Rhythm Tengoku Gold Walkthrough and Review

(note: work in progress)

Rhythm Tengoku Gold is a game for the DS that tests your sense of rhythm and your sense of timing by giving you random challenges ranging from shooting screws into the holes of spinning bolts to participating in a choir. Rhythm Tengoku Gold is like your drug-addled uncle, weird but at the same time hella fun.

Actually, there's not a lot of things that you should know about this game to be able to play it well. This article simply discusses how to overcome the first challege of this game - the goddamn moonspeak language.

Starting a game:
1. Tap and hold the circle on the right screen (since the ds is held vertically for this game) then swish the circle upward quickly so it disappears from the screen. If you fail, you can try again.
2. After you successfully toss the circle, the profile selection menu appears. If this is your first time, just tap any of the three slots.
3. In the name selection screen, just tap any of the characters and then tap the left button of the confirmation window to confirm. Training mode will start.

Training:
1. The objective of the first stage is to hit the frog statue on top of the screen by using the coin you can toss by pressing the screen with your stylus and then sliding your stylus across the right screen. Do this multiple times and you'll get to the next step.
2. The next stage is like the first stage, but this time you have to time your tosses so it hits the passing car. It takes a couple of tries to get it right but it shouldnt be too hard. After you finish this game, you finally start playing the different stages.

Stage selection:
Once you finish training, you are now allowed to select stages on the right side of the screen. A new stage gets unlocked when you clear the one below it. If this is your first time, only the first square is unlocked, with a flashing "new" speech bubble. Tap that and you're good to go.

Saving:
This game autosaves so you shouldn't worry about it.

Loading a game:
On the profile selection screen, just tap the slot where your profile is located and then tap the biggest button on the confirmation screen. The button to the lower left is for rename, the one for the lower right is delete and the lowest button is for cancel.

Skipping Stages:
If you failed any of the mini-games for a certain number of times (three or four will do) and you want to skip it out or frustration, all you need to do is to click on the coffee cup icon located in the bottom-right corner of the mini-game selection screen.

In the next page, choose the uppermost option, and just tap away at the text. Usually, you have to repeat the mini-game you're stuck on after doing the above steps, so play through it again.

When you fail it and get sent back to the mini-game selection screen, you'll notice that the coffee cup icon is slightly changed (if it isn't, you need to play through and fail the mini-game again then tap the coffee cup icon).

Touch the coffee cup again and select the uppermost option, and after a few pages of text you will be presented with a choice. Pick the left button and the stage will finally be unlocked.

(credits to Mai of Don't Lick Them Turtles Blog She's a bigger fan of the game than I am, at the moment at least. Thanks!)

Training Phase:
Every beginning of the stage has a training phase where you will be given a chance to try out the mechanics of the stage. You can either skip the whole training phase by clicking the long blue button above your screen, or performing the required training tasks a certain number of times. I suggest you don't skip this the first time around though.


Stage Mechanics
Since every stage has different goals, it took me a while to figure out what needs to be done. I'll try to write down here what you need to do.

1. The goal of this stage is to shoot a bolt between two nuts spinning towards the center where their holes intersect. While this happens, a piano is playing in the background. Focus on the piano more and it'll be a lot easier (actually this tip is useful for a lot of the other stages too) At some point in the actual stage, you will be required to do the task with only the center area visible. If you have mastered the shooting by hearing, this shouldn't be a problem.

2. The goal of this stage is to help what looks like a doughboy to perform in the choir. Controls are as follows: Pressing the stylus towards the screen silences the boy, removing the stylus makes him sing. Swinging the the stylus up makes the doughboy wail (AAAAAH). This stage is hard because of the different patterns, but basically you just have to immitate what the two other boys are doing, but not usually at the same time as them. For the first example, you have to sing after the second boy has sung. When the conductor says "Yobun daze", you will have to wail at the same time as the two. If you fail your timing, the two kids will have a >__> face. Get too much of this and you will fail the stage.

3. Robots! This stage is straightforward. Wait for the robot to be assembled, and just as it passes above your tube thingie, press the screen so the tube lowers and hits the robot in the middle of the head. Missing will cause the head to tilt, which is instant failure. Once the tube connects, wait for the paint to fill the robot up then pull back. You can approach this stage by either using the music or just waiting for the paint to reach the small square on top of its head, afterwhich you can just release for a quick perfect-timing operation. Tricky part is that the robots sometimes become big and fill up at a different rate. Nothing too hard.

