PNP experts tell how to catch a hacker

alternative title: wasting tax on figuring out the obvious

i bet if i rearrange wires like this, the hackers will never find their way out

Last night, news of how China has hacked most of government's systems came out. Suddenly, we found ourselves under siege by covert espionage experts overnight, hackers, mysterious denizens of the dark netherworlds known as the internet, are onto us.

Okay, I've had my daily quota of daily stupidity now.

Let me just laugh this off for a sec. It won't take long.

Okay, first, our government is not exactly the Fort Knox. Most websites and exposed servers of our various public institutions simply take forever to vaccinate, if ever at all. Understandable, since it's not like we have the sharpest minds working for the industry.

It's not farfetched to think that you can accidentally "hack" government information out of their servers. Remember this shit from two years back? We didn't even have to do a thing.

And if it's hacking we're talking about, it's not just China. Our government servers are frequent hosts to international conventions of cybergangrape (See DTI;Israelis raping the servers of)

It's not the first time this has happened and god knows how many times it has happened without anybody noticing. (not everybody is into putting boobies on government webpages)

Honestly, I think that as a cyber-entity, our nation has the defensive capability of a 70yo man. I don't really expect much. And yet, it gets more interesting.

The past few hours lots of "authorities" started popping out from government groups we didn't even know about. Suddenly our police force has a computer forensics division, headed by a certain Efren Fernandez II who happily tells us how to catch a hacker.

His amazing plan is as follows:

1. Boot up hacked computer.
2. Check logs.
3. Get IP address.
4. Ask Mr. Internet Service Provider to point to us the house of the bad hacker.

The expert then goes on to tell the world that we can use "EnCase" to check if the hacker's computer has logs that matches the hacking method used for the crime.

wrap up the case, boys. we have this in the bag.

Wow.

If I knew cybercrime investigation was this simple, I'd have changed careers long ago.

I assume also, that in this altered state of reality, proxy networks don't exist and hackers are dumber than your average computer user, not even knowing how to wipe logs. Nevermind that if we're accusing China, we're accusing an entity that even causes the big bad United States of America to remain sleepless at night worrying they might get hacked by Agent Kong.

Haha good thing we have an expert on the case.

I can sleep well tonight knowing that.

Also, the internet is fueled by third-world country's bananas.

(Honestly, I think the guy's view of internet security is no different from a toddler's view of sexual reproduction)

The Next Big Thing

Silly reporter, people don't hijack people.

They manjack.

And we all know that can't be a good thing.

Have a nice weekend guys, from Public Static and Inquirer.net

Playing Prophet

Shortly after graduating highschool, I found myself writing the "prophecy" part for our yearbook. Now I don't really know how your school yearbook works but traditionally, predictions for your class are written down as an article so you have something to laugh about during a reunion after 15 years or so. Unfortunately for our batch, there were no class prophecies, so me together with Matt and Pao(?) had to make one for the whole batch.

Now, guessing the futures of 40 or so people is already tough. We had to do it for 200ish, half of them we didn't even know by face. (I know, I wasn't the friendliest guy in school. Maybe.) We had to base them on the answers of the students to one question: what do you want to be when you grow up.

This was what we came up with:

The year 2000 was an interesting year. The internet was only starting to boom and I made this silly prediction that many years from now, everything will probably be online. Using what little HTML knowledge I had (to be fair, there were only three people in our class who had net connection, out of 58 people) I chose the theme to be a futuristic online website and made a mockup dummy for the first page (as seen below).



One interesting thing I'd like to point out is that there's a picture of a counterstrike character there and this was long before counterstrike became mainstream. (for nerds out there, if you check his rifle, it's a Steyr Aug, which was at the time still available for both CT and Terrorists. It's THAT old.)

Anyway, most of my HS classmates reading this will probably be familiar with the rest of the article already, mostly futuristic stuff that focuses on parody of our existing jokes at the time (like our teachers) rather than attempt at accurate predictions.

What you probably didn't see if you were a batchmate of mine was the original draft prologue, which I'll put in here, so I can go refer to it after the reunion 6 years from now:



April 25, 2000
The following data were salvaged from the data banks of the SAS school computers after an unknown messenger hacked the network two days ago. Apparently, the computer could not handle the injected information so all units malfunctioned. The next morning, a team of Men in Blue (nope, not the guards) came in and restored system integrity. Although major sections of the hard drives can no longer be accessed, data of what resembled webpages were extracted. After an initial analysis, the SAS Mafia speculated that the pages were from the future. April 25, 2016 to be exact. In the proceeding page are the contents of the extracted material. Also, the intruder left a note at the registrar’s office. It said:

To the SAS Annual Staff,
I have come from the future or at least one of its possible paths. Here is a copy of the database of SAS COURIER ONLINE. I know you will be having a hard time doing the Prophecy so I decided to hep[SIC] you. Anyway, this is just to test my time traveling device. Just post this in you annual and let all the graduates read it. Uhh, I was also about to send the advanced CED copies but the PC’s crashed. Sorry about that. Say Hi ! to Ms. Cabrera for me.
--Space Shifting Guy


In the event, this part got cut off because it was a waste of space.

