Things I want to see in the next gen portable consoles.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

With the recent success of the Nintendo DS's sales all over the world because of its innovative ways of making the casual gamer look even more retarded on the go (and maybe because of the sales figures too), I'll predict that the next generation of portable consoles will be an interesting one. After adding a microphone and a touch based interface to the casual handheld, the skies the limit for console designers on what to add to their next cutting edge console.

Just to review first, here are a list of "failed" innovations that have haunted/plagued the portable console market:

Monochromatic Stereoscopic vision - Maybe in the future we're finally going to get that headset that lets us really immerse ourselves into virtual reality through an eyeglass-wearable gaming console that adjusts the PoV inside a game as we turn our heads. Population problems will be solved as countless people cluelessly walk into incoming traffic because they were "Trying to run away from that monster in Doom6". In that future, we'll be laughing at the vomit and headache-inducing piece of shit that his the Virtual Boy and how it tried to make things 3d and failed at it harder than Toni Gonzaga in making music albums. Being in 3D doesnt matter if all you're seeing is RED and the promise of epileptic seizures.

Adding too much shit not related to gaming (telephones, fax, shit like that) - Remember the N-Gage? That shit was just wrong. It looked like an oven toaster attached to the side of your head when making phonecalls and it looked like a chunk of Limburger cheese as a handheld. Whenever I saw somebody using an NGage I could automatically assume we can never be friends.

Exploding consoles - Wonderswan adds realism to the gaming experience by randomly exploding while charging its batteries. Actually it's not really a feature. More of a bug, the only reason I put it here is because you could brag "you like to play dangerously" with this feature and not be too far from the truth. But do I have to point out the issues here? Imagine the lost saved games.

That said, here are some features I want on my next generation portable console:

Breathalyzer - In case you dont know what this is, it's a tool that's used by law enforcement peeps to keep track of your alcohol level in your blood. Can you imagine a portable gaming console that lets you keep track of how far you're into a drinking game? Most drinking games never get finished, because you're usually too drunk to continue. Drinking games on a gaming console that are capable of saving things will let you progress, long after you've blacked out, puked, gotten into a barfight, and blacked out again.

Pedometer - No. It's not what you're thinking. A pedometer checks the number of steps its wearer makes. What? What were you thinking? Anyway, with this feature, the next gen console can even make the gamer more ridiculous by requiring steps in a game, say an RPG. Just imagine this. While trying to level up your pokemon by walking for as many miles as possible you walk into an alley where a sexual predator sees you. He begins chasing you and then you run away, and then run away some more. Your heart's pounding with thrill, and Pikachu's finally gonna get that next attack skill. Two for one entertainment, booya.

GPS - Actually this feature's already been implemented by a gaming console, the Gizmodo. Unfortunately for us, everything else about that console was just wrong. (one look at how it looks like and you'll know, it's shit. I can't believe how many companies still get the very basic requirement of not looking like a deterrent to a good sex life wrong) Anyway, with GPS the pedometer will be much easier to use, once you find yourself lost from all that walking. Other uses include locational based strategy games with your friends, for one helluva game of hide and seek. That and it'll be easier for your parents to find your body after the sexual predator from the pedometer episode finally catches up to you.

Portable Crankshaft - I don't know if this still happens but ever experienced having your console die out on you while on a long-haul trip? If the new nextgen console has a crank of sorts that will let you manually power it with your legs (for pedals) or left hand (if hand-driven) would be pretty lolly. As an added bonus, it fits in with the goal of all portable gameconsoles: To let the players experience the awkwardness of having to hold a plastic thingie with buttons on it while on the go.

I got other ideas but my hands are too tired to type. Got any more ideas?

No comments:


Search This Blog

Most Reading