If she worships Keira Knightley, she doesn't eat anything.

Also, for the love of god, don't assume that she can eat as much as you can. You're a guy. God made you to become a finisher of leftovers. She's not. Order what you'd consider a modest meal. If she happens to be a strong eater, just order dessert. If she looks like she's still dead hungry after feeding her half of the menu, order the waiters to shoot her. You're dealing with a monster.


Avoid using your hands if you're not eating in an American-style restaurant. Use the napkin in front of you by laying it on your lap. You can also use it as a bib, but it's tasteless if done anywhere not Italian. Don't drink alcohol. Don't chew with your mouth open. Use the spoon to return anything you do not wish to swallow but have chewed on. Distract your date, then promptly cover the expectorated food with napkin the same way you'd delicately deal with the body of dead hooker.

Eat in modest amounts, and don't stuff your mouth like a hungry refugee given a bucket of KFC. Wipe your mouth every now and then, preferably after drinking. Don't force a woman to finish her meal. Offer to share some of yours if you ordered different food. Don't help yourself to her food unless she offers. Back off, nerd.

Small Talk

It's not just about eating. Make sure you maintain conversation in between bites. Don't be a retard. Talk about light topics, the ambiance, or the food. If possible, talk about the wonderful things you have read in Public Static and how much you want to become like Red Kinoko someday. This is not required, but it might help you in getting laid afterward.

Try not to appear too focused on eating. Every now and then, look at her in the eyes and smile, like you know, what you don't normally do in front of a computer.

Paying Up

Make sure you have money. I cannot stress this fact more. Normally, guys have to foot the bill. If a girl insists, offer to foot the bill once. If a girl insists again, split the bill. It won't make you less of a man to share the bill. Although it will make you less of a man if you share the bill and you're in a gay bar. But that's of another story. Remember to tip, even if there's service charge. A smaller tip will do fine, but if there's no SC, rule of thumb says 5-10%. When the girl is not looking and you two are leaving, feel free to reclaim the tip you put under the bill folder, you cheapskate. Just. Dont. Get. Caught.


Make sure you end the date on a high note. Offer coffee if you two have lots more to talk about. Always make sure you do your best in bringing the girl as far as you can to where she needs to be (home, office, another date, inside your pants, whatever). If she declines help, offer one more. If she still doesnt, dont push it and just be happy you got to go out with a girl that night. Make sure you give out the proper greetings. Tell her you enjoyed the night and be sincere about it. Hide your erection, keep your dirty thoughts to yourself.

Start praying hard for a second date.

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