Other highlights of the blog included primitive "adsense" images at the bottom and the top of the screen, one of which includes this old joke:



And of course, there's one last question. How did I prophesy myself? Here's the main article:

“They wanted a fight and a fight they shall have!” These were the words spoken by Philippine President Johnsen as he deployed more troops today to Neo-Spratly where battalions of hackers and mercenaries are trying to heighten up the cyber war in order to destroy the world’s fastest computer, the “Erlinda VI”. The team of engineers composed of Eng.Arthur , Eng. Larry Wayne , Eng. Jerome Allen and Eng. Peter Paul created this computer one year ago to end ongoing crises involving the World History Paradox. Apparently, the hackers did not want anything to be done about the problems. The conflict started early this Tuesday when Captain Markus Otto and his co-pilot Captain Zyrex spotted six owner-type hovercrafts carrying hackers near the island facility while the two were testing a new prototype jet designed by Benedict . There also have been reports that the world’s best covert firewall technicians were deployed to prevent the hacks from coming through the system. Among the elite are Andreans namely, Eng. Erickson Suarez, Eng. Redkinoko, Eng. Billy Paul and Eng. Janvier. As a final word, the president said that should things get fiery, the Mobile Fortress will be deployed together with a thousand Marines headed by AFP Chief-of-Staff Phil Albert . CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE

*(surnames removed)

Erlinda is actually the name of our borderline-insane world history professor.

It's a bit of an insider joke, but a good one, because damn, 9 years on, I read this again, and I'm still laughing.

----

(post script)
For my officemate/HS classmate who might end up reading this, here's what I got from your part, on the top 20 books of 2016:

13- “ Urination For Dummies” by Dr. Christian Dave

1. I've been misspelling your name even back then.
2. You really wanted to become a urologist, didn't you?

Six Implementable Ways Save Manila's Roads

Whether you're a commuter or a car owner, we can both agree that taking to our roads here in Metro Manila is borderline sado-masochistic, often involving lots of pains we've learned to accept as normal. Segments of road that are as short as 500 meters take half an hour to pass through, while the average quality of air throughout EDSA is well above the levels that the whole world complain about during the Beijing Olympics.

It's difficult to believe that as recent as 30 years ago, we still enjoyed one of the best road experiences in South East Asia. (I assume, 30 years ago in other countries they still had problems with dinosaurs running around or something)

What happened? Our population increased, followed by an unprecedented increase in road users, both public and private. Meanwhile, as with most things that aren't organic in nature, our roads didn't grow (despite the amount of watering and "fertilizing" that we give it). In a case of too many chef's spoiling the broth, too many vehicles simply ruined the experience of sane driving in our country.

What should we do about it? I'm not alone in throwing out suggestions in the ring, however, most suggestions we come up with are too impractical given the dependencies of the existing systems that cause our roads to get clogged. We cant, for example, ask our government to nationalize 100% of our transportation since we can't even trust them to keep our basic utilities nationalized. We can't keep on widening our roads either since after one congestion point gets freed, the cars just move on to the next bottleneck.

We can't ask drivers to behave properly either, since most people grew up to be assholes on the road for the reason that other drivers are assholes too, and asking an old dog to learn new tricks is like asking the senate to learn how to do its job of passing laws.

I do have some suggestions. I made these on the assumption that they must pass three criteria:

- Doable within 1-3 years
- Doable with the existing budget
- Doable while minimizing impact on current dependents of the system.

And here's what I was able to come up with:

1. Synchronize traffic lights

One big reason for traffic buildup in Metro Manila is that our intersections are always clogged and too often, because consecutive traffic lights do not change at the same time, cars end up blocking the adjacent roads in the intersections because they have nowhere to go. If you can visit the westbound Quirino-Kalaw stretch of Taft Avenue, sometimes they implement synched lights there, and surprisingly, during those times, even with the heavy volume of vehicles, the flow of traffic is manageable.

How hard is it to interconnect traffic lights that are supposed to be interconnected anyway? If MMDA can spend enough money to construct massive elevated u-turn slots and magical pink lanes on a lot of our sidewalks, I'm sure we can perform a staggered computerization of our traffic lights easily, and for those areas that already have such a technology, we should really start using them more.

2. Limit the release of franchising licenses.

Theoretically, the Land Transport Franchising and Regulatory Board is for, uh franchising and regulating. In practice, that's really what LTRFB does, but the former is being done too much and the latter is being done too little.

One interesting point a colleage of mine raised is that our fare prices is partly artificially inflated, not because of the oil prices, but because too many jeeps are already on the road, and it's so much harder to make a profit because of the toxic competition. Performed right, limiting franchise release prevents saturation of the market - but the appeal of earning more money by release as much licenses as possible has prevented any proper action on this part.

It's too late to revoke franchises, since people already depend on theirs for livelyhood so the only thing we can do for now is to wise up and be more strict for future franchises. Maybe in due time, franchise count will fall back to normal numbers again if we do this.

3. Consider redistributive measures on saturated areas.

Since we can't rob people of their livelihoods, areas that have been oversaturated with competition should be assessed and reallocated, moving some licenses to new areas or other areas that don't have a lot of jeeps yet. Provincial operations should also be considered. The effect of this shall be two pronged - overall average profit of routes will increase, while our roads will be less congested since the time jeeps need to stop to fill up with passengers will be reduced.

As a side product, moving about provinces will be easier as well. Yay, Bulacan.

4. Introduce cumulative tax on cars

Here's a no brainer. What comes in must eventually come out. Food goes into our body, and after a while, it turns into manure. Sexy stars enter showbusiness and after a few years, they exit quietly as glorified escorts. Likewise, in our roads, cars should not remain forever. Most countries in this world have measures to make sure the population of cars remains healthy by ensuring the number of new cars entering is less or equal to the number of cars getting retired.