4. Monkey clapping stage. This stage is awesome. You have to clap at the request of a singer singing a rather cute song. There are two patterns to memorize. One is the 4-clap pattern (first part of the training) and the 1-2-Cheer pattern (2nd part of the training). The 1-2-Cheer pattern is a bitch, I swear. Anyway, clap by tapping the screen and then cheer by sliding the stylus upwards quickly after holding it against the screen. As for which to perform, just pay attention to how the girl requests. I also think the pattern for which to clap at what part is fixed. If you can't tell, just memorize what the other monkeys are doing. If you fail in timing, the other two monkeys will give you the evil monkey stare.

5. Stage 5 is like a review. It will remix everything you've done for the first four stages. If you didn't cheat your way to this point, you can breeze through this stage in a single try.

As for the other stages, I'm still playing them so, yeah. Figure it out on your own. If you feel like you can contribute, drop me a message at my yahoo messenger. Full credits will be given.

Disclaimer:
I made this guide by analyzing the game from a complete gaijin's perspective. I know jackshit about Japanese so that's about as much as I can do.

Dragon Ball Z Opening Song Dubs In Different Languages

A Dragon Ball World in Review

There aren't many things in this world that get translated into so many languages and reach people on a scale that's usually reserved for the Christian Bible, American foreign policy hatemails, and Paris Hilton' snatch. One of these few other things is Dragonball, a Japanese cartoon which hit the shores of my country 14 years ago, changing the way kids imagine epic fights (with huge auras and blasts that almost feel like freudan compensation) and porn.

Apparently our country wasn't the only place where dragonball spread out, and in order to cater better to the audience, voices and songs were redubbed into different languages - for better or worse. Here are some versions we found floating in youtube, along with my first impressions.

If you are unfamiliar with the song, here is the original Japanese version:


Sung by Hironobu Kageyama in 1989, this song has since become the defining anthem of his career, which is kinda awesome in a way that he's done something that will last for a very long time and sucks at the same time since the childish nature of the song prevented him from doing death metal where his voice could have been more appreciated.

That said, here are the rest of the world's versions:

Spanish

First in our list is Spanish. Even though the actual instrumental layers have been changed, this version actually boasts very close resemblance to the original song, I mean, if Ricky Martin was singing it anyway. The bouncy feeling is retained and it's overall very much presentable.

Mexican

Mexico's version uses a minus one for their recording, which is understandable. For a country that boasts a lot of Japanese music cover bands in youtube (tube it if you don't believe me) I can't help but think they could've chosen somebody better could've sung the song. In any case, the song is like it's Spanish counterpart (actually they sound almost alike) and sticks very close to the original. Good show.


Hungarian

If Mexico and Spain made sure they stuck to the original, Hungary made it a point to show more creativity by creating their own jingle. Jingle, because I feel that this song isn't really fitting for the animation about violent fights and bald men but rather something you'd expect from a children's show like Doraemon or My Little Pony (xtreme)

French

The French, with a reputation of discarding the rules in the interest of following their own sense of aesthetics, predictably did their own song rather than redub the original. The end product turns out to be over-cheery but I guess it's understandable seeing this song comes from a nation where they like to describe their capital 'gay'. Good song, but rather inappropriate.


Philippines

This video came from a time when the Philippines was still undecided as to whether they should dub all Japanese animations in English or in the native Filipino. If you're wondering why they had to do their own version when there's already the American one, this actually came 2 years before Dragonball Z came out in America. Soundtrack is original, and the singer stuck close to the original albeit he sounded too soft, as though he's romancing instead of singing out of joy.

Thailand

This was the best I could find. Not really good English speakers, but big fans of the Japanese animation scene, they just put a short notice at the beginning and played the original Japanese. It's not really being lazy, I guess rather than fuck up the song, they just offered the audience the raw form, which works just fine (ask any anime nerd)

Italian

Village people, do you know it? Anyway aside from the intro that sounded like Goku became an indian and piccolo turned policeofficer, the song is actually awesome. Even as an original, it captures the challenging sound of the Japanese version. This is actually one of my favorites. I guess there's still some magic left in the country that revolutionized operas and noodles.

Korean

To be honest, I really think Korean is not the best language for singing, that's why I can really appreciate this opening song. It's actually listenable, and you can see the effort done to stay real close to the Japanese version. Nothing much to say about this version.


Cantonese

Dragonball gets its inspiration from the Chinese opera called the Legend of the Monkey King so in a way, this is just like returning to the roots. Original soundtrack is used, but I can't help but notice the additional guitar track placed with the dub. Is this to compensate for the over twangy accent of the Cantonese language?


Valenciano

Okay, to be honest here, I don't even know why there's Valenciano when there's already Spanish. It sounds like the Spanish version, and it's probably played for the same people. (and yes I'm too lazy to google, but I do know it's a dialect of sorts.

