Solving World Problems Filipino Style

Friday, June 04, 2010

Unless you have a brain more shutoff from the outside world than a North Korean prisoner, you might have heard of the not so recent news of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. After several unsuccessful attempts at trying to plug the leaking oil fountain, responsible party British Petroleum (BP) has pretty much run out of ideas and is basically saying "it'll run out anyway so fuck it". Now, the threat is spreading, threatening to enroach the coastal cities of the US and turning them into desolate wastelands. For the first time in years, people are worrying about something other than illegal immigrants, which is good for the immigrants, but bad for the immigrants coming in by sea.


Reports say that the US government's EPA has gone so far as asking James Cameron for ideas on how to seal the well off, in a bizarre case of life immitating South Park. (see Imaginationland episode) This kinda marks a new level of desperation. It's almost a crazy movie plot in the making - "Guy who made blockbuster movie about humans drilling for minerals in an alien planet is asked to help humans drilling for oil on earth." As for credentials, James Cameron has made disaster films before, and as for handling really terrible things, he has worked with Kate Winslet.

Anyway, I think this is one of the few occassions that we, the underdog Filipinos might be the solution they are looking for. Fuck James Cameron, PINOY PRIDE REPRESENT!

Here are three ways to make things disappear in this country:

1. Clean it up.
Oil is hard to clean up. Even if people say we are a nation of maids, let's face it, we're not exactly the best in cleaning bodies of water. We CAN'T even make our tap water clean enough to drink. Drinking tap nowadays has become an extreme sport 10x deadlier than skydiving. (at least in skydiving, if you screw up, you won't end up shitting yourself inside out over the course of 2 weeks. Death will be short and swift) We put POTA in potable.

2. Bury it
While this works for political scenarios and Ping Lacson in general, oil isn't exactly something you can salvage and bury somewhere in Laguna, never to be found until the next Presidential Administration. This is not the way to go.

3. Tell one Filipino it's free.

We don't even need a large budget for it. Just tell one Juan Pedro that there's free crude oil in the middle of the gulf and maybe even put a signage floating in the middle of the fucking ocean and just wait for it. News will spread faster than Hayden Kho scandal videos. We're Filipinos. Free shit is what drives us. You wait three months and we'd practically have built a new floating country on top of the "free oil" complete with a logistics networks that will enable Flips to send the damn oil to their kabayans 13,000 kilometers away using nothing but balikbayan boxes and pedicabs configured for water transportation. A few days later and we'd have suck the shit out of that well. We may be third world, but when it comes to exploiting freebies, every Filipino turns into a rocket scientist.

Problem f'ing solved.

Now we just have to wait for their call.

No comments:


Search This Blog

Most Reading