Not in our country. 'round here, seeing a fourth-hand car is normal. 10-20 year old cars with the efficiency of a carabao-pulled airplane are still road-legal with no apparent reason for them to stop running. The car that I grew up in, an '82 Isuzu Gemini is still running around Metro Manila.

This causes two things: congestion and pollution, since older car engines are a lot mroe inefficient that newer ones. We all know the smoke belching test is just another venue for bribery, so we need stiffer way so discourage old car usage.

If we implement annually increasing registration taxes, eventually it'd be more practical to get a new car than to retain an older one. This will induce a more natural life cycle for cars. It may be a bit harsh, but it's for the best of everybody, both car owners and commuters.

5. Illegalise honking used for any means but emergencies

Less about air pollution and more about noise pollution, passing a regulation against indiscriminate honking will improve the atmosphere of our roads drastically. Also, we get to be more responsive in the event of emergencies because we don't interpret honking in seven different ways. If somebody honks, it must be an emergency.

'Nuff sed.

6. Promote express transportation and a hub-based public utility transport topography.

Lastly, we should start promoting express transports, buses and jeeps that start and stop only at fixed hubs where passengers can disembark and ride shorter trip transportations to their destinations. Currently this is only implemented for some provincial operation buses, and even fewer of them follow it. GTExpress shuttles, are a good example though. This way, buses and jeeps move faster from one point to another without stopping every five meters for the next 10 kilometers. It's been done abroad and I know it can be done here too. People want faster travel, and for as long as people want that, there'd be a market for this kind of system.

These methods aren't foolproof but I think they're worth a thought or two, but hey, who am I to solve the country's problems with just one blog post right?

Earth Hour Isn't

This is why we moved our capital back to Manila and never ever thought of bringing it back to Quezon City again. For some reason, QC has managed to maintain its status quo of amazingly retarded mayors whose brain activity might be likened to that of your seasoned rootcrop.

I have had it with you people and your fucking sheepherd approach towards environmentalism.

The only way I can think switching off streetlights on roads for an hour as practical is with the goal of having cars crash against each other, reducing the number of mechanical pollutants in our roads. Also, the activity of robbing people with icepicks gets promoted because of the darkness, and we all know that profession has zero carbon footprinting.

Switch off our lights to vote earth? What the heck does that even mean? We switch off our lights every day. I switch off more than one light. Does that make me a flying voter? If you think about it, our country has been celebrating Earth hours on a regular basis every other night and have been doing it since Fidel Ramos screwed up our power grid harder than GMA is screwing GSIS. Every after a bad typhoon we celebrate earth days for weeks on end (if you live in cavite). Are we better off? The goal of the Earth Hour is to convince governments to start passing legislations that will help reduce our carbon footprint.

NEWS FLASH FUCKERS. We already have legislations against smoke belching and many other things that pollute our environment.

Guess where they're at now. (Click here to see the biggest problem of these laws)

And then there's the idea that by switching off our lights, we save the world "Energy" like somehow, if we all suddenly stopped using our lights, the magical coal-fired plants will store all that electricity in magical elven batteries for later use. It doesn't work that way. Electricity production is done in real time and unless the sever reduction of power for 1 hour is anticipated, the same amount of coal will burn. And will the power plants change rates? Keep dreaming. The effort in changing production levels just for an hour only to revert back isn't even WORTH IT.

There are better ways of improving how we deal with the environment than bandwagoning over some silly activity that ultimately consumes more nature points in the number of prints, ads, on-air plugging and other material requirements than an entire city would in a month. And for what? To convince governments to act on what they already know they should act on.

You know what works too? Walk up to the politicians and tell them what you want.

Same banana, minus the overwhelming hypocrisy or just plain naivety.

Earth Hour isn't for people who already dim to begin with.

Why The Lower House Sucks Reason #652

One reason why I don't have a single political blog in my blogroll is that I think politics is just too easy to write about. Being able to rant about local politics only requires a newspaper and a pulse, so I try to stay away from the topic as much as possible.

But of course there are exceptions.

Ladies and gents, I present to you House Bill 652, the nationwide emofication bill.

Basically, the bill just says hitting kids for whatever reason is a crime punishable by law. These people want smacking kids around for being wrong illegal.

I know.

I had that kind of reaction too.

I think I've already made my case before that being spared from childhood beating makes a kid crooked.

If you're too lazy to backread, my point is just this. Positive reinforcement works if you're starting from a negative point. I.e. a kid who is homeless will find the reward of not sleeping in the streets an effective motivation to not sniff rugby. A dog who just eats bones will be most likely swayed by positive reinforcement involving steak. Kids that grow up in suburban homes surrounded by wanton luxuries, however, are not amicable to these things. Like if you already have a shitton of XBox360 games, being promised more games in exchange for good behavior is NOT a good motivation.

No. If a kid grows up in a positive environment, the most effective way to offset bad behavior is through negative reinforcement. And the best way to provide negative reinforcement is one that appeals to a person's most natural instincts - conditioned response.

Contrasts between what you have and what you'll be getting can set behavior better and this effective way of setting kids straight so they don't live their lives wondering why they became washouts who can't even get a stable job or hold a coffee mug without dropping it because of the cuts in their arms.