German

The German tongue is naturally sharp and strong-accented, and since this song also follows the Japanese original, it's one of the best close-rendition versions. The only way that I can think this can be improved is if Germany wised up and asked another group to do the cover, like you know, Rammstein. Now THAT would rock even harder than the original Japanese.


Arabic

The Arabic version (I don't really know which country it comes from) sounds really traditional, and you know the guys who did it had a song sense of culture. That's both the best and worst characteristic of this version. On one hand, it's nice to see localization that actually feels local, on the other, well, to be fair the only Arabic videos with music that I've seen in internet streaming videos are those propaganda Mujahadeen videos. I better stop now before I say something blatantly racist.

When it rains...

Somebody should invent a portable foam dispenser about the size of a small umbrella. You know you'd still be wet when it rains hard, but hey, free foamed-up street party.

One thing I like about the rain though is that all guys get to become superman at some point, gaining the power to see through women's clothes. I realized I'm still no superman though when I get too excited, take off my pants, and realize there's nothing underneath.

How the hell does Clark Kent manage on those days he forgets to bring his costume at work? One minute he's a super hero cum reporter the next thing you know he's the infamous phonebooth stripper.

One probably reason why we never really see much of Poland's diverse culture is that any troupe coming out of their country would have to face having to answer to the call of being "pole dancers."

If ever we live to see the future that happened in Terminator, I bet it would be really rude to do The Robot dance at ANY party (unless of course it's hosted by SkyNet)

Oh yeah, I have a multiply account now. Hook me up.

http://redkinoko.multiply.com

If we did as the politicians do...

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No you don't look like a terrorist

subtitle: (But you still blow, bigtime)

What is it with people wearing ghutras lately? I'm not really a close observer of the local fashion trends but occasionally, people who're responsible for creating the latest fashion come up with ideas so stupid, the sheer idiocy smacks you in the face like a fist of irony from 50 meters away of the wearer.

pictured: stupid, in different colours

I understand that our brothers in the South have cultural attachment to the Middle East, but I don't recall people from Luzon ever had a thing for Arabic culture, or any semblance of culture outside hivemind fashion mentality for that matter.

Supporters would often tell me, it's more of a practical thing than fashion. Every time I hear that, I die a little, and get an increase in my criminal tendencies. I seriously beg to differ (if possible, with a loaded revolver in hand)

Ghutras as I remember them from my stay in Saudi were mainly for keeping the face from turning into a human sandbox during sandstorms, which is the equivalent of our Typhoons here, except the raindrops are solid and have this thing for raping your skin with the delicacy of rough sandpaper through soft wood. Worn on the face, Ghutras are very efficient in keeping the sand out.

On better days it protected people from the blast of the sun, because better days just means the sun is up and is hot enough to fry eggs spread out in the middle of the road, not that anybody would cook that way, given that Arabs are helluva fast drivers. And since your brain is normally no different from eggs, it only makes sense to use a ghutra to make sure your head doesn't get directly exposed to the sun. On these days, they're worn ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD WHERE YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN IS.

During winter, people do wear the ghutras around their neck to prevent them from losing unnecessary heat through their necks. Funny because I don't recall our country ever having this season they call "winter". That's probably why I'm raging whenever I see assholes wearing the ghutra in this fashion, walking around in arid heat, the same way leather jackets are worn by our pinoy movie kontrabidas just to look badass (and fail at it).

I guess we'll just be chalking up this one with those things people will be laughing at ten years from now, along with wearing glorified bathroom slippers, plastic mold crocs, and pointy shoes for women.

I'm from the future though, because I don't need ten years to realize how stupid these things are, and every single person who wears them out of trendism.

Misusing Movie Quotes: Batman Dark Knight Quotes

Let's face it, half of what we shouldn't have learned but learned anyway came from the movies. It's only natural that we find ourselves using quotes from some movies to express our emotions. This article is a short checklist on how to NOT use certain quotes.

Quote: This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

Source: The Joker from Batman: The Dark Knight.

Where to not use the quote:

- Justifying pregnancy.

- Crashing the car into your garage after a night's bout of drunk driving.

- Explaining to your mom why you have to go home with a black eye.

- Telling your kid how he was conceived into this world.

- Anything involving guns.

Today, July 18, 2008

I'd like to mark this day as a National Day of Mourning for all the gullible souls that inhabit our side of the internet. May you all rest in peace and never multiply. Seriously, we should consider weaponizing this kind of stupidity. We'd put gullible people in warheads and send them off to other countries where they'll spread their warfare-grade enriched dose of jackassery. It'll be devastating* We'd be a superpower in no time (granted there's enough left of us to actually still have a country)

I will not blog about the stupid earthquake prediction. Whoever even considers that mail is a moron. If you've done so and you're reading this right now, here's what I have to say.

