Dos and Donts of Exchange Gifts

Let's face it. We're all afraid of the unknown. Not knowing about something is oftentimes more scary than knowing the details, because the last thing anybody ever wants is getting caught with their pants down and johnnies up. In the same light, exchange gifts can be just as scary.

Giving a gift is scary because you don't know how well the person recieving it will react - with the reactions ranging from a french kiss to serveral new gun holes on your forehead. If giving gifts can be likened to a roller coaster, random exchange gifts can be likened to riding that same roller coaster while nine months pregnant. Double jeopardy - you can't even get an idea on who will be receiving the gift because everything is drawn out randomly.

So basically you'll be buying stuff you wouldn't want for yourself for people you don't know, who will react in a way you can't possibly guess, who's view of you for the next 364 days or so will be gauged on that single gift.

Take this short break as an opportunity to change your pants in case you've wet yourself reading the previous statement. (It's excusable)

That said, I've prepared a short list of things that you should be aware of when inevitably partaking in this activity. Just because it's scary doesn't mean we can't face it unprepared (well, sort of).

1. Don't use live animals as gifts.
Trust me, even if it fits the "worth 500" category nicely, pets are anything but pleasant gifts. I remember a couple of years ago, my company had a "something alive" theme for the gifts. A few hours before the gift giving, several of the animals broke out and started turning the storage room into their own wildlife preserve. Several pets were lost during the incidents, including 1 garter snake, 2 dead rabbits and 1 sysad whose body is still missing.

2. Do wrap your gifts properly.
This is probably the only good thing that you can really get good at in exchange gift activities, because no matter who the person who will be receiving the gift is, they'll really appreciate seeing effort in the wrapping without thinking money spent on the wrapping is money taken away from the value of the actual gift. Presentation counts. Here's a short list of good and bad things to use for wrapping things:

Good:
- Brand new paper giftwrappers.
- Shipment container used for import cars.
- Dollar bills taped to each other.
- Chocolate coating.

Bad:
- Used giftwrappers.
- 10 year-old newspapers.
- 10 year-olds.
- Hospital bandages.

3. Don't choose gifts suggestive of any sort of fetish.
When buying gifts, it's good to buy gifts that you know everybody will enjoy. However, there's a limit to this. When choosing what gift to wrap in your choice of wrapping medium, always consider that the gift should be enjoyable AND enjoyable in public. Remember that gifts will be opened in front of everybody during a party. The last thing you want is that somebody you've graced with your gift running around chasing you with a battery-operated twelve-inch dildo in hand with an intent to kill you from behind (Haha.)

True story: During one of our kris kringles, an officemate gave me a wrapped gift for a "Something naughty theme". Being a very busy man, I gave the gift to my younger sister so she can unwrap it. As it turns out, the gift was a gay porn VCD complete with a colored cover of two men slapping salamis. They havent found the body of that officemate, and I don't think they ever will.

4. Do try to get gender/age inspecific gifts.
In line with the item above, it's also wrong to choose a gift that will only be usable to the opposite sex/age bracket. Tampons, for example, are not useful to men, no matter how hard you try to improvise. Viagra and horse porn aren't good choices either since you won't be too sure if the recipient will be a horny old man who fancies farm-bred ass ( in case he gets both).

As a counterpostulate, I'd just like to state that things like money, cellphone load, and post-dated cheques do not count as gender-inspecific gifts, or gifts for that matter, specially when it comes to exchange gift activities.

5. Do make sure you get the recipient's name right.
There's nothing more annoying that somebody who gives a gift and still gets the name, or codename, wrong. Whatever sense of thoughtfulness the gift has vanishes when your name gets all f'ed up. Seriously. Spellcheck. It's only a few letters. Get it right.

6. Don't write your name on the gift box.
This is the last advice. Give the gift but don't write your name on the box. If anything happens, at least you don't have your name on the evidence. Any lawyer that you might be needing in the future (if ever) will be grateful you've done that part right. In case shit, you can just go run around screaming "Don't shoot the messenger!" without any pants on. It works really well, specially if the room isn't too cold.

So there you have it. My short guide to exchange gifts. Happy wrapping and I hope you survive to experience next year's exchange gift again!