Now here's the question. WHY ARE OUR LAWMAKERS FUSSING OVER SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE THE DOMAIN OF AREA EXPERTS LIKE PSYCHOLOGISTS AND OH I DONT KNOW, REAL PARENTS WHO DON'T HAVE YAYAS TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR KIDS?!

I swear to god, if congress wasn't so damn entertaining, I'd have long considered them to be a very very bad waste of perfectly good money.

And oxygen.

Oh wait.

Key Pettigrew - Fresh Prince of Bel Air

This song hasn't been awesome since Will Smith's opening rap song for Fresh Prince was first used by some retards from the internet anus that is /b/.

Kay Pettigrew - Fresh Prince of Bel Air (Will Smith Cover)

Actually it's pretty gay. But the likable kind of gay.

Not that I'm gay.

Because I'm totally not.

Or that I like gays.

But I'm not against them either.

But not not like, you know what I mean?

I hope so.

I swear.

Some Internet Terms for Filipinos

Mga terminong pang internet na dapat na sumikat, katulad ni Kuya Bodjie.

Thumbnailgenic - Maganda lang pag sa thumbnail

e.g. "Ay pakshet. Kala ko kamukha ni Angel. Thumbnailgenic lang pala!"

Googulo - taong lahat ng alam e galing lang sa nahanap nya sa google. Pag walang internet, wag mo na syang kausapin dahil puro "cannot connect" lang mapapala mo.

e.g. "Wag mo na tanungin si Kat tungkol sa assignment. Googulo lang yun eh."

FaceBuhok - Facebook profile pic na puro buhok lang ang makikita mo kasi saksakan ng pangit ng mukha

e.g. "Astig girlfriend mo ah, facebuhok. Pakamatay ka na lang."

Friendster - Lalaking kaibigan na akala mo friend, yun pala eh sister.

e.g. "Dati, kasama pa namin sya nagoovernight. Taena, kung alam ko lang na friendster yun..."

Multi-ply - Babaeng sobrang kapal magmakeup, parang may limang patong ng foundation ang mukha

e.g. "Wow, you look beautiful. Do you have multi-ply?"

Dixiechicks - opposite ng chicksilog. Tibong nagpapanggap na lalaki para makahookup.

e.g. "Si pareng arnold pala, dixiechicks."

Testimonyo - Mga taong parang dimonyo kung manghingi ng testimonial. Di ka tatantanan hanggat di ka bumibigay sa gusto nya

e.g. "Dear lord, sana po kunin nyo na lahat ng testimonyo dito sa mundo"

Streaming - Ihi lang sandali.

e.g. "Wait lang bro, streaming muna."

Download - Pagtae.

e.g. "Natagalan ako kasi yung streaming ko, naging download."

Torrent - Matinding pagtatae

e.g. "Kumain pala ako ng panis na ube. Mukhang mapapatorrent ako nito mamaya.

Global Warming and Irony

Here's one reason why we should start thinking mother nature has a sense of humor after all.

A bunch of English scientists who went to North Pole are now in danger of freezing to death after a freak storm is preventing supply planes from giving them needed things like fuel, water, and we assume, lots of alcohol and spicy food to keep them warm. Also, they're slowly getting buried in tons of snow, because, you know, it's the freaking north pole.

The irony of it all?

They went there investigating how much our world is becoming warmer because of Global Warming.

Oh Mother Nature, you card.

And Then There Was None

One of the few non-fantasy, non-romance stories that I've written. This one, I made around four years ago, one night while riding a jeepney, staring at a young-looking nursing student. I never really got to proofread the whole thing, so yeah.

It was ten in the evening.

For Alyanna, the night couldn’t possibly get any worse.

The bus she was riding to her graveyard shift duty at the emergency room had broken down beside the nondescript highway and there was notably no public transportation passing by. No taxis, no buses, no jeepneys - not even the stereotypically creepy cars that accept hitchhikers unconditionally.

After a few minutes of hopeless waiting and knowing that she’s already late, she finally decided to walk it out. Sure, it wasn’t the smartest thing to do but she was bound to arrive at the hospital sooner or later. It shouldn’t be too far anyway.

Or was it?

The darkness of the moonless night and the seemingly sabotaged array of streetsigns took their toll on Allie’s little expedition. After a few minutes of walking she felt already lost in limbo, as though she had been wandering in circles since forever.

Then, a voice shot out of the dark.

“Are you lost?”

Allie just kept on trudging without bothering to see who said that or for whom it was intended. She did not forget that where she was walking was a notorious place filled with no-good wanderers and all the caboodle of the proverbially evil.

“You look like a nurse from San Pablo GH. Are you sure you know where you’re going? This place can get quite confusing at night.”

She could no longer ignore whoever was talking to her. It was true that she was new to the place. It had only been a week since she was deployed as an intern nurse at San Pablo. She realized that walking around without any assistance would be pointless.


She turned and saw a man a few paces away from her. He looked trustworthy enough. He was at his mid-twenties with a newly trimmed hair with slight traces of waviness towards the ends. She couldn’t make out the face properly but he had a rather wide facial build.

“I was riding the same bus that broke down and I just happen to be going there too. It’s not too far but the way isn’t as straight as you might think. You want to join me in walking?”

Allie wanted to already but most childishly replied, “I don’t go with strangers.”

“Well then,” challenged the stranger, “I’m Vincent Martinez. But you can call me Vince. Strangers don’t have names so I’m no longer one of them right?”

What a lame thing to say, thought Allie but she really had not much of a choice.