You're a moron. You're a burden to society. You do not deserve to breathe the same air I breathe. You should never have kids. You should not get in contact with other people's kids, or other people for that matter. Get out of this website. Out of the internet, if possible. We need less ignorant asstards cluttering up our webspace. Print out your forwarded mail and choke on it. If you don't know how to print copies of your emails, call tech support and ask them to choke you instead. It's be the best thing you'll ever do for society.

Other than that, today's a pretty nice day, ain't it?

*Under the assumption that the target country has at least a good dose of stupid people as well, which is almost always the case.

My Dad Is A Fisherman

My dad had this penchant for telling stories about how he walked miles to school barefoot, because slippers were too precious to use up just by walking. He'd make jokes about selling dishes deliberately smoked with burning newspaper so they can be passed off as "agaw sunog" as a teenager. He also told me how he got jailed for vagrancy one time during the Martial Law days because he snuck out of the house to visit a beerhouse while fetching water late at night. There was also this story about getting jailed during his early days as an Engineer in KSA for lying in the bed of a prince just to know how it felt like. He told me those, among many other rather unbelievable stories that I learned to take with a grain of salt.

My dad also told me he used to be a fisherman before he went to Manila to study in college. He explained to me how to tell the time using nothing but the stars, an idea that I still can't begin to comprehend many many years after. I've actually forgotten about him being a fisherman until very recently, during one of our few times that we spent together. That time, we were talking about the recent Sulpicio ship sinking while eating steak (yes, not the best topic to bring up while eating medium rare meat). My uncle who was also from Masbate joined us during that meal. My sister had brought the topic up because she was concerned the spilled chemicals might reach Boracay, where she'd be spending honeymoon after her wedding.

At that point my dad and uncle went into rapid fire discussion about how far the location of the capsized ship was from the beaches of Boracay. They talked about the islands around Romblon and Aklan like they were damn streets. "If you turn right after that coast, you'd already be facing Boracay," I heard my dad say. "It's not far from " but the Habagat winds are strong there." "The currents of will carry the chemicals away, not toward Boracay." I actually lost track of what else they talked about, but the same way House talks about diseases we don't understand, it still sounded awesome. My dad really knew the shit when it came to using a boat.

I smiled. My dad's a fisherman and an engineer.

And he's fucking awesome.

What can YOUR dad do?

Ode To My Umbrella

Another umbrella of mine has gone with the wind.
To join my other parasols in the big place in the sky
where umbrellas enjoy all the rain drops they want
splashing on their latex faces like in a Japanese adult video
where no wind will ever touch its frames unbent
where no gust will ever twist its locks unbusted
where no storm will ever rape its hinges like a crazy motherfucker
and leave it looking like some robotic tentacled monster

Another umbrella of mine has gone with the wind
how it sailed with the ravage for one last time
in protecting me from the wet, it never lacked
even as it screamed the same way I would
if my bones bent like that, anyway
Thank god I'm not made of aluminum and cloth.
It lies now on the floor, but its spirit shall remain
folded in my heart for the storms of my own soul

Another umbrella of mine has gone with the wind
the seventh, if I knew how to count past five
it's a windy place for me to live in,
and a brave world for such a frail umbrella
for its frames are weak and made in China
but its mettle is of steel
and its courage out of this world.

So
yeah
let this
let this be
this is be my ode
this is my ode to my friend
An Ode To my friend the umbrella
Ode to my umbrella
(ella ella eh eh eh. )
ella
ella
eh
eh
(who
sadly
can't read)

Blind Dating for Gentlemen

Blind dates are like beggars. While they're not exactly forced on you, sooner or later you'd come across these. And while you can step aside or run away from them like an escaped lunatic, sometimes they just corner you and force you to deal with them. This guide will help you during those trapping moments. Or not.

