Twilight Review (And Why It Sucks)

Twilight is one of those movies I don't think I'd ever find the motivation to watch in the big screen, but given the circumstances tonight, I thought I'd give it the shot with the consolation that even if I didn't like it, at least I'd be able to blog about something that doesn't involve me talking about my bowel movements.

And given the outcome, well, here's the review.

Twilight is a movie about a girl who hooks up with a vampire and eventually, gets led into a mysterious, dark world where a war is raging between good and evil for over a thousand years.

Just kidding.

It kinda ends after she hooks up, so if you're planning on watching and thinking that summary is accurate, you're setting your standards way too high (so just wait for the new Underworld movie instead - same shit minus the overtly gay undertones)

Getting formal with this review, I'd say the casting is apt. Vampires who are supposed to suck literally are being played by actors who are natural at sucking. The chicks are hot where they are supposed to, and the bad dudes are able to look somewhat bad without going overboard (i.e. not like Sauron)

Cinematography is dodgy, with the weather elements being more erratic than the actors. There was one scene my sister pointed out where the leading guy and girl were soaking wet because they were inexplicably talking in the rain, and after the conversation ends, it's all fucking sunny again, and they're both dry. Another scene shows the leading girl taking an entire day to look for a shop to buy a book she didn't read anyway.

Dialog sounds like the movie was tailored for only two types of audiences: pubescent teenage women and people who like enduring the pain of having to sit through painfully obvious, and baseless conversations. If a girl is able to think the introverted blurts of the vampire dude is charming, then maybe she really is stupid enough to not figure out the obvious like everybody else in the movie.

The plot itself is riddled with holes as well, and quite frankly, you just know the whole story is made up as a poor excuse for fanservice when the "horrible transformation" that the vampires take on when they get exposed to sunlight turns them into FABULOUS glittering gay objects of homolust.

Speaking of homolust, when did all the trend of "vampires = gay people" start anyway? I'm pretty sure Vlad the Impaler wasn't thinking of creating an entire goth subculture filled with braindead guys making out with each other when he was impaling those 50,000 soldiers for kicks. This movie solidifies the reason why nobody takes vampires seriously anymore.

The movie makes Harry Potter seem like an Oscar-worthy picture. At least the guys there were trying to make a decent movie out of a book. Twilight on the other hand had me wanting to read the book just because the various puzzling references and fleeting, purposeless minor character appearances had me going "What was that for?" most of the time. In this sense, this movie is more like a visual accompaniment for a book that probably contains the rest of the plot.

For what it's worth, there were two hot vampire chicks playing minor roles in the film, which made 5% of the entire movie somewhat enjoyable, and it's quite refreshing to see a movie where Indians are the ones persecuting the "white people" for once. I don't know why it's refreshing. Maybe because the last time I saw something like that, I was 11 and I was watching POCAHONTAS.

As a conclusion, I'd tone it down a bit and say maybe this movie is good for its intended audience (14yo girls and masochists). For a guy like me though, it's borderline painful to watch. And no, don't comment about how I need to read the book to appreciate the movie. The reason I like watching movies is because I don't have to read the goddamn book. (see Passion of The Christ) Left on its own, the movie is a trainwreck and is comparable to other high-budget-but-still-shit-quality movies like "You Got Served" and "Equilibrium".

Vampires suck.