GTFO of the Water.

I love swimming. It's probably the only sport where you can get tired without actually having to deal with wiping sweat. You don't even have to worry about losing fluids from sweat since they inevitably go back to you when you accidentally swallow that mouthful of pool water. Boom! That's human-centered recycling right there.

Swimming is also a flexible activity. Sometimes you're doing it for exercise, sometimes for the glory of winning, and sometimes you do it so you don't die. When you're doing it to beat your best time, that's a good thing. When you're doing it to beat a tidal wave, that's probably a bad thing. When you're doing it with your friends, that's probably a good thing. When you're doing it with a school of 10-foot great white sharks, it doesn't take a Jacques Cousteau to know you're fucked.

The purpose of swimming also depends on where you're doing it. When you're doing it in clear water with a slight tint of blue - that's a good thing. When you're swimming in puddly brown water with the remains of a house and a Ford F150 racing past you - that can't be a good thing.

And then, you also have the choice of which stroke you can use - there are not a lot of sports that give you different ways of doing the same thing - travelling. In terms of cycling, your coach will be saying "Wow you can cycle really fast, Armstrong. Can you do it with just one leg?" And even if you could, and fast enough, he'd go "Try doing it facing backwards so you don't see what's in front of you."

Maan I hate backstroke. The only thing that you ever see is the ceiling (if indoors) or the sky (if in the middle of the ocean). I bet the sharks would think of strokes on swimmers as methods of cooking an egg.

Shark: I'd like my swimmer hairy side up, please.
Swimmer doing backstroke: *gets eaten*.

Who invents strokes anyway? Like who's the smartass who thought the butterfly stroke should become really famous? Dolphin kick my ass.

inventor: You know, I think I want to invent something new today.
inventor2: Like what?
inventor: A new way of swimming.
inventor2: Whoah. How are you planning to do that?
inventor: Simple, instead of alternately using my two feet, I'll use them at the same time. And instead of alternately using both my arms, I'll use them at the same time too.
inventor2: Won't that look silly?
inventor: Not if we give them good names.
inventor2: Like?
inventor: Dolphin kick for the kick.
inventor2: Ooooh. Everybody loevs dolphins.
inventor: And then butterfly for the stroke itself.
inventor2: Why butterfly?
inventor: I like butterflies.
inventor2: Pure genius.

No really. Butterfly stroke is retarded. Only a good few can perform it properly, and those who can can't even use it longer than other strokes.

And then there's the issue of entering the water as gracefully as possible - diving. You can tell grace by just hearing the sound of the entry. And you don't even have to be a professional judge to do it. If it makes a "plok" sound the same way shit does when it hits the bowl - it's a good dive. When it makes a loud slapping sound, expect to produce tons of laughter as you watch the diver writhe in agonizing pain before sinking to the bottom of the pool and floating back up purplish after a few days.

On pools, avoid the kiddie pool as much as possible, even if you don't know how to swim. Sure it looks safe. And sure, you can't possibly drown on knee-deep water (unless you go diving and make a "plok" sound). But the damage of kiddie pools is more a long-term one. Perform this little experiment. Get a cup full of adult pool water and kiddie pool water of the same amount. Compare and contrast the color of the two contents. That yellowish tinge is not diluted pixie dust. Trust me, even Tinker Bell won't go near those children after they've gone to the water.

Tinker. (*laugh out loud*)

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Underwear does not belong on the pool. Remove it and wear proper pool attire for crissakes. That's water you'll be swallowing anyway.