1. All blind dates are 50-50. 50% says you're better looking than your date, the other 50% says you're uglier. Nothing will ever change that. The cardinal rule of blind dating is to not expect anything. The sooner you accept that having Angel Locsin magically appear in a blind date with you is zero, the sooner you just might be able to have fun with the cards dealt to you (yes, even if you get the occasional joker)

2. Meeting up can get tricky. You always have the option of making the girl reveal what she's wearing first so you can scout ahead of her, but that's not how gentlemen roll. Man up and tell the person what you're wearing or where you are. If the girl finds you revolting and runs off without showing herself, that's her problem. There's a special place in hell for people like that anyway (it probably looks like Afghanistan, where simply running off can get you lost in the desert and eaten by vultures and Taliban)

3. Just because it's called blind doesn't mean you should also act visually-cum-mentally handicapped. Have an itinerary ready, the same way you handle normal dates. List of restos, entertainment, and possible doodads should be in your head and ready to be checked at any point during the date. Let the girl decide by providing choices, but be ready to take the lead if she starts getting indecisive like how most women are genetically programmed (Anna, if you read this, I'm just kidding, baby).

4. The problem with blind dates is the first word, "blind". You're going in blind most of the time, meaning you have no idea what makes the girl tick or if the only common trait you have is that you both consume oxygen when breathing. Be inquisitive and don't shy on information either. Chicks dig getting asked. I think it roots to how every girl born in this country aspired to be Ms. Philippines at some point in their life (until they scarred their leg once and their parents told them they're no longer eligible) . As for things in common, the only way to prevent a situation when you have nothing in common or nothing to talk about is to learn about as many things as possible, from car engines to the latest season of House M.D. to nail polishes (if you're swinging partially that way). If you still get a zero commonality scenario, assume the "student" stance and then ask the girl to show you the details of any single interest she has (protip: menstruation is an exception. You do not talk about that ever.)

5. Another important rule is to be polite. Girls are girls, and despite the fact that no two girls are the same - they should be treated in the same way - with respect. That means not talking about dick jokes if she doesn't start it. Offering to carry her bag, open the door, take her home, and pay for the bill - unless she declines the offer (and only if twice). Do not allow her to get drunk and don't get drunk yourself - specially on the first date. And if ever you do get drunk, do not urinate on the table candle just to tell your date "that's how a fireman should do it".

6. No matter if you are romantically interested with the girl or not, keep the line open even after the date. Make sure you have followthroughs in the form of periodic communications, provided the date did not end horribly, like if any form of vehicle with sirens are present during your parting, it can't be a good sign. The goal of blind dates is to get people acquainted and not to have them produce babies after a night at some rundown motel just outside the Makati area. A girl who might not make a good girlfriend could make a good friend. Friends have friends, and your dream girl just might be one social network hop away. My point is this: don't burn bridges just because you don't like the face at the toll booth. Who knows? Some girls just grow on you. (but not all)

7. Last tip is be yourself. All dates are about getting to know the other person. If you come to a date as another person, that's already false marketing - a crime that should be punishable in our penal system. A gentleman should always come as himself, preferably fully clothed. Honesty is a rare commodity nowadays. Just being true to yourself is already a big positive, unless we're talking about HIV, in which case negative is positive. Or something. I'm getting confused too.

There you have it folks. Happy blind dating, or dating the blind, whichever suits your face, and her tastes.

Coffee Shop Assholes 101

As a quick foreword, I am not an avid coffee drinker. The stuff fucks my system up faster than unchased gin. I go to coffee shops because more often than not, they're the only places inside malls where you can talk to another person without having to shout in flea-market volume. Of course, other people want to go the the shop too, and for other reasons - mostly not directly involving coffee, which is sort of like going inside a cinema to get airconditioning. And as with most of what I write in this site, where there are people - there are assholes. That said, this article is a quick list of assholes you might, and probably will eventually come across during one of your visits in these shops selling hot water tainted with boiled innards of overcooked beans. (not so classy now is it?)

5. Overclassy callcenter agent
Okay, so maybe I'm stereotyping here, but stereotypes are there for a reason. It's like every time I go to Starbucks, there's always this one noisy asshole who disrupts the tranquility of the cafe by ranting mindlessly about his new cellphone or last "call" in perfect American (i.e. pretentious asshole) accent. Whether it's a force of habit or just his way of asserting superiority over other patrons is not known. In fact it doesn't even matter. Fact is, nobody really gives a shit about anything that comes out of his mouth, unless it's his broken teeth after somebody finally decides that his coffee is best served with a nice add-on socking in the face with a fist.

4. Internet Leech cum Laptop asshole
Technology is a great thing. Laptops are a great example. What's not great is that technology comes with technofags who consider their new "gadgets" are a status symbol. Always appearing to be the diligent corporate powerhouse on the go, these guys are often staring at the screen, barely touching the coffee that they are supposed to be drinking inside a COFFEE shop. Truth isn't as awesome though, as most of these guys are either in the shop to mooch on the free wireless internet, streaming the latest funny off youtube, and updating their sad overcustomized friendster accounts that hardly anybody visits. Actually that' s only for the subtypse that have learned to figure out how to connect to the wireless. If you're observant enough, you'll notice that most of these laptards are just doing any of three things:

- Watching a movie. That's why they look concentrated, most laptop speakers sound like shit and people have to concentrate to understand anything - specially when it's just a pirated movie you torrented off the net.