“I’m Allie, an intern at San Pablo,” she replied as she aligned her walking beside Vincent.

“To tell you the truth I was going to ask you to come with me earlier when I saw your uniform but you disappeared all of a sudden after you crossed the highway.”

Allie just smiled at her first good fortune that night. But the walk didn’t look like it was going to get any shorter.

To break the silence, Vince finally asked something probably out of intrigue. “How does it feel to work around such a place filled with sickness and death?”

Allie has heard the question countless of times. It was all too true after all – all desensitized truth.

“You get used to it. You learn to understand that we don’t have power over everything and then that’s when the attachment towards your patients end,” replied Allie in a boilerplate manner.

A standardized answer for a common question.

“Heh. I wanted to work in a hospital when I was a kid. But since my mother died, I knew I couldn’t stomach the sick and dying. My emotions will get ahead of me,” replied Vincent.

Allie looked at her companion. He didn’t really look like a guy who had weak knees. “Like I said, you just get used to it. We’re bound to experience it one way or another during our lives.”

My turn, Allie thought.

“So why are you going to the hospital at this time of night? Isn’t visiting hours over?”

Vincent laughed a bit and scratched his head. “I’m going to pickup a friend nurse as a favor. But I guess I’m a bit late too.”

Allie remembered her lateness and didn’t reply. Instead, she concentrated on walking faster to wherever they were really heading.

Silence filled the short walk that almost lasted for an eternity. After a while, the scenery turned from the strange to the more familiar. They were finally getting close. Allie noticed that as they went nearer the hospital, Vincent walked slower. After sometime, he finally spoke again.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be of much help, Allie.”

Allie stopped on her tracks and looked at Vincent. “Are you kidding me? Here you are, helping me get to where I’m supposed to go and you’re saying sorry?”

Vincent changed his mood to laidback once more. “Nevermind.”

“Well, we’re finally here - San Pablo General Hospital,” said Vince as he yawned and stretched his arms. “That was quite a walk wouldn’t you say so? I feel bushed!”

Allie nodded in agreement.

“Thanks for all your help,” said Allie with a slight bow of gratitude.

Vincent quietly requited the gratitude with a proud smile.

“Oh!” shouted the nurse, “I’m late for my shift already! I have to go now, Vincent. Thanks for escorting me here! Come visit me again sometime!”

Vince stood by and watched Allie disappeared towards the entrance of the ER just outside the west wing of the contemporarily designed hospital.

“Always glad to be of service. I guess I better get going too,” replied Vincent in a slow, muffled voice - almost speaking to himself as he walked towards the other end of the hospital.

The resident ER doctor was talking to one of the nightshift nurses when Allie came inside. They were conversing beside a patient covered with a white cloth from head to toe while the somber hum of the electrocardiograph echoed across the critical section of the emergency ward.

“So he finally crossed it, huh?” calmly asked the doctor as he put both his hands inside the pockets of his jacket. Beside him was a disconnected dextrose apparatus and a respirator.

Another one bit the dust too soon, thought Allie. She walked towards the body outlined only by its death cover; fresh blood was nowhere to be found but the banal scent of it lingered all over the place, indicating that whoever was beneath the sheets had died a little after he had been brought in not too long ago.

Allie asked her colleague out of curiosity, “What happened to this one?”

The other nurse flipped her rap sheet.

“Died of trauma complications after being in a state of comatose. Looks like he finally found the way out.”

Allie listened carefully. Doctors and nurses alike have been around a world where death is as routinized as the morning coffee that they’ve learned to see it from another level of indifference. The last sentence the nurse had said meant that the man was a hopeless case and had just been waiting for his time – as though he was wandering to find the exit
towards the afterlife.

A chill ran through the spine of Allie. She couldn’t explain it but it was one of those things in life that need not really be rational to be plausible.

The doctor approached the covers and unfurled it to expose the visage of the demised.

“Vincent Martinez… He was a brave man to have struggled for that long a time. I only wish we had more heroes like him.”

A tower of ice and fear encased Allie as she stared at the exposed cadaver.

The name.

The face.

It was the same person she had been conversing to for the last hour walking towards the hospital. It just had to be coincidence, she thought. It couldn’t make sense from any angle.

“How could this have happened? I went into this hospital with this man! How could this have happened??” barked Allie, not really asking anyone in particular. Frustration brewed inside her.

Was this a joke? A ghost story? Allie couldn’t begin to think of any logic.

She glanced once more at the patient. I couldn’t have been anybody else.

Just then, another wheeled stretcher came from the other section. It too was covered with a white sheet. There was a clear mark of sadness on the face of those who would have been otherwise indifferent inside the emergency room as the morticians wheeled away from the ward.

“A sacrificed life for naught,” said the doctor in a raspy voice. “He actually thought he could rescue her from that rampaging truck.”

The colleague nurse intercepted the mortician before heading for the exit.

“Wait up. I need one final confirmation before you head her up the morgue.”

The seemingly undaunted mortician turned to the nurse and flipped the sheets, exposing a badly contorted face of a woman whose facial frame had collapsed inward due some external trauma.

There were tears welling in the nurse’s eyes as she once again opened her records and scribbled a few letters along the brown paper filled with grids of patient information.

“That’s Alyanna Raymundo alright. Please, take Allie… her away,” shakily instructed the nightshifter. The doctor approached the nurse and held her close with his arms so as to console.

