Filipino Modes of Transportation Reviewed

The Philippines is a country that loves public tranportations. We love them so much, most of us dedicate more than 2 hours a day to just travelling to and from where it is that we work/study. (for some cases, it's 6 hours). It's only fitting that we feature these modes of transportations here in Public Static.

Carabao Sled

What it is:
A water buffalo lugging around a broad plank of wood that one can sit on and/or put things in.

Pros
The Carabao Sled should be the dream transportation of armchair environmentalists everywhere. It has zero carbon footprint, and unlike horses, when it dies, you can actually eat its meat. Flexible for both farm use and personal use, the Carabao sled is the original utility vehicle. Don't expect it to do colorum though (where will you put the signboards?)

Cons
There are no wheels, and the only suspension you'll get will be coming from the cushion provided by your buttcheeks. Also, carabaos are known for their rather large pieces of crap. With several of these walking down the road and you sitting so closely to the road surface, you can expect officemates to know how you got to work every morning.

Pedicap/Sidecar

What it is:
A BMX-type bicycle with a metal framed sidecar with an optional canvass cabin.

Pros:
The pedicab does not have any working engine, making it both earthfriendly and flood-proof. Its lightweight construction allows it to be lifted up in situations where you find it sane to lift a pedicab (I have no idea either). It's also not subject to any sort of traffic law, so it can go places where normal vehicles cant (like against traffic).

Cons:
The pedicab is lightly constructed, meaning, in case of accidents, you're about as safe as if you're not inside any vehicle and you're holding several metal pipes. Added to that, the range of the vehicle is only about as much as the "driver" will provide. Also, body odor.

Kalesa

What it is:
A cart with a horse, and huge, anorexic, wooden monstertruck wheels.

Pros:
The kalesa is the upgraded version of the carabao sled. This actually looks like it's from beyond the stone age, featuring wheels and a nifty bag that catches horsedung as soon as the "engine" opens its "exhaust pipe". Suspensions are available in the more later models, presumably those that were made after the Spanish era.

Cons:
I once read a comic about a Kalesa "kuchero" who picks up girls and makes love to them against their will. It was scary to me as a 6yo kid. Also, it made my peepee feel tingly while staring at the pictures. Other than that, no complaints.

Rail Cart

What it is:
Your basic wooden cart (kariton) outfitted with metallic wheels to run on railtracks.

Pros:
It runs on railtracks, so even if the driver is drunk, at best you'd only go back and forth and not to the side of the road where you can get killed. Multiple pushers make this vehicle potentially faster than the pedicab, unless we're talking about drug pushers. The overall push-to-power ratio is very good.

Cons:
Its. A. Cart. Running. On. Train. Tracks. Think about it. Also, if your destination isn't anywhere near train tracks, tough luck. Lastly, U-Turns can be a bitch.

Tricycle

What it is:
A motorcycle with a sidecar with a metal cabin.

Pros:
Like a sidecar, but with definitely more push power and speed. Range is now limited only by the amount of gas the engine can guzzle, and the amount of shitty songs playing on the radio that the passenger can take without jumping off to a better fate - death.

Cons:
Trikes are faster, but with similar safety features as a pedicab so in road mishaps, it will probably be more likely to kill you than the pedicab. It's not eco friendly, it's noisy, and Adam West used these for Batman and Robin.

Jeepney

What it is:
A antedeluvian version of the SUV. Runs on an old diesel car engine and has a customized body.

Pros:
A jeepney is like a worker ant. It can transport large amounts of things (people, supplies, leftover food) despite its size. Jeeps are the cheapest most practical transport solutions for medium-long range travel in the Philippines. God himself is rumored to have his own Jeepney, with stickers "Katas ng Jerusalem" and "Byaheng Langit" on its back and front.

Cons:
80% of jeepney drivers are assholes either to the other cars or the passengers. Added to that, jeepneys have the environmental impact of a mobile forestfire. Its open-air configuration ensures your lungs will make the most out of the youth-enducing air the jeepney belches. Did I say youth? I meant cancer.

Buses

What it is:
Hand-me-down buses from other countries like Korea and Japan, although some lines actually use new units.

Pros:
Some buses are tourist buses, which are generally more comfortable than any other mode of transportation on this list. On-board video entertainment is becoming more and more common, and the airconditioning will save you at least from the additional body you'll get from all the lead in the air you'd be sniffing on other modes of transportation.

Cons:
Buses are inconsistent when it comes to travel time. Sometimes taking 20 minutes to cross just one intersection, othertimes you'll find that they can run up to a speed of a 120 kmph along EDSA, making it a pair of wings short of flight. Buses also have this bad sideeffect of instilling the fear of God into you as you hurtle down a very rugged road with o seatbelt, and only the voice of Chris Tsuper and Nicole Hiyala calming you down.