- Looking at ugly pictures of them and their friends.

- Randomly clicking at folders. I swear to god, there are so many people who do this, like they've never seen a windows folder in their entire lives and eyes filled with wondering if the next folder will hold something special. (read: specially retarded)

3. Bulk buyer
This person is somewhat special because most likely, she will not be staying inside the cafe - for long. Instead, she'll be choking the line by ordering what will range between 4-11 cups of coffee for her officemates who happen to be too fucking lazy to get off their useless asses and get their own. Much pity is to be given to this person, directly proportional to the number of cups she has to buy, because each cup represents at least one person in her office who happens to be smarter than her in the sense that they were able to pretend to be more important, and therefore need to be in the office more than Bulk Buyer. Meanwhile, you're stuck in the waiting area, wondering whether you can get coffee faster if you started planting a coffee tree outside and wait for the beans to grow out.

2. Out-of-school student
Out-of-school student isn't really out-of-school. He just happens to choose to become a student outside his school. These guys are easy to spot, with books and notes scattered all over the table/s and spare chairs that would otherwise be perfectly good for, oh I don't know, DRINKING COFFEE and SITTING DOWN. These guys apparently haven't heard of the term "Library" where there's pretty much everything they would need to study - minus the coffee that you don't see them drinking anyway. Every now and then you'd hear him trying to chant a list or formula he's trying to memorize, which theoretically would give him a scholastic charm that might get girls interested in brainy guys hooked - but fails in doing so anyway. Listen, if you think studying in a place where lot's of people are talking is good for your grades then maybe you're not taking the right kind of education. *cough* SPED *cough*

1. Generally every person who takes 2 hours to drink a regular joe.
Now this is a no-brainer. We all had this coming. And you fucking know you're guilty of it too. Shut up. You are. Yes, you and your friends. Remember that time you guys had already finished your small cups of lattes and you were still hanging out in Starbucks with your friends, mooching off the free water, airconditioning and ambiance while people outside waited for you guys to finish and finally realize you're just being a bunch of cheapskate assholes? The guy standing outside could've been me. And I was thinking of making a list of assholes you find in Starbucks with you in my #1 position. It's a coffee shop. Drink the goddamn coffee, talk while you're at it, then order something else or LEAVE.

Some people.

Fuel Woes

Almost thirty years ago, a guy named Ariel Ureta said on TV "Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, bisikleta ang kailangan." (For the improvement of the country, we need bicycles) It was a lame wordplay on the new regime's "Disiplina ang kailangan" (we need disicpline) motto. The unfunny motherfucker was sentenced to riding the bike around Camp Crame for a week, probably because people back then were less tolerant of shitty puns. I'm not even sure how Jimmy Santos lived through that era.

In any case, 30 years hence, Ariel Ureta's words is starting to make sense. With the skyrocketing fuel prices, and increasing transportation costs, people are starting to look for transportation alternatives, like, well, bicycles, and for people looking for compact versions - unicycles. Car companies, you just gotta look into this.

pictured: Toyota's new compact,
2009 model 1wheeldrive Zykleta

Why not right? If you're not that far from where you work, an hour on a bike running at 10kmph will give you 10km - that's the distance between Cavite and Parañaque already. Sure, you'll be a sweaty bastard when you arrive at your destination, but that's why we have deodorant, a commodity whose price doesn't appreciate 50centavos per litre every weekend. And there are actually some girls that like their guys sweaty. Don't ask. Let's end it there.

Oh yeah, about water cars. Somebody's bound to suggest that. Unless somebody learns how to separate H2 from O without using electrolysis, it just wont work. More power is spent splitting the atoms than is generated from setting fire to the H2 component. In other words, Mr. Flintstone gets more mileage in his foot-powered car than you will using a water car. The sooner you quit dreaming, the faster we can move on.

In the interest of preservation, we can also harvest other things that we're pretty abundant in. Among these are the following:

- Methane in closed spaces like elevators and LRT cabins. Harvest those farts. Arrest anybody who tries to steal this resource by inhaling our precious natural gas!
- Journalists from inquirer.net who don't know the difference between your and you're. If you add their works to the mix, all that dryness will make a good burn.
- Grease from taong grasa. I'm not really sure if those things are flammable, but we can always try right? If this is feasible, we'd be solving abject poverty and our power crisis at the same time.
- Smuggery. We'll never run out of those. The next time somebody tells you they're saving Mother Earth by drinking Starbucks in recycled cups, you can toss them inside an engine that runs on smuggery. I bet the mileage for that kind of machine will be real high.
- Oil from Shakey's food. We should really start consider drilling for oil in those Bunch-of-Lunch plates. Just eating one will make you think there's enough oil there to turn you into the Shah of Iran.
- Or how about gunpowder? Rocket-assisted transportation sounds awesome, and it just might help boost our ailing life Insurance industry.