A singular tear formed across Allie’s left eye and streaked down her pale cheeks.

And then there was none.

The end.

Fathers Deserve More Credit

I can never get people who say they have nothing to thank their parents for. More specifically, I can never get people who say they're not thankful for their dads. If you're also thinking that way, you're missing a very big point.


Here's an idea. Next time you see your dad, give him a big hug. Say to him these words however you see fit:

Hi dad. Thank you for getting laid the night you made me. I could've ended up in the same way as a billion other potential siblings, wrapped in a Kleenex and thrown into the wastebasket or worse, sticking at the back of the seat of a cheap cinema showing cheap porn somewhere in Libertad. But you decided to inject the batch of sperm i belonged to into a woman's vagina, though I'm not sure if it was planned or not, but I ended up being born anyway so thanks.


Barring having to discuss the notion of your father masturbating, I'm sure saying those words will make you feel better.

Stand Up and Move

Just a short advisory. Until further notice, I'll be moving to another venue for my Open Mics from Toyz Cafe in Palanca every Tuesday night to Alchemy Bar near Tiendesitas every Thursday night. Assembly time is around 9-930. Actual open mic is after the first set.

Next time na lang ulit sa Toyz. :)

 

Legend of Chunli : Horrible Posters

I wont tell you how horrible the movie is. I've only seen trailers and it would be wrong for me to judge a movie by its trailers. What I can do tell you is that the posters of the movie sucks floppy donkey publicity dick. Just look at the poster. I'm not a graphics expert but this really looks like something either from the desk of a 14yo kid who just learned photoshop or a lowbudget movie from the 90s. Either way, it can't be good. Legend of Chunli is about, first and foremost, Chun Li.

So why is it that the person doing the kicking in the silhouette a GUY? Meanwhile, Chun li gets delegated to the far end of the poster, where she could be passed off as a minor character.

It gets better.



Maybe it's just me, or maybe at the last moment somebody from the thousand-strong production crew had a moment of genius. "wait a minute," this guy says. "if this movie is called Street Fighter and it has Chun Li in it, shouldn't Chun Li at least be in the poster, looking like Chun Li, doing Chun Li moves?"

Truest words ever spoken.

Unfortunately, it was all too late. The movie is done. The characters look nothing like their Street Fighter counterparts and the only way they can change things is through the only thing not yet done: the posters. Unforunately, we all know from Smallville that Kristine Kreuk can't kick for shit if her life and career depended on it, so they had to turn to the one guy who could change things: The stupid photoshop retard who made the original posters.

Armed with nothing but Adobe Photoshop and his amazing 14yo-level talents, photoshop guy managed to do something very few of his level could ever do:



Blatant false advertisement that screams "this is bullshit" from 500 meteres away.

1. That's not her leg.
2. That's not even her arm.
3. The guy is the same guy who got kicked in the original poster.
4. Chun Li's face is anything but in a kick-your-face mood.

If the posters are this bad, I can't really say the movie can get any better.

She's All That

When asked what is the quintessential movie for the teenage years of my generation, I can only think of one movie: She's All That.

(just look at the smile on that bastard)

Any guy from my generation who could afford to watch movies wanted Rachel Leigh Cook for a girlfriend as seen in this movie. It's not even too farfetched to think that one time you probably dreamt of being Freddie Prince jr, if only because he got to hook up with Rachel in this movie.

Asking a guy to describe her dream date for the prom was, he'd answer "Rachel Leigh Cook". Back then, that was the only acceptable answer that didn't involve prior knowledge of pornstar names.

In case you actually missed this movie, it's all about a jock AND scholar guy who gets dumped by his girlfriend. He makes a bet with a friend that he can make anybody become the prom queen in a short span of time and picks the nerdy Rachel Leigh Cook to become the target of his little project. Rachel Leigh Cook of course, undergoes a transformation that shocks even mr. Jock-AND-scholar. After 1.5 hours of movietime, the two finally hook up, and every teenage guy in the audience goes *sigh*.

Why on earth the guy's friend agreed to it despite the fact that Rachel was already steaming cute even as a nerd is beyond me.

As a final proof of my point, I personally have an original copy of this movie, and is one of the very few movies that I ever bought original copies of. Call the movie campy, or whatever the hell it is that you like to call it, but it did influence the preferences of a whole generation of guys.

And yes, ladies and gents, She's All That.

Elevator Psychology

Two years ago, I thought I've already talked about everything I needed to say about people riding elevators (i.e. they suck). This afternoon, I was proven wrong.

(this simple Physics illustration tells you if that elevator falls, you're dead)

I'm actually curious. Why is it that people get this urge to stand as close to the floor buttons as possible? It seems that of all the space that's available inside the elevator, that's where people can give the most inconvenience to others, but lo and behold, that's where people immediately go.

Why is that?

One theory I have is that the place has a symbolic value of control. The closer you are to the controller, the more in control you are. It comforts you from the fact that you are standing on a think piece of metal box suspended over an empty shaft many stories above the ground and the only thing preventing you from turning into paste are a few strands of cable made by the lowest bidders in China and the control box inside the elevator. Of course we all know there's nothing a control box can do when you're already plummeting into the ground at 60km per hour, but wishful thinking never hurt anybody.

Another theory is that it's just a behavioral aftereffect of childhood, when we played "bus driver" or "airplane driver" or whatever it is we wanted to play pretend back then. Everybody wanted to be the one at the helm. And now we're all grown up. Nothing much has changed, only that our playmates are no longer playing with us and have more body hair than before. We still want to be at the helm.

