Elevator Psychology

Two years ago, I thought I've already talked about everything I needed to say about people riding elevators (i.e. they suck). This afternoon, I was proven wrong.

(this simple Physics illustration tells you if that elevator falls, you're dead)

I'm actually curious. Why is it that people get this urge to stand as close to the floor buttons as possible? It seems that of all the space that's available inside the elevator, that's where people can give the most inconvenience to others, but lo and behold, that's where people immediately go.

Why is that?

One theory I have is that the place has a symbolic value of control. The closer you are to the controller, the more in control you are. It comforts you from the fact that you are standing on a think piece of metal box suspended over an empty shaft many stories above the ground and the only thing preventing you from turning into paste are a few strands of cable made by the lowest bidders in China and the control box inside the elevator. Of course we all know there's nothing a control box can do when you're already plummeting into the ground at 60km per hour, but wishful thinking never hurt anybody.

Another theory is that it's just a behavioral aftereffect of childhood, when we played "bus driver" or "airplane driver" or whatever it is we wanted to play pretend back then. Everybody wanted to be the one at the helm. And now we're all grown up. Nothing much has changed, only that our playmates are no longer playing with us and have more body hair than before. We still want to be at the helm.

So this afternoon I entered the elevator and saw this fat lady reallly leaning close to the buttons. She was the only one inside. Seeing the ground floor button unpressed, I leaned over and pressed the button, putting my hand dangerously close to her massive groin bulge. She looked at me angrily, as though I was taking advantage of the situation.

Like what the hell, man.

Why in the world would I take pleasure in touching a Biblically proportioned camel toe? She's giving me no choice. The only alternative I got was to kick her in the ass so her vaginal hump can go press the button for me.

Or ask her, but that's not how I roll.

I have another theory.

People are idiots.