If I don't post anything again in the next two days, either my plan of attaching baby rockets to my office chair has succeeded in sending me to Boracay or I'm dead.

Or both.

In any case, I'm doing my part.

Fun With Clone Machines

I was watching a feature on Discovery Channel about cloning the other day when I though to myself, why would anybody want a cloning device? While it's cool to multiply people like Toni Gonzaga and Angel Locsin, such a technology going mainstream means we'd have state-of-the-art ugly factories too, producing copies of people like Vina Morales and your hideous tito who still thinks moustaches are the in thing.

So I took that as a challenge and thought of reasons why I'd want a cloning machine for myself. Here are the results.

1. Life insurances will be my new source of income. Everyday I'd just clone myself, have myself as my own beneficiary, and then proceed to shoot him with a revolver in the forehead twice. Or better yet, I'll make people who hate me shoot my clone in the forehead - and then charge them damages.

2. I don't have to use Adobe Aftereffects to create shitty film illusions to clone myself. In fact, I just might stage my own war movie, starring myself. Stunts will be performed by the clones.
Anybody who refuses gets offered up to my "life insurance" gig.

3. I'll beat the record number of inmates in that Cebu prison dance video of Thriller. As an added bonus, I'll have my clones do that and then reenact a war movie scene afterwards (see #3)

4. I'll create 50 copies of myself and enroll myself in one class. I bet roll call will be fun.

5. I'll clone Jose Rizal and Andres Bonifacio, make a couple of hundred copies, and then use them to invade Sabah. While my invasion might not succeed, I can most certainly use those extra non-working holidays they'll produce.

So what'll you do with your clones?

Denver The Last Dinosaur

Warning: Spoilers ahead. (highlight for actual text)

[ He's my friend and a whole lot more ]

Fears

Every man fears something. Fear is systemic, and everybody will always have that one thing he fears more than anything. For some people it's spiders, for others, clowns. It can be anything and there's one for every person you know. Show me a guy who says he doesn't have anything to fear and I'll show you a guy who's afraid to show he has a small penis (chances are he really does).

By everybody, I mean everybody, including me. I do have a phobia, I'm just thankful the thing I'm afraid of doesn't have a very long name (or any name for that matter) and it doesn't occur to me very often.

See, ever since I was a kid, about three or four, I've always been afraid of sharks. To be more specific, I'm afraid of being in the water with the thought that there might be sharks beneath, or behind me. It doesn't have a name yet, and I hate to call it alonusinthewateruswithlotsoffuckingsharpteethus-phobia so I just call it my own little fear.

I know it exists but I'm not really controlling it well. When it attacks, I just get all uncoordinated and panicky, which isn't really good when your favorite pastime is being in the water where you can actually die of just panicking. It can be on any body of water, regardless of the possibility of sharks being in it. Swimming pool? Check. Landlocked lagoon? Check. At one point it got so bad I was afraid of a "timba" of water i was using for bathing because the water got murky enough for me to not see the bottom.

Worst bit is when it happens while I'm in the middle of actually swimming. The thought of a shark comes to my head and suddenly i find myself trying to check the water around me if there are any sharks around at the risk of getting muscle cramps from all the twisting I have to do. Either that or I speed up and hurry towards the nearest person or high place like a ladder or beach. (If you're asking why the nearest person, it's because then I wont have to outswim the shark - only that person).

In any case, it's threatened my safety more than once, either because I had cramps or because I ended up swimming towards the wrong direction (i.e. towards the bottom of the sea instead of the surface) I'm not a bad swimmer, if I may be so bold in stating that, but my case of phobia often turns me into a stupid swimmer, which is the worst kind of swimmer, next to the pool-urinating type (who doesn't endanger lives any more than he endangers general hygiene)

Thinking back to where it came from, I remember as a kid, my dad took me to Ocean Park HongKong and held me directly above a huge tank filled with fish, that he nicely referred to as "sharks". (that asshole) I didn't really cry because of that, but later on I watched the film Jaws and thought of how dangerously close I had been to becoming part of a campy sea-horror movie. It just kinda got stuck, and before long I already was afraid of being alone in the water.