So this afternoon I entered the elevator and saw this fat lady reallly leaning close to the buttons. She was the only one inside. Seeing the ground floor button unpressed, I leaned over and pressed the button, putting my hand dangerously close to her massive groin bulge. She looked at me angrily, as though I was taking advantage of the situation.

Like what the hell, man.

Why in the world would I take pleasure in touching a Biblically proportioned camel toe? She's giving me no choice. The only alternative I got was to kick her in the ass so her vaginal hump can go press the button for me.

Or ask her, but that's not how I roll.

I have another theory.

People are idiots.

You Changed My Life Streaming Online

Am I the only one who hasn't seen this movie yet?

Look at John Lloyd's smile. Just look at it. He looks like he's a monster and is about to spirit a virgin away to his underworld nest. I got nothing against the guy, I'm just saying if this were a movie about demons feeding at hapless women, they just need to change the title from "You Changed My Life" to "I will eat your liver after I'm done with her".

Truth be told, I like Sarah Geronimo. There aren't many actresses in the industry who can say they're not into drugs, scandal, and dick fiestas. She's like Jolina many years ago, minus the dirty feeling you get after listening to Jolina's songs.

Still thinking if I should watch it.

Pros: It's got Sarah Geronimo in it.
Cons: It's got Sarah Geronimo in it.

In case you're looking for You Changed My Live Streaming Movie Online, you can just click here.

Legacy Scandal

There are days when I'm not sure anymore if I'm watching a senate hearing or browsing 4chan.



Honestly.

Watchmen Official Soundtrack (Rapidshare OST)

One of the best things about the Watchmen movie is the soundtrack. All those people bitching about how the movie isn't like the comic book should also agree that comic books are incapable of putting soundtracks on the story lest they come with accompanying musical scores you can whistle to while reading.

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying the songs in the movie and the chilling soundtracks arranged by Tyler "This is Sparta the Musical" Bates is something worth appreciating, so I've decided to give out a download link to the rapidshare of the Watchmen Movie Soundtrack.

Actual link is after the post.

update: fuck rapidshare.


http://uploaded.to/file/cm1gij/VA-The_Watchmen_(OST)-2009-MTD.rar

And yes, I'm a fan of Bob Dylan. And Rapidshare.

Oh and if you're the do-gooder type, I'll tell you that this copy is for evaluation purposes only.

Finer Points: Eating Out For Nerds (part 2)

Here's the second part of the article I published a few days ago. I promised I'd publish this the day after, but you know me.

So you've already chosen the restaurant, and you're about to sit. On a two-chair table, you'd sit opposite of each other. On a four-chair table configuration, you will still sit opposite of your date, specially if it's your first time to go out. On succeeding dates, it's possible to sit beside your date. More on this later. On a six table configuration, make sure you have a chair. You're playing trip to Jerusalem.




Ordering

As I have said, there are few instances were ordering a smaller amount than expected is better than ordering more than expected. If it's possible, have a rough estimate of how much food you can stuff down your date's throat without having to call paramedics. Take into consideration factors like allergies or the girl's religion: If she worships indian-style, she doesn't eat cow. If she worship's muslim-style, she doesn't eat pork. If she worships Keira Knightley, she doesn't eat anything.

Also, for the love of god, don't assume that she can eat as much as you can. You're a guy. God made you to become a finisher of leftovers. She's not. Order what you'd consider a modest meal. If she happens to be a strong eater, just order dessert. If she looks like she's still dead hungry after feeding her half of the menu, order the waiters to shoot her. You're dealing with a monster.

Eating

Avoid using your hands if you're not eating in an American-style restaurant. Use the napkin in front of you by laying it on your lap. You can also use it as a bib, but it's tasteless if done anywhere not Italian. Don't drink alcohol. Don't chew with your mouth open. Use the spoon to return anything you do not wish to swallow but have chewed on. Distract your date, then promptly cover the expectorated food with napkin the same way you'd delicately deal with the body of dead hooker.

Eat in modest amounts, and don't stuff your mouth like a hungry refugee given a bucket of KFC. Wipe your mouth every now and then, preferably after drinking. Don't force a woman to finish her meal. Offer to share some of yours if you ordered different food. Don't help yourself to her food unless she offers. Back off, nerd.

Small Talk

It's not just about eating. Make sure you maintain conversation in between bites. Don't be a retard. Talk about light topics, the ambiance, or the food. If possible, talk about the wonderful things you have read in Public Static and how much you want to become like Red Kinoko someday. This is not required, but it might help you in getting laid afterward.

Try not to appear too focused on eating. Every now and then, look at her in the eyes and smile, like you know, what you don't normally do in front of a computer.

Paying Up

Make sure you have money. I cannot stress this fact more. Normally, guys have to foot the bill. If a girl insists, offer to foot the bill once. If a girl insists again, split the bill. It won't make you less of a man to share the bill. Although it will make you less of a man if you share the bill and you're in a gay bar. But that's of another story. Remember to tip, even if there's service charge. A smaller tip will do fine, but if there's no SC, rule of thumb says 5-10%. When the girl is not looking and you two are leaving, feel free to reclaim the tip you put under the bill folder, you cheapskate. Just. Dont. Get. Caught.

