Something Serious For A Change

Sorry I haven't been able to write anything in days. When this blog started, I promised myself I'll keep my throughput of articles as constant as possible, but right now it's something that's very hard for me to do. A lot has happened this week. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm exhausted.

Today's the sixth straight day that I'll be going home late from work where I'm currently juggling two projects about to launch that I'm handling alone as a developer. Both projects are running behind schedule and since they're critical to the company's image, they're loaded with twice as much pressure as the internal projects that arent seen by the public. This load does not include various requests from completed projects that I support.

I seriously have not reached so near my breaking point (i.e. since the final days of my previous work when I clocked 70-80 hour workweeks on a regular basis.) I sometimes feel my hands tremble and heartbeat double, a sure sign that I'm near the point of collapsing. My logic and responsiveness are also showing signs of wearing out. It's no longer a coincidence I'm referring to people by somebody else's name. Three times in two days says so.

My work environment is bound to have great changes in the next few weeks as well. Two very important figures in my workplace are leaving and there's definitely some reshuffling that will be anything but relaxing. The anxiety of uncertainty is getting to me, leading to sleepless nights and undue stress.

Stocks have plunged while I was gone, rendering me unable to save earnings. Goodbye, XBox360. The bleak outlook in the near future says I won't be getting that XBox money anytime soon. I bought myself a drummania controller for the PC/PS2 as a consolation. Bleh.

My NaNoWriMo entry is stuck at 7,000 words. That's seven chapters out of the required fifty at the end of the month. My sets planned post-workshop lay unpolished. My other side project that's supposed to bring in money lay in hiatus as well. Nothing's getting done anymore.

Angel Locsin still hasn't answered my emails yet. I hate it when that happens. (i.e. always) If she keeps at it, I swear I'll go back to Toni without thinking twice.

I love where I am right now, doing what I do, having what I have. But sometimes it just doesn't feel good anymore. Is this what you wanted to tell me, Alex? I guess even back then you already knew more than I do now.

I know myself. I can make the best jokes when I'm under the most pressure. It actually relaxes me to write humor and other bullshit you find here. But you know the feeling during nights that your body is so tired that you can't even make yourself go to sleep? My brain feels like that right now.

But to what limit must a man push himself against, before he breaks or decides to call it quits? To what extent must he test his own, before he calls it a day with no regrets? And if ever there was a measure to what can be achieved in a lifetime, will sheer mettle hold up to its standards? A man is defined not by what he entirely does with his lifetime, but what he does to the lives of others that he touches. A man learns not by what he only remembers but by what he is able to apply with success. To die a man or to live as something less, is but a question we all must eventually answer.