Luckily, I'm also the type that forgets bad things quickly, so that memory is repressed at the back of my head. It doesn't pop up very often, so I am able to swim a couple of laps and dive up to 12feet underwater without having any problems - as long as the thought doesn't surface.

A few years back I got to swim with reefsharks at Eagle's Point, but only out of peer pressure. Nobody at the time knew how fuck scared I was, and my trembling wasn't easily detectable underwater (it was sorta like urinating). It took my fears away a bit, but old habits really die hard.

You might be thinking why I'm writing this here now. No really reason, actually, I'm just sharing. I'd say, if in the future, you go swimming with me and you suddenly see me going batshit insane in the water, you'd know why - and you know it's not a good time to do that "fake shark attack" joke lest I plunge my foot deep into your ass afterwards. Of course it could be a real shark attack too, so you may want to double check first.

Your turn. What's your innermost fear?

Wanted: The Movie Review

Spoiler free part:
In my life, I've done many stupid things, some of those I really enjoyed doing with the full knowledge that what I was doing was stupid, but hella fun nonetheless. This includes repeatedly crossing a very deadly highway after school so I can shorten my trip home enough to be able to watch afternoon cartoons as a kid, and, decade later, making it hard for the next generation of highway crossers on that same stretch of asphalt with my car.

If those sort of experiences can be turned into a movie, the result would become Wanted - a movie riddled with many things that will make you say "THIS IS FUCKING STUPID." while sporting a raging hardon for the nonstop awesomeness the movie delivers. Directed by Russian Timur Bekmambetov, this movie is all about awesome scenes that go hand in hand with jackassery that's simply mindblowing.

The story is about joe schmoe named Wesley whose father is a member of a fraternity of assassins wittily nicknamed "The Fraternity" (oh u). After his father dies, he is then recruited and sent of by the fraternity to avenge his father.

In terms of actors, the movie is not lacking. There's Morgan Freeman in his eternal "mentor/quiet leader" stereotype and there's Angelina Jolie. Did I mention there's Angelina Jolie? because I thought I said "Angelina Jolie went naked again".

Action sequences are top notch, with gunfight sequences that say "This is how Equilibrium's Gun Kata should have been done", awesome enough to look cool and realistic enough to say "Fuck Equilibrium!" One liners aren't lacking either, and the presence of Russian humor adds a distinct flavor to the obviously overdone premise.

Spoilers start here:

If you've noticed, I used "stupid" once too many in this review. It's for good reason - because many times during the movie, common sense gets sacrificed in the name of looking cool (or just having fun)

- The multistage sniper rifle used by Wesley and Cross mark their targets with an X. A huge fucking X mark. You think if you were somebody from The Fraternity you'd notice something like a huge plaster marking X placed on top of perfectly good carpeting. Well, turns out these guys may be great assassins, but they just have no taste when it comes to interior design.

- Rats. Peanutbutter. Wrist watches. I don't think I've ever seen anything as ridiculous as that scene. The fact that he was able to fill a dumptruck filled with rats that had wristwatches attached to them meant Wesley spent countless hours taking them out of the truck (he lead the rats into the truck with peanutbutter first), slap them with wrist watches and placed them inside again. If you try to do this in real life, it's a suicide mission. Interestingly, you just might be the first ever victim of the Black Death in a hundred years.

- Still on the topic of rats, how hard is it to close a goddamn door anyway? The entire factory exploded because of the rats. That means every room in the place had to have been open (and there must've been peanut butter like fucking everywhere) Why a textile factory would have peanut butter is beyond me. (last time I checked we don't need peanut butter to make popped-collar shirts)

- The Fraternity is a 1000 year organization. The automated loom presented in the movie on the other hand, was nonexistent until the 16th century. Meaning for the first 700 years or so, these guys weren't doing anything (planting corn, maybe?)

- Wait. Loom. Talking. It's a loom that talks. You'd think they couldn't have done so badly in finding an excuse for killing people. Think about it. 1000 years of obeying thread runs in the produced textile by accident. You'd think some guy would find the idea stupid and the whole thing would die out after a year or so, but no. It actually lasted for 1000 years.

Conclusion:

The movie has lots of stupid moments, but you have to admit, curving those bullets are just too cool. While saying "this is stupid", my face had a grin that just wouldn't go away. As a corporate slave like Wesley, seeing him indulge in his fit of rage was pretty awesome too, because that's something I'd never do and walk out of in one piece.

Wanted in a sentence is "The most stupid awesome thing you will watch this summer." or "The most awesome stupid thing you will watch this summer." Either way, fuck it. Imma watch it again.