Parting

Make sure you end the date on a high note. Offer coffee if you two have lots more to talk about. Always make sure you do your best in bringing the girl as far as you can to where she needs to be (home, office, another date, inside your pants, whatever). If she declines help, offer one more. If she still doesnt, dont push it and just be happy you got to go out with a girl that night. Make sure you give out the proper greetings. Tell her you enjoyed the night and be sincere about it. Hide your erection, keep your dirty thoughts to yourself.

Start praying hard for a second date.

Watching Men

If you're having a hard time appreciating Watchmen, consider the idea that in the production team, there was one graphic artist who dedicated days of his life animating, editing, and coloring the flaccid, uncircumsized, and often swinging penis of another guy into radioactive blue. Frame. by. fucking. Frame.

Connecting (strangers and) People

Schoolbag Roundup

No person can claim having gone through gradeschool/highschool during my time without ever wanting a particular bag because it was "uso" or the trend. With uniforms in place, bags were one of the very few avenues where you can convince the other students that you were "hip", "rad", or whatever it is that we used to denote "awesome" back then.

Trends in schoolbags used to change so often, you often had to find a way to junk your bag in the middle of the school year without your parents thinking you did it in purpose so you can convince them to buy a new bag, preferably the trendier ones.

Like all trends of course, being mainstream never really guarantees that the bags in style aren't stupid. Here are the few more notable bags that I can remember from my childhood:




Wheeled schoolbags

Ever kid wants a bag that they didn't have to put on their back, specially when the combined weight of the books they used to give us at school was that of an obese toddler (which we were forced to carry around). Seperate metal strollers solved this problem by putting our bag on wheeled portable carts so we can benefit from one of man's oldest inventions, and enabling us to race each other like the stupid kids we were supposed to back then.

Only bad part was that those metal strollers were heavy and were cumbersome to carry around with the bag when not in use. So what was the next best step? Bags that had buit-in wheels. No more seperate metal frame strollers. You just carted it around and then parked it right beside your desk. Back then, if you had a bag that had wheels, you'd be the first grade equivalent of a guy who drives around in a sports car - except there aren't any chicks to impress, or granted there were, you just didn't have the developed biological parts for you to take advantage of the situation.

Why did the trend die out?

Continuing with the sports car analogy, the sports car turns out to have the reliability of a badly fed horse. It just didnt work on the rough roads as nicely as the strollers. The small plastic wheels simply stop turning after a while, and you're left with a large bag that you cant wear on your back - so now you have to haul the obese toddler weight with your scrawny toddler arms.

Native Woven bags

Native Woven bags are awesome becuase back then, wearing one told everybody around you "I'm a rebel. Fuck your sports bags." Woven bags have always been trendy but never became mainstream, mainly because you can't just buy it anywhere. People who used these kinds of bags often further customized their bags with pen ink, highlighters, and other trinkets to get that "I'm homeless, but I'm homeless with style" effect. Done properly, the bag made you distinct compared to the masses who contented themselves with department store bags. Done improperly, you'd look like somebody who just came down from the mountains to forage.
Why did the trend die out?

One reason why abaca, mahogany, sinamay are no longer part of the usual backpack-making regimen is that those kinds of material are not exactly the most durable things you can make a bag out of. The bag develops splinters after a while, along with the straps, which when comibined with heavy load, becomes a self-service acupuncture. I hate needles.

Drawstring backpacks

At some point in my student life, people suddenly felt the urge to use what looked like flour sacks as bags. Cheap, easy to customize, and very minimalistic, they were basically just sacks with cord straps. Designs and prints varied from the free McDonald to the then superbrand of bags for women, Esprit. Nothing much can be said about these bags apart from that.
Why did the trend die out?
Flour sacks are funny things. They're not funny though, when it starts raining because they have the water resistance of the Wicked Witch of the West. Once the first drop hits the bag, everything inside will just turn into mulchy pulp. Also, the nylon cords were so hard on your shoulders, a few kilos of load in, they'd almost tear your arms off.

Fake adidas sports bags/shoulder bags

After a while, people just wanted to go branded, but were too cheap to actually buy real branded shit, so they went with fake ones. Big, lumbering sport shoulderbags became the rage of the day, some large enough to stash a dead hookers body, not that highschool students had anything to do with things like that. (in the event, we wont really learn about how to properly stash dead bodies until college)

Why did the trend die out?

They were fake, and nothing will change that. To be fair, the fake ones didn't initially look different from the original ones. Only after the lightly painted adidas logo started flaking off did you realize why it's cheaper by half the price (usually hours later). Also, shoulder bags are a bitch when carrying heavy stuff and commuting on packed jeepneys. It just wan't worth getting punched in the face by the guy sitting next to you because your bag extended to his oversensitive leg.

Clock Bags

to be fair, there were less flowery versions
of this bag for the guys

The epitomy of the principle "trendy and supposedly functional but still fucking useless", Clock bags were the hippest thing in school when I was still in gradeschool. We're not talking about bags with small digital display on the side here, these bags had a huge analog wallclocks that told the time to everybody but YOU, the douche who had to carry it around. It was simple, and showed everybody one bold statement "I AM HEADING TOWARD THE FUTURE OF UBIQUITOUS COMPUTING WITH THIS BAG, WHERE WILL YOUR BAG TAKE YOU?"

Why did the trend die out?
Many things:
- Explaining to the teacher why you were late is harder while using this kind of bag
- Not enough allowance to replace the batteries.
- It's a HUGE clock on YOUR bag
- We have wristwatches